Page 3 | Aibu my boyfriend’s Facebook still says ‘single’ after 18 months

finniesmummy · 2020-12-11T08:15:24+00:00

So, as title says, I have been with my boyfriend for 18 months now. His Facebook is still set as ‘single’. It really upsets me but I’m not sure how to broach the subject and I’m loathe to cause any issues or arguments

Goldensnitchy · 11/12/2020 09:08

Don’t know why everyone is being so sarcastic and rude.

I get it OP, it’s not about actual Facebook but what it represents, and it’s just a continuation of how he treats you overall. Has he met your friends etc? Have you talked about meeting his?

RightYesButNo · 11/12/2020 09:08

@rorosemary

If after 18 months his riends and family don't know about you then you are not his girlfriend.

This. Does he actually take you out on dates, in public? Do a lot of other things that show how committed he is? Or does he come over to yours, or vice versa, for a takeaway and a shag when it’s convenient? Because not even meeting his friends after 18 months sounds more like you’re just friends with benefits. You introducing him to your friends or family doesn’t really change the situation either way; it doesn’t stop him dating other women, whereas you being introduced to his friends and family as his girlfriend probably would. I’m sorry, OP. It’s a shite thing for him to do to someone.

GoldenOmber · 11/12/2020 09:08

Oh come on, people, there’s a fairly obvious difference between “he doesn’t state he’s in a relationship” and “he states he’s single”.

Take Facebook out of it:
“My husband spoke to some woman he knew at school and didn’t tell her he was married to me” - so what, who cares.
“My husband spoke to some woman he knew at school and told her he was single” - bit different.

If boyfriend was otherwise giving no cause for concern, happy to introduce her to friends and family or whatever, then probably he’d just have overlooked it or not updated for years. But given he doesn’t want her to meet any of the important people in his life it seems like the Facebook status is part of a bigger issue.

CoraPirbright · 11/12/2020 09:09

Thank goodness someone else is saying it - thank you peardrops1. You just beat me to it! The Fb thing is just symptomatic of the problem OP is really driving at:
Im mainly upset because there is no mention of me in his life anywhere and the Facebook thing just tops it off. I’ve never met his kids, friends, dad etc. I eventually met his mum and her partner about 3 months ago and that was the first she’d heard of me.

OP I think he is keeping you in the background, as a sort of secret. Unless he is happy to include photos of you in his general life and get you more involved in other areas of his life, I would be extremely worried that you just amounted to a booty call. I am sorry to sound so blunt but he just doesn’t seem to be factoring you into his life in anyway. Unless you actually do something about it, nothing will change. Life is rosy for him!!

C0NNIE · 11/12/2020 09:09

So can I just check ? I’m assuming you are young as you live with your brother and I assume parents .

Meanwhile he is old enough to have kids and a business. How often do his children stay with him ? Why have you never met his children when they stay with him?

So how old are you both ?

How do you know that he’s friends with lots of girls of FB if you only just saw his home page on your brothers screen ? How do you know that there’s no photos of you there ?

How can he be having his two mates over for a blokes night in the middle of a pandemic?

Pre Covid - did you ever go out on dates together ? Or do you just go over to his place and have sex ?

Demitri · 11/12/2020 09:10

@finniesmummy

Im not actually particularly bothered about the Facebook status thing. He’s friends with my brother on there and I saw it when I went into my bros room to grab something I needed. Never looked at it before then. And yes, my bf is always on Facebook- he uses it for his business a lot. Im mainly upset because there is no mention of me in his life anywhere and the Facebook thing just tops it off. I’ve never met his kids, friends, dad etc. I eventually met his mum and her partner about 3 months ago and that was the first she’d heard of me. When he mentioned his 2 best friends were maybe coming over to see meet up with him next week for a ‘blokes’ night, he suggested I didn’t come over that night. He says they know about me, but I have no idea if that’s true or not

You have bigger problems than him not changing his Facebook status.

He’s deliberately keeping you separate from his family and friends and, after 18 months, you have the right to know why.

ArnoJambonsBike · 11/12/2020 09:11

I am so far away from ‘let’s go official on Facebook’!!!

It's amazing how language changes over time. I can remember when "so far away from" didn't mean "absolutely identical to".

CeibaTree · 11/12/2020 09:14

@finniesmummy

Im not actually particularly bothered about the Facebook status thing. He’s friends with my brother on there and I saw it when I went into my bros room to grab something I needed. Never looked at it before then. And yes, my bf is always on Facebook- he uses it for his business a lot. Im mainly upset because there is no mention of me in his life anywhere and the Facebook thing just tops it off. I’ve never met his kids, friends, dad etc. I eventually met his mum and her partner about 3 months ago and that was the first she’d heard of me. When he mentioned his 2 best friends were maybe coming over to see meet up with him next week for a ‘blokes’ night, he suggested I didn’t come over that night. He says they know about me, but I have no idea if that’s true or not

If it was just the facebook status thing I'd say just let it go - I've been married for over 10 years and I don't think I ever updated my relationship status. But with this further info, it does sounds like he is deliberately excluding you from his life, and probably not many of his friends and family even know you exist which is a massive red flag. I'm sorry to say he sounds like he is just not that into you. You deserve better, so I agree with the pp - time to get rid!

GoldenOmber · 11/12/2020 09:14

And OP, it is entirely reasonable to look at his Facebook profile or want to meet his family. You are not being a creepy teenage stalker.

GreySkyClouds · 11/12/2020 09:15

Married and mine says single...

lastqueenofscotland · 11/12/2020 09:16

I know literally no one who still uses Facebook for their relationship status any more. YABU and a bit weird

Newkitchen123 · 11/12/2020 09:18

After reading the update this is nothing to do with Facebook.
This man just doesn't see the relationship in the same way she does.
I would be moving on

TwentyViginti · 11/12/2020 09:24

I’ve never met his kids, friends, dad etc. I eventually met his mum and her partner about 3 months ago and that was the first she’d heard of me.

After 18 months? kids, I understand - but not met his friends? He seems to want to present as single everywhere, not just FB.

You say you don't like confrontation. He will know this, and knows you won't make a fuss whatever he does or doesn't do.

He's like quite a lot of men. Wants the 'girlfriend experience' but without actually saying he has a girlfriend.

Deepintheforest · 11/12/2020 09:25

My facebook says i'm married to my (platonic) best friend and has done for the last 12 years since we jokingly set it as that at 14. My currently long term DP has never mentioned it as we are not the kind of couple to post our relationship all over social media. The problem here is that you think asking him may cause a fight if it bothers you he should be willing to fix it. Are there other signs of your relationship on his social media? or do you fear he is trying to hide it

Dishwashersaurous · 11/12/2020 09:29

After reading your update this is not about Facebook this is about the fact that you are not actually in a relationship.

After 18 months not to have met any friends, unless you both live in a different country from everyone you know, is incredibly odd.

Are you spending Christmas Day together? How is it working with bubbles.

If you haven’t met his friends then you are not actually in a relationship, rather more just people who know each other.

You need to tackle this source of the problem and arrange to see his friends, and he meet yours

Shoxfordian · 11/12/2020 09:34

He doesn't seem at all committed to you

Op, you need to stop avoiding confrontation if you ever want a healthy relationship

MilerVino · 11/12/2020 09:35

I’ve never met his kids, friends, dad etc. I eventually met his mum and her partner about 3 months ago and that was the first she’d heard of me. When he mentioned his 2 best friends were maybe coming over to see meet up with him next week for a ‘blokes’ night, he suggested I didn’t come over that night. He says they know about me, but I have no idea if that’s true or not

OK, this is your problem, not Facebook. If I were you OP I'd start a new thread about how, after 18 months, you're not really part of his life. At that stage with my partner I'd been away with him and his main group of friends, spent a lot of time with his daughter and his family knew about me and had for some time (for reasons of distance I hadn't met them).

And I think there is a generational problem with the responses. There is a difference between saying 'OMG, are we Facebook official' and just quietly updating your FB status to 'In a relationship'. I've never done the former, I did the latter when someone sent me a friend request and I suspected they were interested in me and fishing for information. It was a really easy, trouble-free, non-embarrassing way for me to say I wasn't interested.

The OP's boyfriend's FB does reflect something about his life - in this case he seems to be keeping the OP out of it. I know you hate confrontation OP but I would have a serious talk with him about where you are at. I have a feeling that whilst you are serious about him, he is using you as an 'ok for now' option. You really do deserve better than that.

Camenon · 11/12/2020 09:41

Why's he hiding you? I wouldn't be happy about any of this OP.

How much time do you spend with him?

BertiesLanding · 11/12/2020 09:43

I think he's counting on you to remain compliant and non-confrontational so that he can keep having this relationship on his terms.

You know something is wrong - and I think you're correct on this.

Cloudesley · 11/12/2020 09:49

Doesn't single just mean not married?

CaMePlaitPas · 11/12/2020 09:51

Mine is set to "In a relationship" not married and I haven't even tagged him as my husband. My Facebook status doesn't make me any less married. Do you trust him?

ElephantWhaleRabbit · 11/12/2020 09:52

I appreciate it means a lot to you but I have to say, who cares? Does it actually matter?

KatherineJaneway · 11/12/2020 09:54

You have bigger problems than him not changing his Facebook status.

He’s deliberately keeping you separate from his family and friends and, after 18 months, you have the right to know why.

This ^^

ImEatingVeryHealthilyOhYes · 11/12/2020 09:56

This isn’t about Facebook is it. I’m sorry he’s not as committed as he should be

WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo · 11/12/2020 09:56

I've been with my dp, two kids, a mortgage and a goldfish called Mr orange head.

I don't have dp on my Facebook.......I barely mention him on there tbh. My profile is probably set at single. I honestly can't remember. I know my dps is because he's such a luddite I set it up for him.

You sound very overinvested in social media and the view being on there projects.