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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu my boyfriend’s Facebook still says ‘single’ after 18 months

205 replies

finniesmummy · 11/12/2020 08:15

So, as title says, I have been with my boyfriend for 18 months now. His Facebook is still set as ‘single’.
It really upsets me but I’m not sure how to broach the subject and I’m loathe to cause any issues or arguments

OP posts:
Gwenhwyfar · 11/12/2020 11:34

"Some people just like to be more private than that."

If he wanted to be private, he'd just not fill in the relationship status. He's chosen to appear as single.

thinkingaboutLangCleg · 11/12/2020 11:34

It sounds as if he is treating you rather casually, OP. If you would like this relationship to develop, I think you need to discuss this with him.

Maybe you don't want to risk losing him by talking this over. But if just discussing your relationship is enough to put him off, he's not worth keeping. You don't want to spend 10 years as his casual sex partner and then end up alone.

HitthatroadJack · 11/12/2020 11:34

It's also pointing out that it's very common not to update your relationship status, and I can't think of anyone who would take it to mean much. Even if someone makes a big deal out of it, they are aware that not many others do.

Aerial2020 · 11/12/2020 11:38

Everyone knows Facebook isn't real life.

Does it matter if people think he's single? Does anyone actually care?

Tomorrowisanotherdayyouknow · 11/12/2020 11:51

@finniesmummy

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. My friend's ex never had her on his profile or pictures of them together and she found he was keeping his options open. Not to say he is doing that, it may be that he just doesn't update things often or he didn't think anything of it so not necessary anything to worry about. Lots of couples have pictures together on there so maybe if the odd picture of you together was there and you might feel more at ease. Could you tag him in a picture of you both and see if it pops on his timeline if you are unsure of asking.

Some people can be mean, try to ignore them, if it is bothering you then it is a problem. Hopefully chat with him and try to sort it out. Good luck.

MimiDaisy11 · 11/12/2020 11:56

@finniesmummy

Im not actually particularly bothered about the Facebook status thing. He’s friends with my brother on there and I saw it when I went into my bros room to grab something I needed. Never looked at it before then. And yes, my bf is always on Facebook- he uses it for his business a lot. Im mainly upset because there is no mention of me in his life anywhere and the Facebook thing just tops it off. I’ve never met his kids, friends, dad etc. I eventually met his mum and her partner about 3 months ago and that was the first she’d heard of me. When he mentioned his 2 best friends were maybe coming over to see meet up with him next week for a ‘blokes’ night, he suggested I didn’t come over that night. He says they know about me, but I have no idea if that’s true or not
I guess the Facebook status is pointing to a wider issue you have in your relationship. I think not telling important people in his life is a bigger issue rather than a status on Facebook. Though some people can be like that and it doesn't necessarily mean anything bad just that they're not big sharers.
ladycarlotta · 11/12/2020 12:01

Facebook isn't a public service. There is no duty to update all your personal info on it, and when you do you're only building up a profile they can monetise.

I'm in a 10-year relationship and have a child with someone. We're both on facebook but we rarely tag one another and certainly haven't updated our relationship statuses. I'm sure if the algorithm is much cop it will have worked it out anyway, but why do I need to supply it with that information? Everybody who knows me knows who I'm with. Everybody who doesn't know me well enough doesn't need to know.

I'm not at all tinfoil-hat, I just don't see why I need to put everything on the internet?

79andnotout · 11/12/2020 12:05

I think my DPs status is the same and we've been together a decade. He probably hasn't noticed (and it really doesn't bother me). You are more than a facebook status!

C0NNIE · 11/12/2020 12:20

Feel you may need some background on this.
So, He is three years older than me. I’m 37 and he is 40.
I have three children and he has 2.
I moved back in with my parents 2 years ago, to save money for a deposit on a house and for help with childcare- I’m a full time teacher so my mum does the school runs for me etc
I go to my bf house every evening after I put my children to bed and spend the evening with him
We do go out for meals occasionally but always the same 2 restaurants

Thank you that’s helpful. From your OP I assumed that you were 19 and he was a 45 year old married man working away from home.

I hope the thread has helped you - I think you know that this isn’t a serious relationship to him and he’s probably seeing other women.

As you only go out “ occasionally “ to the same two places ( you know that’s weird right ? ) and never see his friend etc I suspect that you are a booty call to him. Which in guessing isn’t what you want.

You say you avoid confrontation at all costs - which I suspect is why you have ended up like this. Please consider going for some counselling to help you work this through. I’m sure it will help in your job as well as in your personal life. Because being a single mum of three isn’t going to get easier as they become teenagers.

And you need to get promoted so you can afford to get your own place again. Two years is a long time for your parents to put up with your three kids - however great they are and however much they love them.

Brieminewine · 11/12/2020 12:24

Sorry OP but sounds like he’s just not that into you.

After a year and a half, you’ve barely met any friends or family, that in itself should be a huge red flag to you. I think you’re wasting your time with him.

Whywouldthis · 11/12/2020 12:24

I hate FB and don’t use it. My DH uses messenger but not FB so his page hasn’t been updated for ages and he has an old AF pic of us both as his profile pic.

If he’s very active on FB then just ask him about it, he might not have even considered it. It can be dodgy though, I once went on a few dates with a guy who was Facebook single, no photos of any women on there or anything. Got a message one morning from his long term GF... Bastard.

movingonup20 · 11/12/2020 13:25

The fact he doesn't want to integrate you into his life is far more worrying. Don't know how old you are but 18 months in most would have met family, friends etc. most would be living together or working towards it.

HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 11/12/2020 13:47

Let’s face it,the majority have only read your op,and that’s what they’re commenting on
Posters asking your age and other questions, clearly haven’t read your other posts

hadesinahalfahell · 11/12/2020 14:23

@unmarkedbythat

I think some posters are being deliberately obtuse. Some people may be above social media and find the whole thing immature

No one has said they are 'above' it. Not finding your facebook relationship status important does not think you mean those who are immature or beneath you. It means you have a different point of view. Most conversations are aided by people sharing a range of viewpoints rather than only one being permitted and anyone expressing a different one being told they are being 'deliberately obsuse'. This is not a hive mind and dissent is perfectly fine.

'I don’t care one bit about what my Facebook says and and unless you are 15 years old it shouldn’t really bother you either.'

Just one of many comments with an air of superiority about OP's attitude to social media....

readingismycardio · 11/12/2020 16:28

I'm married and I just checked. It said "single" 🤦🏽‍♀️ DH never noticed. I changed it now, just for fun

CoRhona · 11/12/2020 16:52

@Scolha

It’s Facebook. I don’t even have my partner as a friend. Who cares.
^^ this
CoRhona · 11/12/2020 16:52

(and we've been married over 20 years!)

HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 11/12/2020 18:01

Those of you commenting on Fb single status have you read the op updates
This isn’t a thread about Fb status,it really is not

Ginfordinner · 11/12/2020 18:14

@HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee

Those of you commenting on Fb single status have you read the op updates This isn’t a thread about Fb status,it really is not
This happens on most threads, irritatingly. Posters are too lazy to even read the OP's updates.
Original poster
finniesmummy · 11/12/2020 18:28

Think it’s my fault really. As people have pointed out, it’s not really about the Facebook status. That is just the icing on the cake

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 11/12/2020 18:31

Mine probably says that, I never changed it after signing up at 18 and I've had 4 relationships of 3/4 years each since then!

youvegottenminuteslynn · 11/12/2020 18:35

Sorry whole thread didn't load before I posted!

Right, OP, with my tough love hat on...

We don’t row at all- never even had a slight argument. I hate confrontation and will avoid it all costs

It could be life changing for you to work through the reasons you feel you can't challenge / confront things and learn some techniques for doing so.

My partner and I don't fight, we don't argue because we can raise stuff we are unhappy about or worried about without it escalating. That is the ideal. There's a huge grey area between never raising anything due to fear of confrontation and blazing rows that mean a break up.

Learning how to confidently raise issues and challenge things that don't sit well with me means I can have honest, secure relationships now. And that I don't get anxious about stuff that would previously have felt like a huge deal as I felt I had to keep the peace / not be 'difficult' or put someone off me at all costs.

Really do think about looking into working on it, it would help in all areas of your life Thanks

Bonsai49 · 11/12/2020 18:36

OP this is not your fault - MN is full of people in a similar position to you - it really isn’t that unusual and I’m guessing he knows how to say the right thing . You do however deserve to be a proper part of someone’s life and to be happy .

SunshineLollipopsRainbow · 11/12/2020 20:22

Married 3years.
Together 6 years.
1child together.
I'm not on Facebook.
Husband is.
Status single
No photos of us.
I'm not bothered

CoraPirbright · 11/12/2020 20:26

Im obviously not as important to him as he is to me. Most of you - the helpful ones of you- have made me admit that. It’s just really hard for me to acknowledge this and get on with sorting it out

I am so sorry OP - that must be really tough to absorb. I think Maya Angelou’s saying is most fitting here “never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option”.

I think you deserve better from your other half. You also deserve better from some of the posters on here who are still harping on about the Fb thing when it is clearly symptomatic of a deeper malaise that you were seeking help on and they were being wanky ‘cool girls’.