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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu my boyfriend’s Facebook still says ‘single’ after 18 months

205 replies

finniesmummy · 11/12/2020 08:15

So, as title says, I have been with my boyfriend for 18 months now. His Facebook is still set as ‘single’.
It really upsets me but I’m not sure how to broach the subject and I’m loathe to cause any issues or arguments

OP posts:
Original poster
finniesmummy · 11/12/2020 09:57

@peardrops1

Why is everyone being such a dick to the OP? Yes, FB is lame, but why are so many posters wilfully missing the point of the OP's post, which is NOT that she wants to be 'FB official', but that she's worried her boyfriend has made no mention of her anywhere. Which could be a bad sign or could just be a reflection of him not using FB much. OP, the only way to clear this up is to ask him about it.
Thank you. You have completely hit it on the head.
OP posts:
RantyAnty · 11/12/2020 09:58

It looks like he doesn't think he's in a relationship.
Is the reason you've never argued because you go along with everything he wants?

KiposWonderbeasts · 11/12/2020 09:58

@finniesmummy

Im not actually particularly bothered about the Facebook status thing. He’s friends with my brother on there and I saw it when I went into my bros room to grab something I needed. Never looked at it before then. And yes, my bf is always on Facebook- he uses it for his business a lot. Im mainly upset because there is no mention of me in his life anywhere and the Facebook thing just tops it off. I’ve never met his kids, friends, dad etc. I eventually met his mum and her partner about 3 months ago and that was the first she’d heard of me. When he mentioned his 2 best friends were maybe coming over to see meet up with him next week for a ‘blokes’ night, he suggested I didn’t come over that night. He says they know about me, but I have no idea if that’s true or not
Facebook isn't your problem.

You aren't his girlfriend, you're his bit on the side. He and you have a very different level of attachment.

Blacksheepcat · 11/12/2020 10:00

Asking your partner a question is not ‘being confrontational’.
I’d ask it in a light-hearted way anyway, as it’s not a serious subject.
You say you’ve never had an argument ...sounds like that’s just because you are afraid to voice an opinion, ask a question or disagree with him.
This is not a good relationship.

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 11/12/2020 10:01

If you are in a relationship, why not have a conversation with him rather than stalking him on facebook?

AlternativePerspective · 11/12/2020 10:02

One of the problems we have on MN is that people often just read the OP and then respond without even reading the poster’s other posts.

So from the OP it appears that she is upset because he hasn’t said he is with her on facebook, and people have responded accordingly.

If the OP had read “I have been with my BF for eighteen months, and I have still not met his family and friends, and when I met his mum for the first time three months ago she’d never heard of me,” the responses would have been unanimously different.

This is why people don’t like drip feeds, but in fairness to the OP, the site has a “see all posts” option for OP’s posts, so even if people don’t want to read through everyone else’s responses, there’s no excuse for not reading the OP’s posts and getting the full picture.

Ivy455 · 11/12/2020 10:02

We had bought a house and had a baby together by the time we bothered to change ours lol. I don't think it's a big deal. I'm sure everyone knows he isn't actually single?

Ivy455 · 11/12/2020 10:03

Oops sorry OP I did not read the whole thread and I see from an above comment there is more to this. -goes off to read-

TwentyViginti · 11/12/2020 10:03

@RantyAnty

It looks like he doesn't think he's in a relationship. Is the reason you've never argued because you go along with everything he wants?
I would think he gets it all his own way with OP. For non confrontational, in this situation, I read doormat.
AllTheThingsHeSaid · 11/12/2020 10:08

I see the cool girls are out in force today... Hmm

I completely get it OP. If he's using fb a lot, posts a lot but nothing about you, it sounds as if he's keeping his options open.

Merryoldgoat · 11/12/2020 10:08

I think that being with someone after 18 months and not meeting parents or friends is weird.

Coupled with the obvious single-acting stuff and I’d say you have an issue.

SuspicionAintTheWay · 11/12/2020 10:08

@finniesmummy, he's probably keeping his options open.
Ask him.

I was in a similar situation, I asked and he accused me of stalking him.
There was another woman he was chasing.

Original poster
finniesmummy · 11/12/2020 10:08

@C0NNIE

So can I just check ? I’m assuming you are young as you live with your brother and I assume parents .

Meanwhile he is old enough to have kids and a business. How often do his children stay with him ? Why have you never met his children when they stay with him?

So how old are you both ?

How do you know that he’s friends with lots of girls of FB if you only just saw his home page on your brothers screen ? How do you know that there’s no photos of you there ?

How can he be having his two mates over for a blokes night in the middle of a pandemic?

Pre Covid - did you ever go out on dates together ? Or do you just go over to his place and have sex ?

Feel you may need some background on this. So, He is three years older than me. I’m 37 and he is 40. I have three children and he has 2. I moved back in with my parents 2 years ago, to save money for a deposit on a house and for help with childcare- I’m a full time teacher so my mum does the school runs for me etc. I go to my bf house every evening after I put my children to bed and spend the evening with him. We do go out for meals occasionally but always the same 2 restaurants.
OP posts:
Piratedoor · 11/12/2020 10:14

Do you have a happy relationship? Does he seem really in to you? Does he talk about your future together?

Cheeseandwin5 · 11/12/2020 10:14

The problem is there is a double standard going on here.
You don't like FB, abhor putting your status on there , but for some reason feel you have the right to control what he does on it.

You say you haven't met his friends and family but how many of your friends and family has he met?
By the sounds of it, all you both seem to do is spend time with each other.

Mildmanneredmum · 11/12/2020 10:15

I hate Facebook personally and don’t even have it!
How do you know what his profile is, then?

Kokosrieksts · 11/12/2020 10:17

I don’t care one bit about what my Facebook says and and unless you are 15 years old it shouldn’t really bother you either. Just mention it to him and see his reaction.

HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 11/12/2020 10:18

The fb status is indicative of a bigger picture, a picture your not in
18mth dating and you were unknown to his mum for 15mth. That’s sus.very
He excludes you from family and friends,you’re absent from his sm profile
You avoid confrontation at all cost?he must love that. Treat you poorly, knowing you’ll not rise up

Cheeseandwin5 · 11/12/2020 10:19

@Ultimateblends
You are young, he is older any bet.
What is the age gap?

100% this - he is an creepy old man abusing a naïve young girl.
So he is 40 and she is 37- do not allow facts to get in the way!

PeterPomegranate · 11/12/2020 10:20

I have no idea what my husband’s Facebook relationship status is. We’ve been married since 2005 and I know what our actual relationship status is. That’s what’s important to me.

MilerVino · 11/12/2020 10:20

Doesn't single just mean not married?

Try it. If someone asks you out, try saying 'I'm single'. I mean I could do this, but I doubt my partner would be very impressed. FB gives you the options of 'single' or 'in a relationship' and I think possibly 'married' is there as well. I would not want my partner to tell people he is single.

Although this does rather remind me of discussions with my mother. Mum: But you meet lots of single men, what about Bob?
Me: Bob is Sarah's boyfriend
Mum: But he's single.

To me, being with a boyfriend/ girlfriend always meant someone was in a couple and therefore off limits. To my mum, they were not married, therefore single, therefore why didn't I make a play from them if I was interested. Fucking weirdo.

RayOfSunshine2013 · 11/12/2020 10:21

My first boyfriend wouldn't even have me as a friend on facebook and it bothered me, but more because i has a suspicion of his reasoning. Of course that was because he cheated nearly every weekend and didnt want people knowing he had a girlfriend.

My current boyfriend doesn't really use facebook, were friends on there but were not in a ‘facebook relationship’ or anything, but it doesn't bother me at all because i know its not for any particular reason, were just not 14 and don't need the world to know were in a relationship. Ive never been given reason to suspect theres more to it.

You must have a suspicion of something other than he’s ‘single’ on facebook for it to bother you?

BeeDavis · 11/12/2020 10:22

@finniesmummy

We don’t row at all- never even had a slight argument. I hate confrontation and will avoid it all costs
This is why you’ve never had a row 😂 you can’t avoid confrontation it may not even end in a row! You seriously need to communicate with him about anything. Best case scenario is he hasn’t even thought to change it or even hide it. Worst case is he’s purposely showing himself to be single if you’re not on FB but seems unlikely. Just bloody talk to him.
gillianan · 11/12/2020 10:23

This isn't a relationship clearly, you are just something to do on an evening.
I'd work on your self esteem and communication skills so that you can confront things that require addressing rather than being a doormat.

RedToothBrush · 11/12/2020 10:24

Is your relationship only 'real' if its announced on FB.

Are you going to split up with him, because he hasn't updated his profile?

If you aren't prepared to raise the subject with him, because 'you hate conflict', I would suggest you are not ready for any kind of relationship anyway. And your relationship is already pretty doomed because you lack good communication and trust within it.

Your issue isn't about a FB status, in case you were wondering.

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