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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu my boyfriend’s Facebook still says ‘single’ after 18 months

205 replies

finniesmummy · 11/12/2020 08:15

So, as title says, I have been with my boyfriend for 18 months now. His Facebook is still set as ‘single’.
It really upsets me but I’m not sure how to broach the subject and I’m loathe to cause any issues or arguments

OP posts:
PerveenMistry · 11/12/2020 10:42

@DappledOliveGroves

I totally understand, OP, and don't know why you're getting so many unhelpful comment.

I don't have a relationship status on my Facebook; nor does DP on his. If, though, his of mine stated we were single (we're actually engaged) then this would be a major red flag.

My friend is in a similar position. Her (wanker) of a husband hasn't updated his Facebook - it says he is single - he doesn't post anything about my friend (his wife) or their child and, because he's from a different country then I imagine many of his friends and family don't actually know he's married. It's a similar thing with my step-daughter. She's been with her partner for four years, his status is single, there's not a single picture or acknowledgment of her on his Facebook page, he's never bought her a birthday present or Christmas present (despite them living together) and spends his time ranting and swearing at her.

In a nutshell, the lack of a status update on Facebook is a sign that he doesn't take your relationship seriously. You haven't met his friends, family etc. If he wanted a proper relationship then he'd have introduced you to all and sundry with pride. It sounds to me that he isn't bothered, doesn't really love you and that you, deep down, realise this.

All of this. Facebook is irrelevant but hiding you from family & friends for 18 months ...? I wouldn't call that much of a relationship.

Silentplikebath · 11/12/2020 10:44

What’s the worst that can happen if you ask him? If he gets angry or breaks up with you, you will know that he has never really cared about you. I suspect he sees you as a casual relationship but you need to find out. You need to stop going over to his place most evenings. Tell him that you’d like to meet his children and friends (if this is what you want).

I wouldn’t still be dating someone after 18 months if they made so little effort with me!

unmarkedbythat · 11/12/2020 10:44

Look, pp who think that anyone posting to say that the relationship status on facebook is of no import to them are not doing so to be unhelpful but to point out that many people are similarly unconcerned by it. OP has expanded on her concerns and it's clear this is not really about Facebook, but for many of us it does not matter what our or our partner's relationship status on social media says and it is valid to point this out.

Meruem · 11/12/2020 10:46

FB is just a symptom, it’s not the problem. You have different expectations of what this relationship is, and where it’s going. The problem is if you avoid confrontation at all costs then you’re not going to talk to him about it.

To be blunt you have 2 choices. Talk to him (forget FB, that’s not the main issue) or put up with it, and accept this “relationship” isn’t serious or going anywhere.

yetanothernamitynamechange · 11/12/2020 10:46

@PerveenMistry Its a cunning way of ensuring that the OP considers him her boyfriend and puts him first (and crucially doesnt see other men) while he is free to put himself first and pursue other women (if any show any actual interest). Because its just casual (he just didnt tell her that). I am not saying that definately is the case, but you really need to talk to him. Because if he does see you as casual then you can either leave him, or agree and treat the relationship as a casual thing yourself (he wont like this).

yetanothernamitynamechange · 11/12/2020 10:48

But I wouldnt actually advocate playing games to try to change his level of commitment. The prize is never worth the effort even if you win.

FestiveChristmasLights · 11/12/2020 10:48

Are you sure you are in a relationship with him and not FWB?

OhCaptain · 11/12/2020 10:48

Sounds like he's married and you're the OW!

Snally82 · 11/12/2020 10:51

I’m not even friends with my bf on FB, who cares, it’s not relevant and it’s not real life. Never bothered me at all

Googlebrained · 11/12/2020 10:53

It sounds like he likes you enough to hang out, have sex etc but not to commit and have an equal, close relationship.

I think you would benefit from some counselling or assertiveness training. You should be able to disagree with people or voice your opinion without being confrontational.

Thehop · 11/12/2020 10:56

So you’re good enough to have sex with but not be a part of his life?

Please don’t put up with this.

Original poster
finniesmummy · 11/12/2020 11:01

I really am not good with the confidence/self respect thing. I know that.
The stupid thing is, im a secondary’s school teacher! I have no issue with asserting myself over teenagers!
But in my eyes, I should be important enough to him for him to want to do these things without me needing to bring it up with him.
Im obviously not as important to him as he is to me. Most of you - the helpful ones of you- have made me admit that. It’s just really hard for me to acknowledge this and get on with sorting it out.

OP posts:
OhCaptain · 11/12/2020 11:04

If you're worried about a showdown then send an email/text.

He hasn't really earned more consideration than that, has he?

HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 11/12/2020 11:05

You need to be with a man who includes and celebrates you as his partner
You don’t need to be confrontational you simply need to be able to assert yourself. Confidently
However you’re with a man who exploits your lack of confidence

Annasgirl · 11/12/2020 11:08

Hi OP, I agree with OhCaptain on this - he really has not earned the right for a full-on sit down conversation with you (I am sorry to say that you are in a FWB relationship - and actually, are you even friends??? I mean, you have met none of his friends.)

You have 3 DC - please respect yourself enough and show them how a good relationship works, by ending this, going for counselling and then, when you are happy and secure in yourself, find a man who respects you enough to date you in public.

yetanothernamitynamechange · 11/12/2020 11:08

@finniesmummy you are right though, you SHOULD be important enough. But some men do get an ego boost out of maintaining an unequal balance of power/commitment in relationships. I have suddered from incredibly low self esteem in the past, so I understand how hard it can be. But in my experience, being in an unbalanced relationship will only lower your self confidence further. Good luck!

hadesinahalfahell · 11/12/2020 11:12

I think some posters are being deliberately obtuse. Some people may be above social media and find the whole thing immature, but like it or not, for many people it is a way of presenting their identity to the world. This man clearly wants to portray himself as being a single bloke. To anyone who knows him and has FB (apparently including a raft of female acquaintances) he is very much single and showing the female population that he's available.

It's not the same as work/where you live not being updated. It's not the same as having no relationship status on there.

Tallied with him having zero pictures or other evidence of a partner on there despite being a frequent social media user, and OP not having been introduced to those close to him, to me it seems as if he wants to keep up the narrative of being a single, available man.

My last partner actually removed his relationship status on Facebook at some point during the course of this relationship and this was shortly followed by all pictures he uploaded showing no representation of a man with a live in partner etc. Just 'lads' nights and any holiday pictures just had him in it. Surprise, he was repeatedly cheating on me.

It doesn't matter if some people believe that social media is petty, I think these situations are a pretty good indicator in the same way that not inviting you to an event with friends etc would be.

Eckhart · 11/12/2020 11:18

It really upsets me but I’m not sure how to broach the subject and I’m loathe to cause any issues or arguments

This is a deeply unhealthy mind set. Your feelings are important. Your feelings are who you are. Why don't you feel that you are important enough to raise an issue about something that upsets you? Why do you think it will cause a problem? Can you see how never stating your feelings is going to cause enormous problems (ie if you never state your needs, nobody will ever meet them, including you, and you will just perpetually need)?

Newkitchen123 · 11/12/2020 11:18

Good luck with sorting it out.
Casual relationships are perfectly fine if that's what you both want.
But it sounds like you both want different things

ThirstyGhost · 11/12/2020 11:18

My personal experience is that when you have a feeling that you are being "hidden" from a boyfriend's friends/family, etc.... it's either because they still consider themselves to be single/open to other options or there's something big that you don't know about (unresolved relationship with an ex or similar).

The FB status wouldn't matter at all if the relationship was otherwise good. It's not usual for you not to be meeting friends and family at this stage. I think you're right to feel off about it. I suspect his friends don't know about you. To be honest I'd wouldn't put a lot of effort into sorting this out. In a good relationship the person is proud to be with you and wants people they love and care about to meet you. This just doesn't sound good. The way you spend time together sounds sketchy to me too (the same two restaurants). That's the kind of thing I associate with someone trying to avoid people and hide something.

Gwenhwyfar · 11/12/2020 11:24

"Doesn't single just mean not married?

Try it. If someone asks you out, try saying 'I'm single'. I mean I could do this, but I doubt my partner would be very impressed. FB gives you the options of 'single' or 'in a relationship' and I think possibly 'married' is there as well. I would not want my partner to tell people he is single."

Depends on the context, doesn't it? Man asks at a party 'are you single?'. If you have a boyfriend you'd say 'no'.
Asked by the job centre 'are you single?' - you'd say yes unless you were married (or maybe cohabiting).
On FB it's 'relationship status' rather than 'marital status'.

I don't get why people are saying it's 'childish' to be bothered about a boyfriend claiming to be single on FB? FB is out of favour with the youngsters now, but growing in popularity with the middle aged and over.

LindaEllen · 11/12/2020 11:27

It sounds like you don't trust him, and that's nothing to do with his relationship status on Facebook. It honestly sounds like you want to use it almost as a 'this boyfriend belongs to ' label, and that's not what it's for.

Some people just like to be more private than that.

But the main thing is that you should be able to TALK to him about it, for goodness sake. You should be having this discussion with HIM, not a load of strangers on the internet.

And I doubt that you need to be worried about the fact he has loads of girls as friends on there, either. They're almost certainly not queuing round the block to jump his bones.

unmarkedbythat · 11/12/2020 11:30

I think some posters are being deliberately obtuse. Some people may be above social media and find the whole thing immature

No one has said they are 'above' it. Not finding your facebook relationship status important does not think you mean those who are immature or beneath you. It means you have a different point of view. Most conversations are aided by people sharing a range of viewpoints rather than only one being permitted and anyone expressing a different one being told they are being 'deliberately obsuse'. This is not a hive mind and dissent is perfectly fine.

unmarkedbythat · 11/12/2020 11:31

*those who do

Gwenhwyfar · 11/12/2020 11:32

@CorianderBlues

You're not allowed on FB single's/dating pages unless you have "single" as your status.

He's mucking around 100%.

Not all people with single in their status are on the dating pages though.