AIBU to tell DH he can't go out 2 evenings a week

[SquashSoup]

I need some unbiased opinions on this please. Happy to accept I'm being UR if needed.

We have a 22 month old DS and a 2 month old DD. Putting DS to bed is currently a bit of nightmare and easily takes 2 hours. DH usually does this while I clean the kitchen and tidy away all the toys, I'm also often cluster-feeding DD at this time, she's EBF.

On Wednesday evenings DH goes out with some friends, leaving me to do everything myself. Its really stressful and difficult trying to get DS to sleep while also breastfeeding the baby, but I don't begrudge him a few hours with his mates once a week.

However DH has now announced he's going out with the same lads again tomorrow night & I'm worried this could become a regular addition.

AIBU to tell him that he can't go out with his mates 2 evenings in one week while we have 2 such young children?

Just to be fair, he does help with DS when he's not working, including getting up with him in the mornings so I can catch up on some of the sleep I lose doing the night-wakings.

However in general I do 100% of the childcare for DD, the vast majority of the childcare for DS (he's not in nursery or anything), & the vast majority of household chores, life admin, etc. I get no child-free time at all.

You going to get him to practice looking after your dd?

Ffs! Did you get practice? Did someone give you your babies for a few hours at a time so you could 'practice'

He's a grown man and her father. He doesn't need to practice, he needs to put his being boy pants on and get on with it. You do.

He needs to practice looking after the baby?

What is there to practice? It's a baby. It's basically a little lump which just needs fed and changed and for a couple of house while you're out. Is this man a grown up? Does he have additional needs which make him incapable of caring for a baby? Is there some valid excuse for why he cannot do it?

Or is it just because he gets away with it?

I do think on this occasion it sounds like a bit of a one-off so I would let it go.

However I do definitely think he should be having both kids on Sunday when you're out.

Also agree re shortening bed time as that is the real issue here.

@LilyLongJohn

You going to get him to practice looking after your dd?

Ffs! Did you get practice? Did someone give you your babies for a few hours at a time so you could 'practice'

He's a grown man and her father. He doesn't need to practice, he needs to put his being boy pants on and get on with it. You do.

Yes, you need to practice giving an EBF a bottle. It's not something that comes naturally to them. Some never take to it at all.

[quote SleepingStandingUp]@anguauberwaldironfoundersson and was your baby ebf until that night and you hadn't checked if she'd take a bottle?[/quote]
Jesus Christ, this isn't about me. My point was that regardless of how my child was fed, my husband would have done everything in his power to ensure my time away was successful and not just dismissed it because "babies need their mothers"

@Circumlocutious

You know exactly what I was implying.

It shouldn't be a tit for tat battle

[quote littleharissa]@Circumlocutious

You know exactly what I was implying.

It shouldn't be a tit for tat battle [/quote]
It’s not a battle. It’s recognising that, left unchecked, ‘one-offs’ like DH going out for an extra night can easily become habits. That’s the gender norm, unfortunately. Much better that OP makes her conditions known now, than getting silently resentful for months then complaining on MN in a year about her DH having more free time outside the home

@CorianderBlues what a delight.

OP my DP is out a lot. He has sport commitments 2/3evenings a week and a day at the weekend (pre covid)
He will also sometimes see his friends on a weekend or after work for a few hours (when allowed with covid). He's not cheating on me.
We're very happy. Although I don't really go out that much If I wanted to he would have the kids.
I think when you have young children and no hobbies yourself (like me) Its easy to get a little jealous sometimes but I see it as it is what it is. I quite look forward to getting the kids to bed and having an hour alone (soon to be with the baby)
If you don't have time to do your kitchen then let him do it when he gets in.

Your DH works and then puts your DS to bed which "easily takes 2 hours". He also helps with him when he isn't working too and gets him up so you can catch up on sleep.

I would talk to him about sharing the household tasks too. However, what I wouldn't do is tell DH he can't go out. He is an adult.

You need to have a calm discussion about splitting care of your children and household tasks, taking into account his work and your breastfeeding and come up with a suitable split. Beyond that you should come up with plans for each of you to socialise with others (and perhaps a date night).

I can understand not wanting to take a 2 month old EBF baby away from mum too far away.

I agree with sorting out your sons bedtime.

He shouldn’t be meeting friends in a beer garden in tier 2, it’s same households only.

I would also be annoyed with twice a week.

@Circumlocutious

But it is. It's saying 'I'm not happy with you going out, so I'll give you a job so show my annoyance and feel like it's 'fair' rather than actually talking about it'

Surely the OP should concentrate more on just communicating with her DH and speaking to him rather than dishing out jobs as retaliation in the hope that'll get her point across

I wouldn't mind this at all. EBF means the tiny really needs to be with their mother although I take your point regarding expressed milk.
One of mine used to take forever at bedtime so I don't necessarily think 2 hours is outlandish.
One of his outings is his regular sport which I wouldn't resent in any way and the other appears to be a one-off.
It sounds as if you are weary but I wouldn't insist on my DH missing out on fun in order to even leisure time up.
I would however be working on helping your DH to gain confidence with the baby. It is horrible when they cry incessant, my DC3 used to cry in the car ie to and from school every day for months morning and evening. There was nothing to be done , but I knew that and just accepted it.

We just had a calm conversation about it. I said that I wasn't going to stop him going out tonight but that I'm starting to feel resentful about not getting any child-free time and that we need to resolve that as resentment is toxic to a relationship.

I suggested that I will have a child-free evening tomorrow by hanging out alone in our bedroom while he looks after both kids and puts them to bed. (Not the most fun I could have but the best I could come up with at short notice in a pandemic).

I'll express milk for DD and I do think she'll be fine with that, but if she really won't take a bottle then I can take over. And assuming this goes well, DH has agreed to take them both when I go see friends in the future.

We also spoke about how unhealthy DS's bedtime is and both came up with some solutions we're going to try.

So yeah I'm feeling quite positive about it. It's not going to be fun dealing with them both tonight but DH knows that it's not going to be a regular thing unless he can put DS to bed at a sensible time first.

Thanks again for all the responses, they really helped me to see the situation more clearly.

It wouldn't bother me as I get as much downtime and sorry to say but if my husband had said he couldn't look after both then I'd have laughed and gone out anyway. I didn't exclusively BF though so easier as we were both capable of feeding. Still I don't see why you can't feed, go out alone and be back for next feed or have him meet you somewhere so you can feed and go back to friends.

2 hours for a 2 year old to go to sleep is extreme though. If you can both get that sorted things would become much easier.

If he can't give the baby a bottle then he's even more useless then just wanting to go see his friends at the pub 🤷

Fine as a one off but I wouldn’t let him make a habit of it by any means. It’s always difficult with EBF babies, mine would never take bottles so I had to take them everywhere I went for the first 6 or so months (first year if I’m being frank because they don’t tend to eat much in the way of solids until 1).

Well done OP.
Nothing kills love quicker than one party being selfish.

Good for you for not quietly seething, but taking action and articulating clearly what you want.

I have written here before that one of the best bits of advice I was given before I had my first was to leave the baby on it's own with it's father asap...and let him get on with it.
I did this within 1 week.
It was only to the shops nearby fornot even an hour and my husband was very nervous.
But he did it, got used to it and I was able to have time for myself.
It is so important to do this.
He's not helping.
He's parenting HIS child.
Same with bedtime.
Sod this, "they prefer mummy".🙄
They do not get to choose.

@missbipolar

If he can't give the baby a bottle then he's even more useless then just wanting to go see his friends at the pub 🤷

That’s very unfair, this is a ebf child, sometimes they want to feed for comfort not just hunger.

Op, you have handled it well and this is the way to build up your daughter taking a bottle and you getting time off, without any stress.

Well done for having a reasonable conversation. The dangerous part of having young children is resenting the other and thinking YOU have the worst card.

@missbipolar

If he can't give the baby a bottle then he's even more useless then just wanting to go see his friends at the pub 🤷

Many ebf babies do not want a bottle and refuse it regardless of who tries to feed them with one. It’s nothing to do with being useless.

@missbipolar

If he can't give the baby a bottle then he's even more useless then just wanting to go see his friends at the pub 🤷

Baby is ebf. It isn't about his inability to shove the right end on the open hole, it's about the end baby taking it.

@SquashSoup glad you had a discussion on both bits and came to an agreement. How about a long hot bath with the door locked?

That sounds like such a brilliant outcome!

I think sometimes with parenting we get so consumed with life that we forget to just talk

@SquashSoup

We just had a calm conversation about it. I said that I wasn't going to stop him going out tonight but that I'm starting to feel resentful about not getting any child-free time and that we need to resolve that as resentment is toxic to a relationship.

I suggested that I will have a child-free evening tomorrow by hanging out alone in our bedroom while he looks after both kids and puts them to bed. (Not the most fun I could have but the best I could come up with at short notice in a pandemic).

I'll express milk for DD and I do think she'll be fine with that, but if she really won't take a bottle then I can take over. And assuming this goes well, DH has agreed to take them both when I go see friends in the future.

We also spoke about how unhealthy DS's bedtime is and both came up with some solutions we're going to try.

So yeah I'm feeling quite positive about it. It's not going to be fun dealing with them both tonight but DH knows that it's not going to be a regular thing unless he can put DS to bed at a sensible time first.

Thanks again for all the responses, they really helped me to see the situation more clearly.

Glad you two were able to talk about it and come up with a resolution, I hope you get your break tomorrow night

You dealt with it perfectly. The point is n0t to inhibit one another but to facilitate. Nice work.

YABU to say he cant go out because you struggle with getting the kids to bed... however he is also being unreasonable and should return the favour when you want to go out alone.