AIBU to tell DH he can't go out 2 evenings a week

[SquashSoup]

I need some unbiased opinions on this please. Happy to accept I'm being UR if needed.

We have a 22 month old DS and a 2 month old DD. Putting DS to bed is currently a bit of nightmare and easily takes 2 hours. DH usually does this while I clean the kitchen and tidy away all the toys, I'm also often cluster-feeding DD at this time, she's EBF.

On Wednesday evenings DH goes out with some friends, leaving me to do everything myself. Its really stressful and difficult trying to get DS to sleep while also breastfeeding the baby, but I don't begrudge him a few hours with his mates once a week.

However DH has now announced he's going out with the same lads again tomorrow night & I'm worried this could become a regular addition.

AIBU to tell him that he can't go out with his mates 2 evenings in one week while we have 2 such young children?

Just to be fair, he does help with DS when he's not working, including getting up with him in the mornings so I can catch up on some of the sleep I lose doing the night-wakings.

However in general I do 100% of the childcare for DD, the vast majority of the childcare for DS (he's not in nursery or anything), & the vast majority of household chores, life admin, etc. I get no child-free time at all.

I don't see a problem with two nights a week tbh.

BUT

You need to be getting the freedom to go out too. And thats where the deal breaker is, not with him out twice a week.

It’s bloody December and freezing what on earth is he actually doing, sitting in a park with his mates?

All DH's mates like camping. It being December isn't a problem for anyone with the right attitude and thermals!

I don't think you're being unreasonable. It's 2020, not 1950. Leaving you at home two nights a week to 'go out with the lads' when you have a two month old baby feels very old fashioned to me.

I think one night a week would maybe be reasonable, and IF your youngest was a bit older too.

He is acting like a single man with no commitments. It's not reasonable to for a man with the family to 'go out with the lads' twice a week.

I also think if it was a more wholesome hobby it would seem less bad (i.e. sport or something).

@ SquashSoup

Been there got the T-shirt.

You need look at what your comfortable with and work from there. Not YOU finding solutions for him ‘escaping’ - because that’s exactly what he is doing.

As SAHM mothers we tend to just get on with it. Which does create a tier system with in the house on who’s needs matter first.

IME some men are inherently selfish and play daft to how much they are pushing boundaries or taking the piss. Dont put yourself on the bottom on the tier system.

If your not happy with him going out two nights a week whilst your struggling with the kids - that should be enough. Why should it be down to you to find solutions? He is a grown adult. Yes he might be at work all day but your putting in a graft too with probably much much less sleep.

My husbands one night a week at football turned in to two nights a week and one weekend morning. Then the gym started creeping in on other free nights.

I was too tired to arrange nights out or to see friends even though he suggested I did go out on occasion. When in reality I just wanted help with the kids at home.

If you think he is taking the piss - he probably my is.

@cherryblossomx3

Some of the responses on here are the reason the balance is still so skewed.

I absolutely agree.

**But I think she would be fine with expressed milk in bottles as she's taken it before

Don’t rely on this, test it. My baby had bottle when she was a few weeks old. And then stopped. We tried all sorts of shapes and sizes, she would scream her head off and not taking it.
But even so you can still get time off in between feeds.

If it was a one off I’d be fine with it. But I’d make it clear that it was a one off.

why cant he go out after DS is sleeping. thats what me and my partner did if he was arranging meet ups with friends and the kids were hard to settle we always agreed to help our partner first and then head out.

I wouldn’t mind about going out twice a week but he should help you settle DS before he goes out.

Yes, if it's not happening all the time, then I think YABU

The biggest issue here is it taking 2 hours to put your child to bed

think I'm going to suggest that in return for him going out tonight I'd like him to research some strategies for improving DS's sleep and create an action plan

Oh FGS, is he your husband or an employee? No wonder he wants to go out.

YANBU. Once a week is plenty while your DC are these ages. I would suggestion you should try to leave him to it one evening so he can see what it’s like but appreciate BF makes that difficult.

Please ignore the posters telling you to “sort out” your DC sleep as a solution. It is totally normal for bedtime to be very difficult when you have a small baby and a young toddler.

Are you sure he's meeting colleagues/mates? Seems suspect to me.

I bet there's an OW. Think about it, you've got a 2 months old, been pregnant for months, and have a recent other DC. Is he emptying his pot elsewhere? It all fits, and with you being the permanent childcare he knows he can get away with it.

I think he's going out twice a week to escape his duties as a parent.

He needs to help out at bedtime before he goes out.

I'm meeting up with some friends on Sunday afternoon (for only the second time since DD was born, due to the lockdown) and DH is going to look after DS but he wouldn't take DD too, so she's coming with me.

Are you actually shitting me?!?

@littleharissa

think I'm going to suggest that in return for him going out tonight I'd like him to research some strategies for improving DS's sleep and create an action plan

Oh FGS, is he your husband or an employee? No wonder he wants to go out.

Err, isn’t that what women do all the time? Come on to a place like MumsNet, ask the question about their child’s sleep and get at least 3 pages of (mostly) helpful suggestions and advice. If he’s been struggling for three months and hasn’t made progress, then researching strategies is exactly what he should do. It’s not OPs fault that such basic resourcefulness isn’t common to many fathers.

I think as you have a two month old he should be helping more as presumably you are still recovering from birth, trying to get into a routine with the kids. He gets a night off with football, fair enough he wants to go to a beer garden but he should be putting your ds to bed first or at least doing tea and tidying up before he goes. If your baby is ebf then understandably he will not be able to take her away from you for a significant amount of time unless you express.

Only you know if he pulls his weight otherwise. Why should only your life be changed after you have a baby?

@CrotchBurn

"He also says that babies need their mothers."

That's handy isnt it?

Hes a skiver

I went for a night away when DD was 8 weeks old (pre booked before pregnancy and couldn't be cancelled)

DH was fine and was more annoyed dealing with me calling every two minutes to see if he was ok

What he's saying is utter bullshit OP

I think there are alot of red herrings here.
The 2hr bedtime is clearly something to be dealt with but I think what is coming across to me is that you are beginning to resent him for getting time away from the children when you do not at all. You need to find some way of getting some time to yourself away from the children - but in a way that is comfortable for the baby.

From i think a little younger than your dd, my DH used to take both kids out for a walk both weekend days, straight after a feed. Wrap them up- Baby in pram, toddler on a scooter (mine have a bigger age gap - maybe a double buggy is better for yours) They walked for an hour. That gave me an hour of quiet. Sometimes I did not move from the chair. Other days I did allsorts but there was no expectation that I did anything. Just that quiet time - it is amazing how restorative it was - and infact still is as he still does it sometimes now - but instead of the pram they take a football to the park!

@anguauberwaldironfoundersson

Did you leave for a night away knowing that your baby hadn’t drank milk from a bottle for two months?

There is a lot of ignorance here about exclusive breastfeeding and the challenges it offers (many babies struggle to take bottles - that was certainly my experience, and I tried every bottle going from about six weeks, expressed milk, formula the lot).

So OP is going somewhere an hour, so minimum away time 3-4 hours, from a cluster feeding 8 week old. I wouldn’t want to be looking after a baby like that unless I had a way of feeding them either.

The solution is for DH to keep trying the baby with a bottle, which OP has already said they’ll do in this thread.

@Circumlocutious

My comment wasn't based upon that. It was the fact the husband was shirking his duties as a parent and refusing to look after his child for a couple of hours because "the baby needs it's mother"

What he should have said to her was "yes darling, we will find a way for you to go out and have some time for yourself, and figure out a way to keep the baby happy too" or words to that effect. As it is, he sounds like a dickhead who doesn't truly believe what's good for the goose is good for the gander

@anguauberwaldironfoundersson

I'm meeting up with some friends on Sunday afternoon (for only the second time since DD was born, due to the lockdown) and DH is going to look after DS but he wouldn't take DD too, so she's coming with me.

Are you actually shitting me?!?

His daughter is going bf and hadn't been given a bottle I months ago they don't even know if she'll take it and he'll be an hour away. I wouldn't take a baby under those circumstances either. Now he might be a worthless shit who sits in the bathroom for 90 minutes having put his son to bed in 30 watching porn, who does nothing round the house and who is awful to op. Or he might not. But it really isn't fair to take an 8 week old baby out for hours and have no idea if it will feed. And if he brought bottles and randomly gave baby formula so he could see if he can take her out without Mom, posters would go ballistic

If it was a once off thing I'd get over it but a regular 2 nights every week with two babies no fucking way

@anguauberwaldironfoundersson and was your baby ebf until that night and you hadn't checked if she'd take a bottle?

I'm meeting up with some friends on Sunday afternoon (for only the second time since DD was born, due to the lockdown) and DH is going to look after DS but he wouldn't take DD too, so she's coming with me

He won't look after them both or he can't because you're BF? If he just won't do it, then I take back my last point, he shouldn't be going out any night of the week if he won't let you have the same break

Most of the time I go out I do it once kids are in bed. Let him get the elder one to bed then go out if he wants a second night. And make sure he recognises you are being really kind and accomodating and doesn't take the piss.