To think knocking back 3 bottles of wine per week represents alcohol abuse & an alcohol problem?

[Trying2Heal]

I honestly believe I have been abusing alcohol for 10 years or so. I don’t really find drinking fun or pleasurable, it feels more like taking medicine to relieve pain or something. I drink just enough to numb out feelings that I can’t cope with (from childhood trauma + an abusive relationship). Even while in therapy I continued drinking -- in fact I felt an even stronger urge to drink after any therapy session that involved discussing traumatic memories...

During the past 10 years I’ve consistently downed one bottle of wine 3 nights a week every week by myself. Sometimes I might do 2 bottles a week instead of 3. On an extremely bad week I’d do 4. I’ve reached out to my GP for help with quitting alcohol but he said the amount I am drinking is that not that extreme and is not escalating. I have been in therapy and the therapist said she didn’t consider me an alcoholic.

But how can drinking an entire bottle of wine by yourself and getting no pleasure from it yet feeling compelled to keep doing it NOT represent an alcohol problem?

During the past 10 years I’ve quit about 5 times — at one point I quit for 18 months and felt amazing. But each time I end up going back. After the 18 month teetotal stint I was up for an amazing lucrative new work contract and the CEOs had a thing for champagne. I told myself that I’d indulge in champagne with them just that day to build rapport, make sure I got the contract etc and then immediately switch back to teetotal. But that never happened. I clearly can’t just have a couple of drinks without then feeling compelled to slide back into the wine binges.

Anyone here have a similar drinking pattern? Do you drink to numb emotional pain rather than just for pleasure?

Haven't RTFT but alcoholism isn't about volume. It's about dependency. Your drinking could be habitual but it sounds more like you want to stop and can't. Which does indicate a problem.

Your GP was really unhelpful. See someone else. I also found that Facebook groups and threads on here kept me motivated and accountable when I wanted to cut down. At one point I was drinking either a full bottle of wine or several glasses of spirit and mixer nearly every night of the week. I cut back successfully but haven't given up altogether. But I no longer feel the same triggers to crack open a bottle at a certain time. I can take it or leave it and drink because I enjoy it not because I need to.

I still probably have more units than I should but my attitude and dependency issues have improved a lot. That's what you need to work on. And maybe you won't be able to be an occasional drinker, some people do have to be all or nothing. But don't beat yourself up or give yourself unhelpful labels. Just focus on making positive changes one day at a time.

I'm 3 years sober & lost my partner to alcoholism, anyone saying that it is easy to get alcohol counselling everywhere is wrong, services have been cut to the bone, sold off to private suppliers, that is why my partner died, the threshold to be accepted has been increased & there are less people employed for drug & alcohol services. You would be better getting your GP to refer you to IAPT services for CBT counselling to explore why you drink & give you the tools to stop.

@Nat6999 - what do you mean by 'the tools to stop'

You need to stop, aa may help
Find a therapist you trust and work on the trama

@PurpleFrames

AA has more God language because it has Christian foundations. There's no forcing religion on you though. In NA they talk about your higher powder so that could be nature, love etc. Just to get you in the headspace of not submitting to the ego, which it seems to me you've already got sorted!

NA is open to those who struggle with any substance so don't feel like you have to limit yourself to AA if it doesn't feel right for you.

Meetings are taking place on zoom atm across the fellowships- but a quick google can find you the links, there's a huge amount of meetings happening really amazing. Plus there's women's only/ parents/ minority group meets if that appeals to you x

Oh I had not realised that. So I could go to NA then even though I'm not a narcotics addict?

@Melange99

I have drunk 3 bottles of alcohol a week for more years than I care to remember. Since March it crept up to 4 bottles, the occasional beer or gin. I started to feel really unhappy about the level of consumption. My DH is a big drinker, from a big drinking family, and I drink because he does. I am an adult, I make my own decisions but because he does, I join him. Not blaming him, although if I say to him I am going to cut down, he looks unhappy, because his drinking buddy is not drinking.

4 weeks ago I was drinking a glass of wine and I just was not enjoying it, I was just drinking it because it was there. I poured it away and downloaded on Kindle Alcohol Lied to Me which somebody else has just recommended on here. I am not sure how this guy does it, but almost immediately he hooked me in, and made me want to stop drinking. I have not wanted an alcohol since reading it. It is weird. I know it's early days but it's like a switch has been flicked and the urge just isn't there.

Sleep is bloody fantastic, my bank balance is better, and that feeling of disquiet I have been feeling for the last few years has gone. My DH is drinking a lot less too.

This is just awesome

Just do it op. Not alone, get help, but stop talking and make that call

Alcohol is addictive - don't beat yourself up, we dress it up, wine, vodka, beer but even if it's a little if you can't give it up you're addicted to it. If it was really the taste as many claim we'd sip nice flavoured drinks at a fraction of the price. But we want the alcohol buzz. (Cue people posting that it's not the alcohol but the taste blablabla)
One thing that helped me was to have a treat of nice chocolate/ fizzy drink or similar to reach for instead of wine, if I can get over that initial craving I can enjoy a wine free evening. But beating the craving is hard.

@Trying2Heal aa isn't religious. But it is spiritual. It's very much promotion of 'getting out of self' kind of getting out of your own head (our heads are the very things that keep us drinking /led us to cope by drinking) so it's good stuff. It's hard to explain without seeing it for yourself really. Initially though it's just about stopping drinking and maintaining sobriety. It's very much encouraged in the first few months to just listen to others 'share'. There will be people you relate to and people you don't but most of the 'feelings' you hear people share are identical. There will be many many people there that will have had traumas similar to yours. (there certainly was at meetings I'd attended) I'd start with the helpline. You'll often be very surprised at who you end up speaking to. I've met consultants, solicitors, dentists, barristers in aa. They like the anonymity. Don't rule it out until you try it I say. Might be good even just for the early weeks.

OP come to an online SMART meeting with me, they're good. Also everyone on the long running sober thread on MN is super friendly and supportive.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/alcohol_support/4043965-YES-it-is-SO-worth-it-YES-it-gets-easier-and-YES-we-thought-it-was-impossible-as-well-its-not-A-thread-for-those-embracing-an-alcohol-free-existence

smartrecovery.org.uk/online-meetings/

Links there for you x

So I could go to NA then even though I'm not a narcotics addict?

Absolutely 😊 in some meetings they read a card which talks about how the organisation views alcohol as a drug and doesn't see alcoholism as a separate condition from substance abuse disorder (medical name for addiction).

There's also loads of other organisations like CA ( cocaine ) the focus is the-same, recovery not the substance.

From my personal perspective the people I've met in NA that were originally AA members have ended up at NA because they were turned off by the religious element.

I'd love to.
I went to the Smart Recovery and it looked like the next meetings aren't until next week. So I was going to go to an online one next Wednesday or Thursday

Needs rotating. But this is one of the many handouts I got given by alcohol counsellor (a very compassionate and intelligent lady) its really simple but helps you recognise where your psychology is around drinking (or not drinking)

I wouldn't have thought the quantity would be a problem - but if you feel like it's affecting your life - then it is an issue for you.

At my (not) worst, I was drinking at least 3 bottles a day, but it's different for everyone.

Maybe check out some of the AA zoom meetings if you want? There are loads of them and lots of support!

Nobody says "I only smoke 5 a day so am I really a nicotine addict?" Yes they aren't smoking 40 a day, but the amount is irrelevant. They are just as addicted. In fact, some 40 a day smokers might be able to give up fairly easily because it was just a habit they formed because their husband smoked, or whatever, whereas the 5 a day smoker might take years to crack the habit. Addiction to any substance is not about the quantity. The quantity is irrelevant to the psychological process it triggers. A psychological process that might be uncomfortable, or might kill you, and you never know which way the odds will fall because drinking at all starts off the Crazy.

Its not the amount thats an issue. I have been in meetings with people drinking litres of vodka and also people involved in criminal activities. My issues are not in that league but they are impacting my health and my life.

AlazarinRed a CBT therapist would help to address why poster needs to drink & also teach her techniques to manage emotions & stress that may be causing the need to drink & distraction techniques. Part of this is creating a "toolbox" that she can use to manage all of these.

If you feel you need alcohol you do have a dependency issue but that doesn't mean that you need a drs help. Have you tried quitting by reducing - cap your alcohol initially at 2 bottles and actively try to not finish the bottle on the first night thus splitting 2 bottles over three days. Once that is your normal, try reducing to one bottle (wait a minimum of a month between reductions to try to reduce cravings). It's quite possible to do it with will power along but my tip is to replace partly with a substitute, we started having (decaf) tea after dinner to start the alcohol consumption later for instance. I vary my consumption, always did and didn't have an issue but my exh was like you, finishing the bottle, now he can screw the lid on and make it last 3 days.

I do think it’s a problem. But a really common one. In my last job all my colleagues drank every evening, typically at least half a bottle a day. They all had some ‘side effects’ from this, but continued to do it. It’s just seen as the norm, it’s such a big part of the culture.

I used to have an issue with alcohol. I dont think you need to be labelled an alcoholic. If it is an issue for you, then it is an issue.

I sorted my issue out by reading a book (I know, I didn't think a book could change much either). I'd recommend buying "This Naked Mind" by Annie Grace. She also runs alcohol experiments all the time where you quit drinking for 30 days and you get a daily email and a video by her or a pschologist / addiction expert. It changed my life.

OP, you talk about trauma from your past and how difficult you find it to talk about which leads to self medicating.
Have you considered EMDR? Not all trauma responds to talking about it, in fact in some cases eg PTSD it can actually make it worse. A friend of mine was struggling really badly (childhood sexual abuse that caused PTSD) and eventually after a lengthy assessment the psychiatrist said counselling was not suitable and recommended EMDR.
It wasn't a miracle cure, she's still working on it all but there has been a marked improvement.
Good luck, well done for admitting you have a problem. So many people who are busy minimising their own excessive drinking telling you that you are fine but you know you aren't.

SMART have meetings every day on Zoom OP. x

Can I suggest r/stopdrinking over on Reddit. Very helpful for anyone who wants to do just that

I am genuinely surprised so many people do not think this is a lot of alcohol.

To be honest, though, regardless of amount you clearly have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol and so I do think you should tackle that even if it may not be alcoholism insofar as needing to drink (though if it is, I'm more inclined towards towards alcoholism)