To think knocking back 3 bottles of wine per week represents alcohol abuse & an alcohol problem?

[Trying2Heal]

I honestly believe I have been abusing alcohol for 10 years or so. I don’t really find drinking fun or pleasurable, it feels more like taking medicine to relieve pain or something. I drink just enough to numb out feelings that I can’t cope with (from childhood trauma + an abusive relationship). Even while in therapy I continued drinking -- in fact I felt an even stronger urge to drink after any therapy session that involved discussing traumatic memories...

During the past 10 years I’ve consistently downed one bottle of wine 3 nights a week every week by myself. Sometimes I might do 2 bottles a week instead of 3. On an extremely bad week I’d do 4. I’ve reached out to my GP for help with quitting alcohol but he said the amount I am drinking is that not that extreme and is not escalating. I have been in therapy and the therapist said she didn’t consider me an alcoholic.

But how can drinking an entire bottle of wine by yourself and getting no pleasure from it yet feeling compelled to keep doing it NOT represent an alcohol problem?

During the past 10 years I’ve quit about 5 times — at one point I quit for 18 months and felt amazing. But each time I end up going back. After the 18 month teetotal stint I was up for an amazing lucrative new work contract and the CEOs had a thing for champagne. I told myself that I’d indulge in champagne with them just that day to build rapport, make sure I got the contract etc and then immediately switch back to teetotal. But that never happened. I clearly can’t just have a couple of drinks without then feeling compelled to slide back into the wine binges.

Anyone here have a similar drinking pattern? Do you drink to numb emotional pain rather than just for pleasure?

@Savourysenorita

Ps I'm so sorry about your traumas you've suffered. I'm going to be cruel to be kind here.... When we drink we nerd to find an excuse. I know I did (and they were all true) but those experiences don't mean you drink or else everybody would be drinking unhealthily. It's become an excuse to continue the drink habit. I'm my opinion 3 bottles of wine a week is a lot. I was a problem drinker and drank far less than that. If you get some help to stop (local support don't just look at drinking they look at the psychology behind addictive patterns and mental processes behind it) read Annie grace 'this naked mind' it changed my life. Also if you still feel the trauma is at the forefront of your mind after some sober time you'll be in a better frame of mind to mentally sort through it with therapy. I suspect it may not be such a consuming thought once you're sober. You'll have a new outlook. Please be mindful some people will tell you you're not drinking that much on here because they're reflecting on their own drinking and want reassurance. It's very common. There's a better life out there for you that doesn't involve sitting alone drinking on your own. Trust me. Buy that book (it's on amazon) ice and a slice ( can't remember author) is a novel but a very good read about the life of a very normal woman with a very normal life that develops a drink problem. I highly recommend it

Nope, not an excuse.

www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/download/1/Library/Documents/Newcomers%20starter%20pack%20PDFs/Who%20Me.pdf

There are questions on there to help you diagnose yourself.

@blanc00

This could be the post of somebody I know, who eventually concluded they were an alcoholic, and went cold turkey. If you think you have a problem, you have a problem.

The trouble in Britain is that heavy drinking is normalised, and so goes the train of thought ‘well so and so drinks x amount so I must be ok.” Normalising the situation is a common part of alcohol abuse.

At the end of the day, anyone who uses alcohol to cope, or unwind after a hard day, does have an alcohol problem. People shouldn’t need that to feel ok - healthy coping mechanisms are what are needed.

I hope you get the help you need. You are so strong admitting to yourself that you may have a problem. There are plenty of resources out there online to help, and YouTube etc. Well done x

Good post

@Savourysenorita

Ps interesting point about you'd 'latch on to something else' it's the typical psychology of someone with a drink problem - ( not meant offensively) if you get support you'll learn all this. Annie grace book I recommended is a really good place to start. Sorry if I misread your drinking amounts before. How much you drink isn't actually that relevant. It's what it does to you.

I don't think my point about latching onto something else if I gave up alcohol is necessarily interesting, it's just the blunt truth.

With due respect I'm not sure you have much understanding of complex developmental trauma and its effect. That's OK, not everyone does.

Someone very close to me is an alcoholic. She is absolutely convinced that she can't stop drinking because of trauma that happened to her in her past. It IS an excuse to carry on drinking. Al Anon told me that.

That doesn't mean what happened to her wasn't terrible or traumatic.

@Abouttimemum

DH drinks 2 bottles of wine per week, on two nights. So a whole bottle of wine to himself on 2 nights per week.

He used to drink significantly more than that. He also did it to numb childhood trauma and anxiety / feelings he didn’t know how to deal with. He went for hypnotherapy to help get to the root of his issues and understand the things that happened to him we’re not his fault.

He’s done remarkably well in life considering his horrific background. He now drinks his two bottles because he actually wants to and enjoys it so I see this as progress. I don’t nag him, but I do tell him that personally I still see this as too much.

I don’t drink at all in the house and would only drink one or two occasionally socially but we are surrounded by people who drink every day, celebrate drinking as a good thing, and who would see 2 bottles as a drop on the ocean, so I am the anomaly. Two bottles of wine is a drop on the ocean for them!

I'm really glad your husband was able to significantly reduce the amount he drinks. Do you think eventually he will stop drinking an entire bottle of wine in one evening?

It isn't about how much you drink, it's about the compulsion to drink.

You don't want to drink but you feel you have to.

To me that's alcoholism, it's how I felt, and when I talked to my GP, she suggested AA. I went, I stopped and have stayed stopped for 3 and a half years.

@MrsMiaWallis

Someone very close to me is an alcoholic. She is absolutely convinced that she can't stop drinking because of trauma that happened to her in her past. It IS an excuse to carry on drinking. Al Anon told me that.

That doesn't mean what happened to her wasn't terrible or traumatic.

No, it's NOT an excuse. I hope you're treating your friend with compassion.

@MostIneptThatEverStepped

It isn't about how much you drink, it's about the compulsion to drink.

You don't want to drink but you feel you have to.

To me that's alcoholism, it's how I felt, and when I talked to my GP, she suggested AA. I went, I stopped and have stayed stopped for 3 and a half years.

Well done!! I agree, it's more about the compulsion and the feelings of self-disgust after drinking

You've picked out what you want from my supportive thread and been offensive back. You have no idea what I know about abuse and trauma. I'm not even going there. Goodbye

@AurorasGingerbreadHouse

https://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/download/1/Library/Documents/Newcomers%20starter%20pack%20PDFs/Who%20Me.pdf

There are questions on there to help you diagnose yourself.

Thank you very much.

Well, I go to Al Anon because of her and although I'm very compassionate I am also very aware of the things people will do to normalise or excuse their drinking.

@Savourysenorita

You've picked out what you want from my supportive thread and been offensive back. You have no idea what I know about abuse and trauma. I'm not even going there. Goodbye

The OPs response was very typical of a challenged alcoholic. I thought what you said was very wise.

Have you heard of The Alcohol Experiment? It’s a free 30 day experiment, with community support, videos, experts and homework type stuff. It sounds a bit naff but it’s actually really really good, it’s by the woman who wrote This Naked Mind called Annie Grave who was an alcoholic herself. I did it and have been alcohol free for months now, I still use the community though, I’m training my mind off alcohol and it’s working well. Good luck.

Thank you @MrsMiaWallis I appreciate you saying that. When I was in my drinking days I'd have gotten extremely defensive and angry if someone had of accused me of making excuses for my drinking. I still had traumatic things happen (like most of the population of the world) but not everybody was drinking because of it. The past experiences were not my fault. But ultimately the drinking was my fault. Or my problem to sort out to put it a better way. Hopefully someone will read this thread and I hope maybe take my book recommendations. Might be useful to somebody fingers crossed

@MrsMiaWallis

Well, I go to Al Anon because of her and although I'm very compassionate I am also very aware of the things people will do to normalise or excuse their drinking.

Not a darn thing in my thread is attempting to normalise or excuse my drinking. I've expressed that I hate drinking, have asked numerous times for professional help to quit and that while others have said I'm not an alcoholic I firmly believe that I am. It would actually be quite easy to have simply pretended I don't even have an alcohol problem.

I don't have "excuses" for drinking. I have a solid "reason" why I have struggled over the years to cope with unresolved trauma and resorted to self-medicating.

I doubt it was your intention but your comments are rather condescending.

The OPs response was very typical of a challenged alcoholic. I thought what you said was very wise.

FFS. As much as I love Mumsnet occasionally the comments really do miss the point.

@Chutneymaura

Have you heard of The Alcohol Experiment? It’s a free 30 day experiment, with community support, videos, experts and homework type stuff. It sounds a bit naff but it’s actually really really good, it’s by the woman who wrote This Naked Mind called Annie Grave who was an alcoholic herself. I did it and have been alcohol free for months now, I still use the community though, I’m training my mind off alcohol and it’s working well. Good luck.

Oh wow. Never heard of it but will check it out immediately. THANK YOU.

@PatriciaPerch

I don't think it matters how much tbh I think if you think it will get progressively worse and you need to cut wine out completely but need some counselling surrounding that then ring the alcohol liaison service in your area or pay for some specific counselling yourself if you can afford to

It won't get worse. As I've already said it's been at the same amount for 10 years -- never increasing. I don't want to drink AT ALL. Anything. Ever.

Oh I see. You're a 'special' kind of alcoholic. Ah yes I see. You're educated and different to the rest of the alkies. I won't bother to say what I do for a living. I think you might change your mind on who's being condescending. Ps I thought I was one of the 'special' ones too. Christ I'm so glad I'm sober 🙈

I don't have "excuses" for drinking. I have a solid "reason" why I have struggled over the years to cope with unresolved trauma and resorted to self-medicating

Another book recommendation based on what you are raising above is Bessel van der Kolk - The body keeps the score. He deals extensively with the reasons that unresolved trauma leads to people in your situation OP (and mine) turning to substances/food in an attempt to calm an overly active parasympathetic nervous system. He also offers a number of suggestions to help to deal with the trauma in other healthier ways.

Once upon a time I thought I was one of the 'special' ones. Not now. I'm just a normal sober person doing normal things. The anger went too.... Just saying.

Try "the alcohol experiment" by Annie Grace. Really good for changing your habits around alcohol while being really kind to yourself.

Same recommendation I made of you cared to read the whole of my post