To think knocking back 3 bottles of wine per week represents alcohol abuse & an alcohol problem?

[Trying2Heal]

I honestly believe I have been abusing alcohol for 10 years or so. I don’t really find drinking fun or pleasurable, it feels more like taking medicine to relieve pain or something. I drink just enough to numb out feelings that I can’t cope with (from childhood trauma + an abusive relationship). Even while in therapy I continued drinking -- in fact I felt an even stronger urge to drink after any therapy session that involved discussing traumatic memories...

During the past 10 years I’ve consistently downed one bottle of wine 3 nights a week every week by myself. Sometimes I might do 2 bottles a week instead of 3. On an extremely bad week I’d do 4. I’ve reached out to my GP for help with quitting alcohol but he said the amount I am drinking is that not that extreme and is not escalating. I have been in therapy and the therapist said she didn’t consider me an alcoholic.

But how can drinking an entire bottle of wine by yourself and getting no pleasure from it yet feeling compelled to keep doing it NOT represent an alcohol problem?

During the past 10 years I’ve quit about 5 times — at one point I quit for 18 months and felt amazing. But each time I end up going back. After the 18 month teetotal stint I was up for an amazing lucrative new work contract and the CEOs had a thing for champagne. I told myself that I’d indulge in champagne with them just that day to build rapport, make sure I got the contract etc and then immediately switch back to teetotal. But that never happened. I clearly can’t just have a couple of drinks without then feeling compelled to slide back into the wine binges.

Anyone here have a similar drinking pattern? Do you drink to numb emotional pain rather than just for pleasure?

@TizzDeSeason

Three things strike me about your drinking.

1. You drink to numb difficult emotions
2. You can’t just have one drink once you start drinking
3. You aren’t happy with the way you drink

I’m an (sober) alcoholic. Nobody can tell you whether you’re an alcoholic or not, but this sounds like an unhealthy relationship with alcohol and in my experience, this kind of drinking very, very often eventually gets worse. The three bottles a week creeps up to 4 bottles then 5. Or the bottle in one sitting creeps up to two. Or the consequences of your drinking on your health or relationships suddenly kicks in.

You’ve very sensibly identified you could do with some help to sort this out. There is lots of sober literature, apps etc you can use these days, and depending on your local area’s provision, you might find drug and alcohol services good. They weren’t in my area, as they were over stretched. I got sober in AA, but I had decided I wanted to stop drinking completely. You don’t say if you do or not?

I was a 2-3 bottles of wine drinker for years, btw. Maybe a decade or more. But over a 2-3 year period I lost control of my drinking and it was extremely frightening. It crept up without me realising until it was suddenly so awful I had no choice but to confront it. It’s brilliant that you’re addressing it at an earlier stage .

I totally, totally want to stop drinking. I don't want to drink less, I want to drink nothing at all. Given that drinking is not even enjoyable, why do it at all, right? I actually enjoy the taste of water, so I can drink that instead.

Well AA is an option. It doesn’t get much love on MN, but it’s been life changing for me. Nobody gives a shit how much you drank or how often you drank or how much of a ‘functioning’ / complete fuck up of a drinker you were. The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking.

Sorry to keep posting on your thread. But I too was an educated senior professional (still am) although I'm from a working class background so I can't quite claim middle class but I too felt these same frustrations. My drinking actually REDUCED over the years. It improved! Well.... The frequency reduced but the intensity didn't. So I didn't fit the typical pattern so spoken of either. All I can say is getting permenantly sober is the best thing I've ever done for my life. Just try the Annie grace book. It looks at it from an intelligent scientific but kind and empowering perspective.

Try SMART recovery.14 units per week is recommended limit and it is infact very very little.

@ThirstyGhost

In your shoes I would pursue counselling/therapy for your trauma as I think you said you have been. There isn't a physical addiction here thankfully at those levels so it's about dealing with everything underneath, and also about trying to introduce healthier coping mechanisms to deal with moods and feelings. Not as simple as it sounds when you've been engaging in bad habits/negative ones for so long I know. But totally possible to turn this around for yourself. I understand that there are some "sober bus" boards on MN that are meant to be really good - for people trying to give up or cut down. I haven't used them, but I've heard others refer to them.

For context, I'm a recovering alcoholic. Things got extremely bad for me and at my worst I was day drinking bottles of vodka and nearly lost everything. I was also hospitalised due to my drinking. But 20 years before that I could have written your post. I would have been drinking roughly what you were and was already aware that I had a problem. One of the most difficult things I've found to deal with along the way is that I have a lot of self-awareness (my counsellor comments on this a lot and I've always known exactly what I am) but it matters f**k all because knowing I was an alcoholic didn't stop me drinking for decades. That side of it is extremely hard to unpick - you know you've got this problem, and you know what you should do, but you continue not to do it. I've been sober for 6 years now anyway. You're right to try and knock this on the head now as there is a happier way to live.

Thank you, this is useful. Well done for being sober for 6 years. When you say there isn't a physical addiction at play here yet, can you tell me a little more about that? Do you mean that if the addiction I have was physical I'd need to drink a bit more regularly?

The last time I gave up for a substantial-ish amount of time was around February of this year. Gave up for about 8 months. Looking back I realise I didn't even really crave alcohol (just went cold turkey) and felt so much better about myself, actually liked myself. I found it way easier than when I periodically give up coffee for a bit (and I'm only a 1 cup a day coffee drinker). I had to move home at quite short notice in October and that is when I took up drinking again. So disappointed in myself!!!

The longest stint of teetoalism I've done to date is about 2.5 years.

Returning to booze always feels like going back to some scummy, abusive ex boyfriend you already know is toxic and will harm you.

I want to be done with this crap forever. Walking out of Waitrose or Sainsbury knowing there's a bottle of wine in my bag of groceries makes me feel like such a loser and scumbag

My sister has a problem with alcohol and its because she uses it to numb her pain and overthinking about it from the past. I think once she gets those issues resolved she wont need to drink to numb her feelings....hopefully as she says she drinks to forget. She does drink more than you.

I recommend reading the book alcohol lied to me. It's really good.

@randomer

Try SMART recovery.14 units per week is recommended limit and it is infact very very little.

I'd never heard of it. On their website now!!! Thanks

I was drinking a similar amount and told my GP, he said it was far too much. He said because of the emotional distress I was having I would be better on medication for anxiety and depression. It has helped me a lot, alongside therapy. Also I read a leaflet on breast cancer recently and it said the safe amount to avoid breast cancer is less than 5 units a week

Thank you so much for the suggestions everyone!!
I feel really motivated.

Posting in public that I am (or least believe myself to be) an alcoholic was a big step for me.

It's a relief that I've not yet buggered up my health or my finances or career or relationships. So although in my view 10 years of drinking is a horrible waste of a life, in a sense I'm now about to nip this in the bud before it ruins my entire life.

I'm going to make a list right now of things I can do instead any time I feel a compulsion to scuttle to the supermarket and buy wine.

My bf is away a lot and he also thinks that drinking a bottle of wine in one sitting is perfectly fine and normal. My closest friends and family also would think nothing of knocking back 1 entire bottle or even 2 probably. I want to expand my horizons of what is normal. In fact I already know in my heart that my drinking is not normal.

@Scbchl

My sister has a problem with alcohol and its because she uses it to numb her pain and overthinking about it from the past. I think once she gets those issues resolved she wont need to drink to numb her feelings....hopefully as she says she drinks to forget. She does drink more than you.

I recommend reading the book alcohol lied to me. It's really good.

Drinking to forget.....oh how I relate to that....

God its terrifying really, 5?

@Savourysenorita

Sorry to keep posting on your thread. But I too was an educated senior professional (still am) although I'm from a working class background so I can't quite claim middle class but I too felt these same frustrations. My drinking actually REDUCED over the years. It improved! Well.... The frequency reduced but the intensity didn't. So I didn't fit the typical pattern so spoken of either. All I can say is getting permenantly sober is the best thing I've ever done for my life. Just try the Annie grace book. It looks at it from an intelligent scientific but kind and empowering perspective.

Definitely ready to stop and not just reduce intake. It is time!!!!

Isn't it strange how we a Northern Outpost have been seduced by the "glass of wine" rhetoric?

I would say that because you state you’re using alcohol as a medication, that indicates an alcohol dependency, which obviously is a problem. It sounds like you having gone teetotal before maybe your body isn’t addicted to the alcohol, which is sometimes harder as it’s a psychological as opposed to a physical addiction.
As PP mentioned, local addiction services are amazing and much more specialised than your GP would be.
Just as a side, have you reached out to AA? They could offer extra support.

Also, I’m sorry for your traumatic past and this is how you’re coping atm Relapse is part of recovery, and you are stronger than you know

My friend hated AA. Smart Recovery looks good.

I have to say OP that one of the reasons my friend hasn't managed to give up drinking is because she says noone understands her past trauma. She hated AA because they don't much care why you drink, just try and help you quit completely.

Really good luck and i wish you all the best

@MrsMiaWallis

My friend hated AA. Smart Recovery looks good.

I have to say OP that one of the reasons my friend hasn't managed to give up drinking is because she says noone understands her past trauma. She hated AA because they don't much care why you drink, just try and help you quit completely.

Really good luck and i wish you all the best

I hated many aspects of aa. But it did help me in the early days. Its a 'safe' place offering hope and warmth (especially to newcomers) I loved just sitting there by the candlelight listening to the 'shares' and relating to them so much. The anonymity bit is so advantageous too. Nobody is judging. I just couldn't get on with the higher power thing. My loss in that sense because I do miss the group! I was too pig headed and stubborn for aa to work for me in the long run. I just can't be told what to do unquestioningly. But as I say in one sense it is my loss as its good to have a network.

I’m 11 months sober the 26th of this month, it’s been a massive part of my life since I was 14 & I’m 40 next year. It caused me so much shit in my life & until I faced facts and admitted to myself I was an alcoholic I was never going to get it out of my life. I crave it everyday but I can’t have one so I have none. I read lots of books & also have the I am sober app xx

@JinxandBinx

I would say that because you state you’re using alcohol as a medication, that indicates an alcohol dependency, which obviously is a problem. It sounds like you having gone teetotal before maybe your body isn’t addicted to the alcohol, which is sometimes harder as it’s a psychological as opposed to a physical addiction. As PP mentioned, local addiction services are amazing and much more specialised than your GP would be. Just as a side, have you reached out to AA? They could offer extra support.

Also, I’m sorry for your traumatic past and this is how you’re coping atm Relapse is part of recovery, and you are stronger than you know

Thank you. I've browsed AA sites but never actually reached out. I've heard scary stories about predatory men using it as a way to meet women. But I guess everything would be online now anyway given the pandemic.

@Bence69

I’m 11 months sober the 26th of this month, it’s been a massive part of my life since I was 14 & I’m 40 next year. It caused me so much shit in my life & until I faced facts and admitted to myself I was an alcoholic I was never going to get it out of my life. I crave it everyday but I can’t have one so I have none. I read lots of books & also have the I am sober app xx

Congrats!!!!

I just couldn't get on with the higher power thing

so do they push religion or God onto you?

@Nat6999

Alcohol services won't be interested, it is hard enough getting them to accept someone who is totally dependent on alcohol in to the service due to cuts in funding, people who are dying from alcoholic liver disease may have to wait months for an appointment, by the time they get one it is too late.

The drug and alcohol service I worked with for many years would certainly accept a referral.

AA has more God language because it has Christian foundations. There's no forcing religion on you though. In NA they talk about your higher powder so that could be nature, love etc. Just to get you in the headspace of not submitting to the ego, which it seems to me you've already got sorted!

NA is open to those who struggle with any substance so don't feel like you have to limit yourself to AA if it doesn't feel right for you.

Meetings are taking place on zoom atm across the fellowships- but a quick google can find you the links, there's a huge amount of meetings happening really amazing. Plus there's women's only/ parents/ minority group meets if that appeals to you x

I worked alongside SMART recovery at the end of my time in the service. I've met some of the kindest and most genuine people I know there.

AA is definitely a good call. You might find a group you love. I tried AA but my circumstances meant I didn't get to meetings. I tried alcohol services. I didn't find that effective.
What finally worked for me was the book Alcohol Lied to Me by Craig Beck. I listened to it on audible 20 months ago and haven't drunk since. I was drinking more than you too. I don't identify as an alcoholic. I identify as a former problem drinker or to new people a non-drinker. Whatever suits you.
I get my support from the Facebook group The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober (inspired by not affiliated with the wonderful Catherine Gray book) and now try to help others along the way! If you use Facebook come and join us!

I have drunk 3 bottles of alcohol a week for more years than I care to remember. Since March it crept up to 4 bottles, the occasional beer or gin. I started to feel really unhappy about the level of consumption. My DH is a big drinker, from a big drinking family, and I drink because he does. I am an adult, I make my own decisions but because he does, I join him. Not blaming him, although if I say to him I am going to cut down, he looks unhappy, because his drinking buddy is not drinking.

4 weeks ago I was drinking a glass of wine and I just was not enjoying it, I was just drinking it because it was there. I poured it away and downloaded on Kindle Alcohol Lied to Me which somebody else has just recommended on here. I am not sure how this guy does it, but almost immediately he hooked me in, and made me want to stop drinking. I have not wanted an alcohol since reading it. It is weird. I know it's early days but it's like a switch has been flicked and the urge just isn't there.

Sleep is bloody fantastic, my bank balance is better, and that feeling of disquiet I have been feeling for the last few years has gone. My DH is drinking a lot less too.