Was this mean of me?

[CrotchBurn]

Okay, so I have a friend who is a single mother to two boys. Her job doesn't pay very well at all, and so when we go out, I'll often just pick up the tab, maybe 5 times out of 10. Then maybe 4 times out of 10 we'll go halves, and once every 10 times she'll pick up the tab. I'm fairly comfortable but not loaded. Over the years it has slightly grated on me that she often wont make any move whatsoever to reach for her wallet. She also does stuff like pinch my smokes but in such a nice way I camt say anything. She can also do some stuff that i frankly find weird, such as the time people sent her cheques for her sons communion, she didnt cash them, then two years decided to cash them and called everyone to ask them to write new ones 😂👀👀👀

So anyway, she helped me move house, and we went for lunch that day (I paid). I also bought her a bouquet from a proper florist (not garage flowers) to say thank you.

So a few days later she was in town for something, and I said why dont we go out for a bite to eat once you're done (note the phrasing), it's on me.

She comes around later and in the meantime I had had some fuck up with my flat and was quite frazzled. I quickly got my phone out and googled for something nearby (I didnt know the area yet). I found an italian and thought great, pizza would be just the thing.

We get to the restaurant, step inside and are instantly whisked away to table, all while I'm clocking the place and thinking "oh fuck". This wasnt the mom and pop pizza and pasta joint I had expected at all, it was a proper posh italian restaurants with white tablecloths and osso bucco, convoluted risotto etc.

We sit down and I immediately say to her "fuck, this is much higher end than I expected. I'm massively underdressed" (I was wearing clothes I'd been cleaning the flat in).

The waiter comes over and she proceeds to fucking go wild! She orders an Aperol spritz as an aperitif (okay...) then when he comes back, she proceeds to order a starter and has already aired thoughts on dessert after the main, too. The final straw for me came when the waiter said what would you like to drink with your main?

She orders a bottle of prosecco!!! I'm not even going to get into how wrong it is (IMO) to have prosecco with your food (isnt that a kind of aperitif wine? Anyway, off topic). At this stage I'm quite pissed off, mainly because she wouldnt be ordering any of this if it was her paying. I'm frustrated with the flat, frustrated with me not having checked the restaurant properly beforehand and also frustrated with her.

So I said: "Look this is way higher end than I expected, and it's also way more than I thought you would order, so we're going to have to go halves this time". Because I was angry I said it in quite a cold way.

She looked fucking crushed, so hurt. I felt terrible. At the end of the meal, I just paid for it all. I felt so bad. I felt I had really been mean and ruined the evening. Even though I ended up paying for it anyway, I still feel bad like I didnt have a generous attitude.

So what do you think?
And by the way, for the covid detectives on the early shift: this happened between lockdowns.

I voted YANBU as it sounds like usually you’re gracious with your kindness to her.

I’m not sure it’s sustainable though. I think you’re starting to resent it, and it sounds like she’s starting to take advantage.

This is weirdly written.

She is an absolute p*ss taker!!!

I have been there myself when I've gone into a restaurant for a quick bite and it's been higher end than expected and she would have noticed that too. Any decent friend would have helped you come up with an excuse to leave, suggested sharing some small plates to keep the price down or offered to pay half AND pay for her bottle of Prosecco which no doubt would have had a HUGE mark up! %%%%

Cheeky mare! What did she say when you covered the bill?

Yeah she’s taking advantage but you have rather set this tone of treats. She probably assumes you’re more comfortably off than you are. Anyone with an ounce of emotional intelligence would have realised when you walk into the restaurant that this was not a standard pizza place. I certainly would have just ordered a main course and a beer or offered some money if I had it. So YANBU. You are being unreasonable about cheques because who in gods name still sends them... I always forgot to pay them in but in my case my lovely DF would never give me another one.

@HelloBrownEyez
I agree but at the same time though, part of me thinks sure, but when somebody has been used to you paying you cant then rip the rug out from under their feet and surprise them with a bill they cant afford (which is why I paid in the end).

She just said "oh no, CrotchBurn, you shouldnt have, it was so expensive, you should have let us go halves". But I knew that her going halves would have a bigger financial impact than me paying for the whole thing.

@LuckyNumberThirteen
Get over yourself?

@Divebar

Yeah, I agree with you. It's true that had she just gone for a main and suggested we order a bottle of (the cheapest possible 😂) red this wouldnt have been an issue.

I think she was cheeky, and I also think i was mean. Both can be true, weirdly

I can see why you snapped. She’s taken advantage of your generosity for too long. Time to make it stop and just pay for yourself from now on.

I’ve dealt with people like this in the past by always having the right cash on me and just putting down my share.

It seems like you've created an expectation that you'll pay for the majority of the meals so she's used to it. She probably thought you were treating her for some reason by going there. As you offered to pay in advance, I don't think you should then say oh, it's more expensive than I thought so I'm not paying now.

Maybe you need to step back a bit and redraw some boundaries if you feel she takes advantage

I think she probably thought that as she helped you move, this was a treat.
As soon as you saw it was a more expensive restaurant, you should’ve said straight away that it was main course only or whatever. No point dropping vague hints about being underdressed.

And going forward, don’t offer to pay for meals etc if you’re always going to be keeping a tally.

I think in this instance you were very unreasonable. She helped you and and you offered to thank her by taking her for a meal. You know she is short of money. You chose the expensive restaurant. What did you expect her to pay with at that point?

If i was her, being offered a meal for helping someone, that person choosing an expensive place i wouldnt be able to afford, and then saying id have to pay after all, that would have really stressed me out.

Going forward, you need to make the standard that you each pay for yourselves. You'll probably see her less, as she clearly can’t afford to go out for food as much as you.

@Jenifirtree @CatFaceCats OP already treated her friend to lunch on the day she helped her move

She’s taking you for a ride. Any friends wouldn’t expect someone else to pay, I don’t think you were mean at all, I think you are weak to let this continue. She is an adult, her financial situation has nothing to do with you. If she wants to eat out, she needs to pay!

I also think it’s both, you’ve a mouth in your head, you’d proactively offered to pay for the meal in advance, and you chose the venue too. It was even your idea to go out. You should have said you wished her to limit what she said because you couldn’t afford it. It’s very easy to say god this is more expensive than I thought, can we just have mains and something cheap to drink.

On the other hand it was Cheeky for her to order so much without checking with you,

[quote CrotchBurn]@HelloBrownEyez
I agree but at the same time though, part of me thinks sure, but when somebody has been used to you paying you cant then rip the rug out from under their feet and surprise them with a bill they cant afford (which is why I paid in the end).

She just said "oh no, CrotchBurn, you shouldnt have, it was so expensive, you should have let us go halves". But I knew that her going halves would have a bigger financial impact than me paying for the whole thing.[/quote]
This. You know this. She couldnt have paid.

Make changes from this point. No point blaming her for the pizza place.

“So a few days later she was in town for something, and I said why dont we go out for a bite to eat once you're done (note the phrasing), it's on me”

OP asked her to lunch and said it was on her.

The fact you generally pick up the tab means there id some sort of an unspoken agreement that you know she is poorer than you so you will be more generous or since you want to eat out more then you will pick up the tab more.

When she helped you move, i dont think you did anything over the top with flowers and a meal. Cost of help to move is very high.

You should have:

1. Checked the menu for prices
2. Made it clear when you sat down and saw the menu that it's so expensive would she go halves? Your comment was about how you were dressed not the cost.
3. Stop doing stuff that makes you bitter. This friend can't/won't spend like you do so adjust your behaviour by alwyas going halves or accepting paying or stopping going to places like that. Meet her for a walk and coffee or at yours or hers.

You were very unreasonable to spring going halves on her.

Yes, she overestimates your income, and now habitually expects you to pay. In her defence, on this occasion, you told her in advance it was on you, only remarked you were under-dressed for somewhere high-end at the beginning, and then only said you couldn’t afford it after she’d ordered — did she just not realise that you’d meant splitting a pizza and a half bottle of house plonk at a Bella Pasta?

I can see why you got irritated. You did offer to buy lunch and you chose the restaurant but still, ordering expensive things on the menu in the knowledge that they're not going to have to foot the bill is really cheeky and grabby. I think you need to put a stop to this dynamic and see what's left of your friendship...

Yabu you said I’ll treat you. You never looked at the menu online so didn’t know prices. I think if you realised it was to expensive you should of said it’s too expensive let’s go some where else.

Is this U.K. or USA as I am guessing etiquette may be different in the USA. But @LuckyNumberThirteen it’s correct it’s strangely written as you can’t pick up where you are from with a mix of Language from America and the U.K.

If you like her and want to continue the friendship tell her when arranging to meet that you’ll be each paying for yourselves.

It’s clearly building up resentment for you, can understand. But make it very clear from now on you’re only paying for yourself. Then she can agree to come or not or suggest alternatives.

It’s rude to be ordering lots of courses and bottles of wine when you’re not paying anyway.

“So a few days later she was in town for something, and I said why dont we go out for a bite to eat once you're done (note the phrasing), it's on me”

You did offer! I agree she’s also taking advantage though. It’s becoming too much of a habit, so you need to make changes going forward.

Yabu, sorry. You offered to buy her dinner and you chose the restaurant.I totally get the guff up and how your heart sank when you arrived at the place though.

I think you need to stop offering to pay for meals. Maybe consider inviting her round for a home cooked meal?

I’m mixed on this - she does sound to be taking advantage but you can’t offer to pay and choose the restaurant (she didn’t know until too late that it wasn’t what you expected) and then mid way switch to say ‘we need to go halves’.
Her look of ‘crushed and upset’ may well have been proper panic at totally unexpected expense suddenly landed on her.
For sure you need now to be clear and consistent about who pays for what - more coffees out and fewer more expensive things I’d guess. If she’s a good friend then it’s worth sorting this one issue out and not letting your feelings of being taken advantage fester or increase.
As for Prosecco with a meal being inappropriate - loathe Prosecco anyway - so sweet and sickly to my taste. Better a light dry cava or champagne. However nothing ‘wrong’ with drinking it during a meal in my view.