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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Was this mean of me?

233 replies

CrotchBurn · 10/12/2020 06:08

Okay, so I have a friend who is a single mother to two boys. Her job doesn't pay very well at all, and so when we go out, I'll often just pick up the tab, maybe 5 times out of 10. Then maybe 4 times out of 10 we'll go halves, and once every 10 times she'll pick up the tab. I'm fairly comfortable but not loaded. Over the years it has slightly grated on me that she often wont make any move whatsoever to reach for her wallet. She also does stuff like pinch my smokes but in such a nice way I camt say anything. She can also do some stuff that i frankly find weird, such as the time people sent her cheques for her sons communion, she didnt cash them, then two years decided to cash them and called everyone to ask them to write new ones 😂👀👀👀

So anyway, she helped me move house, and we went for lunch that day (I paid). I also bought her a bouquet from a proper florist (not garage flowers) to say thank you.

So a few days later she was in town for something, and I said why dont we go out for a bite to eat once you're done (note the phrasing), it's on me.

She comes around later and in the meantime I had had some fuck up with my flat and was quite frazzled. I quickly got my phone out and googled for something nearby (I didnt know the area yet). I found an italian and thought great, pizza would be just the thing.

We get to the restaurant, step inside and are instantly whisked away to table, all while I'm clocking the place and thinking "oh fuck". This wasnt the mom and pop pizza and pasta joint I had expected at all, it was a proper posh italian restaurants with white tablecloths and osso bucco, convoluted risotto etc.

We sit down and I immediately say to her "fuck, this is much higher end than I expected. I'm massively underdressed" (I was wearing clothes I'd been cleaning the flat in).

The waiter comes over and she proceeds to fucking go wild! She orders an Aperol spritz as an aperitif (okay...) then when he comes back, she proceeds to order a starter and has already aired thoughts on dessert after the main, too. The final straw for me came when the waiter said what would you like to drink with your main?

She orders a bottle of prosecco!!! I'm not even going to get into how wrong it is (IMO) to have prosecco with your food (isnt that a kind of aperitif wine? Anyway, off topic). At this stage I'm quite pissed off, mainly because she wouldnt be ordering any of this if it was her paying. I'm frustrated with the flat, frustrated with me not having checked the restaurant properly beforehand and also frustrated with her.

So I said: "Look this is way higher end than I expected, and it's also way more than I thought you would order, so we're going to have to go halves this time". Because I was angry I said it in quite a cold way.

She looked fucking crushed, so hurt. I felt terrible. At the end of the meal, I just paid for it all. I felt so bad. I felt I had really been mean and ruined the evening. Even though I ended up paying for it anyway, I still feel bad like I didnt have a generous attitude.

So what do you think?
And by the way, for the covid detectives on the early shift: this happened between lockdowns.

OP posts:

Original poster

CrotchBurn · 10/12/2020 07:28

@KnitsAndGiggles
You would stop spending time with me? Are you serious? You would stop spending time with a friend who normally pays for you without flinching, but gets a little pissed off when you go all out and needlessly splurge when you've been told you wont be picking up the tab? That's.. insane.

OP posts:

custardbear · 10/12/2020 07:29

She's become blasé and expectant IMO - I have a friend who is in a similar situation, if we honour I'll invite her and say I'm laying, she'll always wait fir my lead to have different courses and she'll buy drinks first snd her share of rounds too - never takes the lead and orders expensive stuff

Saltn · 10/12/2020 07:29

I think you have created a weird dynamic in your friendship by paying for meals so much. I think you need to reset it so from now on you only go halves. If that means coffee only or cheaper places then so be it.

HelloBrownEyez · 10/12/2020 07:30

If your friend is in financial hardship then of all people she should be aware that going out for a casual lunch and ordering a bottle of Prosecco and other expensive items is not the done thing. She's a grabby cow! If she didn't have much money and was under the expectation you'd be paying she could have ordered something less extravagant.

Cut her off OP and stop paying for meals as others have said, see what's left of your friendship now.

HugeAckmansWife · 10/12/2020 07:31

My partner likes to pay when we go for dinner. I don't always let him but he generally does. If we go somewhere unfamiliar and it turns out to be more spendy than we though I'll always say, let's just have a beer each or share a starter or insist we split it. She could have checked with you before diving in but equally you should have jumped in and said, sorry, this is a bit fancier than I'd realised, do you mind if we just do mains, or skip the wine or something.

flaviaritt · 10/12/2020 07:31

You would stop spending time with a friend who normally pays for you without flinching, but gets a little pissed off when you go all out and needlessly splurge when you've been told you wont be picking up the tab? That's.. insane.

Another vote for stop spending time with you. If my friend, knowing I couldn’t afford it, invited me out, chose a fancy restaurant, offered to pay, let me order and eat, then sprung ‘go halves’ on me, I’d assume she was going out of her way to embarrass me. The menus are online. It was your responsibility to check you could afford what you had promised.

N0tthe0nlyfruit · 10/12/2020 07:32

YABU. She helped you, you offered a treat, then got angry because you didn't do the homework on price range. She acted the CF in what she ordered BUT being financially humiliated like that must have been crushing. If I was her, I'd cut contact.

Saltn · 10/12/2020 07:33

And for what its worth, yes I think she was cheeky to order so much at her friends expense as it would have been clear to her that it was ££. She sounds like a taker given how many times she lets you pay without making any move for her wallet. But equally, you have created this dynamic as much as she hasso presumably get something out of it. My friend was a student and single parent for a few years and I paid for a few extra meals in that time. It did make things a bit weird at times as I became expected so I stopped it.

Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 10/12/2020 07:34

Make 2021 the year you scale back your generosity.. Remember how she took advantage... Which imo she just did...
I had a friend who pleaded being skint. I always paid. Not proper meals out but canny cafes maybe 3 x a week. Usually handed over change for car parks also.
One day she turned up on a Mercedes convertible and I knew I had been seriously had.... Backed away from the friendship until we have been nc for 5 years now...

MerchantOfVenom · 10/12/2020 07:34

I’d be bloody relieved to end the friendship, given how very grabby you clearly are.

stackemhigh · 10/12/2020 07:35

I would switch to vaping when with her so she stops nicking your cigarettes!

Original poster

CrotchBurn · 10/12/2020 07:36

Well, it seems like people replying have quite a broad range of views, from outrage at me to outrage at her. I guess that means it isn't actually all that clear cut, which is probably why its hasnt sat right with me.

I agree that over time a weird dynamic has taken root, once covid is over I'll try and correct that a little. I could also make more effort to go to her house/have her over instead of us going out.

OP posts:

flaviaritt · 10/12/2020 07:37

I’d be bloody relieved to end the friendship, given how very grabby you clearly are.

I am not remotely grabby. I’m a ‘cheapest item on the menu’ girl when someone else is paying. That isn’t the point. The point is that the OP knew her friend didn’t have the money, made all the relevant choices (asked her to lunch, chose the restaurant, said she would pay). I accept the friend breached sensible etiquette. What the OP then did because she was angry was far worse and no well-mannered person would ever do that rather than fess up at the start of the meal that it would have to be mains and a glass of wine because the place was expensive. It’s basic.

Bitcherama · 10/12/2020 07:37

You should never have announced you should go halves, as people have said, but her supermarket sweep approach to your offer was an embarrassment. When someone takes you for lunch, you don't order yourself bottles of wine without asking! I think she showed an attitude here that would put me right off her.

XmasHollie · 10/12/2020 07:38

Shes a cheeky cow. I'm a single parent and no one pays my way nor do I expect them to

NoSauce · 10/12/2020 07:38

This is weirdly written

Yep.

dontdisturbmenow · 10/12/2020 07:38

You should have said from the start that it was higher end than you thought AND therefore would she mind not ordering alcohol and only a 2 courses as you are paying.

Letting her go with it and then saying she's need to pay half was not nice, and needless since you paid after all.

There was no shame in asking her to limit what she ordered.

stackemhigh · 10/12/2020 07:40

But if you’re ill mannered enough to nick someone’s cigarettes then you can’t complain when they’re ill mannered to you.

38DegreesToday · 10/12/2020 07:40

@flaviaritt

You told her it was on you, took her to a fancy restaurant, let her order, and then told her she had to pay?

Yes, she is a bit cheeky for over-ordering (though to be fair you asked her out for lunch and then she ordered... lunch) but you can’t behave like that, OP! Yes, it was mean.

Agree.

Meepmeeep · 10/12/2020 07:43

Do you cover your chips in ketchup or pour some on the plate to delicately dip? If ketchup is not too low brow for you obviously.

Original poster

CrotchBurn · 10/12/2020 07:45

@stackemhigh
Actually the annoying thing about the cigarettes isnt so much taking the cigarettes, it's that I smoke rollies so whenever she wants one I have to roll it!

OP posts:

RedRec · 10/12/2020 07:47

OP, you have had a bit of flak here but I totally agree with you. And I like your writing style.

JaneM8888 · 10/12/2020 07:49

Sorry OP, but you picked the venue and offered to treat your friend.

Next time don't do it or go somewhere cheaper.

Thatwentbadly · 10/12/2020 07:52

@LuckyNumberThirteen

This is weirdly written.

I agree.

Dizzy1234 · 10/12/2020 07:53

I'm with you OP, yanbu, your friend was being grabby and you momentarily snapped.
If some was paying for my meal I would choose a cheap option and a single drink not a bottle of prosecco.
When we go out, sisters, mum and I, I am always designated driver so don't drink but the others always order bottles of wine then want to split the bill, irritates the hell out of me, it's the feeling of being taken advantage of, so I'm on your side.
Ps you post was not weirdly written 😉

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