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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have just about fucking had it with men?

999 replies

PurpleFeather · 08/12/2020 21:54

I’m sure some of you will pile on me to tell me “it’s not all men”, but right now I don’t fucking care.

Woke up to read about more horrific sexual attacks on women along my favourite running route (there have been many lately).

Dealt with some horrific sexism in my work meeting today (a “hilarious” conversation between male members of staff as to why men are just so much smarter than women).

Ended the day by receiving an e-mail from someone I line manage about how she approached inappropriately by a customer today.

So we can’t run safely, we can’t do our jobs and be seen as “equal”, and we can’t serve customers without getting harassed.

Today I am so so so angry. I am done with making excuses for men, and giving them the benefit of the doubt (“He probably brushed past me by accident”, and “he was only joking really”, etc). I am just totally, utterly done with male privilege and male violence rearing it’s fucking ugly head in every area of my life.

Fuck the patriarchy!

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 08/12/2020 22:38

Yes. You’re right. I thank my superb MIL for being a strident feminist and bringing up her two sons the same way.

Now I have to do the sane because it’ll be a cold day in hell they think that behaviour is acceptable.

Rosalisa · 08/12/2020 22:40

YANBU. I was reading the "Rudest Behaviour from a Stranger" thread earlier, and while there were some pretty horrible things said and done by women, it wasn't women going about sexually assaulting or catcalling and intimidating people in sexually threatening ways.

NaturesEnd · 08/12/2020 22:46

It's all infuriating and exhausting, it's not really surprising when you realise the timescale of our supposed equality. It won't be in our lifetimes that we achieve actual equality if ever. I am, so so grateful to those resourceful and tenacious women who fight the good fight. Those supremely intelligent and resourceful women plugging away.

Nhamashal · 08/12/2020 22:57

YUNBU. I despise having to clutch my keys when walking home in the dark and not being able to run with my music on at night from the fear of not being able to hear a potential attacker. I hate "compliments" on my appearance and stupid jokes about how women are better at taking care of the house etc. because "it is in our nature" and all this other utter bs.

Women can be annoying, frustrating and often cruel, but somehow it is always in a much different (less entitled?) way.

This reminded me of a very good tip I read on here, not applicable in many cases, but in some situations it worked wonders for me and made me feel better. When approached by a man making a sexist and/or inappropriate "joke", I now always ask "why is it funny, please explain because I genuinely don't understand"? Often, when they have to explain it, they get really embarrassed. At least some do.

yetanothernamitynamechange · 08/12/2020 22:58

I do think there are good men, but there are less good men than good women. And yes I know women can be awful to, but the standards of what counts as "awful" behaviour are so so different. Every time I have really been in difficulty it has been women that have come through and helped rather than men.

FoxyTheFox · 08/12/2020 23:00

the standards of what counts as "awful" behaviour are so so different

Yes to this, and men are so much more readily forgiven for awful behaviour than women are.

Doggybiccys · 08/12/2020 23:02

Sadly OP I came home from work today saying this exact thing. We are a family of 4 with 3 cars. I normally take DH’s car (Golf) or DS’s car (BMW) as their shifts usually fit with my hours. I do the same route - have done for past 5 years with no issues whatsoever.

Today I took DD’s car to give it a run as it’s been sitting due to lockdown. It’s a Ford Ka and a nice little runner. OMG I’ve never had such a hard time on the roads!

Driving the last leg of my journey home, some guy in a white van driving right up my arse, flashing me to move quicker, trying to get me to over take a bus in rush hour traffic when there was no break in oncoming traffic. Then he gives me the finger for not obeying him.

Bearing in mind there is a very high chance a young female was driving the Ka (it’s a “girly” car and he wouldn’t have known an old bag was driving) It actually made me really angry and upset to think an adult male would harass a young female in such an aggressive way. And I just thought in that moment- why do men have to be such wankers?

DaughterOfEvilReindeer · 08/12/2020 23:09

I'm too tired of it right now to say anything other than I hear you.

OverTheRubicon · 08/12/2020 23:11

@CoronaBollox

YANBU. 2 DDs here and am dreading them getting older.
Two DSs here, and sometimes I'm more worried about them than my DD. They are pretty great, as is she. But I look at adult men - including my dad and brothers, and male friends who are all 'decent' guys, then I look to my mum and sisters and my sisters in law and female friends and see who does the work, and who does the caring, and who keeps the whole thing going... And it's overwhelmingly the women. The family members who have been lost to drugs or committed crimes or been violent in any way, all men. Even the good husbands tend to either be lazy, or big into computer games or.porn.

Of course I am so worried about my DD getting hurt. I also worry hugely about how my sons will turn out, surrounded by the messages and role models out there. Right now they all seem equally wonderful (and sometimes equally naughty), but then I look out and see so many great female role.models.and so few male, and wonder what's happening.

Elfieishere · 08/12/2020 23:11

@PurpleFeather

What is the saying again?

“Men are afraid women will laugh at them. Women afraid men will kill them”.

Angry

I’m a women and Iv never heard of this saying. How is that even true Confused I’m not afraid a man will kill me.
june2007 · 08/12/2020 23:15

I am not afraid women will kill me. And just wathed programme where a lad has been stapped by a women. (don,t know why.) But it just puts thing in pespective. Sex attacks happen, sexism I have seen on both sides of the fence. I mean even this thread your taring every male with the same brush.

FoxyTheFox · 08/12/2020 23:18

I’m a women and Iv never heard of this saying. How is that even true confused I’m not afraid a man will kill me

Margaret Atwood said it, it doesn't refer to individuals but rather men and women as a whole. If someone asked a group of men what they find intimidating or threatening about women, one of the things they'd most worry about is being laughed at, being shamed, or belittled, being thought of as pathetic, etc. If that someone asked a group of women what they find most intimidating or threatening about men it would be the potential for violence, he could be a rapist, he could be a murderer. When DH was young and dating, the worst scenario he could think of for a shit date would be his date thinking he was a bit pathetic or a bit of a tit and leaving him with the bill, the worst scenario I could think of was potentially being raped or murdered.

FoxyTheFox · 08/12/2020 23:19

I mean even this thread your taring every male with the same brush.

Really? Where exactly?

I adore some men as individuals but as a collective group they have some worryingly problematic patterns of behaviour. It is not all men, but it is almost always men.

Barmyfarmy · 08/12/2020 23:30

I have 4 sons and I will do everything I possibly can to raise them to respect everyone around them and understand how to treat people humanely.My boys will also be taught the risks of being female or vulnerable or at risk of facing prejudice and I already encourage them to question equality and fairness.
But I am SO glad I don't have daughters purely because knowing they'll grow up to experience the same sexism, sexual harassment and inequality I and most women on this planet experience would kill me.

questionzzz · 08/12/2020 23:30

The sad thing is- men are overwhelmingly violent towards other men too! male violence is THE problem. And we just refuse to acknowledge it.

But I also hope it is getting better.

ImAllOut · 08/12/2020 23:32

I despise having to clutch my keys when walking home in the dark and not being able to run with my music on at night from the fear of not being able to hear a potential attacker.
My husband was shocked when I told him that when leaving my hospitality job at 1am every night, I would grip my key between my fingers "just in case". He just couldn't imagine walking late at night being anything to worry about. A few weeks prior to this conversation he had walked about 2 miles home alone after midnight from a train station. I can't imagine ever feeling safe enough to do that and I live in a low crime area.

FoxyTheFox · 08/12/2020 23:35

And almost worse than the fear of being attacked if walking after dark is the knowledge that the first question many people will ask is "what do you expect if you go walking around alone at night?"

WiseOwlWan · 08/12/2020 23:39

yanbu. So many men are vile and the ones who allegedly aren't never challenge the ones who are.

colouringindoors · 08/12/2020 23:39

Totally YADNBU.

Back to work after 6 months off with serious spinal injury yesterday. Today male boss made a joke about me having been skiving off. I was too shocked to reply at the time. But did speak to HR Manager. I have far less tolerance now. Total idiot.

And I realise this is small compared to epidemic of male violence against women which, like you OP, sickens me on a daily basis.

yetanothernamitynamechange · 08/12/2020 23:40

"I’m a women and Iv never heard of this saying. How is that even true confused I’m not afraid a man will kill me"
Then either you are lucky and have led a fortunate life or you are naive.

FoxyTheFox · 08/12/2020 23:44

Its not small compared to the epidemic of male violence, its a part of the problem. The sexist comments, the "jokes", and the "banter" contribute to the idea that women are secondary to men and not their equals - not to mention the total gaslighting when its pointed out and women are made to believe they're the problematic ones because its just a joke/its a bit of banter/thats just how men are/women are just as bad

Spanielmadness · 08/12/2020 23:49

I’m doing a temp warehouse job for Xmas money.
Not going in tonight, in part due to the constant comments and looks I am getting about my body.

One guy demanded I give him my number, despite telling him I have a partner. He said ‘that doesn’t matter’ as though I have no say in going out with him! Complaining is pointless..........,

Plantlover101 · 09/12/2020 01:30

Just look at all the women killed by their husbands or partners each year, sometimes the children are killed too. Male violence towards women and children makes me sick.

Idunnoyou · 09/12/2020 01:37

did not even read your thread but agree

grassisjeweled · 09/12/2020 01:48

Yeah me too.

I was reading an article about porn the other - underage girls, violence, etc etc.

Who are the consumers? Men. Who watches it? Men. Who buys it? Men.

Why don't men have the strength to stand up and say no to this? Because they consume it. They consume the abuse of women and children.