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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what your baby cut off age would be

504 replies

Allthestarsarecloser · 08/12/2020 17:42

I had my kids at 34 & 38 and I am now 46. My lovely friend is pregnant with a much wanted first baby at 46 and it’s got me thinking if I could do it at that point- I don’t think I could to be honest. I think my cut off was 40 probably!
Aibu to ask what ideal your cut off point age wise would be for kids? I know life isn’t perfect so it’s not so simple for everyone as my friend proves

OP posts:
AlexaShutUp · 09/12/2020 20:11

I think the school gate thing probably depends a bit where you live. I would hazard a guess that mums are older on average in more affluent areas and younger in more deprived areas. I was definitely on the younger side at our school, having had dd when I was 32.

Original poster
Allthestarsarecloser · 09/12/2020 20:21

@BagofOnions good question- yes, probably, I am knackered from years of parenting i guess. As someone said on here, losing a nights sleep these days can really affect me for a week.

It’s made me think the last few days though about it- as many have said, it’s what the sleep deprivation does to you! I love babies but it’ll be when I am (hopefully) a granny now!!!

OP posts:
Newbie1999 · 09/12/2020 20:23

Didn’t really have a cut off, but wanted 2 by 30. Had my second a couple of months before my 30th!

Neotraditional · 09/12/2020 20:27

I wouldn’t want a baby any later than 35. I had both mine in my 20s so appreciate my independence now I’m in my 40s and couldn’t imagine doing school runs/dealing with teenagers when I’m 50+

ChalkDinosaur · 09/12/2020 20:27

Well, ideally I'd have had my kids at 28 and 30. In reality I was 31 and will be 35. If I hadn't met my partner I'd probably have done it older, I really wanted kids. If I didn't have kids already I don't know where my cut off would be - if I felt healthy and finances looked OK maybe mid 40s.

LisaLee333 · 09/12/2020 20:36

[quote Onadifferentuniverse]@AliasGrape this thread was asking for people’s personal opinions, which will differ for different reasons.

I didn’t rub it in anyone’s face or cast any judgement on others.

You’re just pure nasty.[/quote]
Agreed!

AliasGrape · 09/12/2020 21:10

@LisaLee333

I’m glad that you agree that I’m ‘pure nasty’.

Or were you agreeing that this thread was asking for personal opinions and experiences?

Both seem strange when you’re the only person I can see who has outright ignored the personal cut off part and outright told people that they shouldn’t be having babies past the age you deem acceptable, that it’s dangerous to encourage women past that age to have babies galore - as if anyone ever had a baby at any age because someone posted on a mumsnet thread that their experience was positive, or for that matter anyone would ever give up on their desperately longed for child because someone with no idea what their circumstances are like has posted that it would be unfathomable for them to do so, you’re the one acting like being in your 40s or 50s is one step from the grave and you’re the one throwing around ageist assumptions and terms like ‘infirm’.

Either way, I’m out. I’m going to go and enjoy my perfect perfect baby.

TheRubyRedshoes · 09/12/2020 21:13

For me it's about health, fitness! You need to be very fit and healthy, I aim definitely done. 38 for me. I know people who are older mothers and were fine either due to extra money to ease it, or very fit... Calm.. People with the time to devote to it.

Corner13 · 09/12/2020 21:17

Probably 37 for me

Lucy830 · 09/12/2020 21:19

Ideally cut off would be 35. It’s the health implications more than anything.

KindKylie · 10/12/2020 10:15

I was in my early twenties when I had my first pregnancy that turned out to be a disaster healthwise and ended up with repeated rounds of disgusting drugs and months of pain and bleeding (and no baby)

My last pregnancy was in my later thirties and was an absolute breeze with both me and Dc3 well and happy.

I would happily have another in my early forties too but dh not keen.

I'm more financially stable, emotionally stable and have a far calmer and less pressured approach to parenting with the added perspective age brings.

Having had a DF who was way older than the norm I don't see that as a bad thing. My dad took early retirement to be more of a SAHD and we have an amazing relationship as a result. He's been able to be a fab grandparent to all our dc too.

DH was born to his mother in her teens and he did not have a happy childhood, had very little support and opportunity growing up for which is still resentful, and he unfortunately lost his mum when she was only 60. She was never a keen grandparent as she resented never having had time to herself as an adult.

Nothing should be viewed as a 'one variable decision' and in many ways age is one of the much less important factors.

dontdisturbmenow · 10/12/2020 10:20

Always told myself 42. It was the age my mum had my sister. She was very healthy and young looking as was I, but ironically, 42 is the age I entered the perimenopause any way, so that took care of it!

mumsyandtiredzz · 10/12/2020 10:36

I was 20 and 23 which was a bit too young in my opinion. I am enjoying the fact I’m late 20s and they’re both at school and we have more freedom with family life, but if I could do it all again then I’d have waited a few years.

I have no idea what my ‘cut-off’ would be. Surely it depends on circumstances? If I was happily settled with the right person and in decent circumstances for a baby then I’d probably want to be done by 35. I’d be conscious of heightened risks in pregnancy and also difficulties with conceiving once approaching the 40s, bit obviously it’s very different for somebody who has only found themselves with the right person in the right situation by that point and hasn’t necessarily ‘chosen’ to wait that long.

milesmorales · 10/12/2020 10:47

In theory it would have been 40. Now I'm 41 and ttc for one more! My plan is to just keep trying until the menopause kicks in, so I guess my cut off age is whatever nature decides (I wouldn't use any kind of assisted reproduction). It's not ideal but I want a sibling for DD. I had her aged 38 and I've found it easy - no health issues, not even morning sickness and breastfeeding was a breeze, no sleep deprivation.

I don't feel concerned about energy levels as we're financially comfortable and I think that helps a lot (DD started p/t nursery aged 2 to give me a break although I'm a sahm); we might get an au pair if I have another. I haven't found the baby/toddler years hard, just very busy. We're in London, where there are lots of mums in their 40s/50s at primary/secondary, so I'm not concerned about looking out of place.
But I'm more worried about how young DD (and any future child) will be when I'm elderly/get health issues/when I die. I feel sad for her that I won't be around for her through adult life and might not have the energy to be active with grandchildren.

Moandy · 10/12/2020 10:51
  1. We are lucky enough to have a comfortable life in our mid/late 20's. If we weren't that fortunate, I would've said 35.
Kokeshi123 · 10/12/2020 13:42

link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s00129-017-4124-1

This paper suggests there may be many advantages to having an older mother.

minipie · 10/12/2020 14:37

As a few PP have suggested, I had more of a lower age limit than an upper one. Would not have considered having children for most of my 20s. I really wasn’t grown up enough. (Not saying others aren’t but I certainly wasn’t).

rbmilliner · 10/12/2020 17:21

@bitheby don't give up I had roughly same scenario as you. Now got a gorgeous 3 year old. A loss at our age is not uncommon prior to a happy outcome. But nevertheless this is a difficult time for you💐

Mommabear20 · 10/12/2020 19:11

Before 30. Second is due next July/August and I'll be 27 in may so worked out perfectly for us 😁

elliejjtiny · 10/12/2020 19:13

My personal cut off was 30. Although I ended up having my youngest at 32.

Roselilly36 · 10/12/2020 19:44

35 for me, I had my two by 31, with a very close gap, it is so tiring. I honestly don’t know how older mums do it, I take my hat off to them.

Kokeshi123 · 11/12/2020 06:03

I have no doubt it depends on the person, but I didn't find having a baby at 40 more tiring than the first time round, honestly. Do you not think that having a close gap is more of a factor if you found it more tiring the second time?

StickTheKettleOnAlice · 11/12/2020 19:56

@Kokeshi123 that's an interesting point. It could be and I have wondered how much age plays apart if only 2 or 3 year between children. I did think my pregnancies would have been similar but I found the second one a million times harder despite working fulltime through the first one. I also found my second pregnancy harder due to worse pgp and having a toddler to look after as well. Hmmm... I do have a feeling if it had been a first pregnancy at the time of my second it would have been better probably apart from the mix of hormones that were worse the second time.

lalaloopyhead · 11/12/2020 20:06

My oldest is 21 and youngest is 13 so at least 7 years ago I think... probably more to do with age gaps that my own age but at the age of 47 I think the baby days are a long way behind me....

PortalooSunset · 11/12/2020 22:14

I've got 6 years between dc. My second pregnancy/birth/recovery was much easier than the first although the baby was harder ans just didn't bloody sleep!