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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what your baby cut off age would be

504 replies

Allthestarsarecloser · 08/12/2020 17:42

I had my kids at 34 & 38 and I am now 46. My lovely friend is pregnant with a much wanted first baby at 46 and it’s got me thinking if I could do it at that point- I don’t think I could to be honest. I think my cut off was 40 probably!
Aibu to ask what ideal your cut off point age wise would be for kids? I know life isn’t perfect so it’s not so simple for everyone as my friend proves

OP posts:
Kokeshi123 · 09/12/2020 11:17

Mine was 40. Everyone is different, though!

I also think parity matters. Doing career and traveling in your 20s and 30s and then having one at 40, is pretty different to having a kids at 27, 31, 35, and then contemplating having a third at 40.... No way, I'd want my life back, frankly.

PurplePansy05 · 09/12/2020 11:19

Can I just say, reading this thread has given me a lot of comfort. After several miscarriages, I'm pregnant again at 34 (no living children). I often ask myself this question as I go through phases when the cycle of TTC/pregnancy/yet another MC/recovery and starting all over again is torturous. I have been in it for coming up to 2 years now and I really don't know how long I can continue, but I am very maternal and my life feels empty without children. It's like I have no strengh to face it all again, but I can't give up either as I'd always regret it and I'd always live with a huge what if.

Love to all of you for whom it wasn't easy xxx

dippyegg32 · 09/12/2020 11:20

I had my girls at 22 and 26. I'm 32 now and have just had a mmc. I won't be trying again. I'm still young and am incredibly blessed to have two beautiful daughters.

Snally82 · 09/12/2020 11:22

@PurplePansy05 just after we ‘gave up’ I fell pregnant (aged 38). Please don’t lose hope x

Kokeshi123 · 09/12/2020 11:22

Can someone please explain the weird obsession with "school gates" and how young or old everyone is?

I have never in my entire life noticed or cared or heard anyone else saying anything about this. It's such a strange thing to be bothered about.

MeeshW · 09/12/2020 11:24

My personal cut off age was 35 but I had my first baby at 29 and was married. If circumstances were different and I was single I would have an open mind and probably be willing to try even into mid 40's .

miserableannie · 09/12/2020 11:36

I'm with proudboomer

user1471523870 · 09/12/2020 11:38

I never set a target for myself. After many years of infertility I decided that I was going to try one more time, but that was not strictly related to my age. I had my baby at 43 in the end. At 46 I am now considering another one but realistically I don't think we will go for it.
I am lucky I look and feel much younger and totally don't feel out of place with the other mothers. Not that I care to be completely honest!

The only thing is that my little one will have elderly parents when he will be an adult, which is a bit sad as we might leave him sooner than others (but hopefully not!). And one of the reason for giving him a sibling is to have some family around, although I know I shouldn't really base my decision for another baby on that.

Nogoodusername · 09/12/2020 11:50

Probably 38. I had mine at 30 and 34

trixiebelden77 · 09/12/2020 11:52

I have no idea how long I would I have tried and I think other people with children who think they wouldn’t try after 35 or whatever magical age are smug deluded fools.

It’s not hard to muster up enough empathy to understand why someone without children who desperately wanted them would keep trying despite their age.

itbemay1 · 09/12/2020 11:54

35 max for me. I'm 44 now with an adult child and a late teen and I could not imagine having a baby now, I'm knackered! But that's only because I have kids I can say that I suppose

Original poster
Allthestarsarecloser · 09/12/2020 11:56

One of the things that is interesting on this thread is the difference people are making between convincing naturally and having treatment. My 46 year old friend has used donor eggs- does that make a difference as then the cut off is potentially much later

OP posts:
Mrsfrumble · 09/12/2020 12:05

@trixiebelden77

I have no idea how long I would I have tried and I think other people with children who think they wouldn’t try after 35 or whatever magical age are smug deluded fools.

It’s not hard to muster up enough empathy to understand why someone without children who desperately wanted them would keep trying despite their age.

Hardly anyone has said that they judge or disapprove of other people having babies past their own personal cut off though (I know a couple have, but the majority haven’t). Many, me included, have acknowledged our good fortune in circumstances allowing us to have a choice in the matter.
Onadifferentuniverse · 09/12/2020 12:13

I’m nearly 30 and now is my cut off.
My dad was 40 when I was born and it’s far too big of a gap.

Who wants to be 4 years off 60 with a 10 year old?

You’re lucky to make it to being 60 these days. I couldn’t risk leaving a child parentless whilst they’re small.

AlexaShutUp · 09/12/2020 12:18

Ideal? Probably around 37ish, but life doesn't always go to plan, and I'm sure I'd have felt differently if I had got beyond that age and not yet had any. In the same way, I wouldn't have wanted to start before 30, but I'm sure it would have worked out just fine if that had happened. I actually had dd when I was 32, which was pretty perfect for me.

OneForMeToo · 09/12/2020 12:20

My cut off was 30 and I have three and I’m done. Dh went off for the snip. I look even at my friends with young tiny babies and nope no thank you I like my sleep and not dealing with nappies.

AlexaShutUp · 09/12/2020 12:20

You’re lucky to make it to being 60 these days. I couldn’t risk leaving a child parentless whilst they’re small.

Where on earth do you live that life expectancy is so short?

Helbelle75 · 09/12/2020 12:21

I had dd1 at 42 and dd2 at 44. Both conceived naturally and both absolutely perfect.
I always said my cut off was 45, but I think I would have kept going if dd2 hadn't arrived when she did.
I'm fit and healthy, with a good career, so I can work part time on a good wage.
Everyone's situation is different and it would be lovely not to be judged.

Flowerpot345 · 09/12/2020 12:25

36 for me personally I wouldn't want a baby in my 40s.

Snally82 · 09/12/2020 12:33

@Onadifferentuniverse

I’m nearly 30 and now is my cut off. My dad was 40 when I was born and it’s far too big of a gap.

Who wants to be 4 years off 60 with a 10 year old?

You’re lucky to make it to being 60 these days. I couldn’t risk leaving a child parentless whilst they’re small.

The average life expectancy is around 80 in the Uk Confused
Onadifferentuniverse · 09/12/2020 12:37

That doesn’t mean you’ll make it to 80.

Neither of my parents made it to 70, one didn’t even make it to 60.

I’m not judging people for having children older but for me, I couldn’t risk it.

unicornparty · 09/12/2020 12:38

I had mine mid 20s. Was glad to have got over the nappies and toddler tantrums by my 30s. Wouldn't really want one after very early 30s.

AuntyCandthefishfingersandwich · 09/12/2020 12:39

My mum was 40 and dad was 45. I hated having older parents than all my peers.

Snally82 · 09/12/2020 12:39

@Onadifferentuniverse no but it does mean it’s more likely than not. I’m sorry to hear you lost your parents early.

WankPuffins · 09/12/2020 12:40

Can someone please explain the weird obsession with "school gates" and how young or old everyone is?

@Kokeshi123 I've been doing the school run for 13 years now, and I can hand on heart say I've never given a though to how old or young anyone else is.

Although the first thing my SIL said when I told her I was pregnant again at 40 was "aren't you worried about being one of the oldest mums at the school?" She's a teacher. She said they gossip about that sort of thing Confused (she's a bit odd though).

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