To ask what your baby cut off age would be

[Allthestarsarecloser]

I had my kids at 34 & 38 and I am now 46. My lovely friend is pregnant with a much wanted first baby at 46 and it’s got me thinking if I could do it at that point- I don’t think I could to be honest. I think my cut off was 40 probably!
Aibu to ask what ideal your cut off point age wise would be for kids? I know life isn’t perfect so it’s not so simple for everyone as my friend proves

30 for me. I don’t want to have been a young mum and an older mum. My fiancé is older and 40 is his cut off. Realistically I think I’m going to be done after the one I’m pregnant with at the moment. I hate being pregnant and I’m fit and healthy and in my 20’s, I don’t think I’d personally cope with the pregnancy’s that I have in my late 30’s and early 40’s.

My ideal world cut off was 30 and I had my 2 well before then. I’m early 30’s and feel knackered and old but I think my absolute cut off is 35.

@AwaAnBileYerHeid

Is it just western society that obsessed over age so much?

@pallisers

Is that really all the thought you will give to it? You won't consider increased health risks for you and the baby, age you will be during teenage years? If you can have a baby at 50 you'll go for it (dh's great grandmother had her last at 50 - she led a dog's life.)

Any place women have a choice to control their fertility they will make choices about when to start having children, when to stop and how many to have and when to have them. It is one of the most liberating things about modern society - that women can do this.

This ^ Totally agree with pallisers. Why anyone would elect to have children past the age of 40/42 is beyond me. As you said, when people say they'd be happy to have a baby past their mid 40s, they are clearly not taking into consideration the health risks for themselves AND the child. So many things can go wrong/will go wrong.

Also they don't seem to consider how old they'll be when the child hits their teens, and also the fact that their child could be a carer for elderly parents, (or even an orphan,) when they should be living their best life; going to uni, travelling, partying, and enjoying their youth. It's actually quite selfish IMO, to have a baby past the age of 40/42. IMO, 42 should be the cut-off point for having a baby, for every woman. (And FWIW, every man too.)

As a number of posters have said, although I love my kids (and if I could go back in time I wouldn't change a thing,) no WAY would I elect to have a baby in my 40s. It's hard work, even when they're quite well-behaved kids who sleep OK. Mine were pretty good kids, but both of them didn't sleep past 5 a.m. til the age of 4 or 5. I worked too, in a demanding job, (28 hours a week,) so was constantly knackered.

When they were at junior school, I was knackered for different reasons. As I said, my job was very demanding, and I was still expected to do the same amount of work that people working 40 hours were doing. Because my kids were now at school, it was assumed by my (male) boss that I didn't have that much to do because 'the school has the kids now!' So he chucked more work my way. I even had to take it home to do it sometimes, as I ran out of time at work. So I changed jobs when they were 6 and 8, and worked 16 hours a week.

That was better, but yeah, I struggled with 28 hours a week (with 40 hours work crammed into it,) AND looking after 2 small kids, and I was only in my early 30s when they were infant age (3 to 6 y.o. ish) No way in hell would I be doing that in my late 40s/early 50s.

@Allthestarsarecloser There is nothing goady or insensitive about your thread. People should be free to discuss this issue, and to say in their opinion, there are many negatives to having a baby past the age of 40. If people are finding the thread upsetting, they are free to hide the thread.

Hard to put a number on it when dealing with infertility. I’d have liked to have had one before 32 but I’m now 33 and no baby yet after 4 years TTC. My soft cut off is 36, because I wouldn’t really want a teenager in my late 50s, but in reality it’s however long it takes to have the number of rounds of IVF we can afford. Only want one though.

Life doesn't always go as planned, I have one now at 31. Would like to have another but just can't afford one, will be late 30s

If I didn’t have children and was desperate for one I’d still be trying now at 44 but having had my children much younger I most definitely wouldn’t want one now! My personal cut off when I was young was 30 but did have my fourth at 32. I had my first at 22. With hindsight I’d have waited until I was about 25 to have my first and done some travelling/got a career started first.

I am looking forward to grandchildren at some stage though and my eldest children are in their early 20’s so that’s the next baby stage to come for me (assuming they choose to have them).

As you said, when people say they'd be happy to have a baby past their mid 40s, they are clearly not taking into consideration the health risks for themselves AND the child. So many things can go wrong/will go wrong.

it's a good thing it's only YOUR opinion. I agree that parents shouldn't have a child because they want a carer in later life, but you are being ridiculous. I wouldn't agree about a mother in her 60s having a baby, but if you can naturally conceive, then it's not to late, and 42 is a completely random arbitrary number.

There ARE risks when you are older, but there are risks anyway.

People can get sick, injured, in need of carer at any point of their lives.

My cut-off would be your body telling you it's too late. I am not saying women with fertility issues should not get help, because that has nothing to do with age, and it's now obvious fertility help doesn't harm the child in any way.

If you can still naturally conceive, then you are not too old.

An older mother might be more tired, true. But what if said older mother can offer a much more comfortable life, more opportunities and much more of her time because her own career is well settled and she can prioritise family life, because she can chose flexible hours, is senior enough to work from home, is senior enough to get more paid leave etc.

You cannot seriously say it's a negative to have children in your 40s than you can say it's a negative in your 20s. It's a personal choice.

Sorry I'm only up to page 6 so far but to @bitheby @TulesDana @Bunbunbunny

I am 36 and pregnant with my first. I met my DP later than I ever thought I would be settled down by, but hey thats life. If you are healthy, happy, financially secure and have love to give, I don't think any of these answers should make you feel bad. It is totally subjective. Don't give up hope x

This isn’t a very nice thread, OP. Just lots of smug people who’ve been able to have children at the age they want saying “oh I’d never have a child over X” when the reality is that most women have no say in when they are able to have children or when they meet the right person to have them with.

Let’s face it if you’re single until 38 and then it takes 5 years to get pregnant, basically every woman who wants children would be willing to have them at 43. These “upper limits” are all imaginary and just based on luck.

I had both DC in my twenties and was fortunate enough that I didn't have any of the heartache and hurt that so many others go through. So whilst it'd be easy for me to say "x is my cutoff" and be glib about it, if I'd not been able to have them I imagine I'd probably have kept trying forever.

I have friends who are having their first DC in their 40's and friends like me who had them in their 20's. There's no set way of doing it right; if DH and I had our DC now (late 30's) we'd have more money, certainly, but we'd also have had to consider that our parents are considerably older and wouldn't have been able to help us half so much. I wouldn't ever judge a family for having a baby later in life; so long as there's love and joy, it's no concern of anyone else's.

I posted upthread but should have said this..
I have had dc in my teens, 20's, 30's and 1 at 43.
No different physically for me. Sleepless nights a killer regardless of age!!
Managing other relationships with a new baby brings it's own challenges whenever a baby arrives..

What i wonder actually is what age is it when there tends to be problems with the child? Older mothers tend to be the ones with the poorly or disabled children. Id love to know when that would start to happen but my general cut off age would be 35. Any older and I would worry

Ideal would be 35. Had one at 22. Would have liked to have had another at 25, then, if there were no overpopulation concerns, another two in my early thirties.

35 for me but I had DS at 27 and I'm expecting his sibling at 32. I wouldn't want my childbearing years to extend much further than 35 but I expect I would feel differently if I had started my family later in life. DH and I have agreed that if we are to have a third (undecided) then we need to start trying around the time our new baby is 2.

I always said I wanted to be done at 37/38 (pregnant at 37 to give birth at 38), but had I reached my "cutoff" and still wanted more I would've kept going until 40. I'm now 39 and have 3, youngest is 8 so never had to worry about the cutoff in the end.

To me it is not just the age of the mother that is a factor.
There has been a lot of research into both the mother and fathers age and the increased risks of having a child on the autism spectrum.
There are clear links that the older the parents the more risk of having a child on the spectrum.
I had mine at 32 and 34 with a husband who was 7 years older. His age of 40 was our cut off point and I was lucky enough to conceive just before he hit 40.

Very difficult to say in some ways.
I got pregnant with my first at 31 and am now pregnant with my second at 34. Providing everything goes ok with this pregnancy, that's me done.
But if I had battled infertility/met my husband later in life, I would've tried into my early 40s in order to become a Mum.

I thought I was done by the age of 26 when my second DD was born ( I was 23 when I had her older sister). However life had other plans for us and 10 years (& 1 week) after DD2 was born DD3 joined our family. I'm 38 now and our girls are 15, 12 & 2... I do have moments where I worry about being an 'older' Mum for DD3 as am very used to being the youngest Mum in relation to my oldest Daughter's friendship group. However having a beautifully bonkers 2 year old is definitely keeping me feeling young. I know that I have no desire to add to our family now, both Hubby & I said when DD3 arrived that she was the piece of our family puzzle that we didn't know was missing... our puzzle was 100% completed by her. Xx

I do get sick of hearing how those of us who are mums ‘in our 40s’ must necessarily be more exhausted and have less energy.
I’m not noticeably more tired now than I was when I was say 36, 30 or even maybe in my 20s.

I’m tired as a new mum, but absolutely no more tired than any other new mums I know
whatever their age. People who had one younger and then again when older and say ‘I’m so much more tired this time’ - well yes, presumably because you now have two or more children? Which is more tiring than just the one. If you personally find parenthood so difficult that you couldn’t contemplate it again further down the line then that’s great for you that you had your children when you did - it’s your own experience and absolutely no indication of how difficult or tiring the next woman is going to find it.

My pregnancy was an absolute breeze, my niece in her early 20s who was pregnant the same time never barely got out of bed for 9 months the poor thing. The birth wasn’t great but I recovered from my EMCS well and within the time frame I was told to expect. I found the newborn weeks really hard, and everything from about 12 weeks on has been pretty easy up to now, no doubt there will be another phase soon that will knock me sideways with how tough it is, and no doubt I’ll deal with that when it happens too, just the same as any other mother.

I’m at a stage in my life when I’ve travelled, had so much fun and adventure and achieved things I’m really proud of, I don’t feel I’m missing out on anything. We’re financially secure - even with a drop in income through COVID and may leave, I can afford to take as much time off to be at home with my daughter as we feel we need as a family. I’m far more relaxed, confident and less anxious than I was in my 20s and 30s and have a wealth of experience I can share with her. I’d have loved to have had her sooner, but it didn’t work out that way and there’s so many benefits to it happening this way too.

My own mum was 40 when I was born (actually my birth mum was a lot younger but she died in childbirth and my birth dad died when I was in my early teens - so them being younger didn’t prevent me from experiencing loss at such a young age either). Older adoptive mum was the best mum I could ever ever have hoped for, and whilst I have lost her whilst still relatively young, I’d far rather have had the life I had with her and the relationship we had for all the years we did, than have anyone else for longer. One thing she noticed is that she had far more patience and was far more laid back as a mum to me than when she had her other children in her 20s. My sister in law’s mum was 45 when she was born. My great aunt had her children at 40 and 44 - older parents are not a new thing and do not automatically mean the children are going to suffer.

I wouldn’t dream of thinking I know what’s best for another woman or another family. I wouldn’t dream of patronising them by assuming they’re not aware of the various risk factors that might affect their chances of a healthy pregnancy/ baby or might affect their family further down the road - whatever their age. Believe me once you’re pregnant at 40 you hear nothing else apart from what the risks are so posting on here as if you’re the first person ever to point it out really isn’t necessary or helpful.

very good post AliasGrape

IDK. My first I had at 24, my last at 33. I was SO VERY DONE by the time my last was born, and I felt physically and emotionally exhausted. But that's my personal experience and already having children and a full time job probably contributed at least as much to my exhaustion as my age. If I conceived now (39) I would terminate without a second thought, not because I think 39 is too old for women to have babies but because I, personally, feel too old and tired to have any more babies. But I have friends who had babies when we were at school and friends who started having babies in their 40s- I really don't think there is any perfect age.

as a complete side note about fitness and tiredness..

studies about ultra-marathons show that the average age was 36 for the first run, and the average participant 43 years old. It's an average, so younger and older runners involved by definition, but don't bury all the 40 years old as past their best...

40. I don’t feel I can cope with being a lifelong carer and the odds of that happening increase massively over 40.

I am pretty open minded to this as individual situations change. A friend was trying at 46 4 years ago. I so wish she has been successful as her dh passed from Covid in July and she is heartbroken.

For me I had my last at 33 I didnt stop thinking.. hmm one more would be nice at age 48 nature decided enough was enough. Dh was done at 40 when out youngest was born. Even now at age 50 I wouldn't hate the idea

Had my first at 25, had my last at 40. 40 was my absolute cut-off.

I haven't found it difficult at all, actually, I find it a lot easier now, I'm much more of a relaxed parent, but for me, while I'd love another, I don't to want to push it further for health/medical reasons. I've had it relatively easy until this point.