To ask what your baby cut off age would be

[Allthestarsarecloser]

I had my kids at 34 & 38 and I am now 46. My lovely friend is pregnant with a much wanted first baby at 46 and it’s got me thinking if I could do it at that point- I don’t think I could to be honest. I think my cut off was 40 probably!
Aibu to ask what ideal your cut off point age wise would be for kids? I know life isn’t perfect so it’s not so simple for everyone as my friend proves

@AlexaShutUp

That doesn’t mean you’ll make it to 80.

Neither of my parents made it to 70, one didn’t even make it to 60.

I’m not judging people for having children older but for me, I couldn’t risk it.

My very dear friend had her first baby at 24, and the second one at 26. She was dead by the age of 34 after a four-year fight with breast cancer. So on that basis, none of us should risk having children at any age.

You can never erase all risks from life. It is ridiculous to live your life in that way.

Whilst I am very sorry your friend died at 34, this is a poor analogy. People are far more likely to leave a child an orphan at a young age, if they don't have a baby til their mid 40s, than they are if they have their kids in their 20s/early 30s.

Just as it's FAR more likely a person will be knackered/infirm/not able to do a lot of stuff people 20 years younger can do, when they're in their mid 50s/60s etc...

The 'yeah but if you have your kids before you are 30, you can still leave them motherless if you die young,' type comments are as bad as the 'yeah but my granny worked from the age of 3 to 107 without a day off sick' and my auntie fanny had 3 kids past the age of 45, and is 70 year old sprightly bird who can run faster than Usain Bolt' type posts. They are extremely frustrating and counter-productive, because they are the very rare exception, rather than the rule.

Frankly, it's quite worrying and dangerous to encourage women to have babies galore when they're middle aged. There are so many reasons not to, that I'd be here til 5pm typing them all!

@trixiebelden77

I have no idea how long I would I have tried and I think other people with children who think they wouldn’t try after 35 or whatever magical age are smug deluded fools.

What a thoroughly unpleasant post. People were asked for their opinions, and they gave them. You are seriously projecting here.

Re the comments by @Onadifferentuniverse of course, the life expectancy of most people is not 60, but the vast majority of people will be past their best health by then. To have school age children at 60 is just unfathomable. No way in hell. Nope.

I also think it's easy to say "I would have gone on trying until menopause" if you've conceived easily. You now have your children and do not actually know what it is like to have been on that treadmill for years and years without success and how it wears you down.

@LisaLee333 thanks for understanding my POV.

@pallisers. You have no idea "how much thought" I've put into it based off my comment. None at all. For your information, my mother had me in her 20s, I was very badly abused as a child and if it had happened in the 00s onwards, as opposed to the 80s, I probably would have been taken into care. I believe my mother to have had borderline personality disorder and this is partly where the abuse stemmed from. She had my younger brother at almost 40 and by this point, she had matured, mellowed and he was given a good upbringing, certainly no abuse. Age does chill many people who wouldn't have been great parents shouid they have their children younger.

My point is that there is nothing wrong with having a child at the age that is right for your own personal circumstances and for your offspring. My mother now has a severe neurological condition and can't be the type of mother that most people have in their 30s. I deal continuously with looking after her, the consequences of her ill health on my own life ie needing to sacrifice things to look after her. She had me at the 'right' age (not that their is a right age but many people like to proclaim there is). Re downs, a friend of mine had her baby at 34 and he had downs, had her last baby at 40 and is perfectly healthy.

I don't judge anyone for having a baby at whatever age and doing what is right for them and theirs. Leave women and their choices along. If that choice isn't for you then great, don't make that choice. But you do you.

@Mintjulia

Mine was 40. I had DS ( my only) at 45

And I bet he's extra loved! XX

As long as you are fit and healthy, no age cut- off. Well menopause I suppose!
I didnt take that view. I projected how I old I would be when my child was 18 to help make a decision.
If I thought I could still have one up to menopause it would be a disaster fir me. Im 55 and I haven't started it yet. I would not want to be a mother if an 18 year old when I'm 73! OK thars an extreme example but deciding 35 was my cut of point was looking at what kind if future I was hoping for with Dh ( I understand there was no guarantees) Anyway, it worked out. I was 34 and Ds 2 has just had his 21st

@Onadifferentuniverse
Who wants to be 4 years off 60 with a 10 year old?

My DH. That's what he'll be when ds is 10 , 56. Shall I ask him why?

You’re lucky to make it to being 60 these days. I couldn’t risk leaving a child parentless whilst they’re small.

My DM is 70. DF is 71 (and has just taken sole care of my 5yo ds for over a week whilst I had to travelled. He appears to have survived it 🤨). DMIL is 71. DFIL is 69. Both DH's grandmas are alive and mostly well, both 95. I'm sorry you've experienced the loss you have, but on the contrary, you're unlucky NOT to make it to 60 these days.

@LisaLee333
Also, there is no getting away from the fact she will be taking her infant to primary school in her FIFTIES, and will be a pensioner when said child goes to uni

OMG, what happens when you're in your FIFTIES and still doing the primary school run? 😬

Yes, DH will be of pensionable age if/when DS goes to uni. Is there a problem with that fact, something we hadn't considered? 🤨

I had my only at 20. I will never have another. I have friends just starting now, mid 30’s and I couldn’t imagine doing night feeds now. For me personally, with hindsight, no older than 30. It’s just to tiring

It’s so personal. I don’t judge any woman’s choices RE age but my personal cut off Is 30.

I hate pregnancy, am terrible at it and find baby stage exhausting. I have a small DS and currently pregnant with number 2. I’ll be 28 when they arrive.

All being well, I’m done. 2 and out!

It's so interesting reading all these posts saying that their personal cut off is 30. That was my cut off in the other direction, i.e. I thought under 30 was too young!

I hope that my dd won't have kids before 30 either tbh, though obviously, that'll be up to her to decide.

OP, you've asked if a cut off is different if treatment comes to play. I think it possibly is, not necessarily through choice, it just so happens. You'll probably find that many women have suffered miscarriages (like me), maybe stillbirth, maybe they cannot conceive naturally at all and had to try other methods, as you've mentioned, IVF etc. All this usually takes a while and so it's probably true that the cut off changes. Diagnosis and treatment (if any) also take a while in most cases. My original cut off was 36, but obviously with my history it may well have to move to a later date. I'm not happy about this, but what choice do I have.

I had my first at 34, have been trying for number 2 for a year now and am currently 38. I'm hoping things happen within the next year, I don't think I want to be having another in my forties. But as I've read many say it really depends on how you feel at the time. If it hasn't happened who knows, I could well still be trying. I think it's a personal choice.

@Shmithecat2 good for you? What a shitty comment to make after your read my reasoning.
Especially the emojis you used too.

[quote Onadifferentuniverse]@Shmithecat2 good for you? What a shitty comment to make after your read my reasoning.
Especially the emojis you used too.[/quote]
Honestly your post was pretty shitty too, on a thread where people have shared their experiences of the pain of infertility, miscarriages, stillbirths. So it goes both ways.

The life expectancy of a woman aged 56 is 86. Not bad!

Honestly your post was pretty shitty too, on a thread where people have shared their experiences of the pain of infertility, miscarriages, stillbirths. So it goes both ways.

Agreed!

There are so many ageist comments on here it's laughable.
I took my dc to primary when I was in my 50s. No one batted an eyelid. I wasn't the oldest mum there and the average age of mums with kids in dc's class, was 39.

Now I'm late 50s and ds is at senior school. No one has fainted yet, Ds doesn't even notice. I'm fit, heathy, run, swim, cycle, bmi is 21.6. I take great care to stay healthy (don't drink, smoke, eat badly) and am no more likely to drop dead than some of the mums in their 30s.

I shall see ds off to uni in 2026 and then retire. And he still won't notice

I had my first at 35 and my youngest at 43, I was also born when my mum was 43. Happy childhood, parents kept young by having younger children. Hopefully it will pan out the same for me.

I have 4 and am 41 and work. However, if I didn’t work and could afford a full time nanny and cleaner then I could easily have another one. So it very much depends on your personal circumstances surely. Growing up I had a close friend whose mum was 48
when she had her and they were perfectly happy and mum was a fabulous and patient mother. I would say my absolute limit if I didn’t have children would be 50 (but only if I had close family and knew they would look after the child if I were to die relatively young) and I would have all the prenatal tests available.

@Onadifferentuniverse I’m not ‘pure nasty’ at all. I’ve experienced loosing parents young too, 4 of them in fact. I know that pain and am sorry you do too.

But you said ‘you’re lucky to make it to 60’ and when people took issue with that you were nasty calling them shitty. If you want people to understand why you posted as you did based on the reasons you gave, then you should have some understanding the other way too.

@AlexaShutUp me too (minimum age of 30), wish I’d listened to myself!!

Interestingly at our school gates I’m one of the youngest mums (25 when I had DC1) but there’s quite a collective of mums who had their DC more than 20years older than I was, and every age inbetween. I think all of us assume everyone is somewhere in the middle - being a parent if you g children is quite the equaliser!

I think probably around 40 for me. I know people who did it later but if I'd have got that far without them I don't think I would have had any. I had mine at 27 and 33. Lost one when I was 36. We didn't try again but it wasn't my age that stopped us.