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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pushing DC to leave home

284 replies

Mariearistocat · 08/12/2020 15:59

Have name changed for this as looking at previous threads I am very much in the minority for my opinion.

I don’t understand this obsession with getting DC out of your house as quickly as possible. There seems to be some MN obsession that as soon as DC turn 18 they need to be looking for somewhere else to stay. I only ever see it on here, never in real life. The amount of responses i see on threads here about giving deadlines to make your DC move out.

Leave laundry on the floor. Chuck them out. Don’t wash their plate after dinner. Chuck the out. Spent money on what is deemed a frivolous item. Chuck them out. What happened to just having conversations with them and setting rules and boundaries and making sure that they are respected.

I don’t know if it’s a competition on how well someone child’s doing that they have moved out. I could never imagine asking my children to move out. They are late teens, paying rent and each have their own jobs to do and I have no issue with this continuing for however long they wished to stay here. This is their home too.

Am I the only one?

OP posts:
firstimemamma · 08/12/2020 16:03

My ds is only a toddler but in the future I imagine him moving out late teens or early twenties. 25 would be the absolute cut off for us (obviously with the exception of some kind of crisis or emergency). I couldn't care less how other families do things - everyone's circumstances and opinions are different.

msrobot · 08/12/2020 16:03

Agree as long as they’re respectful

In many areas it’s so expensive to move out even if you’re working full time. Why wouldn’t you want to help them out if you can?

Marylou62 · 08/12/2020 16:09

How old are your DCs OP?

PlanDeRaccordement · 08/12/2020 16:11

YANBU, I have seen that on MN very often for 18yr olds and up. Even a few times regarding 16/17yr olds being recommended by posters to “get a job” and pay “rent” in order to stay in their own home.

I personally think that so long as my DC is in full time education and progressing through it satisfactorily, then DH and I should be fully supporting them so long as we are able. And if they want to come back home and work to save up to buy a house, we’d support that too.

bp300 · 08/12/2020 16:13

Yes definitely, it is madness to move out before they've saved up a house deposit at least.

Nanny0gg · 08/12/2020 16:17

Mine left for various reasons before their 20s with some boomeranging after.

But I dont actually want to house-share with other adults so I was happy when they all left

Macncheeseballs · 08/12/2020 16:17

It kinda depends how old your kids are

Merryoldgoat · 08/12/2020 16:17

It’s a bit different for me as my boys have additional needs so I’m expecting them to stay with us pretty much forever. However, I think you can still have respectful relationships with boundaries and encourage independence without making them move out regardless of age.

I hope my sons are able to lead independent lives: they’re too young to judge right now but I’ll encourage them to aim for a happy independent life whatever that looks like for them.

Whattheactual20201 · 08/12/2020 16:18

My children are welcome for as long as they need be !

Camomila · 08/12/2020 16:19

I'm Italian, my brother and I went back and forwards for aaaages Grin
My DC can do the same if they want! (4 and a baby so I have a while yet)

Leaannb · 08/12/2020 16:21

My adult children jave always paid rent until they could save up a deposit for a rental. Yes they paid for rent,utilities and their own food. Welcome to being an adult

VinylDetective · 08/12/2020 16:22

@bp300

Yes definitely, it is madness to move out before they've saved up a house deposit at least.
Some kids would be there for ever if that was the criterion! I’m quite surprised at all these adult children wanting to stay in the nest. I couldn’t wait to leave and went just before my 18th birthday.
Leaannb · 08/12/2020 16:23

@PlanDeRaccordement

YANBU, I have seen that on MN very often for 18yr olds and up. Even a few times regarding 16/17yr olds being recommended by posters to “get a job” and pay “rent” in order to stay in their own home.

I personally think that so long as my DC is in full time education and progressing through it satisfactorily, then DH and I should be fully supporting them so long as we are able. And if they want to come back home and work to save up to buy a house, we’d support that too.

Its not their home. Its mine and my husband's. They only get to share until they can get a place of their own. Adult children need to make their own home. Not live in mine
Original poster
Mariearistocat · 08/12/2020 16:25

@Marylou62 they are 19 and 18

OP posts:
Eng123 · 08/12/2020 16:26

I hope I would never ask my children to leave.
As for saying 25 years at an absolute maximum! Why have children at all?
They leave when they are settled enough.

Lobsterquadrille2 · 08/12/2020 16:26

My DD is 23 and has always lived with me, as in her father has never been involved. She is more than tidy .... she is meticulous in every way. I do find it strange that she shows no desire to move out, and in my head I think 25 would be the maximum age. Don't get me wrong, I love her and we get on fine - but I'd quite like to have the space I haven't had for 23 years (apart from her time at university which we both liked, so not massively codependent).

Original poster
Mariearistocat · 08/12/2020 16:27

@Leaannb don’t want to sound goady but if that’s your view what were your reasons behind having children, also what would you have done if you had a child with a disability who was unable to live an independent life.

OP posts:
VinylDetective · 08/12/2020 16:30

Why have children at all?

To bring them up and equip them with the skills to be independent. And then encourage them to be exactly that.

giantangryrooster · 08/12/2020 16:31

Fully behind you. I suspect those most eager to get the little shits out of the house either don't have dc or very young ones. That or they are proud they have been independently living since they were 16 (I have seen this a lot on MN).

Nothing wrong with being a loving supportive family. That said, for the dc's own sake they should strive for independence at some point and not take the piss exploiting supportive parents.

MrDarcyismines · 08/12/2020 16:31

@Leaannb I have a feeling your children will jump before being pushed if that's your attitude.

olderthanyouthink · 08/12/2020 16:32

My parents charges me £300 rent and were pissed off when I said fuck it and moved out. MN suggested it was either totally fair or they were pushing me to get out of their house. Turns out they never really expected me to move out Hmm

I was 21 when I left, hardly unusual when peers were still "going home" in between uni

CoRhona · 08/12/2020 16:32

DC1 (18) is home from uni and it's been so lovely I definitely wouldn't kick him out.

Although the food bill has rocketed, he is a pleasure to have here and so grateful the cupboards are full of food Grin

MrDarcyismines · 08/12/2020 16:35

I was 21 when I left home. 10years later and have never been back! I didn't enjoy living at home though. I hope my children find the home I am creating for them safe, secure and comfortable. I hope to equip my children with the life skills of learning to be independent and of course saving as much money as possible so they don't need to rent.
I was 22 when I bought my first home without anyone's help. I hope my children can accomplish the same!

londonscalling · 08/12/2020 16:38

I'd love my kids to stay after 18. However, as they get older they need to be doing household chores!

AIMD · 08/12/2020 16:39

@Leaannb

“Its not their home. Its mine and my husband's. They only get to share until they can get a place of their own. Adult children need to make their own home. Not live in mine”

That’s so depressing. You seriously don’t consider your home to be your children’s home too? I mean obviously you own/lease the building but surely it’s their ‘home’ too?

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