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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Pushing DC to leave home

284 replies

Mariearistocat · 08/12/2020 15:59

Have name changed for this as looking at previous threads I am very much in the minority for my opinion.

I don’t understand this obsession with getting DC out of your house as quickly as possible. There seems to be some MN obsession that as soon as DC turn 18 they need to be looking for somewhere else to stay. I only ever see it on here, never in real life. The amount of responses i see on threads here about giving deadlines to make your DC move out.

Leave laundry on the floor. Chuck them out. Don’t wash their plate after dinner. Chuck the out. Spent money on what is deemed a frivolous item. Chuck them out. What happened to just having conversations with them and setting rules and boundaries and making sure that they are respected.

I don’t know if it’s a competition on how well someone child’s doing that they have moved out. I could never imagine asking my children to move out. They are late teens, paying rent and each have their own jobs to do and I have no issue with this continuing for however long they wished to stay here. This is their home too.

Am I the only one?

OP posts:

LindaEllen · 09/12/2020 10:00

@GalaxyCookieCrumble

My 3 all live at home and as I type this, the 20 and 21 year old have been up all night gaming despite having lectures in the morning!

I am in no rush to move them out, but often annoyed how loud they are!

This is a major problem for us. DSS sees no reason to be quiet, even though DP asks him to go to bed when we do - which isn't early, around midnight.

He will always be quiet for a while and then go back on the computer, which wakes us up. This happens multiple times a night.

He's 17 and supposed to be studying for his A Levels. DP has to be up at 7 to go to work, and doesn't need to be going into DSS's room at 1/2/3 in the morning to tell him to go to bed. If we turn the internet off, he turns it back on. We can't remove the computer as he does need it for college work. He's cleverer than us, tech-wise, and can get around everything we try. If he can't use the computer he will be on his phone talking to his friends, still very loud.

DP told him that when he's done his exams and got a job and his own place he can stay up until whenever he likes, but until then he has to go by our rules (and midnight is not an unreasonable time to go to bed, in fact I think it's far too late).

For this reason, unless he matures very quickly and gets over the late night gaming thing, him living with us into his mid twenties is not going to work. We need our sleep, and less stress/confrontation.

I'd never have challenged my parents if they asked me to be quiet at night.

BiBabbles · 09/12/2020 10:10

There are some situations that have been on some threads where a young adult has been taking the piss and walking over their parent(s)' generosity and that it may be better for all involved if the adult child is pushed to leave.

I don't think that an adult child remaining in the family house is always the easier, lazy option though. Where I'm from, its generally expected that one child - usually the youngest daughter - sticks around either in the home or living very closely nearby and helps with things as parents get older. My mother did that - we lived around the corner for most of my childhood, we lived with them for a while. My aunt did it on my father's side for a good 10 years after marriage, her husband worked for my grandfather, it was part of their arrangement. My younger sister has been doing it with our mother somehow. I think a lot of resilience and headfuckery can be built up in that situation (or in other situations where housing is provided), even if it's different stress to living on one's own.

I got kicked out at 15 by mother in one of her drug fueled rages, at 17 by my father who was badly hiding his debts. I've been living with my now-spouse since. Yes, I am kinda pleased to have immigrated at 17, but I don't think I'm more resilient just because I've been through shit. My oldest is now 16 and he's far more emotionally resilient that I was at his age, he doesn't have the 'well, my parents don't want me, why would anyone else?' emotional hairtrigger baggage hanging over his head that I did. Resilience comes from many factor - part of it coming out the other side of challenges, but those challenges need to be seen as worth it. Not all of them are, and the ones that aren't just tend to wear people down or messes with one's head.

And yes, the idea that disability makes us eternal children is disgusting. While children need care, needing care doesn't make one a child.

numbbycocomelon · 09/12/2020 10:19

My dc could stay with us as long as he wants. Of course boundaries and rules would exist and if he is earning enough, I will make sure he contributes. My parents had me in until I was 31 but I did live on my own from 18-27 for uni and work and moved back as I couldn't afford living on my own. They knew at their time with a regular job they were able to have a roof over their heads, pay bills and have food on the table and unfortunately for many people in my generation, that isn't possible even when you have a masters degree and years of experience at work. So I'm wondering if it's like this today, I wonder what it would be like for my sons generation in the future?

NastyBlouse · 09/12/2020 10:29

In my house growing up, there was a very clear rule; you were booted out when you were 16, unless you were doing A-levels in which case you left home once you'd done those (usually to go to uni). It happened to me and it happened to my five brothers too.

But that was 20 years ago and I think the world's changed a lot in that regard. The circumstances for young people now, especially financially and in job and housing terms, are so utterly shit and have been since the financial crash in 2007/8, really that I think a lot more families are planning for their kids to be living with them until their early 20s at least.

Psychologically, an element of nest-emptying does have to happen. That's why it's actually desirable for teenagers to push boundaries, by the way; all that rebelling is a psychological necessity to start distancing the child from their parents, and feel more able to lead an independent life. It's built into our biology.

ItMustBeBedtimeSurely · 09/12/2020 10:30

My children will have a home with us when they need it, but I hope they don't need it as adults. Living with us is just not want I want for them. I want them to have broad horizons, excitement, adventure, mistakes and resilience. They just won't experience life the same way living with us.

I will miss them though.

FortunesFave · 09/12/2020 10:34

I don't get it! I love mine. I don't care if they stay forever if they want to! As long as they're happy...that's all I care about.

miserableannie · 09/12/2020 10:48

I'm with you here. This will always be our children's home no matter their age. If they stay until they are 40 then that is no problem to us. If they come back and leave several times that's also absolutely fine by us. You don't stop being a parent when they turn 18

Littlebutload · 09/12/2020 10:49

I moved out of my parents house when I was 18 but returned for holidays and weekends and always felt welcome. It was lovely in my 20s knowing I always had the backup of a place in my parents house while I was in crap flats and temporary jobs. I am in my thirties now with my own home but I know if I needed to I could go back to my parents house. I think parents who kick there kids out never to return are mean

dontdisturbmenow · 09/12/2020 10:56

The other worry is kids living at home until they date, become serious and finally move out to live with their partner having never experienced living alone which can be scary the first time whatever the age.

We regularly read here post from women who are in an unhappy or abusive relationship saying that they prefer staying because they are too scared to live alone and all what it entails. I'd gate for my kids to be in this situation and would then to have the experience of living alone and seeing that it's ok.

JollyJingleJemima · 09/12/2020 10:59

There are very few reasons why any of my adult children will ever move back in with me

You're telling me @Leaannb 🤣

Leaannb · 09/12/2020 11:31

@JollyJingleJemima

There are very few reasons why any of my adult children will ever move back in with me

You're telling me @Leaannb 🤣

The only acceptable reasons is destruction of their home and they are having it rebuilt. My children jave had every opportunity. They will not leave my home broke and penniless. I have bought them all brand new cars when they turned 16, I have invested and saved carefully for their future, they own property as soon as they turn 18. My 5 yo pays income tax because she earns more than 1100 a month. There us absolutely no reason for them to not be living their own lives at 25. They should not be in my home, living by rules when they are have the means to do otherwise. They can come and visit but live with me is completely off the table. I will not enable bad behaviors.

vodkaredbullgirl · 09/12/2020 11:37

Mine are 23 and 21, eldest went to uni then came home again. I wont be kicking them out for a long time. They will probably leave on their own accord.

JollyJingleJemima · 09/12/2020 12:02

Ok I'll ask- why does your five year old earn £1100 a month?

Oh and my Dd bought her own car at 18, she hasn't had everything handed to her on a plate she's earned it herself but she, and my other dc, are welcome in OUR home whenever and forever.

AIMD · 09/12/2020 12:23

@Leaannb what I’d they have something like mental health issue or addiction or health needs and need moral, emotional, practical support rather than financial?

It sounds like your children are quite privileged financially so that much afford them more opportunity to be independent.

SoupDragon · 09/12/2020 12:26

I will not enable bad behaviors.

Apart from all the stuff you've handed them on a plate rather than them having had to work for it.

SoupDragon · 09/12/2020 12:27

When mine leave home it won't be because they've been handed wads of cash from mummy.

FortunesFave · 09/12/2020 12:28

My SIL has never left home. She's 50 now. I do think it's held her back but she's never felt able to...that's her choice and her parents. She seems happy enough.

Simplyunacceptable · 09/12/2020 12:30

I left home at 16. I realise I am in a small minority but I had to grow up quickly and learn to look after myself. My own experiences mean I honestly have no time for grown adults who act like babies. I know people around my age (30) who still live with their parents and act like teenagers. I can’t even fathom having no independence at this age, I’ve had it my whole adult life.

I’d never kick my children out but I like to think I’ve raised them in a way that will result in them naturally wanting to stand on their own two feet way before they reach 30.

JohnMcCainsDeathStare · 09/12/2020 12:36

Relationship breakdowns and job loss can happen as a result of bad behaviour but I've had both - would that somehow be bad behaviour anyway?

VinylDetective · 09/12/2020 12:39

@blackkitty1234

It almost feels that youngsters nowadays are missing a whole stage of life if they're going straight from their parents into a mortgage.

Correct. They're missing the shitty stage of life. My memories of this stage involve living in damp and mice infested flats, and paying a fortune for the privilege because that's all I could afford. And I won't even go into the nightmare flatmate I had. Would of happily skipped this stage if given the opportunity.

I lived in pretty awful flats but I had a whale of a time. It wasn’t even slightly shitty. I was drunk on having freedom and being able to do whatever I liked, when I liked. I look back on those years with huge affection and nostalgia. I lived with friends.

BadTattoosAndSmellLikeBooze · 09/12/2020 12:39

Oh no, the fantasist is back. 🤪🤪🤪

HmmSureJan · 09/12/2020 12:49

@SoupDragon

I will not enable bad behaviors.

Apart from all the stuff you've handed them on a plate rather than them having had to work for it.

NiceLegsShameAboutTheFace · 09/12/2020 12:49

Why have children at all?

It's a question that I've often mused over .....

VinylDetective · 09/12/2020 12:51

Are you talking to me?

NerrSnerr · 09/12/2020 12:58

@VinylDetective

Are you talking to me?

I think they're talking about the person whose 5 year old earns a wage.

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