Pushing DC to leave home

[Mariearistocat]

Have name changed for this as looking at previous threads I am very much in the minority for my opinion.

I don’t understand this obsession with getting DC out of your house as quickly as possible. There seems to be some MN obsession that as soon as DC turn 18 they need to be looking for somewhere else to stay. I only ever see it on here, never in real life. The amount of responses i see on threads here about giving deadlines to make your DC move out.

Leave laundry on the floor. Chuck them out. Don’t wash their plate after dinner. Chuck the out. Spent money on what is deemed a frivolous item. Chuck them out. What happened to just having conversations with them and setting rules and boundaries and making sure that they are respected.

I don’t know if it’s a competition on how well someone child’s doing that they have moved out. I could never imagine asking my children to move out. They are late teens, paying rent and each have their own jobs to do and I have no issue with this continuing for however long they wished to stay here. This is their home too.

Am I the only one?

... and contributing if possible

I think it’s very easy to say “I want them out by x age” if they’re young.

My DD and DS, 30 & 31 are both currently at home. They have both lived out of the home. DD was in a long term relationship that became quite abusive so she asked to come home. Would anyone say no in that situation? DS was working abroad and his contract came to an end just as Covid hit so it seemed the most sensible thing for him to come back for a while. Again would you say no in that situation?

We live in London and I couldn’t in all good conscience let them pay hundreds a month for a house share while I live in a big 4 bed house alone. They cook for themselves, do their own washing and other chores, I don’t “baby” them. They will move out again at some point. They have plans in life. But I’m not putting a time limit on it and as long as I am alive if they need to come home for any reason then they can.

I said this on another thread but i have grown up dc who live at home, they are welcome to stay as long as they want once we all get on well, they contribute to the household, and it doesn't impact on their or my social life. I am not sure that people with young dc can really know how they will feel when their dc are adults, in the same way that you don't really know what being a parent is like until you are one. I enjoy living in a family, the house being busy, the comings and goings, its what i am used to.

It’s when the take the piss that’s the response

My children age only 4 and 6. I envisage I would be happy for them to stay with me for as long as they want, so long as they are making a contribution to the household that’s inline with their age/ability. I’d hope they will live independently by the time they are mid20s at the latest. But I couldn’t imagine setting a time limit or trying to push them out unless I needed to for significant financial reasons or unless they were unpleasant or abusive.

I've heard it in real life too! Even when I turned 18 it was assumed by everyone but my family that I'd be moving out. All my peer's parents were looking forward to kicking them out at 18. I lived at home for uni and saved my maintenance loan and part time job wages to buy a house at 22. If my children want to do the same or stay here until they're 40 I wouldn't mind. It's sad that some parents don't have that compassion though and see parenthood as an 18 year situation. DH left home at 21 and had bought his second house and set up his own business by 22. I feel for the poor 18 year olds moving straight to uni and having to work shit jobs straight after graduating because they have no support and nowhere to go.

Mine didn't behave very well sooooo she left at 17.
Now at 19 has a lease with her BF of 4 years on a flat, they've sorted everything they need to, she's doing so well which tbh she wasn't at home.
It was the right thing, I love seeing her, I love how well they've done together, and they have a beautiful cat now too.
Sometimes them leaving is the best thing for them.

I'm 23 and will probably move out in the next 2-3 years. My parents are happy with me here and I'd hate to live in the sort of family that pushes children to leave as soon as possible.

I'm in my late 20s and still live at home. I feel ready to move out, and have a pretty decent deposit but I work a minimum wage, hourly paid job so I don't feel I have the job security just yet but the only reason I'm in that job is because I can't find any better paid ones I'm hoping maybe 2021 wil be the year my luck changes...

I would say though that everyone’s circumstances are different. Having one 20 year old and one 18 year old at home, living in a decent size house and being financially stable might well make it easier to have an older child remain at home. Whereas it might be harder for a large family in a small house, where money is limited to have a child continuing living there into adulthood.

With house prices like they are I imagine mine will be living with me forever!

It's a very sad idea of family to view your children as homeless burdens from the day they're born until the day you kick them out.

@Meruem

I think it’s very easy to say “I want them out by x age” if they’re young.

My DD and DS, 30 & 31 are both currently at home. They have both lived out of the home. DD was in a long term relationship that became quite abusive so she asked to come home. Would anyone say no in that situation? DS was working abroad and his contract came to an end just as Covid hit so it seemed the most sensible thing for him to come back for a while. Again would you say no in that situation?

We live in London and I couldn’t in all good conscience let them pay hundreds a month for a house share while I live in a big 4 bed house alone. They cook for themselves, do their own washing and other chores, I don’t “baby” them. They will move out again at some point. They have plans in life. But I’m not putting a time limit on it and as long as I am alive if they need to come home for any reason then they can.

You sound like a lovely parent. I hope when/if my dc are adults and move out that they always know that there is a place for them in my home if they ever need it.

DS is only 7 but I'll be happy with him living with me as long as he wants to, obviously he will have to contribute financially when he's working and do chores.

I felt pressure to move out early so I left home at 17 and as a result didn't manage to get on the property ladder until I was 29 and was skint all the time. I don't want that for DS, I want him to enjoy his youth.

@Eng123

I hope I would never ask my children to leave. As for saying 25 years at an absolute maximum! Why have children at all? They leave when they are settled enough.

They might not be your children, though.

I'd be happy to have either of my kids, and their kids, living with me. Do I feel the same about their partners? Not really, although I would accept it short term or if it was needed for another reason.

And what about step-children? They haven't been brought up with my tastes and attitudes, and don't share my/DH's standards or goals.

We have a back-to-the-nest 40-yo 'child' with depression - it's like having an annoying lodger who contributes very little help and can't be kicked out (because we already have one who has cut us dead for years and I won't hurt my DH any more). I do my best to be kind and pleasant, but if I wait until he's 'settled enough' he will be here until we both die.

I think it depends on how you "parent" them when they're living at home. There's a difference between 25, saving for a house deposit, contributing to bills and helping around the house and 35, unemployed and being babied. In 1 scenario you're helping your child develop life skills, in the other you'd be helping them more to ask them to leave.

I made the decision to have my kids. To bring them into this world and they can stay in our home for as long as they need, i would hope they would have there own family/home by 30 but if they didnt then i will support them for ever because i am the parent and i brought them into this world.

Thanks Marie..
Well I look at it like this..It is our job to bring up our DCs to live fulfilling, independent adult lives. I'm living this at the moment with my 24 year old son who joined the navy at 17, had his own place but has now been back for a few years..He's living rent free because he's saving for a place with his GF.
His DBro and DSis live independently both renting as can't afford to buy.
To be honest I had terrible empty nest but feel I can't wait for him to move out again..I think it is something that evolves..You can't imagine pushing them out of the nest but gradually realize they should be living independently, paying their own way and in my case cleaning their own bloody mess up when they've cooked their GF a 3 course meal!! (He's a chef)
But I'm patiently waiting for the day I can have a craft room again!

mereum lovely post and I feel exactly the same way.

OP, YANBU!

I hope I would never ask my children to leave

I hope I would never have to. Adults that don't want to leave home get too cushy a ride.

[quote MrDarcyismines]@Leaannb I have a feeling your children will jump before being pushed if that's your attitude.[/quote]
I agree. That quite a shocking and cold attitude isn’t it.

My DS is 24 and still at Uni so lives away during term time but home in the holidays. He's home now (earlier than he would normally due to Covid) so he could join us for Christmas. He is fully able and capable of living independently in spite of having an ASD diagnosis but he will be welcome to return here for the foreseeable future until he has a job and the means to set up his own home. The Government clearly expects parents to support their DCs well into adulthood by means testing student loans so I don't really understand why they should suddenly be leaving home and independent at 18. Even if they don't go down the Uni route and get a job, it takes time to build up a deposit to either buy or rent. I can't think of a single one of DS's peer group whose parents have forced them to leave home - they've either gone to Uni and not returned, moved out because they wanted to (and in some cases were helped financially by parents to do so) or they're still at home saving up for a deposit to buy a house.

8be an alternative plan. If they haven't left nd I want my space back I'll move out... save the inheritance tax too!

@user182639104

It's a very sad idea of family to view your children as homeless burdens from the day they're born until the day you kick them out.

It would be if that was in any way true. It’s very easy to say what you’ll do when your children are small, unless you’ve got a crystal ball you have no idea.

**I've