Pushing DC to leave home

[Mariearistocat]

Have name changed for this as looking at previous threads I am very much in the minority for my opinion.

I don’t understand this obsession with getting DC out of your house as quickly as possible. There seems to be some MN obsession that as soon as DC turn 18 they need to be looking for somewhere else to stay. I only ever see it on here, never in real life. The amount of responses i see on threads here about giving deadlines to make your DC move out.

Leave laundry on the floor. Chuck them out. Don’t wash their plate after dinner. Chuck the out. Spent money on what is deemed a frivolous item. Chuck them out. What happened to just having conversations with them and setting rules and boundaries and making sure that they are respected.

I don’t know if it’s a competition on how well someone child’s doing that they have moved out. I could never imagine asking my children to move out. They are late teens, paying rent and each have their own jobs to do and I have no issue with this continuing for however long they wished to stay here. This is their home too.

Am I the only one?

Would loved to have moved out earlier but time soon adds up...completed uni, worked for 6 months (living at home saving), then went backpacking for a year, then came home & immediately started saving for a house (couldn't have done that and paid rent). Luckily partner a couple of years older and had been saving longer, we finally scraped together enough for a deposit, waited for one house to fall though, find another, made it livable, and moved out at 27 (though only by buying in a cheaper area 45mins away, giving me over an hours commute each way to work). I was the first of my friends to buy a place. I live near London so the house prices are horrendous but still, good luck all of you thinking they'll be gone at 18!

If my 3 want to stay into adulthood I just hope we find the money to get them each their own bedroom. Other than that I hope they know they can come home wherever they need to and that it’s a safe and happy place for them.

My siblings and I have all moved back at some point (uni ending, break ups) and my parents have always been supportive but we all paid rent after a certain point.. which is totally fair enough, I don’t expect as an adult to be housed for free by my parents. Also, they want their space and their house! Totally fair enough. I don’t think they’d let me move back to save for a house. Why should they? while I still consider it my home, it is their house.

PlanDeRaccordement I half agree- for the adult child it is definitely economically better, but in the UK people rarely take any money from their children, or if they do it's a small amount, so the household actually continues to bear the cost of childrearing beyond childhood!

In many poorer countries, having an adult child who is economically active is a good thing as they bring a lot of money into the household and hand it over. My friend comes from a poorer country where you simply couldn't afford to heat another room just in case your adult child wanted to live in it, so any adult child living at home has to cover the costs of their heating, elec and food as a minimum, the household can't take the hit of having adult age but not really contributing adults.

I've just done a quick check and in our medium sized city there's nice double rooms to rent, all bills in for £500, I don't think that's so outrageously high most people on a wage could simply not afford that, or perhaps I am out of touch with what a single wage might be? That's what I was paying 25 years ago for a studio flat! It's different if the person is unemployed under 25 when I think benefits are stingy in the extreme, also deposits are quite high. I'll be giving mine a deposit though, not encouraging them to live in the spare room well into their twenties or thirties.

As for saying 25 years at an absolute maximum! Why have children at all?

Maybe because the clue is in the word "children". As another PP said, I don't want to house share with adults indefinitely (and that's coming from someone who happens to have two back home at the moment!)

I do agree though that house deposits are outrageously high now and so the chances of saving if you are paying a lot out in rent must be really reduced.

I still want my children to have fun though, living independently, going out, having sex lives, meeting people and I just feel that staying at home rather inhibits some of this stuff, or perhaps everyone treats it like a flat share and it's all fine.

What i think is also an interesting point is that i have seen some DC move out but still be extremely reliant on their parents for things like childcare, financial help, DIY etc. Are they really so much more independent than those who live at home? I have a friend who moved out after Uni, into a flat her parents had bought. If anything went wrong with the flat her dad fixed it. If she was short of money one month her parents helped out, etc etc. She’s nearly 40 now and has never had to stand on her own two feet. Yes, to look at her she’s been independent since her early 20’s except she hasn’t really. Her brother lives at home and she slates him for it. But has he actually “taken” more than her? I don’t think you can measure independence solely by where someone lives.

Those of you who are treating your children like lodgers, confuse the life out of me.

Did a switch turn on when they hit 19/20 and they were no longer your child, just another 'adult' and a burden?

How absolutely peculiar. Bloody pleased you aren't my parents. Selfish IMO

My parents couldn't wait to see the back of me, I was gone by just turned 18. Uni was never offered as a possibility for me and as such I spent my twenties in crappy, dead end office jobs and multiple house shares. Buying a house felt completely out of reach and not for the likes of me. I've been very lucky to get decent social housing in a good area and so am able to provide a secure home for my children who I support in their education and make it clear they'll be able to stay with me as long as they need to. Every thing I do is to support them in achieving and I desperately hope they'll either go to uni or formally train in the occupation of their choice and I will do everything in my power to make that happen. I won't be able to give deposits though and I feel like I have failed as a parent because of that, but it is what it is.

I don't understand MNetters who insist their children should be gone and supporting themselves ASAP. I so needed guidance and support, which I never got and my whole life has been the poorer for it. I love my kids, they're the nicest people I have ever known, I love living with them and feel lucky that I get to. Why would I be shoving them out the door before they're ready? They're 14 and 17.

@Leaannb

Your posts disgust me.

I wouldn't force my children to move out but I'm in my 30s, moved out to go to university and never went back. My husband and I (before we were married) basically moved around the country, moving jobs/ courses and had a whale of a time. Basically partying, weekends away and work. I did work a stupid amount of hours to save up for a house deposit but understand it's not as 'easy' for many youngsters (we only bought our house 6 years ago when we had our eldest).

It would be nice if my children could afford to have some independence before they settle down. If they want to live at home they can but they may not even work in our local area- we certainly have never had jobs anywhere near any of our family.

So just wondering. People who don’t expect to support their children beyond adulthood....you aren’t expecting them to support you in your adulthood either then? Won’t be asking them to take you to appointments when you can’t drive due to illness or help you move furniture when you downsize etc.

@Poppingnostopping

I do agree though that house deposits are outrageously high now and so the chances of saving if you are paying a lot out in rent must be really reduced.

I still want my children to have fun though, living independently, going out, having sex lives, meeting people and I just feel that staying at home rather inhibits some of this stuff, or perhaps everyone treats it like a flat share and it's all fine.

I agree with this. I just couldn't imagine having as much fun as I did as a young adult if I was living at home.

Maybe I need to win the premium bonds or something so I can provide a huge deposit when they're ready to buy a house so they won't need to save in their 20s!

@user1487194234

The only time I have seen this in real life is when there is a step parent

When I was 15 my bitch of a step mother told me the house wasn’t big enough for two women. She couldn’t get rid of me quickly enough.

I loved having my two children living at home. I never pushed them to leave. My eldest was a boomerang child. Left to go to uni then returned several times due to being out of work, relationships not working out, etc. Always welcome too come back. Eventually left at the age of 30, three years ago. She needed to live nearer to work and buying was cheaper than renting. My son is 24 and bought his house a year ago at the age of 23 as he wanted his own place. I didn't want him to go and miss him terribly.

@Leaannb What an absolute delight you sound. I'd imagine your children are chomping at the bit to be rid of YOU, never mind you of them.

@Poppingnostopping
I agree with you too. I think if housing crisis in U.K. deepens and goes on for another generation, it will be to the point that adult children living with parents will be contributing significant amounts to the financial needs of the household. Right now, the parents on final salary pensions with the 4-5 bed mortgage free homes can afford to have adult children live with them and not contribute more than a token amount. But fast forward another twenty years if the housing crisis is still in full swing, the parents then won’t be on final salary pensions, the mortgage may not be paid off or it’s a rental not an owned home, and yes the adult children will be contributing a lot more financially.
It’s not the majority now, but a minority are already living like this. Many parents literally cannot afford to have an adult child at home that doesn’t pay them “rent and board”. Other parents have to downsize as they reach a much poorer retirement with no final salary pension he so there is no room for an adult child. Only a sofa to stay on for a few weeks at most.

*If you’ve bought your kids up well, there doesn’t really have to be rules as such. My kids are 17 and 12 and don’t need rules. They’re fully functioning people and we all respect each other. Our eldest is at college, comes and goes as he wants, he respects us and his home. Both kids do stuff that needs doing in the house. They already understand that we all have to be considerate of each other, it’s not really rules.

Our home will always be their home. Equally when they’re ready to move out, we’ll be very happy for them.*

Exactly.

I don't have "rules"- no more than I would do for my OH.
Because I rasied kids who respect me.
The teenage years were easy because everyone in the family had respect for each other and feelings.

HmmSureJan

You sound absolutely lovely. Your children are very lucky to have a mum like you. 💐

I think maybe OP if your own children are younger you might not have been exposed to the horror stories that emerge once they get to their mid to late twenties when their parents are hoping they will be independent and basically the adult child has got so comfortable paying a nominal or no rent, not having to do all their own chores, not having to do the admin that comes with being independent eg setting up bills, house repairs, dealing with landlords etc that they basically assume it’s fine for them to be there forever. I think also a lot of adult children regress slightly when at home over a period of time and start to rely too much on their parents, having teenage style sulks and arguments when crossed or told to do something differently etc. A lot of parents go into this with your mindset and it’s only 2-10+ years later when they’re dealing with an ungrateful adult child acting like they’re still 17 just with a lot more money that they realise that their plan to “help out” their adult child has actually backfired massively and you could even argue has undermined their job as a parent which is to prepare your child to live an independent adult life.

Our oldest child won't be 18 for another 10 years but we have already decided that none of them will be pushed to move out, why would we want rid of them ASAP?
If they are working and paying their share then they can stay if that's what they want to do.
Can't understand people wanting rid of their kids, it's not like they'll stop you doing anything, they'll be adults!

I will add that my mum pushed me to move out when I was 15 so she could be with her new boyfriend!

And I say that as someone with two adult siblings living at home in their late twenties who have come and gone due to work and education and it’s been just fine. I also spent 6 months at my parents this year due to Covid - it worked fine and we all loved it but I still think it’s naive to think if you want to help out and you like your kids that’s all there is to it and it will work out fine. It’s important to think about long term incentives and what actually benefits the adult child the most - letting someone stay so they are “saving” for a deposit when they are a spendthrift and someone who avoids all chores where possible is very different to someone coming back for a few months while they find their own place or who is paying you rent for you to save for their deposit for example.

@bp300

Yes definitely, it is madness to move out before they've saved up a house deposit at least.

It's this ^ I find weird. What's the obsession with owning a ruddy house?!

Leave laundry on the floor. Chuck them out. Don’t wash their plate after dinner. Chuck the out. Spent money on what is deemed a frivolous item. Chuck them out

Never seen this tbh and I've been here a while.

Personally I see nothing wrong with staying children staying in the family home till they settle down/marry if they want to. It's quite common in the culture I grew up in and I know my mum and all 3 of her siblings stayed in the family home until they were in their mid to late 20s and settled down or went to study abroad.

Personally I would have stayed living with my mother until my late 20s if she had lived in the UK and it was possible.