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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pushing DC to leave home

284 replies

Mariearistocat · 08/12/2020 15:59

Have name changed for this as looking at previous threads I am very much in the minority for my opinion.

I don’t understand this obsession with getting DC out of your house as quickly as possible. There seems to be some MN obsession that as soon as DC turn 18 they need to be looking for somewhere else to stay. I only ever see it on here, never in real life. The amount of responses i see on threads here about giving deadlines to make your DC move out.

Leave laundry on the floor. Chuck them out. Don’t wash their plate after dinner. Chuck the out. Spent money on what is deemed a frivolous item. Chuck them out. What happened to just having conversations with them and setting rules and boundaries and making sure that they are respected.

I don’t know if it’s a competition on how well someone child’s doing that they have moved out. I could never imagine asking my children to move out. They are late teens, paying rent and each have their own jobs to do and I have no issue with this continuing for however long they wished to stay here. This is their home too.

Am I the only one?

OP posts:
Nottherealslimshady · 08/12/2020 16:59

If they're being respectful and growing up then by all means let them stay. But if they're not then they need to move out from under mummy's wing.

Most adults living at home with their parents aren't very mature. I always felt weird being around people my age who still lived with their parents, it was like hanging out with teenagers.

We've discussed it in depth and we are in a fortunate position to havea good amount of property. We will either put them in a flat of ours on low rent so they can save for a house or by that time have a "granny flat" on our property for them to have independence while saving for a house.

I don't think all families can live together into adulthood though. Great if it works for you. But if it's not working then they need to leave.

Marylou62 · 08/12/2020 17:00

I also think it depends on the sort of relationship you have with them.
My friend threw her 18 yr old DC out because they fought constantly, refused to work and contribute. She had younger DC too. On the other hand my widowed friend lives quite happily with her 28 year old DC, sharing all housework, cooking and bills.

Cassimin · 08/12/2020 17:01

My oldest left aged 28 my youngest are 23, still at home and showing no signs of leaving. We also have 13 year old foster child who I expect will still be here well into their 20s.
I love that they all love their home.
When they decide to go I will be fully behind them and will help them as much as I can.
Our house is a family home, we all have the same rights to live in it.
They didn’t ask to live here or to be born, that was our choice.
When they leave education they are expected to help financially.

riotlady · 08/12/2020 17:02

YANBU, I hope I still enjoy having my DD around when she’s in her 20s and she’s welcome to stay living with us if she wants. My mum told me I wasn’t allowed back after uni, surprise surprise we are not that close.

BailarLaBamba · 08/12/2020 17:03

It's largely cultural, I believe. But I also think that culture is changing quite quickly, due to the rising costs of renting/buying a house. People are obviously living at their parents' for longer these days, but those parents are often from a generation that was encouraged to move out and become independent – and most importantly, could more often afford to do so – meaning they maintain those values and want their kids to do the same.

I come from a country where almost everyone just lives with their parents until they get married, at which point they move in with their husband/wife. So adults living with their parents is totally normal. Parents never charge their children rent to teach them life lessons or anything like that, although grown up children with jobs obviously contribute if there is a mortgage or rent to pay. It's just the culture there, presumably stemming at least in part from the fact that the national history is of not being able to afford to move out just for the sake of it as soon as you turn 18.

If property is not cheaply available, it just makes sense to stay at home until you need the space to start your own family. Since affordability in the UK is moving backwards, the decision to do that is becoming more and more culturally accepted and "normal".

Mabelface · 08/12/2020 17:07

My son is 28 and lives with me since splitting with his ex. He's here for as long as he needs to be. We get on well, he looks after himself and we share chores. He'll move out when he's able and I'm cool with that, however long it takes.

Leaannb · 08/12/2020 17:18

[quote Mariearistocat]@Leaannb don’t want to sound goady but if that’s your view what were your reasons behind having children, also what would you have done if you had a child with a disability who was unable to live an independent life.[/quote]
My goal in having children is to raise responsible adults and that means not loving with your parents forever.. Yes I do think that adult children living with their parents until middle to late twenties is them taking the piss. No one lives for free. Not sure what a handicapped child who cannot live independently has to do with anything. They are still children no what age they are

TicTacTwo · 08/12/2020 17:29

I've seen the other extreme too- people who still get monthly pocket money from parents or have them doing full-time childcare for free yet having the gumption to complain.

Personally I expect my kids to live here while at University then leave maybe 2-3 years later once they have some savings?

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 08/12/2020 17:29

Our dds are long grown up and have their own homes, but as far as I’m concerned, this will always be their home, too.

user182639104 · 08/12/2020 17:30

It would be if that was in any way true. It’s very easy to say what you’ll do when your children are small, unless you’ve got a crystal ball you have no idea.

Interesting then that you would comment with such confidence on the truth of my life experiences. Hmm

Calabasa · 08/12/2020 17:31

YANBU.

But i do think its a lot to do with the kind of dynamic. I live with Mom, came back here after escaping an abusive marriage.. but having lived in/ran my own house for 16 years, i'm a fully functioning adult and do my own chores (And help mom out a lot as she has health issues.. i've essentially stepped into what my Dad used to do with admin/maintenance/taxi kind of stuff for her.)

But even before that, my parents always had a 'this will always be your home' attitude and made it clear we'd always be welcome if it we needed a place to live.

I can understand why some parents want to eject lazy/freeloading kids who still act like small children when they're 100% capable of living an independent life.

BailarLaBamba · 08/12/2020 17:34

Yes, in my country where people generally live at home until they're married, and don't pay them rent unless they really have to, they still turn out just fine as mature, independent adults capable of managing their finances and taking care of their home and family. In the millions. So yes, it's cultural differences. There's nothing wrong with that. It's silly to say one group of people are doing things their way to provide the best for their children, because it implies the other group isn't doing the same. Really, you're just doing that because that's what most other people around you do and have historically done.

Heartlantern2 · 08/12/2020 17:40

Having 3 children at home is different to having 3 adults in the home.

I hope mine have left by 25, that’s the cut off.

My BIL still lives at home with his mum, successful job wise, but in my opinion not life wise, his 29 and still lives at home with mummy, never had a girlfriend and doesn’t have a car, he goes nowhere and does nothing.

Bella43 · 08/12/2020 17:42

My children can stay as long as they like but as soon as they're 16 they'll have to find a weekend/part-time job alongside what ever they choose to study. If they're not studying, they'll have to get a full-time job. I'm a single mother so I wouldn't be able to support them with my job alone.

I had a job at 16. I loved having my own money and helping my parents out with bills/rent. It's also a great confidence builder 😊

Macncheeseballs · 08/12/2020 17:43

Is it a limitless age op, or do you have a cut off? will you feel the same in 10 years time if they are both still with you?

RaspberryCoulis · 08/12/2020 17:43

My oldest is almost 18, he is in his last year of school and is applying to uni to start next year. He was looking at moving away but the horrendous experience which freshers had this year has really put him off, so he'll be staying at home. It's a 5 year Masters course (we are in Scotland), so he'll be 23 when he finishes. He may move away at that point but who knows.

I'm fairly relaxed about the whole thing, I didn't like feeling forced to apply to Unis away from home when I was 18 as my parents were determined it was "character building" and I should move away, like they did. I was back and forward between home and Uni until I graduated, then finally did move away.

My kids know that this is THEIR HOME and it's here for as long as they need it. Whether they intend to move at 18, 25 or any other age.

VinylDetective · 08/12/2020 17:46

@user182639104

It would be if that was in any way true. It’s very easy to say what you’ll do when your children are small, unless you’ve got a crystal ball you have no idea.

Interesting then that you would comment with such confidence on the truth of my life experiences. Hmm

I didn’t. It was the generic “you”. I could equally have said “one” but it’s a bit pretentious.
Chimeraforce · 08/12/2020 17:48

I'd like my child to move out between 18 and 25.
We will be like 2 rutting stags. It's not natural to live with other adults.
I want my life back.

Porcupineinwaiting · 08/12/2020 17:51

A period away from home helps the relationship develop to a healthy adult:adult relationship imo. And time living with others can also be really helpful in teaching people how to live like a grown up in shared accommodation (hint: not like you're a child with mummy and daddy to pick up after you and pay for everything). Likewise a period when you dont know where your precious child is, what they're eating, whether they are getting enough sleep, is useful for parents to reset the relationship too. So I think it's an important stage of growing up actually. Maybe not everyone needs this but I suspect a lot do, hence the examples you quote.

Original poster
Mariearistocat · 08/12/2020 17:52

@Macncheeseballs no I don’t have a cut off age, if they were still here it wouldn’t bother me. I do have a firm rule that no partners are allowed to move in.

My aunt never left home, had nothing to do with financial issues just never found anyone, but when my grandparents were alive it meant that she was in a position to care for them and look after them. I think they would have all been a bit isolated on their own so it made sense for them to continue living together and there was benefits on both side.

OP posts:
Leaannb · 08/12/2020 17:54

@Heartlantern2

Having 3 children at home is different to having 3 adults in the home.

I hope mine have left by 25, that’s the cut off.

My BIL still lives at home with his mum, successful job wise, but in my opinion not life wise, his 29 and still lives at home with mummy, never had a girlfriend and doesn’t have a car, he goes nowhere and does nothing.

That is completely unacceptable...Can you say failure to launch?
Macncheeseballs · 08/12/2020 17:55

So you'd be happy for your kids to stay single all their lives, live with you and look after you

RuthW · 08/12/2020 17:58

Dd left at 18 and came back after uni at 22. She's 24 now and no plans to leave even though she has a deposit for a house. Really though it's more like a house share and she pays her own way. It's just the two of us.

BeyondMyWits · 08/12/2020 17:58

I moved out from my parents house at 16, couldn't stand living in that hellhole any more. (and I call it "my parents house" - because that was always what it was, it was not "home")

DD19 moved out at 18 to live with her boyfriend. No room here for them to live together (she shared a room with her sister, her sister would have complained... Grin), so he was the catalyst of her leaving - she moved into a room in a shared house with him, then to a flat at uni.

DD18 - I cannot see her leaving, she is a homebody, but will hopefully be off to uni in the summer for a bit, spread her wings...

We are all different people, all depends how we rub along together.

Miamarshmallows · 08/12/2020 17:58

Know a good few adult kids who all live at home. Who cares? If the parents are happy with it and the adult kids are pulling their weight then nobody should comment.
House prices are astronomical in our area and coronavirus will certainly mean more adult kids are at home for longer. It is a lot more difficult now then back in the 80's.