Pushing DC to leave home

[Mariearistocat]

Have name changed for this as looking at previous threads I am very much in the minority for my opinion.

I don’t understand this obsession with getting DC out of your house as quickly as possible. There seems to be some MN obsession that as soon as DC turn 18 they need to be looking for somewhere else to stay. I only ever see it on here, never in real life. The amount of responses i see on threads here about giving deadlines to make your DC move out.

Leave laundry on the floor. Chuck them out. Don’t wash their plate after dinner. Chuck the out. Spent money on what is deemed a frivolous item. Chuck them out. What happened to just having conversations with them and setting rules and boundaries and making sure that they are respected.

I don’t know if it’s a competition on how well someone child’s doing that they have moved out. I could never imagine asking my children to move out. They are late teens, paying rent and each have their own jobs to do and I have no issue with this continuing for however long they wished to stay here. This is their home too.

Am I the only one?

Maybe it's a generational thing.

In our house during the 70s & 80s it was made very clear, once you turned 18 and family allowance stopped, you left and weren't expected to return.

It was made gradually less comfortable and more expensive if you tried to hang around. I didn't mind at all. I was ready to leave.

I agree, I want my children to stay for as long as they want, into their 20's and even 30's if they want.
I do however expect them to treat the house with respect, help with chores and when they can afford to, help with rent and bills.
They can pick their own clothes up, help cook meals and do household chores at a young age, no need to bring up spoiled entitled brats. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Also I hate the smug

'Well I moved out at 16. I am SO much more mature than my loser cousin who is unemployed and still living at home.'
I know of someone who is 27 and at home and she is very mature. Much more so than the ones who have moved out early and think they are oh so grown up.

Would never ask mine to leave

The only time I have seen this in real life is when there is a step parent

It's not natural to live with other adults

That's one of the most ridiculous things I've ever read on mumsnet. And that's really saying something.

My step brother is 35 and still lives with his mum and my dad. He is lazy and spoilt and will never move out.

I don’t get it either, it’s quite sad to want them gone.

I suspect many don’t want to fund them once state help stops.

Mine will always be welcome regardless of age. I’d rather they moved out when ready not because they get to a certain age.

So I think it's an important stage of growing up actually. Maybe not everyone needs this but I suspect a lot do

Given that there are entire countries where the vast majority of people move out in their 20s or later, yet they still manage to sustain social cohesion and keep their national economies afloat, suggests it's very very far from essential to move out earlier.

And so? There are entire countries that sustain their economies and social cohesion based on child labour and the exploitation of migrant workers. Doesnt mean that's what I want for me and mine.

I think it makes a difference depending on what you house/flat is like, if you like in a place that is 1 small kitchen, 1 bathroom, sitting room and then 2/3 bedrooms it's probably less comfy having more adults around than if you add bigger rooms in general, more living rooms and bathrooms and spread out bedrooms.

I've always felt like I left home at 11, when I was sent to boarding school. (only me, the other three got to stay at home). When I came back, it was made pretty clear to me that I was outstaying my welcome.

With each of my own children, my approach is slightly(!) different. Son One is training in a trade and would benefit from his own place, so he can be closer to work and also have a proper social life. I am helping hm to plan for that and giving advice etc, but in no way will he be pushed out. He has to share with his brother, which will probably be what makes him finally leave. They are very close, but their room is on the small side!
Son Two is planning to study something I don't understand (he's very keen in bioscience), so he will effectively leave home at 18, with periods back here as and when required. There are no jobs for him where we live, so sadly it's likely he will have to live fairly far from us.
Son Three wants to be either a joiner or a fisherman and also to run the family farm. So he will probably stay and eventually we will move out.
Son Four is only nine, so hasn't decided, but definitely not farming material, so I have no idea what he will do, but he will get whatever support we can give him. Mostly, we see it as our job to support them in getting where they want to be. We'll work it out between us, just like everything else.

@Porcupineinwaiting

And so? There are entire countries that sustain their economies and social cohesion based on child labour and the exploitation of migrant workers. Doesnt mean that's what I want for me and mine.

Ok. I never said anything about what you want. I said that it's not at all necessary, in response to you saying "I think it's an important stage of growing up actually. Maybe not everyone needs this but I suspect a lot do". (That's why I quoted that part of your post in my post).

I knew I was on borrowed time from the age of 10.

Got to 16 and the panic started. She was making noises about changing the locks and, in any case, she'd been married with a baby by 17 so why I was expecting to be kept through college when I should have got a job.

Got to 19 and it was relentless. So I found the one way I'd be able to move out (one way because she took all but my bus fare to work to make it more uncomfortable for me).

DD was born 10 months later.

It's all very well expecting children to have a job from 16 onwards but where and how? It's not the 1970's any more. That and having a summer birthday was the kiss of death - so one £2 hour job for me from 17 onwards (pre NMW)...

Our children have all had the same message that I had. Or home is their home for as long as they need it and whenever they might need it in the future. That is entirely natural in normal families. It is not a generational thing either; plenty of young adults in the 80s lived at home, but were probably less demanding of their own way,

Apart from the youngest, they have their own homes now and are happily settled and looking forward to the future, but if they need to return for any reason they (and their partners or future families) will always be welcome. That can be anything from being between houses on moving, illness that we can help with, separation or storming out in a fit of pique, holiday, a fire or flood - whatever. Our home is their home until we can no longer live here or die.

MitziK That must have sucked - I hope you are low contact with her now?
I won't be kicking my DSs out any time soon but I suspect they will want to go to university so they will be 'bungie adults' for some time yet, give how unstable early adulthood is with housing and careers. If we move I want to make sure that there is room for both of them if they need it.

It is not a generational thing either; plenty of young adults in the 80s lived at home

Plenty may have done but it is generational in that it is much more common now. There has definitely been a cultural shift over the last few decades. The average age that children move out now is much higher than it was 10, 20 and 30 years ago.

My son is almost 20 and he can live with me as long as he likes. If he wants to move out that is fine, but I wouldn't never make him until he is ready.

1. as an 18 year old I was desperate for my independence from my parents, so I struggle to understand why a young person age 20+ would want to continue living in someone else's house where they are subject to someone else's rules and decisions

2. I had a few friends who in their twenties used the availability of free accomodation at home to effectively defer adulthood, shirking taking on any responsibilities. Without exception, those friends are all now worse off as adults. When they eventually decided to grow up, move out and support themselves, they were several years behind the rest of us in progressing a career, saving for a home.

Financial stability isnt everything but it does help in life, and being too dependent on parents can prevent some young people from developing important life skills and.... you know, growing up.

I think because mumsnet is full of mothers with younger children.

They don't really grasp how it feels to have a 19/22 year old.

They think they are experts because they were that age once-full of advice but actually no experience of mothering a young adult.

@BailarLaBamba

It's not natural to live with other adults

That's one of the most ridiculous things I've ever read on mumsnet. And that's really saying something.

Yes I got to agree

I think it depends on what the household is like, to be honest. Some parents get on very well with their children and would therefore live in harmony with them for as long as needed. Others clash, and become much closer when they no longer live together.

For me, I think it's fine for kids to stay rent free until they graduate from university (or finish sixth form and get a job if they don't go to uni). However, when they are in the house, they are expected to pull their weight, i.e. do their share of the washing up, keep the place tidy, do their washing and ironing, pick things up from the shops - whatever works, so long as it's a fair portion of the chores. What I wouldn't allow is a lazy young adult living for free but living like a 10yo.

Once education is completed they'd be given a fair amount of time to get a job and then they'd be expected to contribute financially, too. My mum used to take £100/month off me when I had graduated (I did the food shopping twice a month as well), and that was great, as it taught me responsibility, helped her out, but still let me save a lot of money.

I wouldn't have a child past their early twenties living like a teenager under my roof, sorry. Other than anything else, it's not good for them!

I want my kids to leave because it's my job as their parent to make them independent. I want them to have opportunities and broad horizons. I want them to explore and have more fun than they'd have living with me. And I want them to know that the second that they need something they can come back. I'm going to cry now because I really just want to barricade the door and keep them forever.