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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask DH to ask his mum to stop?

162 replies

StarBarsTheBomb · 08/12/2020 15:46

Firstly I want to start by saying I love my MIL, this really isn't intended to be a MIL bashing thread. She is a nice person, I just don't think she realises that she's upsetting me. In fact I know she doesn't, because she wouldn't want to.

But equally I don't know if I'm just being a bloody baby and need to get over it!!

Anyway, me and DH are having a baby very soon. He recently told his mum the name we had chosen, I'd have preferred him not to but he wanted to so fine.

Anyway, ever since then every single time we speak to her she tells us we 'must change that name', 'you can't do that', 'noooo, you can't call them that' etc... Like relentlessly.

The name is very very normal, it is not out there or strange or uncommon. But apparently together with our surname it sounds like something funny... (It doesn't).

Honestly, if we genuinely thought it did sound like this I'd agree but it doesn't, it's a stretch to even get it to sound like what she's implying.

I ended up telling my mum and my aunt who hands down would honestly tell me the truth if they agreed but they were just as confused as me and said they never would have thought it sounded like that.

AIBU to mention it to DH and ask him to ask his mum to drop it now? It's always said in a jokey way but it's starting to bug me.

OP posts:
Ferrari458 · 08/12/2020 15:50

Maybe speak up for yourself next time. Not too rude, but to the point "OK, I need you to stop making these comments about the baby's name now. That is the name we've chosen and it's not a joking matter. I'm sure you don't mean to, but you're really upsetting me."

Thatwentbadly · 08/12/2020 15:51

Ask DH to get her to stop or do it yourself. If you don’t it will put strain on your relationship with her.

Original poster
StarBarsTheBomb · 08/12/2020 15:52

@Ferrari458

Maybe speak up for yourself next time. Not too rude, but to the point "OK, I need you to stop making these comments about the baby's name now. That is the name we've chosen and it's not a joking matter. I'm sure you don't mean to, but you're really upsetting me."
Damn, I knew you were going to suggest I tell her myself haha. I am so bad with confrontation, I would much rather wimp out and get DH to do it 🤣
OP posts:
hansgrueber · 08/12/2020 15:54

Is there any way in which the combination of names could cause embarrassment for your child in the future? I've had pupils where the names are inadvertantly funny, or worse still become notorious in years to come!

VinylDetective · 08/12/2020 15:56

I think you’re right. Ask your husband to put her back in her box. It will come better from him and she’s more likely to listen.

Want2beme · 08/12/2020 15:57

Tell her you've run it past a few people and they're puzzled by her point of view. Then tell her that's definitely going to be the name, and to say no more about it.

Kissthepastrychef · 08/12/2020 15:57

The only way to tell is by posting the name.

Why do people post about baby names without putting the name

Original poster
StarBarsTheBomb · 08/12/2020 15:57

@hansgrueber

Is there any way in which the combination of names could cause embarrassment for your child in the future? I've had pupils where the names are inadvertantly funny, or worse still become notorious in years to come!
I really don't think so and neither does DH or my mum and aunt (the only people we've told).

It's not even the full name and our surname. It's the first letter of the first name, with our full surname that she thinks sounds like something.

So like X Surname.

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 08/12/2020 15:58

He even has justification for not telling her stuff in advance "Mum, I'm not talking about this with you as last time you didn't half bang on about it. The baby will be called Xxx whether you like it or not. Stop going on about it"

Calmandmeasured1 · 08/12/2020 15:58

YABU by not telling her yourself. You're an adult, fgs. Just do it now. It'll be good practice for if she starts encroaching on boundaries once you have had your baby.

HopeAndDriftWood · 08/12/2020 15:59

I'd want DH to do it too, but I think you run the risk of it creating a bit of an atmosphere with MIL then... because if she's nice, she'll be worried that she's upset you, and that she didn't get the chance to apologise, and it'll make it weird for you all.

In the Summer the in-laws saw me holding a baby, cue ENDLESS comments on whether we were practising and if we had news etc. In the end I was DYING, and willing DH to say something... and he didn't, so I did. I was nice and normal and just said that we aren't ready right now, and the constant questioning was making me pretty uncomfortable. It was okay! And they didn't do it again.

Next time, just ask her to stop. You can do it nicely, without rehearsing or anything - just tell her. And if needs be, agree with DH beforehand that if she argues, he's taking over - but I'd bet you anything she won't. If she's a nice person, she'll stop.

I think my MIL just had a strong idea of what she thought her son's life would be like, and we haven't quite matched it.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 08/12/2020 16:00

Ah ok so if the name was Charlie Hatty it would look like Chatty.

It's very tenuous and not something I would let put me off a name unless it was a swear word.

Sam Hit or Billy Astard.

Justmuddlingalong · 08/12/2020 16:00

Don't change the name unless you and DH want to. She named her kids. You name yours. It's bugger all to do with her and the fact that she commented is rude.

ZenNudist · 08/12/2020 16:00

Lesson learned dont tell people the names you choose for your dc until its a done deal. Otherwise they criticise and it's hurtful.

I'd be really firm if she says anything else. She has had her chance to name her own dc. It's yours and dh's turn now. So she won't necessarily like the same thing as you. Tough.

GabriellaMontez · 08/12/2020 16:01

If shes so thick skinned to keep on saying this, then speak up. Look on it as good practice for when you have the baby and you need to speak up for yourself.

It's not confrontation it's just a normal response to her comments. She cant imagine her words will have no consequences.

Original poster
StarBarsTheBomb · 08/12/2020 16:01

Ah ok so if the name was Charlie Hatty it would look like Chatty

Yep that's it. So very rare that someone will even say the name that way to even notice (which most wouldn't anyway imo).

OP posts:
Gensola · 08/12/2020 16:01

Well if you’re called Mrs Anchor and you’re calling your son William, I think she has a point... I am a teacher and kids seize on these sort of things. Without knowing the specifics I think it’s hard to say but appreciate it is outing to share them on here!

Original poster
StarBarsTheBomb · 08/12/2020 16:02

Lesson learned dont tell people the names you choose for your dc until its a done deal

I would have preferred not to, it was DH unfortunately!

OP posts:
AndcalloffChristmas · 08/12/2020 16:02

I really hate it when people won’t let something drop and have to go on forever unless and until they get their way.

Original poster
StarBarsTheBomb · 08/12/2020 16:03

@Gensola

Well if you’re called Mrs Anchor and you’re calling your son William, I think she has a point... I am a teacher and kids seize on these sort of things. Without knowing the specifics I think it’s hard to say but appreciate it is outing to share them on here!
🤣 I do understand that but it really isn't like that.
OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 08/12/2020 16:03

I presume she's also want to have an opinion on being called gran, granny, nana etc. It's not all about her, so you're well within reason to pull her up on it.

SoupDragon · 08/12/2020 16:04

@StarBarsTheBomb

Ah ok so if the name was Charlie Hatty it would look like Chatty

Yep that's it. So very rare that someone will even say the name that way to even notice (which most wouldn't anyway imo).

There will be many times the name will appear as, say, "A Dragon" though.
Original poster
StarBarsTheBomb · 08/12/2020 16:04

And I'm sorry I am going to be a pain and not share the name here just in case!

OP posts:
jessstan1 · 08/12/2020 16:04

Why ask your husband to speak to her, speak to her yourself. The two names together may strike a chord with your mother in law that you don't know anything about but she will have to accept your choice and get used to it.

Just be straightforward.

dazzlinghaze · 08/12/2020 16:05

So she would want you to rule out any name beginning with that letter? Madness. Tell her you're not changing the name so stop going on about it. Or tell DH to do it.

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