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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask DH to ask his mum to stop?

162 replies

StarBarsTheBomb · 08/12/2020 15:46

Firstly I want to start by saying I love my MIL, this really isn't intended to be a MIL bashing thread. She is a nice person, I just don't think she realises that she's upsetting me. In fact I know she doesn't, because she wouldn't want to.

But equally I don't know if I'm just being a bloody baby and need to get over it!!

Anyway, me and DH are having a baby very soon. He recently told his mum the name we had chosen, I'd have preferred him not to but he wanted to so fine.

Anyway, ever since then every single time we speak to her she tells us we 'must change that name', 'you can't do that', 'noooo, you can't call them that' etc... Like relentlessly.

The name is very very normal, it is not out there or strange or uncommon. But apparently together with our surname it sounds like something funny... (It doesn't).

Honestly, if we genuinely thought it did sound like this I'd agree but it doesn't, it's a stretch to even get it to sound like what she's implying.

I ended up telling my mum and my aunt who hands down would honestly tell me the truth if they agreed but they were just as confused as me and said they never would have thought it sounded like that.

AIBU to mention it to DH and ask him to ask his mum to drop it now? It's always said in a jokey way but it's starting to bug me.

OP posts:
nocoolnamesleft · 08/12/2020 18:33

YABU to post this without giving the name.

hobbyiscodefordogging · 08/12/2020 18:36

I think you do have to give some consideration to the initial + surname, because of the format of some work email addresses for example. We don't know if your chosen name is problematic without knowing the name. Your MIL is rude to keep going on about it, but she's obviously very concerned about it.

girlsyearapart · 08/12/2020 18:40

Teen dds initials are LGB I don’t think I’d choose that combo again though I still love her names

pinotgrigio · 08/12/2020 18:41

I used to work with a girl called Dawn Raid many years ago. Comedy gold.

rainkeepsfallingdown · 08/12/2020 18:42

@StarBarsTheBomb If it's something like Steven George Hitt, even if initials + surname = S G Hitt, the poor kid is going to at some point have a work email address of [email protected] and be forever known as the company shit.

Everywhere I've ever worked has not given you the choice of email format, and when it's been initial + surname, they haven't used middle initials. Don't assume a middle initial will change anything!

You said first initial + surname sounded like something - what sort of thing does it sound like? Anything negative?

NewlyGranny · 08/12/2020 18:45

If a friend or family member is privileged to have a sneak preview of what baby's name will be, the only acceptable response is, "Oh, how lovely!" even of it's the last name you would choose yourself. That's because you're not choosing it yourself.

If you want to choose a name, have a baby or get a pet or start a company or build a house or write a bleeping book. Leave the expectant parents alone!

IntermittentParps · 08/12/2020 18:51

Is there any way in which the combination of names could cause embarrassment for your child in the future? Kids will find something to tease or bully about in ANYTHING. I speak from horrible experience. You can't second-guess it; that way lies madness.

OP, get your DH to tell his mum to pack it in.

SoupDragon · 08/12/2020 18:53

Kids will find something to tease or bully about in ANYTHING. I speak from horrible experience.

You only have to read the posts on threads like this where people gleefully talk about the Drew Peacock they went to school with to see that it's a dumb idea to give your child a "teasable" name. I speak from horrible experience.

SoupDragon · 08/12/2020 18:55

And these posters are presumably adults.

IntermittentParps · 08/12/2020 18:56

Soup, obviously there are some names that actively and obviously invite ridicule. My point was just that the answer to the question 'Is there any way in which the combination of names could cause embarrassment for your child in the future?' is a resounding YES, whatever the name is, because even names that are not obviously 'teasable' (and we have to accept the OP's word for hers not being) can and will be co-opted for teasing and bullying.

GrasswillbeGreener · 08/12/2020 18:56

(I've only read the first page, sorry)
If you have considered the combination that she's suggested and don't think it is anything like what she's hearing, then go ahead, and put your foot down and make it clear that the name is decided and she'll just have to live with it.

We have a very dodgy surname (and my maiden name's not any better; and the combination is about the worst you could imagine giving a child short of swear words). So we ruled out a lot of initial letters and thought very carefully about name choices. My husband wasn't very happy when I ran a potential girl's name past my mother (after DD had arrived and we were still deciding); she immediately said "you can't call her that, she'll get called ...." And although I hadn't seen it she was absolutely right, it was a most unfortunate phrase that once heard would never go away, and would inevitably have come up at primary school and caused nasty teasing. So I had to tell my husband, no, that name's off. Our children are at risk of teasing anyway from our surname, no need to make it worse!

If I hadn't agreed with the risk of the name I would have stuck with it.

electronVolt · 08/12/2020 18:57

[quote rainkeepsfallingdown]@StarBarsTheBomb If it's something like Steven George Hitt, even if initials + surname = S G Hitt, the poor kid is going to at some point have a work email address of [email protected] and be forever known as the company shit.

Everywhere I've ever worked has not given you the choice of email format, and when it's been initial + surname, they haven't used middle initials. Don't assume a middle initial will change anything!

You said first initial + surname sounded like something - what sort of thing does it sound like? Anything negative?[/quote]
Yep.

I who’ve worked with two people like this. Absolutely irredeemably known to all by the rude version. I still think of poor Sue Mellville (Smell Vile) and Theresa Waters (Twatters). It’s been 15 years since I left that company.

ShameMacGowan · 08/12/2020 18:57

My mil, on meeting our third dc for the first time, took me to the side and pointedly asked if we were keeping the name.

So fucking rude!

Livelovebehappy · 08/12/2020 19:03

Why were you not happy about your DH telling his dm the baby’s name, yet it’s clear from your post that you have told your own DM? Can’t you see how unfair that is? Both are going to be grandparents, and if info is withheld from one, then it should also be withheld from the other. Your behaviour comes across as irrational. If your mil doesn’t like the name, why stress about it? Not everyone is going to love the name you choose, but why does it matter as long as you and your DH like it.

Cattenberg · 08/12/2020 19:04

I remember reading about Drew Peacock. His parents didn’t realise until his Dad typed his name into a search engine, and it asked, “did you mean droopy c*?” Luckily, it wasn’t too late to change Drew’s name.

I think you should reveal the first initial, OP.

Original poster
StarBarsTheBomb · 08/12/2020 19:08

Why were you not happy about your DH telling his dm the baby’s name, yet it’s clear from your post that you have told your own DM? Can’t you see how unfair that is?

I thought it was clear from my OP, obviously not... I told my mum and aunt after DH told his to see if they agreed with her. They did not.

OP posts:
hadtojoin · 08/12/2020 19:10

I once worked with A Bagg, unfortunately her full name was Anne Bagg (handbag)

CharityDingle · 08/12/2020 19:12

My best friend at school was Annette Curtin. (Not really)...

Nanny0gg · 08/12/2020 19:14

@ClickandForget

I presume she's also want to have an opinion on being called gran, granny, nana etc

Isn't that perfectly reasonable though? It's a name she'll have to live with.

That's fair. That she does get a say in.
Livelovebehappy · 08/12/2020 19:14

Ahhh, so you were forced into disclosing it - mustn’t have been a big deal then if you told your aunt as well as your dm. Surely if you were getting another opinion, and felt secretive about the name, you would only have told your dm? If your dm hadn’t liked it, would you have been equally distressed?

littlefireseverywhere · 08/12/2020 19:17

Assuming it’s not Mike Hunt or Chris Peacock, I’d ignore her!

SchadenfreudePersonified · 08/12/2020 19:17

I am guessing they didn't live in S London then?

Where 'Ras' is a well used (Jamaican origin) term of contempt with the same meaning as 'arse'.

Suffolk - looks like they had a lucky escape! Grin

LH1987 · 08/12/2020 19:18

Give the baby a middle name and then it will be x x surname. I wouldn’t tell her myself,I am a chicken, my DH would have to do it !

Dopeyduck · 08/12/2020 19:35

I’d absolutely tell DH to say ‘stop now it’s going to upset starbar, jokes are done’. It’s going to become an issue if it’s left and if that’s what you want to call your baby then that’s that. It matters not what anyone else thinks. She’s voiced her opinion and now she can zip it.

Snowman123 · 08/12/2020 19:38

How about just stonewalling her every time she mentions it and change the subject.
She'll get the hint.