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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so pissed off with this kid?

381 replies

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 08/12/2020 14:20

Ugh. Since going back in September my 12 yr old DD has been having a bit of trouble with a boy in a couple of her classes. He is generally a joker and a bit of a pain in the arse, but out of the blue started saying DD smells of fish 😡

She definitely doesn't, by the way, nothing amiss with her personal hygiene. When she first mentioned it I suggested she completely ignore it or just laugh it off as a completely ridiculous notion. Which didn't work. He kept doing it, sometimes other people sitting around them also have a titter about it, and he's now also started getting his vile little mates to start saying the same thing to her in other lessons and it's now a very regular occurrence. It's really affecting her enjoyment of school and she had always enjoyed school previously 😡

So while she's careful not to let it visibly upset her at school, it DOES upset her, of course, and she also suffers from quite bad anxiety, so this is really unhelpful. She has a really nice circle of friends- I suggested she tell them all about it so that she isn't trying to cope with it alone and they can support her and back her up and they are doing so. She doesn't want me to talk to the school- she doesn't feel this is 'bullying', but if this boy finds out she 'snitches' on him, she feels it may turn into bullying.

I think it is already bullying but there you go. This week I've suggested she responds very confidently and aggressively to any comments to see if this will nip it in the bud. If that doesn't work I'll try and persuade her that I should talk to the school.

He's not getting away with it. I was bullied at that age and it wrecked my self confidence. It makes me fucking angry- WHY do kids have to be so unpleasant?? Just why??

So. AIBU to be so pissed off about this?
And am I telling her all the wrong things to do, and does anyone have any better ideas?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 08/12/2020 14:25

If that doesn't work I'll try and persuade her that I should talk to the school.

Your daughter is just 12, op. You rightly needing to speak to the school is not a decision she should be allowed to make. You are the parent and your job is to protect her. That means you need to speak to the school whether she wants you to or not, and you need to explain this to her. She is being harassed and bullied. You can't allow this to continue.

dontlikebeards · 08/12/2020 14:26

I would speak to the school.

SecretWitch · 08/12/2020 14:27

What a disgusting bully. Please speak to the school. My heart goes out to your daughter.

WhereverIGoddamnLike · 08/12/2020 14:30

You need to step in here. This is what boys used to say to girls when I was at school, when they started to understand what vaginas were and would walk past girls, sniff their own fingers and go "oooh, smells fishy" and all laugh their heads off.
None of the girls put up with it and the teachers were on them for it. It wasnt OK.

Your daughter hasnt made a fuss, the teachers dont seem to have noticed. You need to step in now. Call them today before school closed or send an email now to the head of year/pastoral care.

NiceTwin · 08/12/2020 14:32

Are there bullying forms around she can fill in?
Alternatively, are there any teachers or staff that she likes who can take it to the head of year if she doesn't want to speak to them.

If she doesn't want to raise it, and I can understand why she doesn't, you need to speak to her head of year.

user686833 · 08/12/2020 14:33

It is definitely bullying and it is misogynistic bullying. The very immature teen/younger male staff where I work always say 'Yeah well the girls toilets smell of fish' everytime a female member of staff mentions they hate having to clean the men's toilets because of the urinals stench. The women's toilets absolutely do not smell of fish. It's always used by boys/men when being derogatory about women and never the other way around. The embarrassment around the insult is designed to prevent her from reporting it. Not on at all. Can you imagine if this was happening in an adult office?

UsernameN0Tavailable · 08/12/2020 14:41

I had an almost identical issue when I was at school and it is really hard to deal with. We went on an outward bound day and had to build a bridge over a small river, me and another boy managed to fall in when the bridge shifted and the school 'joker' shouted that I probably had a fish in my knickers and continued calling me fishy knickers because he got the odd laugh from it. Eventually it spread and a whole group of boys that weren't even there would shout it at me in the hallways without even knowing why they were calling me it. It doesn't matter how it starts, or the fact that is completely untrue you need to nip it in the bud now before she becomes known by a cruel nickname that has no truth.

Original poster
InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 08/12/2020 14:44

You are all completely correct of course. The problem is, I have two much older boys who went to the same school, who both agree that there MAY be repercussions if I get involved. The problem is, he isn't saying this to loads of girls as far as I know, so it's reasonable to assume he will know it's my DD who 'snitched'. He's already shown himself capable of getting his horrible mates involved. What might he do next? Little bastard. Why do they think they are Angry

OP posts:
Original poster
InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 08/12/2020 14:46

By the way my older boys are quite keen on going to the school and beating up the 12 year old for my DD Grin

OP posts:
JillofTrades · 08/12/2020 14:46

Little bastard he is. I would get yout two older boys and some of their friends to pay him a visit after school.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/12/2020 14:47

What might he do next?

Exactly, and this is why you need to teach your daughter to stand up for herself and that you will be fighting for her, too. Abusers and bullies need to be reported, and victims shouldn't be made to feel they need to stay silent.

Original poster
InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 08/12/2020 14:47

@JillofTrades

Little bastard he is. I would get yout two older boys and some of their friends to pay him a visit after school.
Yes, but I would imagine that would just result in a police visit for us Smile
OP posts:
WhereverIGoddamnLike · 08/12/2020 14:49

Whatever he does next will be the next thing you call the school and support your daughter on.

Right now you're teaching her to ignore men abusing women because it's just one thing and you might make it worse by rocking the boat. You need to be teaching her that one thing so too many and you fight her corner. Now.

Dohrehmee · 08/12/2020 14:49

Your daughter is being bullied. It is making her feel upset and vulnerable. You wouldn’t say that to another person at work etc so why is it acceptable at school. ? Tell your daughter people don’t say things like this to each other in places of work so why is it ok ok in school. . Tell her that it needs addressing. In the real world if a colleague had a hygiene problem it would be addressed via a meeting with a manager. No way would they have comments been made and laughed at. So tell your daughter if this vile boy has problems with her hygiene then he would need to address with the teacher. Obviously she doesn't have a hygiene issue and he’s having a laugh at her expense. Does he keep doing it because she is not saying anything back And he thinks this is okay. Definitely have a word with the school so they can have a word with him . Tell your daughter this is not just some words and is actually leading to harassment . I Cant understand why some children are such unpleasant nasty pieces of excrement

tallduckandhandsome · 08/12/2020 14:50

You're giving him too much power. He's 12. Speak to the school.

WhereverIGoddamnLike · 08/12/2020 14:50

If you get it on record with the school, and keep going back to them to ask for updates and solutions etc then if your daughter ever snaps and punches the little shit, the school cannot say they didnt know.

Mydogmylife · 08/12/2020 14:52

What sort of repercussions do you mean? This sounds quite horrific , every bit as bad if not worse than the original bullying

steppemum · 08/12/2020 14:52

@InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream

By the way my older boys are quite keen on going to the school and beating up the 12 year old for my DD Grin
do you know as I read it I wondered if your boys were still there and could just accidentally block his path and mention they are dd's brothers.

I know it isn't allowed.
But sometimes, it is the simplest way to nip it in the bud. No violence, just Presence.

Original poster
InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 08/12/2020 14:52

Yes. I know you are all right. Thankyou so much . I'm going to email the Pastoral Team and head of year now and I'll update.

OP posts:
RatherBeRiding · 08/12/2020 14:53

Right now you're teaching her to ignore men abusing women because it's just one thing and you might make it worse by rocking the boat. You need to be teaching her that one thing so too many and you fight her corner. Now.

This. With knobs on.

Gazelda · 08/12/2020 14:53

The school will know how to address this without it coming back to DD

Original poster
InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 08/12/2020 14:53

@Mydogmylife

What sort of repercussions do you mean? This sounds quite horrific , every bit as bad if not worse than the original bullying
I don't mean violence, just worse 'picking on'
OP posts:
TableFlowerss · 08/12/2020 14:53

You get some right little bastards that go out of their way to make others feel shit. Little scroat! Makes my blood boil when I hear about kids getting bullied.

Don’t let it drop OP- phone the school ASAP. Your poor DD.

Christmasjunkie · 08/12/2020 14:55

I'd be going to the little fuckers house having a 'polite' word with his mother

2bazookas · 08/12/2020 14:59

Tell the school right away. Your DD won't be the only child he bullies.
You do know the little scrote is referring to vaginal odour, don't you?

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