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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so pissed off with this kid?

381 replies

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 08/12/2020 14:20

Ugh. Since going back in September my 12 yr old DD has been having a bit of trouble with a boy in a couple of her classes. He is generally a joker and a bit of a pain in the arse, but out of the blue started saying DD smells of fish 😡

She definitely doesn't, by the way, nothing amiss with her personal hygiene. When she first mentioned it I suggested she completely ignore it or just laugh it off as a completely ridiculous notion. Which didn't work. He kept doing it, sometimes other people sitting around them also have a titter about it, and he's now also started getting his vile little mates to start saying the same thing to her in other lessons and it's now a very regular occurrence. It's really affecting her enjoyment of school and she had always enjoyed school previously 😡

So while she's careful not to let it visibly upset her at school, it DOES upset her, of course, and she also suffers from quite bad anxiety, so this is really unhelpful. She has a really nice circle of friends- I suggested she tell them all about it so that she isn't trying to cope with it alone and they can support her and back her up and they are doing so. She doesn't want me to talk to the school- she doesn't feel this is 'bullying', but if this boy finds out she 'snitches' on him, she feels it may turn into bullying.

I think it is already bullying but there you go. This week I've suggested she responds very confidently and aggressively to any comments to see if this will nip it in the bud. If that doesn't work I'll try and persuade her that I should talk to the school.

He's not getting away with it. I was bullied at that age and it wrecked my self confidence. It makes me fucking angry- WHY do kids have to be so unpleasant?? Just why??

So. AIBU to be so pissed off about this?
And am I telling her all the wrong things to do, and does anyone have any better ideas?

OP posts:
WhereverIGoddamnLike · 08/12/2020 16:02

@Denthelp

This is bullying. What he is doing is the definition of bullying. If you cannot be helpful then maybe just dont comment.

You'd also need to be incredibly stupid to believe the OP was serious about the brothers going in. It was obviously a throwaway, tongue in cheek remark made in a "aaah, how do I deal with this" rant.

nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut · 08/12/2020 16:02

By the way my older boys are quite keen on going to the school and beating up the 12 year old for my DD

Oh I'd let them. If they harass girls like that outside of school, that's what they'd get. Let them turn up with friends in a big group and warn the little shites off. Scare the fuck out of them.

mygrandchildrenrock · 08/12/2020 16:02

I also think you should let the school know and, if necessary, tell the school not to let your DD know you did so.
My youngest is DD is 20, and only recently I told her of a couple of times that I phoned school and asked them not to let her know. She was quite surprised but pleased that I had done so.
School staff can sort this kind of thing out quite quickly but they need to know about it.

Embra · 08/12/2020 16:03

Older boys can meet him after school at pick up and just say one more time anything fishy happens they will make a fish pie out of him. No need to fight I am sure he will be scared enough.

Namechange8471 · 08/12/2020 16:04

The school has a duty of care to your child, that includes safegaurding against bullying.
Raise hell with them op.
I feel for you, my dd is also 12 and bulliying is my top worry.

Toilenstripes · 08/12/2020 16:05

The only response, which my old school friend said, was to reply loudly Needle dick!

Original poster
InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 08/12/2020 16:06

[quote WhereverIGoddamnLike]@Denthelp

This is bullying. What he is doing is the definition of bullying. If you cannot be helpful then maybe just dont comment.

You'd also need to be incredibly stupid to believe the OP was serious about the brothers going in. It was obviously a throwaway, tongue in cheek remark made in a "aaah, how do I deal with this" rant.[/quote]
Thank you. I love you Grin

OP posts:
HallieKnight · 08/12/2020 16:07

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Namechangeforthis111 · 08/12/2020 16:08

We had similar in year 7 or 8 when a boy in dd’s class was saying things to her which were extremely vulgar, including what he’d like to do to her. We were straight onto the school and they took it very seriously. Moved him away from her, spoke to him and called his parents. It did make it stop and she never had problems with him at all after. There was no discussion about whether I did call school or not, it had to be sorted, and they had to know.

We also had problems with a girl the same age. That was much harder to sort, as it involved manipulation of the whole friendship group against my dd. She didn’t want me to go into school but I did in the end after nasty messages. It didn’t really help as it just strengthened the others against her. In the end she ended up spending a lot of time alone before finding some more friends. It was awful and if I’d had 2 older kids I would have had no hesitation in askinG them to have a word.

I felt exactly the same as you it was awful.

Hope it gets sorted.

Original poster
InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 08/12/2020 16:08

@HallieKnight

It's very possible one day she did smell like fish and you going in will cause her to actually start getting bullied. Then the teachers will see your kid as the boy who cried wolf. So if she's telling you it's fine, trust her.
Wtf? Maybe have a proper read? This has been going on for THREE MONTHS
OP posts:
BluebellsGreenbells · 08/12/2020 16:08

From experience the heads at high school deal with things very differently.
They understand the repercussions, and have ways of ratting out behaviors.

They word things like, ‘a member of staff overhead you saying x’ would you like to explain?

Job done. No one any the wiser.

CorianderQueen · 08/12/2020 16:08

@HallieKnight

It's very possible one day she did smell like fish and you going in will cause her to actually start getting bullied. Then the teachers will see your kid as the boy who cried wolf. So if she's telling you it's fine, trust her.
Fuck off. It would be very rare for a person to smell like fish. Even if she had going in about it for three months is still bullying.

As many many of us have experienced this exact comment at school I think it's fairly explicitly misogynistic bullying.

Feedingthebirds1 · 08/12/2020 16:11

@HallieKnight

It's very possible one day she did smell like fish and you going in will cause her to actually start getting bullied. Then the teachers will see your kid as the boy who cried wolf. So if she's telling you it's fine, trust her.
Oooh, nice victim blaming there.
BackwardsGoing · 08/12/2020 16:11

@HallieKnight

It's very possible one day she did smell like fish and you going in will cause her to actually start getting bullied. Then the teachers will see your kid as the boy who cried wolf. So if she's telling you it's fine, trust her.

That is possibly the most vile thing I have read on MN.

PinkPlantCase · 08/12/2020 16:12

@HallieKnight

It's very possible one day she did smell like fish and you going in will cause her to actually start getting bullied. Then the teachers will see your kid as the boy who cried wolf. So if she's telling you it's fine, trust her.
Hmm Even if someone does smell it’s still bullying for other kids to point it out and tease them about it.

Hope it gets sorted OP

Denthelp · 08/12/2020 16:12

@WhereverIGoddamnLike she definitely wasn’t joking about sending them up and has been egged on by several other posters to do so.

I’m entitled to my opinion and think it’s a terrible idea.

I stick my my previous comment that OP should be teaching her daughter resilience and to stand up for herself. It won’t do her any favours sending her ADULT brothers to the school to fight her corner at every slight. That will make her school time more miserable IMO than the little shit that is winding her up at the minute.

Graciebobcat · 08/12/2020 16:13

It's bullying with a side order of misogyny. Definitely mention it to the school. This stuff went on all the time when I was at school and the school should have zero tolerance for it these days.

Denthelp · 08/12/2020 16:14

Also, I’d be wary in going against your daughters wishes and speaking to the school when she has asked you not to. You will find she won’t come to you when she has other, more serious issues as you won’t be able to be trusted.

HallieKnight · 08/12/2020 16:14

And your daughter has asked you to leave it so you should respect that. If the boy starts actually doing anything then obviously that's when you need to step in.

jessstan1 · 08/12/2020 16:14

@HallieKnight

It's very possible one day she did smell like fish and you going in will cause her to actually start getting bullied. Then the teachers will see your kid as the boy who cried wolf. So if she's telling you it's fine, trust her.
Rubbish. How on earth would she smell of fish unless she'd been working in a fish and chip shop?

Nobody starts 'getting' bullied. She is already being bullied.

CorianderQueen · 08/12/2020 16:19

@HallieKnight

And your daughter has asked you to leave it so you should respect that. If the boy starts actually doing anything then obviously that's when you need to step in.
He is doing something. He humiliating her daughter and making her uncomfortable with sexist remarks about her body.
randomer · 08/12/2020 16:21

My suggestion would be to calmly request from school who is the named person who deals with bullying, Next question what are their policies and if a young person reports bullying what assurances can they give that there will be no repercussions.

Wait calmly for a reply ( a couple of day maximum)
On receiving the reply put in writing only facts about what has been going on and a firm request that the boy does not know he has been reported by your daughter.

It makes me sick tbh.

Osirus · 08/12/2020 16:22

@InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream

By the way my older boys are quite keen on going to the school and beating up the 12 year old for my DD Grin
Let them. At least to have a word.

My older brother was the ONLY reason I wasn’t bullied more at school. I wasn’t bullied by anyone who knew who my brother was.

I once had two strangers from a few years above me at school come and find me in my lesson to apologise for pulling my hair, simply because they found out who my brother was.

RoxanneMonke · 08/12/2020 16:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bluetrews25 · 08/12/2020 16:24

You've done right contacting school, they can deal with it.
My not-to-be-used retort suggestion is
'and your hands smell of your tiny little dick, pizza face'

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