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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so pissed off with this kid?

381 replies

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 08/12/2020 14:20

Ugh. Since going back in September my 12 yr old DD has been having a bit of trouble with a boy in a couple of her classes. He is generally a joker and a bit of a pain in the arse, but out of the blue started saying DD smells of fish 😡

She definitely doesn't, by the way, nothing amiss with her personal hygiene. When she first mentioned it I suggested she completely ignore it or just laugh it off as a completely ridiculous notion. Which didn't work. He kept doing it, sometimes other people sitting around them also have a titter about it, and he's now also started getting his vile little mates to start saying the same thing to her in other lessons and it's now a very regular occurrence. It's really affecting her enjoyment of school and she had always enjoyed school previously 😡

So while she's careful not to let it visibly upset her at school, it DOES upset her, of course, and she also suffers from quite bad anxiety, so this is really unhelpful. She has a really nice circle of friends- I suggested she tell them all about it so that she isn't trying to cope with it alone and they can support her and back her up and they are doing so. She doesn't want me to talk to the school- she doesn't feel this is 'bullying', but if this boy finds out she 'snitches' on him, she feels it may turn into bullying.

I think it is already bullying but there you go. This week I've suggested she responds very confidently and aggressively to any comments to see if this will nip it in the bud. If that doesn't work I'll try and persuade her that I should talk to the school.

He's not getting away with it. I was bullied at that age and it wrecked my self confidence. It makes me fucking angry- WHY do kids have to be so unpleasant?? Just why??

So. AIBU to be so pissed off about this?
And am I telling her all the wrong things to do, and does anyone have any better ideas?

OP posts:
Nottherealslimshady · 08/12/2020 15:00

They need to speak to home. Boys at my school, alot older, would do the fish thing too. It comes from bacterial vaginosis and somehow youths learn that means a dirty vagina, rather than it being something you need to see your doctor about. It's not something a 12 year old should be knowing or joking about and its come from somewhere.

If she was a bit older theres things she could say to humiliate him but it's really not appropriate at their age I think. His parents need involving.

I think the best thing she could do is totally blank him, he will thrive on any attention off her and theres no point engaging.

WokesFromHome · 08/12/2020 15:01

The context of those comments are pretty appalling. He is referring to her private bits and making a misogynist comments about it. I would f*cking hit the roof if that was my DD.

I am having problems with my DC11 at school with 2 other DC so I understand how horrible it is. My DC doesn't want me to say anything and I have coached them to deal with it themselves, which they have done. Those 2 DC are on their last chance before I lose my shit.

If he is not pulled up on misogynistic comments then he will soon graduate to the next level.

The horrible little shit. If my sons disrespected girls like that I would absolutely lose it with them.

YoniAndGuy · 08/12/2020 15:02

@InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream

By the way my older boys are quite keen on going to the school and beating up the 12 year old for my DD Grin
Yep, I'd go with that.

Live by the sword...

silverbubbles · 08/12/2020 15:02

If you don't think going to the teachers is the right course of action then get your older boys to have a word.

Kissthepastrychef · 08/12/2020 15:06

@YoniAndGuy apparently when Dh was at school he was bullied for being ginger. One day he had enough of it and punched the bully in the face as he was teasing him. He never bullied him again..

Chinam · 08/12/2020 15:09

Right now you're teaching her to ignore men abusing women because it's just one thing and you might make it worse by rocking the boat. You need to be teaching her that one thing so too many and you fight her corner. Now.

This 100 times. Tell the school now. Show your daughter that you will help her.

ScatteredMama82 · 08/12/2020 15:10

You can't teach your daughter to put with crap like this, stand up for her for goodness sake. Sorry to be so blunt, but not rocking the boat because you are 'afraid of repercussions' is playing right into the hands of the bullying little shit.

ekidmxcl · 08/12/2020 15:11

What nasty shits. They know absolutely that this is bullying. My ds would not say that to a girl in a million years. And do you know what, my dd is almost 13 and if that was said to her, she'd square up and rip the culprits apart, possibly even get physical (she's very tall and strong). This is precisely why they've gone for your dd. Because she's a softer target. So it isn't just what they've said to her, it's the fact they have identified a "good" victim. Sounds awful but my ds was bullied for years (before he also grew massive and rather intimidating!) and it was because he was the least able to fend it off.

Returnofthemaccys · 08/12/2020 15:11

I have two much older boys who went to the same school, who both agree that there MAY be repercussions if I get involved.

Then you ramp it up with the school. If you really think that the bullying at school is out of control, to the extent that even reporting it will make it worse, then seriously consider a different school.

wildraisins · 08/12/2020 15:11

Speak to the school. It IS bullying and it is NOT your daughter's decision or responsibility to deal with it. She's 12. She's scared of what will happen if anything is said/ done about it - exactly what bullies thrive on. You are the adult and you know better.

grassisjeweled · 08/12/2020 15:13

If your eldest lads are available a polite verbal warning to the bully may not go amiss.

grassisjeweled · 08/12/2020 15:15

Either that or your daughter needs to get a smart mouth with the bully.

No 12 year old lad wants to be told he's got a small dick in front of all his mates, for example.

xmasnc2020 · 08/12/2020 15:19

I think you've done the right thing. If I was being bullied at work I wouldn't just ignore it. I would speak to my manager and HR. Ignoring obviously isn't working.

What a little horror, I'd be absolutely devastated if I found out my son had been being so horrible.

I can feel the rage for you! Let us know how schools respond.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/12/2020 15:21

If you don't think going to the teachers is the right course of action then get your older boys to have a word.

If your eldest lads are available a polite verbal warning to the bully may not go amiss.

I truly despair of anyone thinks it's reasonable to send their teenage sons to threaten a 12 year old. Even though this kid is a miserable shit, he is still a 12 year old child, ffs. This needs to be handled by mature adults, not other children.

OnTheBenchOfDoom · 08/12/2020 15:22

I hate this attitude of it could make it worse.

Right now these boys know that they can do this and get away with it. What makes you think this alone won't lead to escalation?

It needs stopping now, if it does become worse or she gets called for "snitching" aka reporting completely inappropriate behaviour then she needs to report that too. School should come down on it hard.

I have had incidents in school where it was my son's word against another boy, no witnesses. He still reported it and it stopped dead. As it should.

Letting bullies know that their behaviour is being watched by adults in the school hopefully makes them think twice about their behaviour altogether.

Original poster
InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 08/12/2020 15:23

@2bazookas

Tell the school right away. Your DD won't be the only child he bullies. You do know the little scrote is referring to vaginal odour, don't you?
Yes of course I do
OP posts:
Lovemusic33 · 08/12/2020 15:24

Had similar with dd at that age and on and off through high school, she would ask me not to contact the school but there wasn’t a chance in hell I was going to allow it to continue so I emailed the school to get it sorted.

I think you should talk to the school, if it the escalates I would allow your sons to have a little word with said child, I don’t condemn violence but a little talk and a warning to back off might just stop the little shit doing it again.

jessstan1 · 08/12/2020 15:27

@Aquamarine1029

If that doesn't work I'll try and persuade her that I should talk to the school.

Your daughter is just 12, op. You rightly needing to speak to the school is not a decision she should be allowed to make. You are the parent and your job is to protect her. That means you need to speak to the school whether she wants you to or not, and you need to explain this to her. She is being harassed and bullied. You can't allow this to continue.

That 100%.

The boy is horrible to be saying things like that about your daughter and he needs to learn a little respect.

jessstan1 · 08/12/2020 15:29

I think you should talk to the school, if it the escalates I would allow your sons to have a little word with said child, I don’t condemn violence but a little talk and a warning to back off might just stop the little shit doing it again.

That is an excellent suggestion too.

Peachy1381 · 08/12/2020 15:32

Its a misogynistic bullying and I'd let the school know. Boys did this in my school and all the girls just felt that their bodies were something to be ashamed of. We should be raising young men to be better these days, and the school should be stepping in.

If that doesn't work or it gets worse let her brothers get involved. Sometimes getting smack from someone bigger and nastier can do the trick.

ShinyGreenElephant · 08/12/2020 15:36

I'd send the older brothers round to scare the shit out of him (not actually beat him up just push him round, threaten him and scare him). He sounds vile and clearly needs a scare

Aquamarine1029 · 08/12/2020 15:37

If that doesn't work or it gets worse let her brothers get involved. Sometimes getting smack from someone bigger and nastier can do the trick.

Yes, of course. Send your son's to beat up a 12 year old child like common hoodlums so they can get a criminal record by being charged with assault. Hmm

HollowTalk · 08/12/2020 15:37

I would want to report it to the school but if your daughter is adamant then is there any way her brothers could meet her after school and have a word with him without violence?

BackwardsGoing · 08/12/2020 15:40

Oh god what a little brat!

Good luck OP. I would be incandescent and go in with all guns blazing.

Don't let them fob you off OP.

Onadifferentuniverse · 08/12/2020 15:40

He sounds absolutely vile. What a little shit

I’d probably tell her to reply back sarcastically such as her telling him he must be able to smell himself and sniffing in his direction and pulling a face.

Etc... confidence usually does the trick to these people because they’re cowards.

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