To be so pissed off with this kid?

[InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream]

Ugh. Since going back in September my 12 yr old DD has been having a bit of trouble with a boy in a couple of her classes. He is generally a joker and a bit of a pain in the arse, but out of the blue started saying DD smells of fish 😡

She definitely doesn't, by the way, nothing amiss with her personal hygiene. When she first mentioned it I suggested she completely ignore it or just laugh it off as a completely ridiculous notion. Which didn't work. He kept doing it, sometimes other people sitting around them also have a titter about it, and he's now also started getting his vile little mates to start saying the same thing to her in other lessons and it's now a very regular occurrence. It's really affecting her enjoyment of school and she had always enjoyed school previously 😡

So while she's careful not to let it visibly upset her at school, it DOES upset her, of course, and she also suffers from quite bad anxiety, so this is really unhelpful. She has a really nice circle of friends- I suggested she tell them all about it so that she isn't trying to cope with it alone and they can support her and back her up and they are doing so. She doesn't want me to talk to the school- she doesn't feel this is 'bullying', but if this boy finds out she 'snitches' on him, she feels it may turn into bullying.

I think it is already bullying but there you go. This week I've suggested she responds very confidently and aggressively to any comments to see if this will nip it in the bud. If that doesn't work I'll try and persuade her that I should talk to the school.

He's not getting away with it. I was bullied at that age and it wrecked my self confidence. It makes me fucking angry- WHY do kids have to be so unpleasant?? Just why??

So. AIBU to be so pissed off about this?
And am I telling her all the wrong things to do, and does anyone have any better ideas?

I hope you get this sorted OP this boy sounds awful and it may only escalate if something doesn’t stop him in his tracks. I hope the school can subtly do something which doesn’t just result in more bullying.

At my school there was a horrible lad who thought he was the king pin because he was tall and very outspoken. One day totally out of the blue he decided to trip me up walking along a corridor and laughed his head off in front of his little gang. This really embarrassed and upset me and I knew I was now on his radar and that was just the beginning.

At home I told my 6ft sport mad brother who luckily was at sixth form at the same school. Later that week my brother came along at the beginning of one of my classes when we were queuing up to go in and very politely said to this lad that he wanted a word with him. The lad dutifully followed my brother a short distance away and my brother told him in no uncertain terms to knock this behaviour on the head - he did not physically harm him in any way. My brothers physical size and presence was enough to scare him. The lad apologised to me and I never had another problem with him from that day forward funnily enough.

I wouldn’t rule out your sons having a little word with this lad. Out in view of other people like outside the school gates at home time if he continues this nastiness.

@Denthelp

It is definitely Bullying Op daughter having that kind of Crap to deal with 😬😬😬

(Bullying Comes in all. Different ways,
(It is Not Just Being Hit beaten up black and Blue ,

People rember being Bullied at school as Adults
It Can affect a persons cofindence
For Life
And there has Tragically been news stories of school children commited suicide because of Arseholes like school bullies

Do you understand now what bullying is then!!!!

Well done for telling the head. I'd really press the point about this being misogynist bullying. In an ideal world this would be taken as seriously as racist or homophobic bullying.

It really matters because stuff like this is sadly the first in the long line of crap that girls / women have to deal with from misogynist boys /men.

If this kid is to have a chance of not growing up into an abusive adult, he needs an intervention by the school now.

@queenofknives yes I do obviously as I would not have said it. As long as it stops him it doesn't matter what she's says. He mum likes it too, as she's said so, so her opinion is all I'm interested in.

[quote tallduckandhandsome]@ClaireP20

Arh your poor daughter! He clearly quite likes her, but is being a stupid arse about it.

I agree with queenofknives, it is so damaging to tell girls/women that that an abusive male is being that way because he likes her. I thought this thinking had stopped years ago.[/quote]
This, I was coming on to say the same.

I mean, would people say to a victim of DV that he only did it because he liked her?

Of course they wouldn't. And this is exactly the same type of situation. A male getting off on causing distress and hurt to a female. It's bugger all to do with liking someone.

if he were mine... I would want to know to read him the riot act. Glad you contacted school.

Some think it is funny and they need reading the riot act to stop them, some are just plain nasty and need to be taught that it gets them nowhere other than trouble. Either way, not your problem to decide. It needs dealing with by school.

I got bullied all the way through High School.

I finally had a psychotic breakdown at 16 and ended up in a mental ward for my own protection. It is still affecting me now, almost 15 years later. I hated school so much.

There is nothing worse than a bully. I hope you get it sorted.

I wish I could tell your daughter that it’s not a reflection on her, it’s all on them.. and that she will have the last laugh because nasty kids like that don’t usually have happy adulthoods either.

I have asked in my email whether his parents will be contacted. Although they probably won't tell me even if they do. But if one of my sons was doing that I would have wanted to know. Mind you, even if they did know they'd probably laugh it off as 'childish banter'

@Highwind

I got bullied all the way through High School.

I finally had a psychotic breakdown at 16 and ended up in a mental ward for my own protection. It is still affecting me now, almost 15 years later. I hated school so much.

There is nothing worse than a bully. I hope you get it sorted.

I wish I could tell your daughter that it’s not a reflection on her, it’s all on them.. and that she will have the last laugh because nasty kids like that don’t usually have happy adulthoods either.

Sorry you went through that. I was bullied too and it's absolutely shit. Bullies are the lowest of the low.

[quote copperoliver]@queenofknives yes I do obviously as I would not have said it. As long as it stops him it doesn't matter what she's says. He mum likes it too, as she's said so, so her opinion is all I'm interested in. [/quote]
I think it's horrible and would make things much worse. I would never encourage a child to use the word 'cunt' for a start, if for no other reason than this is going to make her more vulnerable to being cast the aggressor/problem in this situation. Apart from that, the whole 'fish perfume' thing might sound clever and funny to adults but for children would just be more ammunition to use against the victim. It wouldn't humiliate this boy - it would be used to humiliate the daughter further.

Standing up for yourself only works when it's authentic and appropriate to the situation. It would be better to work on assertiveness and confidence with the daughter, so that she could use her own words to defend herself.

The little Bastard needs a visit from a big Policeman, to explain what happens to bullies like him. The school should also come down on him like a ton of bricks.

The no snitching mantra at schools is a bullies charter.
You have my sympathies OP this kind of behaviour is so tiresome, your DD really needs to be able to go to school and simply learn without dealing with this kind of crap.

It's great that she's come to you to tell you what's going on. That might sound obvious, but honestly when I was that age I couldn't tell my mum anything like that and I would have kept it to myself and dealt with it alone.

Poor her. I hope she learns about maintaining strong boundaries as a result of this. It is so hard but it's always better to confront the bully in life, no matter what the setting, and especially when it's misogyny.

What a little shit he is well aware his behaviour is mean speak to the school privately behind DD's back if necessary to save her any embarrassment it needs to stop.
I am going through a similar situation. I emailed teacher she is dealing with him another little joker class clown I haven't been to his DM she tries very hard to keep a tight grip on him, she is aware of his antics from teacher I'd assume she is dealing with him.

OP you’re being a great mum

@InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream

Just to update the head of year is going to call me tomorrow 👍

Excellent news! You've done the right thing, InSpace.

FancyPants35 Tue 08-Dec-20 17:27:52
It's great that she's come to you to tell you what's going on. That might sound obvious, but honestly when I was that age I couldn't tell my mum anything like that and I would have kept it to myself and dealt with it alone.
.......
Me too, sad isn't it? If my mum had got it out of me she would have just said, "You don't smell", or whatever. However I'd have been too embarrassed to tell her outright.

Thank goodness those days are over.

@ImEatingVeryHealthilyOhYes

OP you’re being a great mum

What a sweet thing to say, but I fear I'm fucking clinging on by my fingertips most of the time

I think you did the right thing speaking to school and letting them handle it. Contact them every time it happens and be a squeaky wheel so they have no option but to deal with it.

Despite the suggestions otherwise, please don't encourage her to start making jokes or retorts about his dick , they're 12, they don't need to getting into a war of sexualised words and it invites the response of "well how would you know what his dick looks like...?". Leave it to the adults to deal with and tell your DD to report it to a member of staff each and every time it happens.

@jessstan1

FancyPants35 Tue 08-Dec-20 17:27:52 It's great that she's come to you to tell you what's going on. That might sound obvious, but honestly when I was that age I couldn't tell my mum anything like that and I would have kept it to myself and dealt with it alone. ....... Me too, sad isn't it? If my mum had got it out of me she would have just said, "You don't smell", or whatever. However I'd have been too embarrassed to tell her outright.

Thank goodness those days are over.

I have really tried to encourage openness, but d'you know some kids are just naturally very shy and secretive. I never told my mum anything, but my sister told my mum everything. I do talk a LOT with all of mine, which does help. We have been through/are going through some issues with my older boy so we do a lot talking in this house

I despair of some posters, and @Denthelp and @HallieKnight I'm looking at you!

Well done op and I hope you get a good result tomorrow

Some of these suggestions of what a 12YO should say in retaliation are just silly.

And to the couple of posters early on in the thread kindly explaining what the boy meant by the comment - WTF?! We all know full well exactly what he meant - do you think you have some amazing insight, or something...?

OP - well done on escalating. I think we can all relate to the worry from your DD about what that might mean for her, in terms of making things worse. But the vile little shit needs to be shut down. And yes, I do know I’m talking about a 12YO - he, unlike most 12YOs, is absolutely a vile little shit.

Despite the suggestions otherwise, please don't encourage her to start making jokes or retorts about his dick hmm, they're 12, they don't need to getting into a war of sexualised words and it invites the response of "well how would you know what his dick looks like...?". Leave it to the adults to deal with and tell your DD to report it to a member of staff each and every time it happens.

I agree completely.

Great news I'm glad you contacted the school.

You need to get involved because your dd needs you to, even though she says she does not. You need to look out for her interests because it doesn't look like anyone is at the school. What a vile bully this boy is. I am a grandmother and still remember the horrible things boys did and said to me at school. Unlike your dd, I couldn't talk to my mother. Please contact her head of year or the Headteacher's PA.

My gs who lives with me told me a new teacher on a gcse course was absolutely dreadful. Unprofessional, disorganised, even getting the kids to sit a test in a subject area they had not covered. The children can always tell a poor teacher and the class has become disrespectful. He asked me to say nothing. I spoke to the Deputy Head who turned up in the classroom. To say she was unimpressed was an understatement and ended up taking the class and supplying them with the laptops they needed. You are surer of your ground than me. Please speak to them ASAP. You are 100% right to do so as matters are escalating.