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AIBU?

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Original poster

To have no time for ‘gender disappointment’

417 replies

Dinosaur19 · 08/12/2020 13:26

Friend is having her first baby boy. Is ‘devastated’ as she ‘always wanted a girl’. AIBU to not understand this type of disappointment? Surely when you try for a baby you know that the odds are 50/50 and you should accept that or don’t have bloody kids. I have 2 DS so this pisses me off slightly.

OP posts:
gubbinsy · 08/12/2020 20:32

@CounsellorTroi

It was a boy. I felt sad for about an hour and was then happy about another boy. We're not planning another child and occasionally I do feel a twinge of sadness but it's very much bound up in the biological female line of my family coming to an end.

I also felt sad about this as I wasn't able to have children at all. My DB has a son so thankfully our branch of the family isn't a complete dead end.

I'm sorry. I should have thought more how that sounded. Of course there's no comparison, I was trying to show a different reason for the feeling but it came across as insensitive
Parker231 · 08/12/2020 20:34

I think it’s incredibly sad that someone would be disappointed as to the gender of their baby. I don’t agree with scans for anything other than medical reasons. No one needs to know in advance as to whether they are having a boy or girl.

AlexaPlayWhiteNoise · 08/12/2020 20:35

Devastating is going to collect your baby's ashes from the funeral directors. Which is what I did yesterday.

Getting the opposite sex to what you wanted is disappointing I'm sure. But it is not the end of the world.

I hope that the babies that were a disappointment in utero grow to give their parents much joy.

Bookworming · 08/12/2020 20:37

This thread is nasty, if you have never experienced something you can't empathise with it but you can sympathize. This thread is like telling someone to "get a grip what have you got to be miserable for" when they have depression.
I'm as big a tomboy as they come, I'm not very feminine or girlie but I really wanted a dd because I wanted to sub consciously I suppose have the mother daughter relationship that I couldn't have with my toxic mother. It's not always about sparkles ffs. I have three boys I love them all but the feelings I felt onnscan 3 were real and valid and I had just as much right to them as anyone else is.

Out of interest did you have three children because you actually wanted three children or because you wanted a daughter.

I think gender disappointment threads are extremely unthoughtful and unkind to people that either can't have a child or has lost a child.

CounsellorTroi · 08/12/2020 20:38

@Gubbinsy Thank you. I can definitely empathise with sadness over one's line coming to an end but I just think boys can carry it on just as well!

Bookworming · 08/12/2020 20:38

@AlexaPlayWhiteNoise I'm so sorry ThanksThanksThanks

Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 08/12/2020 20:39

Agreed OP it's pathetic and ungrateful.

@AlexaPlayWhiteNoise there are no words but I am so so sorry 😞

VinylDetective · 08/12/2020 20:39

So sorry @AlexaPlayWhiteNoise 💐

Livingtothefull · 08/12/2020 20:40

I completely agree with you Op. I have just one DC who is a DS, he was born 12 weeks premature with a severe brain injury and nearly died.

While he was still in NICU fighting for his life, my DH and I agreed that 'if we get to take our DS home at all, then he is coming home to a happy home'. And we did and we have made a happy home for him; would have been nice if he wasn't disabled but he is a wonderful, happy boy.

Part of being happy is that we don't dwell on what might/could/should have been and just enjoy what is.

You can imagine that whenever anyone dares moan to me about their DC being the wrong sex they get shut down from me and told that I am the wrong person to complain to.

mopphead · 08/12/2020 20:42

@AlexaPlayWhiteNoise I'm so so sorry Flowers

reginafelangee · 08/12/2020 20:43

@Bookworming
'I think gender disappointment threads are extremely unthoughtful and unkind to people that either can't have a child or has lost a child.'

It is possible to suffer infertility, lose a child and experience gender disappointment.

People don't experience in order to make others feel bad. It's not a choice.

Livingtothefull · 08/12/2020 20:43

@AlexaPlayWhiteNoise I am so sorry for your loss.

reginafelangee · 08/12/2020 20:44

@AlexaPlayWhiteNoise that's so sad. My condolences to you at this sad time.

Sakesman · 08/12/2020 20:44

Nothing wrong with feelings. There could be a million sad/ crazy/ perfectly reasonable reasons for feeling gender disappointment. It’s what we do with our negative feelings that count. Being shamed about them won’t help the processing.

roarfeckingroarr · 08/12/2020 20:46

Agree with you OP. It makes me quite angry when a poster talks about being devastated by hearing they're having a healthy girl / boy - that's before the wrong use of "gender".

LaVitaPuoEsserePiuBella · 08/12/2020 20:48

@MangoFeverDream

I haven't RTFT but a) it's sex, not gender and b) get a bloody grip. This is the most first-world "problem" imaginable

sex selective abortions are very third-world, so not really just a first-world problem, now is it?

You've misunderstood me. My issue is with people who say they are "devastated" or "gutted" to be having a child of the sex (not gender) they don't want. This in itself is an indulgent, screwed-up way of looking at bringing a baby into the world - as if you are somehow entitled to what you want. Unfortunately for some "devastated" women out there, Mother Nature doesn't give a toss about your desire to fulfil or even further narrow stereotypes about how either sex should look or behave.
roarfeckingroarr · 08/12/2020 20:50

@Cheeeeislifenow

This thread is nasty, if you have never experienced something you can't empathise with it but you can sympathize. This thread is like telling someone to "get a grip what have you got to be miserable for" when they have depression. I'm as big a tomboy as they come, I'm not very feminine or girlie but I really wanted a dd because I wanted to sub consciously I suppose have the mother daughter relationship that I couldn't have with my toxic mother. It's not always about sparkles ffs. I have three boys I love them all but the feelings I felt onnscan 3 were real and valid and I had just as much right to them as anyone else is.
Are you comparing feeling disappointed by the sex with your boy and having depression..?!
winterbabythistime · 08/12/2020 20:50

@AlexaPlayWhiteNoise I'm so sorry Thanks

Cheeeeislifenow · 08/12/2020 20:51

I am very sorry for those who have lost children or suffered terrible tragedy. I really am but that does not eradicate others feelings. Or invalidate them.

CapGunAmmo · 08/12/2020 20:51

AlexaPlayWhiteNoise There are no words 💐. My DD had a stillborn baby. It is truly devastating.

Bookworming · 08/12/2020 20:52

@reginafelangee no one should enter into a pregnancy and be gutted because the gender isn't the one they wanted.

FootballFacedOrang · 08/12/2020 20:52

Trying to take a kinder turn, I find gender disappointment odd because it implies that being of a certain gender comes with a bunch of assumptions about who your child is going to be. I could have had a girl who loved princesses and unicorn and loved spending time with me. I could have had one who loved trains and maths and climbing mountains and was a total Daddy's girl. It's really no indicator of anything.

Original poster
Dinosaur19 · 08/12/2020 20:52

@AlexaPlayWhiteNoise so sorry Flowers

OP posts:
onedayinthefuture · 08/12/2020 20:53

It really angers me, angers me so much. Little boys are bloody wonderful. I have two and I'd gladly have another.

Cheeeeislifenow · 08/12/2020 20:53

@roarfeckingroar I was diagnosed with pre natal depression, so yes I suppose i am. I know there were other contributing factors but feeling disappointed that I would never have the vision I thought I would in child rearing was most definitely very difficult.