To have no time for ‘gender disappointment’

[Dinosaur19]

Friend is having her first baby boy. Is ‘devastated’ as she ‘always wanted a girl’. AIBU to not understand this type of disappointment? Surely when you try for a baby you know that the odds are 50/50 and you should accept that or don’t have bloody kids. I have 2 DS so this pisses me off slightly.

@BrumBoo

Gender disappointment is a real thing that many experience and the mast majority of people then get over it and dearly love their children.

The feeling may be real, its the reason for the feeling that people like myself cannot comprehend. Saying you have disappointment over an unborn child's gender is like saying you're disappointed they're not Christian or a vegan. You've already decided they are not going to be of the belief system you follow that a girl or boy should be, just because they're born that sex.

Yes very well put. Thank you.

@brumboo

"The feeling may be real, its the reason for the feeling that people like myself cannot comprehend. Saying you have disappointment over an unborn child's gender is like saying you're disappointed they're not Christian or a vegan. You've already decided they are not going to be of the belief system you follow that a girl or boy should be, just because they're born that sex."

I am sorry you can't understand gender disappointment. But then I don't understand the analogies you are using around religion or veganism. I don't see how they are connected.

@reginafelangee, because gender (like religion or a lifestyle choice) is a personal belief. The idea behind gender disappointment is that you want a child of a certain sex, because you believe that they will become what society expects of them in terms of gender. If you don't believe in gender, there's no gender disappointment.

I was happy to be pregnant. I also accepted it was 50/50. I was however thrilled when my scan confirmed we were expecting a girl rather than a boy

If someone wants one sex over another for a psychological reason stemming back to their own childhood, say for example to "right" a dysfunctional parent/child relationship, alarm bells should ring.

That issue needs resolving before bringing a child into the picture. It's very unfair to look to our kids to somehow make that better.

I have never experienced this myself but it doesn't mean it isn't real for some people and their upset shouldn't affect those with infertility.

I always imagined myself with a dd first and that is what I had, I then fell pregnant again and was quite happy either way. My dh had a slight preference for a son and that is what we had. We are now trying for a third and yet again I have no preference but dh would like another dd.

@BrumBoo not having any beliefs about either religion or vegan I don't relate to those analogies. Sorry that doesn't work for me.

I don't have a 'belief' about gender either. I didn't chose or want or expect to experience gender disappointment. It just happened.

It really wasn't a choice. It just was.

@tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz

If someone wants one sex over another for a psychological reason stemming back to their own childhood, say for example to "right" a dysfunctional parent/child relationship, alarm bells should ring.

That issue needs resolving before bringing a child into the picture. It's very unfair to look to our kids to somehow make that better.

This in spades.

[quote reginafelangee]@BrumBoo not having any beliefs about either religion or vegan I don't relate to those analogies. Sorry that doesn't work for me.

I don't have a 'belief' about gender either. I didn't chose or want or expect to experience gender disappointment. It just happened.

It really wasn't a choice. It just was. [/quote]
Well you must have some belief in gender, otherwise what where you disappointed about .

I agree op I don't get it. It often seems to go along with a disappointment that they won't get to do 'girly' things as the child grows up, which shows a pretty limited and stereotyped view of what girls and boys are like.

I cannot understand it all. What I find even worse though, is when people expect you to be disappointed because you’re having another son/daughter.

I have 2 sons and a daughter. When I found out I was having a third son people asked me if I was ‘gutted’. It really, REALLY pissed me off.

@LaVitaPuoEsserePiuBella but patronising to tell other people how they'd feel about something no?

A friend of mine was told at the scan she was expecting a girl and she was so disappointed she asked for a second opinion..then did the same after her DD was born, asking had they definitely got it right!
I do kind of get it though, even though I haven't admitted to many people that I had a strong preference for one sex over the other.
But yeah, in most cases it's not a big thing and certainly to be "devastated" seems pretty over the top.

I haven't RTFT but a) it's sex, not gender and b) get a bloody grip. This is the most first-world "problem" imaginable

sex selective abortions are very third-world, so not really just a first-world problem, now is it?

I agree. It's usually incredibly shallow entitled people. Devastated at the birth of a child because its the wrong sex. They shouldn't have children.

@unmarkedbythat

I get your point but bloody hell, have a heart. Different people are bothered by different things. It doesn't hurt you. I have three sons, I get lots of 'will you try for a girl' and 'oh god three boys' type comments, I ignore the silly people.

I have two boys, and I'd love a third - boys rock!

I can see both sides to this. Completely agree that tears and complaining about being gutted is way OTT. It's fine to have a preference, fine to have a few moments to adjust, a bit much to be devastated.

On the other hand, what is pregnancy if not OTT and being devastated over things that you would normally not bat an eyelid at, or things you would normally take in your stride? When I was pregnant I cried genuine tears and was upset for days because the blanket in the pattern I wanted had sold out in my local shop. I had to, gasp, buy one in a different pattern and felt that I had let my unborn child down by not buying the superior patterned one straight away. I also was very upset because the carpets in his room were the wrong shade. Needless to say these are things that would never normally come close to upsetting me and the suggestion that you shouldn't get pregnant if you can't predict exactly how you will react to various scenarios is not helpful. I imagine GD to be a bit like my BPD (blanket pattern disappointment, obviously).

Also, as had been pointed out, lots of women have complicated background issues that manifest in unexpected ways. A close friend who experienced GD has had troubled relationships with the men in her life growing up, and had fantastic ones with the women. Natural, then, that part of her wanted to recreate her own childhood family set up with girls. Of course this passed quickly and she was very excited about her lovely boy months before he was born.

I understand a momentary 'oh it would have been nice to have a ...'

I don't understand the hundreds of largely hysterical threads on here where posters are absolutely devastated and heartbroken that the actual baby is healthy but had the wrong genitals. It feels like some people create a fantasy in their head of their preferred sex, where their ideal child is imagined as being the doting child, the right sex, with the right hobbies and interests etc etc.
They're so obsessed with the ideal child in their head that they fail to realise that even if they got the 'right' sex then there's no guarantee they'll get the ideal child. If anything there's the potential for conflict and disappointment if the ideal child doesn't play their part enough.

I think it makes sense to be a little disappointed if the biological sex of your child is not the same as your own biological sex. We seek out relatability, and it's easy to think you may have more in common (or more wisdom to impart) on a little girl if you're a woman, for example.
Not in all cases, but I don't think gender disappointment is a moral failing, personally. Of course, if it's as drastic as "devastation" then that's a new problem, but if it's just mild disappointment then I think it's a reasonable first response.

@MangoFeverDream

I haven't RTFT but a) it's sex, not gender and b) get a bloody grip. This is the most first-world "problem" imaginable

sex selective abortions are very third-world, so not really just a first-world problem, now is it?

They aren't done because of the mother's disappointment though. They are done because of cultural pressures which don't exist in western culture.

You know The Unmumsy Mum, Sarah Turner? She wrote a blog post years ago about how she experienced gender disappointment on finding out she was expecting a second son and would therefore never have a girl. She said she thought it was a lot to do with being one of two girls and of tragically losing her own mother, to whom she was very close, when she was a teenager.

I don’t ‘get’ gender disappointment in the sense that I haven’t experienced it. But when I read her post I really understood why someone might experience it. I think when people use the expression ‘mourn’ or ‘grieve’ they might be talking about mourning something much deeper.

I didn't experience disappointment as such but asked to find out the sec of my second child at the anomaly scan which we hadn't done the first time.

My reason was because I was worried I would be sad if it wasn't a girl. My Mum had died a year earlier and I had a very strong feeling of being the last female (I have a brother) and that link with the long maternal line stopping. I can't explain it but it was obviously bound up in grief.

I wanted to make sure if it was a bit, I had time to come to terms with that before the baby arrived.

It was a boy. I felt sad for about an hour and was then happy about another boy. We're not planning another child and occasionally I do feel a twinge of sadness but it's very much bound up in the biological female line of my family coming to an end.

It was a boy. I felt sad for about an hour and was then happy about another boy. We're not planning another child and occasionally I do feel a twinge of sadness but it's very much bound up in the biological female line of my family coming to an end.

I also felt sad about this as I wasn't able to have children at all. My DB has a son so thankfully our branch of the family isn't a complete dead end.

I have two DC.

One loves reading, vehicles, stuffed toys, pretend play, sparkles and glitter, building, swimming and baking.

The other loves balls, drawing, dancing, music, Peppa Pig, books, kitchen play.

Both are very affectionate and love cuddles, love the outdoors but otherwise very different temperaments.

None of the above gives away the SEX of my children. FFS. Babies are people. Not an "idea".'

This thread is nasty, if you have never experienced something you can't empathise with it but you can sympathize. This thread is like telling someone to "get a grip what have you got to be miserable for" when they have depression.
I'm as big a tomboy as they come, I'm not very feminine or girlie but I really wanted a dd because I wanted to sub consciously I suppose have the mother daughter relationship that I couldn't have with my toxic mother. It's not always about sparkles ffs. I have three boys I love them all but the feelings I felt onnscan 3 were real and valid and I had just as much right to them as anyone else is.