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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have no time for ‘gender disappointment’

417 replies

Dinosaur19 · 08/12/2020 13:26

Friend is having her first baby boy. Is ‘devastated’ as she ‘always wanted a girl’. AIBU to not understand this type of disappointment? Surely when you try for a baby you know that the odds are 50/50 and you should accept that or don’t have bloody kids. I have 2 DS so this pisses me off slightly.

OP posts:
LaVitaPuoEsserePiuBella · 08/12/2020 20:55

@Cheeeeislifenow

I am very sorry for those who have lost children or suffered terrible tragedy. I really am but that does not eradicate others feelings. Or invalidate them.
Your use of the word "but" negates your apology.
reginafelangee · 08/12/2020 20:55

@Bookworming

'no one should enter into a pregnancy and be gutted because the gender isn't the one they wanted.'

Personally I didn't. I had no idea I would experience gender disappointment until I did. It wasn't a choice. I didn't expect it. I'd never heard of it before.

Cheeeeislifenow · 08/12/2020 20:56

And the shame by the way, because of those feelings is often worse than the feelings themselves. Say for example you have PND and you should be thrilled you have a baby. It's the same for post natal depression too.
My feelings didn't disappear after birth I had help in taking antidepressants and therapy but I instantly loved my ds3 and he is totally a mammy's boy!

Cheeeeislifenow · 08/12/2020 20:58

@lavita I'm sorry if that's how that looks, that's not at all my intention in the slightest. I am extremely sorry for anyone who has suffered a terrible loss.

LaVitaPuoEsserePiuBella · 08/12/2020 20:58

I don't understand why so many people on this thread are using the word "gender".
It's sex. Biological sex.

LaVitaPuoEsserePiuBella · 08/12/2020 21:01

[quote Cheeeeislifenow]@lavita I'm sorry if that's how that looks, that's not at all my intention in the slightest. I am extremely sorry for anyone who has suffered a terrible loss.[/quote]
I too have lost a baby. Now that really is devastating.

In the words of Paul Simon from his beautiful song Graceland:
"Everybody sees you're torn apart
Everybody sees the window in your heart"

MonaLisaPiles · 08/12/2020 21:01

[quote reginafelangee]@Bookworming
'I think gender disappointment threads are extremely unthoughtful and unkind to people that either can't have a child or has lost a child.'

It is possible to suffer infertility, lose a child and experience gender disappointment.

People don't experience in order to make others feel bad. It's not a choice. [/quote]
I couldn’t agree more with these words.
It is not a choice.

berrygirlie · 08/12/2020 21:36

TW: Loss, infertility

People can experience pain of gender disappointment and it doesn't eradicate or undermine people who experience loss or infertility. Both are different forms of pain - unless someone has said "gender disappointment is worse than not being able to have a child" I don't think expressing that you are experiencing a difficulty means you are automatically being disrespectful to those who have lost children.

Just because somebody has it worse doesn't mean you don't have it badly, even if the external world doesn't understand your disappointment.

ivfbeenbusy · 08/12/2020 21:58

The saddest thing is that 99% of the gender disappointment threads on MN are about having boys. With mental health crisis in young men being at very high levels it's a tragedy that many boys are a disappointment to their mothers before they are even born

I lost 7 babies. To me gender disappointment isn't a "thing" - it's something expressed by those that have the luxury of that being the one thing they have to worry about in their pregnancy.

I don't know anyone who has been through infertility or lost a baby who experienced gender disappointment. It isn't a "thing" in our world

Arthersleep · 08/12/2020 22:11

I find this thread to be lacking in empathy. It is not that someone who is disappointed is ungrateful. This is often to do with anxiety and levels of confidence. For example I grew up in an all female household. I wanted to have girls because I felt that I would know what to do with them. People sometimes have preconceived ideas, as ridiculous as those might be and need time to get their head around a new idea. It is also very common for, especially first time Mum's, to worry about how how they will bond with their baby or whether they will get pnd, esp if they have already suffered from bouts of anxiety and depression. The feeling of 'gender disappointment' can really add to this fear, which will most likely be intermingled with guilt. It's also not nearly as simple as being ungrateful as they should feel lucky to conceive. A close friend of mine had several late miscarriages and, due to her depression, became further depressed when she learned the sex of her baby, as she was already extremely worried about how she would bond after all the grief that she had been through. So, instead of judging your friend, perhaps just reassure them that it won't matter a jot once they hold that baby in their arms. They are most likely seeking reassurance and worried about all the uncertainty that lies ahead. Supporting them could in turn reduce their risk of and. I really feel that this is a misunderstood area and that it is one of mental health and coping with change.

bluebluezoo · 08/12/2020 22:17

For example I grew up in an all female household. I wanted to have girls because I felt that I would know what to do with them

What do you do with girls specifically? What is it that’s different about boys that means you don’t know what to do with them.

You have a baby boy and what? Stare at it and thing if it’s genitals were different you’d know you had to feed it, change it, keep it warm?

This is the basis of gender preference, people seem to think boys and girls are different species.

I don’t think there’s anything you can do with a girl you can’t do with a boy, and vice versa.

berrygirlie · 08/12/2020 22:22

No, @bluebluezoo but babies aren't babies for ever. I'd love to have a child of either sex but I do have an ingrained mild preference to have at least one girl, because I know about periods and female contraception and female anatomy more than I know about the male counterparts to these things (as a small example). That's not to say I'd be unhappy with a boy, or with a boy I wouldn't try to expand my knowledge to help them, but it would be nice to be able to share that knowledge and be able to relate to a girl in a way that I wouldn't always be able to relate to a boy because I don't have that lived experience.

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 08/12/2020 22:27

Mild disappointment? Maybe. Devastation (barring where there is the chance of a sex specific inherited illness)? Nope, don’t really get it. One area I lived had to stop giving out the sex at the 20 week scan due to the prevalence of terminations due to the baby being the “wrong” sex.

Arthersleep · 08/12/2020 22:29

I also get the impression that you are taking this pretty personally OP, as a slight to your two sons. You have mentioned this several times. She's not saying that she dislikes boys, that they are monsters and she is almost certainly not inferring that your boys are not wonderful. This is just about the preconceived 'preference'/image that she had constructed. You have the benefit of insight. You know that your son's are bloody amazing and that boys are fantastic. Just as I also now know this. Just give her time to get used to a different, but equally great pathway that lies ahead for her. Some people just don't cope with change very well.

reginafelangee · 08/12/2020 22:33

@ivfbeenbusy

'I don't know anyone who has been through infertility or lost a baby who experienced gender disappointment. It isn't a "thing" in our world'

I have. Years of infertility and I lost 2 babies. And I experienced gender disappointment.

Leobynature · 08/12/2020 22:41

I am 32 weeks pregnant and I’m trying to cope with my GD. I have a beautiful girl already and I’m now I’m having a boy. I have brothers and always dreamed of having a sister. I wanted my DD to have a sister, a best friend, someone to share secrets, clothes and holidays with. She really wanted a sister too so that also may be a contribution. I know when my son is born I will be besotted and won’t care but it is the truth: I am definitely not planning on anymore either.

SatsumaFan · 08/12/2020 22:41

Being devastated is an overreaction I think, but who am I to judge another's feelings.

FWIW, I was a little disappointed finding out ds2 was another ds because my Mum had just died. Looking back I think my grief made me want to try and recreate the relationship we had, and irrational though it was, that meant it would be a bigger possibility if I had a daughter. I kept this private tho. I'm also surrounded by boys / men in my family so a little balance would have been nice.

Pregnancy hormones do funny things to people to don't forget. Women are allowed to feel disappointed without feeling guilty about others who may have had miscarriages or are struggling to get pregnant.

I wonder if Dadsnet is full of these threads but with men being disappointed they've found out they're having dd2/dd3/dd4 etc.

LadyFoxtrot · 08/12/2020 22:41

I get musing about it beforehand and having a ‘preference,’ but what I don’t get is why that preference sticks.

I always wanted boys, and only boys; used to joke that if I could wave a wand I’ve have boy twins and be done with it in one go.

I’m now 10 weeks pregnant with my first and that pretence has totally faded. The reality of that little baby being in there has taken all of that away; now I don’t care what it is, I just want to love it.

Arthersleep · 08/12/2020 22:41

@bluebluezoo

This is the basis of gender preference, people seem to think boys and girls are different species.

I completely agree with you. Rightly or wrongly though, that is how I felt before I had children and how many people feel. How could I know how individual boys or any children were though when I had very limited experience with boys or children generally and when media and society compounds the distinction. I had no father around, no male friends or cousins and lived with three generations of women (including my grandmother and her sisters). I have one of each now and am used to being around many young children. I see them all as individuals and not defined by sex. And I wish that I had known better before instead of the rather ridiculous ideas about what boys were like. But the truth is that that is how I did see them. And of course, the moment that they are born, all you see is a baby. The sex becomes wholly irrelevant.

Leobynature · 08/12/2020 22:46

I also think it is bizarre that people try to kid themselves year boys and girls are the same. Perhaps when they are babies, but inherently a females lived experience of womanhood will make her very different to a man. I love relating to women and feminism. The relationship I have with my mom is very precious and different to the relationship she has with my brothers.

VinylDetective · 08/12/2020 22:48

I don't know anyone who has been through infertility or lost a baby who experienced gender disappointment. It isn't a "thing" in our world

My second baby was stillborn at 24 weeks. I experienced gender disappointment.

Bagamoyo1 · 08/12/2020 22:49

@FluffyPurple

It's sad we live in a world where people are so dismissive of mental health issues still. Many people have depression due to gender disappointment.
I think if someone’s mental health is so fragile, that there is a 50% chance they will be plunged into depression when their baby was born (if it was the wrong gender) , they should seriously consider postponing ttc until they’ve had some counselling.
LolaSmiles · 08/12/2020 22:49

I also think it is bizarre that people try to kid themselves year boys and girls are the same
I don't think they're the same. They are biologically different and as a result will have different experiences.

I do think anyone building their hopes up so much that they get crushing disappointment needs a grip handing to them though, because they'd be in for a bumpy ride if they'd got the girl announcement at 20 weeks, spent months to years feeling happy about this fantasy child and how great it is that she's not a boy, only to find that aged 7 daughter joins a girls' football team and has no interest in playing dress up princesses.

Parker231 · 08/12/2020 22:52

Boys and girls are obviously biologically different but I have b/g DT’s - no difference in the way they were brought up.

VinylDetective · 08/12/2020 22:52

I don’t imagine anyone knows they’re going to experience gender disappointment in advance of being pregnant.