To have no time for ‘gender disappointment’

[Dinosaur19]

Friend is having her first baby boy. Is ‘devastated’ as she ‘always wanted a girl’. AIBU to not understand this type of disappointment? Surely when you try for a baby you know that the odds are 50/50 and you should accept that or don’t have bloody kids. I have 2 DS so this pisses me off slightly.

I saw someone post a gender reveal video online, and the parents were openly gutted to find out they were having a boy. I thought that was really sad, for them and their baby. I can’t understand the preference for one sex over the other personally and certainly not to the extent that you would post your disappointment online.

inherently a females lived experience of womanhood will make her very different to a man. I love relating to women and feminism
That’s only true if you take a stereotypical view of “womanhood”. I’d be interested to know what you think womanhood actually is? Am I not a woman if my experience doesn’t conform to what you define as womanhood?

@ivfbeenbusy I went through infertility and had gender disappointment

I have 3 DDs and I am often asked if I am "bothered" and if I'd have another to try for a boy

No and no.

It's like anything that can cause anxiety, stress, depression- it may to one person and won't to many others. I think we need to accept it's a 'thing'- babies terminated all over the world due to it, and depression/ anxiety caused by it. It's not fair to say it doesn't exist, and surely the focus should be on managing how to improve it?

Bagamoyo1

I think if someone’s mental health is so fragile, that there is a 50% chance they will be plunged into depression when their baby was born (if it was the wrong gender) , they should seriously consider postponing ttc until they’ve had some counselling.

/////: This.

Everyone wants a girl .. these threads are never about wanting a boy!!

Sad

@Leobynature

I wanted a sister - got two brothers abd we are so close.

Shame you have that dissapointment when this shouid be a lovely special Time in your life.

Agree. It's very self-indulgent. I have a DD and a DS, was aware throughout both pregnancies that seeing as it's 50/50 I could get either sex. I was just delighted to have two healthy children, as my poor DSis suffered years of infertility.

If you're going to be disappointed and devastated that you aren't having a specific baby, boy or girl, you've made a massive mistake having a baby as you're too immature to have one. It's very obvious it's a 50/50 choice, if you go into that wanting a specific one and are going to be upset if it's not, you're not ready for a child. That child shouldn't be unloved even slightly just because it's not exactly what you wanted. And it will be if the mother desperately wanted a different one, even unconsciously. It's not fair on the kid, they didn't ask to be born. And they'll know, they will know they weren't wanted.

My almost 4 year old has gender disappointment since finding out he’s having a sister. Self indulgent and shameful if you ask me. (I’m being lighthearted btw but he really isn’t happy!) Maybe it’s a ‘problem’ with our society and the world he’s grown up in, maybe if it matters to him his feelings should be acknowledged and worked through. Maybe both of those things. Actually I do think there are differences related to sex, in fact aspects of our whole society and the way we live have arisen out of them. It’s impossible to disentangle the socially constructed elements from the ‘real’ or biological (whatever that even means)!

Some of the comments on this thread (and other similar ones) confirm my belief that you shouldn’t find out in advance as to whether your much wanted baby is a girl or boy. There is no reason (medical reasons excepted) that you need to know before they are born.

@LaVitaPuoEsserePiuBella

I don't understand why so many people on this thread are using the word "gender". It's sex. Biological sex.

Actually, I’m pretty sure that gender disappointment is about gender rather than sex. It’s about all the preconceived ideas that people have about boys and girls.

They’re not disappointed in the biology so much as their ideas of what a little boy or girl should be.

The relief I felt when I found out DS3 was a boy was entirely about gender and the problematic gender stereotypes I’d have been fighting against every day had he been a girl. It’s a minor relief because I still have to fight against the boy stereotypes. But I just could not face a future of telling my husband and MIL that actually drinking out of a cup that isn’t pink or purple won’t harm a little girl and she needs proper shoes you can run in, not glittery ones with rainbows on them. It was a depressing prospect. And most definitely about gender.

I get what you're saying Kumquat. I've a DD (only child) and she's 12. The thought of the shit she's going to be navigating over the next 10-15 years (and beyond) just because she's female is incredibly depressing.

I agree with pp that even if you get the sex you’d hoped for, it’s no guarantee that the picture in your head will play out in reality. My parents had one of each and I’m not close with my mum at all. I was terrified of her as a child, we fought like cat and dog when I was a teenager and then I moved out as soon as it was feasible. I can tolerate her now for the length of time it takes to eat a meal and then I go home - which is on the other side of the country from her

My dad is massively into football and I’m sure he had ideas about having a boy but my brother isn’t into sport at all. To be honest, I don’t think the four of us have a shared interest between us

Actually, I’m pretty sure that gender disappointment is about gender rather than sex. It’s about all the preconceived ideas that people have about boys and girls.

They’re not disappointed in the biology so much as their ideas of what a little boy or girl should be
Definitely.
The preference for girls, based on what I've seen on here, seems to be that a girl is so much better than a boy because mum gets to do lots of girly things with a daughter, they will have a ready made best friend for life, they feel happier having the period talk, that they'll bond over shared experiences, that mum gets to attend girlie hobbies that interest her, they'd always pictured themselves with cute girly clothes, etc.
Then there's the idea that daughters will remain close to them for life whereas a son won't (which fits very much with the weird view on here that it's reasonable for DILs to tell their husband her family comes first, his mum has to grovel to see the children etc).

Sometimes I wonder whether there is an overlap between those who have devastating gender disappointments and those who keep their in laws at a distance for no other reason than their family comes first. It would make sense that people who expect their husbands to have limited relationships with his mum/always put his family behind his wife's family are also people who are devastated at having a son because they realise that one day their son might meet an unreasonable and possessive wife and they too could be treated like their MIL.

My parents also had one of each. I was the one who watched rugby with my dad. My brother wasn’t interested.

My dad is massively into football and I’m sure he had ideas about having a boy but my brother isn’t into sport at all. To be honest, I don’t think the four of us have a shared interest between us

This is it isn’t it. If the child likes gender typical stuff they go off and bond over it. If the child doesn’t the parent makes no attempt to find other common ground.

My mum, for example, tried for years to get me into makeup, wine, shopping etc. Never occurred to her that maybe she should try some of the things I liked.

My dad, interestingly, did. He was into football, and while he did have massively sexist views about girls and football, when we showed interest in other sports like swimming he made a big effort to get involved and support us in that. My mum was just “euh, you’ll smell of chlorine and get big shoulders, the boys won’t like that when you’re older and it’ll ruin your hair”.

I’ve seen families almost exist as two separate halves- boy spends all his time with dad, girl with mum. They go off and do their separate things and barely spend any time with the opposite sex child, because they don’t want to be doing x or y “boy” activity.

It’s sad.

If you think outside stereotypes you’ll be surprised at what you have in common.

I think some people still regard it as weird if a man hangs out with his mum though. He’s a mummy’s boy and a creep etc. But it’s fine if he hangs out with his dad. FWIW my sons have loads in common with me and zero interest in stuff their dad likes, and I have loads in common with my dad and zero interest in stuff my mum likes.

AnnnaBananna
You're right. Those attitudes are really damaging attitudes in my opinion.

It's a shame that we're in 2020 and rather than acknowledging there's some really stupid stereotypes, some people get upset if their baby is the wrong variety before they are even born.

To those who find out early - sometimes very early in the pregnancy, why do you want to know? You can’t change the outcome?

Do you not look forward to that special moment when they are born when your DH can let you know?

@Parker231

To those who find out early - sometimes very early in the pregnancy, why do you want to know? You can’t change the outcome?

Do you not look forward to that special moment when they are born when your DH can let you know?

As an aside not everyone has a DH there to tell them. Some might say the surprise followed by the experience of gender disappointment might be more damaging than having months to prepare and living with these feelings. Feelings I’m sure most women hate themselves for enough already

@Parker231 last two pregnancies I had the NIPT as I was older and found out at 10 weeks.

I didn't care either way, I just wanted to know!

@LolaSmiles

AnnnaBananna You're right. Those attitudes are really damaging attitudes in my opinion.

It's a shame that we're in 2020 and rather than acknowledging there's some really stupid stereotypes, some people get upset if their baby is the wrong variety before they are even born.

I think this is a good point. It will also be interesting to see if the ongoing gender and identity debate diminishes this sort of all pervasive stereotyping or in fact exacerbates it.

I do think though that attacking women who feel this way is wrong. I don’t get the gender disappointment thing but I can sort of understand why for many reasons a woman might yearn for a son or daughter. For many of us these reasons might seem superficial, spurious, disrespectful nonsensical even. That may be the case, but it is a highly subjective and often complex subconscious reason based on many aspects of their life experience and personal history. It probably is not that often just about playing football or dressing up a human doll.

But maybe I’m wrong and just trying to make something shallow deep.

To those who find out early - sometimes very early in the pregnancy, why do you want to know? You can’t change the outcome?

Do you not look forward to that special moment when they are born when your DH can let you know?
I dont buy into this big special reveal, whether it's at 20 weeks or at birth, and why would I need DH to tell me the sex of our baby to be special? We found out and had people saying 'oooh but what about the surprise' to which DH said 'boy or girl isn't exactly a big surprise'

As you say, it can't be changed. It's either a boy or a girl. Does it really matter when people find out?