AIBU to feel so hurt and disrespected?

[Raebo]

My partner is a Muslim, I am not...I was raised Christian to an extent, but I don't identify with any religion. I very much feel that trying to be a kind, decent human being just because it's the right thing to do, is enough for me. I spent years denying that there was a God, but now I'm a bit older and understand myself and my life a little more, I like to believe there's something greater than us, and it might as well be called "God", but nothing's set in stone as far as I'm concerned.

I've been honest about this since before we got together, and he's happy I feel some spirituality and entirely accepts my beliefs and understands my journey to reaching them.

We've been engaged for around 18 months. His mum and sister have put a lot of pressure on us to get married, but after I explained to my partner why I wanted to wait until we could afford a wedding, and that it's very important to me, and my family, he said we would wait until we could have the day I wanted. To be clear, I just wanted a small gathering of close friends and family, in a place of significance to us. Yes, I wanted a dress, and yes, I wanted flowers and a cake...but that really is the extent of it.

I have been kept a secret from my partners community (the members of his mosque). The fact we are unmarried and in a relationship is frowned upon, and that we're living together is apparently terrible. His mum wrote to the leader of their community asking for "permission" for us to marry (I don't agree with the requirement to do this, but I understand it's the done thing and shows respect and so I was happy for this to happen) however, in order for us to be granted permission, I would need to be "of the book" and so would need to be Muslim, Jewish, or Christian. She wrote that I was Christian; she also told them that I was considering converting to Islam...as I say, I'm not Christian, nor do I identify with any religion. I felt really disrespected, and actually felt it was quite humiliating...like not only am I not good enough for people to know about me, but that I'm also not good enough as a non-religious person, and that even if I was, I'd still be the "wrong" kind. It really hurt, but I shrugged it off and just hoped we'd be granted permission, so that they would be happy. A year later and she's still had no response, and so no permission.

A couple of months ago, we found out that I'm pregnant. It was unplanned, but we're very excited, we've talked about having a family since we met. I'm feeling really rough with the pregnancy, constantly nauseous and exhausted, I have high blood pressure and I'm already incredibly stressed as my brother is currently very ill, so in my mind, ideally we'd wait until the baby arrives, allow me to recover, then get married.

However, getting us married is now the absolute fixation of not only my MIL-to be, but my fiance also. He's in such a rush to get us to a registry office and just get it done, so that his mum and sister don't get any hassle from the community and so that they can celebrate and tell everyone.
He told me that we have two options, to get married quickly, so that his mum and sister can be a part of everything, or to wait until the baby is born, as would be my preference, but distance ourselves from them so they aren't in a difficult position.
Obviously this made me feel absolutely awful, and I really couldn't do something that would hurt them and cause them problems in their community, I know how important it is to them.
The other part of me is absolutely livid that I'm having my day taken from me for people who would consider me unworthy of marrying my partner, and that would shun my family for our actions, and that instead of just accepting that his family would choose the community over us and saying "suit yourself", we're bending to their will, so that they can "celebrate" and not be so ashamed of us. I should also note here, that they won't even be attending, because we haven't got permission to marry. It's so confusing!!

So now I'm faced with a 20 minute marriage ceremony in a registry office, whilst pregnant, instead of a wedding. I'm honestly distraught. I know I've agreed to this, but I really felt like I had no choice. I know he just doesn't understand how much of a slap in the face this is for me, or my family, because I haven't laboured the point as I wouldn't want to make things even more difficult for him. His family's commitment to their culture and community and constant nagging and guilt tripping, has already made things difficult enough for him.
He knows I'm upset, but I think in his mind I'm just gutted I don't get a party and to show off. I don't think he understands that this is something more than that...that my family tie a lot of importance to weddings, it's like a mark of respect for the bride, and her parents, and that she gets her day and is celebrated, and the fact she's found love is celebrated. It's not just about having a party or showing off, it's about respect and love. Being marched into a registry office just because you're pregnant is such a kick in the teeth, I feel like I'm being punished for having a baby.
But like I say, I don't want to cause him more stress than he's already under, he's not handling it well as it is, so it feels unfair for me to explain any of this to him.

Am I being unreasonable to feel so hurt and disrespected? Is this just a case of "pull yourself together"? I feel like it probably is...

It's a tough situation. You couldn't do the ceremony in a registry office and then later do a bigger ceremony as like a renewment of vows? You could use covid as an excuse as to why you didn't do it before and just had a small ceremony.

It is hurtful but a cross-cultural/cross-religion wedding is nearly always a complicated compromise involving a lot of family issues, so this wedding was never likely to be just "your day".

I don't think he understands that this is something more than that...that my family tie a lot of importance to weddings, it's like a mark of respect for the bride, and her parents, and that she gets her day and is celebrated, and the fact she's found love is celebrated. It's not just about having a party or showing off, it's about respect and love. Being marched into a registry office just because you're pregnant is such a kick in the teeth, I feel like I'm being punished for having a baby. But like I say, I don't want to cause him more stress than he's already under, he's not handling it well as it is, so it feels unfair for me to explain any of this to him.

Then you must explain this to him. You and your family are as entitled to your feelings as he and his family are entitled to theirs. You need to find a compromise that works for all of you, and for both your families too. If you focus on your family's feelings to him (rather than your your feeling of being disrespected) that should make sense to him as he is focussed on his family's feelings too.

As for a compromise - maybe get married in the registry and arrrange the family parties after the baby is born? Use Covid as an excuse.

@MimiDaisy11

It's a tough situation. You couldn't do the ceremony in a registry office and then later do a bigger ceremony as like a renewment of vows? You could use covid as an excuse as to why you didn't do it before and just had a small ceremony.

Yes this

Tell them it's your culture to have the wedding you want.

You’re not unreasonable to feel how you feel but part of me does think that something like this was likely to happen when you’re in a relationship with someone with very strong family traditions or religious beliefs etc.
I don’t mean that you have to “put up and shut up” but throughout your relationship you have been aware of the difficult position your fiancé is in - and how his family must also feel about it within their mosque and community. They probably feel like they have done as much as they can to have you accepted and to facilitate your relationship - I know in an ideal world we could all love and marry who we please with no questions asked but that’s not the reality of many religions and cultures.
Get married, be official then have the day you wish to have when COVID is over and you can organise everything as you want it.
It is a bit of a compromise yes but the stark reality is that by choosing a partner with a very different background you will spend your life compromising. That’s not a bad thing! But you do need to accept it and understand that it’s about what you BOTH want - and he wants to get married now because it’s VERY important to him and his family. It’s not about disrespect or not caring about your feelings.

He’s a Muslim and you will therefore have to accommodate the more traditional expectations of his community and pick your battles. It took two to get you pregnant and it is no surprise that they feel strongly you should be married. If they can accept a register office wedding, so can you. It doesn’t seem worth getting upset over. Congratulations on your pregnancy.

this is a tough one because crossing two cultures is super hard! I think it depends on what kind of relationship you would like in the long run, and which part of marriage is important to you? If the most important thing is a lovely ceremony, dress etc (nothing wrong with that at all, this is how I feel!) then maybe settle for a registry office wedding now and a vow renewal/blessing ceremony and small reception later - for the sake of keeping relationships civil with your in-laws to be!
I think this is also a case of researching what you are getting into, being with someone of any religion usually means that having a baby before marriage is a big no-no - and I think its worth thinking about the immense pressure he is under, and what you may be able to do to alleviate that pressure!
I think regarding not wanting to burden him with this is a mistake - ultimately how can you come to any decisions or compromises if neither of you know where you stand? Talk about it - you've got your whole life ahead of you as partners so don't start out by not communicating!

You really shouldn't have 'shrugged it off' when she asked permission for you to marry, it was the shape of things to come.

You are giving him PR, have you discussed circumcision? Do they wear head coverings, will a DD have to?

The issues over the quick wedding is nothing to how things could get. You can't carry on ignoring them.

My husband is from a similar background and my advice is this: say no now, if only because you need to make it known from day 1 that you aren't going to be bullied because of cultural issues. I never say something is okay when it isn't, but i always participate when something is fine, and so we have sort of a nice balance where i am never even expected to do anything OTT anymore but also get on well with them as i do get involved too. As there will be kids involved soon, the boundaries are extra important i think, (as they might have some expectations which you don't like involving the kids)

It's a difficult one. As much as its important to you to have the "special day" you want, its important to him to be married before having a baby. I dont think your non-religion should take priority over their religion. It's hard when you dont believe to understand their point of view. It's not like they're asking something barbaric though, I dont thin she was wrong to say you're Christian, your family is Christian, you were raised Christian. Not like you're Hindu and she said you were Christian.

I think you need to compromise with your husband a bit, it's all meant to be a joint thing, not just him doing what you want, it sounds important to him. You can have a registry office ceremony and then have your big celebration whenever you want.

Sorry but I think YABU a bit for being in a relationship with someone who is muslim and attends mosque regularly, to then get pregnant, and be surprised by this? What did you really think would happen? If he had lied to you loads it would be a different story.

No one can force you to get married or convert to Islam. Don't marry him if you don't want to.

That's really tough :( So often religion can be a good thing and bring out the best in people and other times it just unfairly controls people and has the worst effect on peoples lives.
You have been respectful of their culture, they also need to be respectful of yours. And part of your culture is having your day. At the end of the day they should be happy for you and their family however things come about. Otherwise they are making your relationship about themselves which is wrong. Do things the way you want to do them or you'll end up with resentment over the loss of things you're entitled to.
Congratulations on your new baby news by the way.

Lots of people right now are having a quick marriage service and planning the wedding celebration they want for after the pandemic. Can you do the same?

To be honest, you sound incredibly naive. If he's a practicing muslim, he can't marry you if you are not of a religion, it's simply not allowed.

You sound very upset that he doesn't respect your wants and culture, yet you seem to have none at all for his. It's all about your desire for a specific wedding, your family, the dress, the flowers...what about the fact that his family are in a bad position in their community because not only are you not of their religion, you are of none, and you are living together, unmarried AND pregnant?

I have no respect for any of the rules of that community...but you chose this man, and he does, which means you don't get to just ignore it all. You're coming across as rather selfish and self-absorbed and you have no idea of the disasters that lay ahead.

Sorry to be blunt but I give it 3 years until he is married to a nice Muslim girl and you never see him again.

I really feel like you should have thought this through and discussed things better before all this happened. He has strong beliefs, it's not his family, its him, you are going to conflict on so many decisions, you really need some big conversations.
Is your child going to be circumcised, raised Muslim, go to mosque, wear a head covering. There are so many things that he believes are very important and that you dont. I really can't believe you've never had conversations about how you will mix your different beliefs. And there's going to be things you both have to compromise on that you really dont want to.
But you knew he was Muslim, so you dont get to put your foot down and demand everything is your way, because you knew you have very different fundamental beliefs.

" he just doesn't understand how much of a slap in the face this is for me, or my family,"

But you wanting to have the baby without being married is a slap in the face for him and his family.

Either way, somebody gets a 'face slap'.

This type of situation will arise again and again. As a PP says, there's circumcision, head covering, etc, also a wealth of issues about bringing up the child in his faith, education in general, how you live, how involved the inlaws are, etc, etc. Many of these issues arise in families with similar cultural/faith backgrounds, but differences just add more complexity to the mix.

I'd suggest having a good discussion with your DP about how you both see the future and what your expectations are about how your family life will look. Leave the wedding to one side and consider the marriage.

Get the legal bit done, then do the real thing later. You're hardly alone in that at the moment.

It seems to me that he and his family will have already done a lot of compromising. I would imagine that there a lot of people in the community who might already have been giving his family grief, but they've hidden it from you. Given that you can still have the occasion you want later. My SIL did this for practical reasons, and she said that her 'wedding day' was every bit as special as it will have been if it had also been their legal marriage (which took place months earlier). She said the wedding was when she actually considered herself married..

This can't be coming as a surprise to you, they've been clear all along what their views are. Nobody forced you to continue the relationship.

I too think you might have rushed into things not fully understanding how different their culture and religion is. Not right or wrong but different, very different.

Sadly now comes the time to face the first main conflict and where some things don't make sense to you or seem fair because of those differences.

This is a difficult situation but there are two important things to remember:

A) your culture and beliefs are just as important as your partners
B) you are both responsible for getting pregnant outside of marriage

Obviously it's important that respect your partner's beliefs, but be careful to advocate for yourself too.

This means that your desire to plan a wedding is just as important as your partner's wish to be married straight away.

If I were you, I'd consider doing both (so a registry office followed by a wedding once this was possible). But I'd be more concerned with future issues since you seem to be on different pages...

Have you both had honest discussions on how you feel about cultural/religious issues that might arise in your marriage or whilst raising children?

For example are you comfortable with circumcision, feeding exclusively halal food, facilitating a religious education (and/or whatever is important to your partner)?

Likewise, is there anything that you want to be respected in regards to raising your joint child? For example, is it important to you that your child is allowed to choose their own religion, celebrates Christmas, attends a secular school, and/or anything else?

Too often people leave these discussions until the last minute which can cause upset on both sides.

Ideally you should have discussed expectations before getting engaged and pregnant, but it's not too late to discuss things now.

Honestly I’ve never heard of a wedding being a mark of respect for the bride. Is this cultural but not religious? Because it really does come across that you want a big white wedding, but it can’t happen because it will cause problems in his Muslim community AND you’re pregnant. I don’t see this ending well.

I've just read my post back and it sounds judgemental- sorry!

Me and dh have different religions beliefs and have had these discussions ourselves

It absolutely can work out fine, as long as you are both committed to making things fair and treating each other with respect.

Congratulations on the baby

I see your point OP but I think you're also downplaying the cultural and religious pressures at play. You talk about being 'shunned' as if it isnt a big deal and they should just accept it, but in some cultures this isnt just stopping talking to a few people, it's being completely outcast from all aspects of their society and will affect every aspect of their life, losing friends, someone to worship, community, places to shop, it can affect business etc. Its not that you have done anything wrong but it's not their fault either that they are risking being treated badly because of their association with you, so it's not really their fault either. You're all just trying to make the most of the situation.

Honestly, just get married if you're going to get married anyway, and then, at your leisure, plan the day.

OP you knew he was from a conservative family if he kept you secret. Personally I would not have tolerated this. I have dated Muslim men who were open about me to their families and friends because they were not that conservative.

Him wanting to marry right away now shouldn’t come as a surprise. Can you compromise? Can you do the registry office and then have a party with your nice dress etc next Year?