AIBU to feel so hurt and disrespected?

[Raebo]

My partner is a Muslim, I am not...I was raised Christian to an extent, but I don't identify with any religion. I very much feel that trying to be a kind, decent human being just because it's the right thing to do, is enough for me. I spent years denying that there was a God, but now I'm a bit older and understand myself and my life a little more, I like to believe there's something greater than us, and it might as well be called "God", but nothing's set in stone as far as I'm concerned.

I've been honest about this since before we got together, and he's happy I feel some spirituality and entirely accepts my beliefs and understands my journey to reaching them.

We've been engaged for around 18 months. His mum and sister have put a lot of pressure on us to get married, but after I explained to my partner why I wanted to wait until we could afford a wedding, and that it's very important to me, and my family, he said we would wait until we could have the day I wanted. To be clear, I just wanted a small gathering of close friends and family, in a place of significance to us. Yes, I wanted a dress, and yes, I wanted flowers and a cake...but that really is the extent of it.

I have been kept a secret from my partners community (the members of his mosque). The fact we are unmarried and in a relationship is frowned upon, and that we're living together is apparently terrible. His mum wrote to the leader of their community asking for "permission" for us to marry (I don't agree with the requirement to do this, but I understand it's the done thing and shows respect and so I was happy for this to happen) however, in order for us to be granted permission, I would need to be "of the book" and so would need to be Muslim, Jewish, or Christian. She wrote that I was Christian; she also told them that I was considering converting to Islam...as I say, I'm not Christian, nor do I identify with any religion. I felt really disrespected, and actually felt it was quite humiliating...like not only am I not good enough for people to know about me, but that I'm also not good enough as a non-religious person, and that even if I was, I'd still be the "wrong" kind. It really hurt, but I shrugged it off and just hoped we'd be granted permission, so that they would be happy. A year later and she's still had no response, and so no permission.

A couple of months ago, we found out that I'm pregnant. It was unplanned, but we're very excited, we've talked about having a family since we met. I'm feeling really rough with the pregnancy, constantly nauseous and exhausted, I have high blood pressure and I'm already incredibly stressed as my brother is currently very ill, so in my mind, ideally we'd wait until the baby arrives, allow me to recover, then get married.

However, getting us married is now the absolute fixation of not only my MIL-to be, but my fiance also. He's in such a rush to get us to a registry office and just get it done, so that his mum and sister don't get any hassle from the community and so that they can celebrate and tell everyone.
He told me that we have two options, to get married quickly, so that his mum and sister can be a part of everything, or to wait until the baby is born, as would be my preference, but distance ourselves from them so they aren't in a difficult position.
Obviously this made me feel absolutely awful, and I really couldn't do something that would hurt them and cause them problems in their community, I know how important it is to them.
The other part of me is absolutely livid that I'm having my day taken from me for people who would consider me unworthy of marrying my partner, and that would shun my family for our actions, and that instead of just accepting that his family would choose the community over us and saying "suit yourself", we're bending to their will, so that they can "celebrate" and not be so ashamed of us. I should also note here, that they won't even be attending, because we haven't got permission to marry. It's so confusing!!

So now I'm faced with a 20 minute marriage ceremony in a registry office, whilst pregnant, instead of a wedding. I'm honestly distraught. I know I've agreed to this, but I really felt like I had no choice. I know he just doesn't understand how much of a slap in the face this is for me, or my family, because I haven't laboured the point as I wouldn't want to make things even more difficult for him. His family's commitment to their culture and community and constant nagging and guilt tripping, has already made things difficult enough for him.
He knows I'm upset, but I think in his mind I'm just gutted I don't get a party and to show off. I don't think he understands that this is something more than that...that my family tie a lot of importance to weddings, it's like a mark of respect for the bride, and her parents, and that she gets her day and is celebrated, and the fact she's found love is celebrated. It's not just about having a party or showing off, it's about respect and love. Being marched into a registry office just because you're pregnant is such a kick in the teeth, I feel like I'm being punished for having a baby.
But like I say, I don't want to cause him more stress than he's already under, he's not handling it well as it is, so it feels unfair for me to explain any of this to him.

Am I being unreasonable to feel so hurt and disrespected? Is this just a case of "pull yourself together"? I feel like it probably is...

I think the fact that you don’t really like his culture and he doesn’t really like yours is always going to be an issue, and you are both going to have to just acknowledge that and deal with it. Try to help him understand that this isn’t “he has beliefs and culture and you don’t”, the situation is that you both have different, often contradictory, beliefs and culture. I want to say you should respect each others’ beliefs, but I’m not sure that is realistic if you both deep down believe that the other is on the wrong page.

That said, I don’t think his family have taken away ‘your day’. If I’ve read your post right, you’ve been engaged 2yrs 6 months, are now pregnant, and still didn’t want to set a date til you can do it perfectly? That’s just foolish. Life happens, people die, both of you have relatives who would like this to happen in their lifetimes. You had time to organise a wedding, if you couldn’t afford the one you wanted then you could have either borrowed money or had a cheaper one, waiting indefinitely was silly. You may see the wedding as a celebration of the bride and of love, and it kind of is, but frankly at its core marriage was invented to be clear about who the father is of any children and to give the mother a bunch of legal protections. Your legal rights as an unmarried mother are very different to your rights as a wife. His family are right, getting married before the baby comes is best for everyone. That isn’t a question of culture, it’s just a legal fact.

There was in the past a time when you could have had the romantic wedding of your dreams but I think you need to accept that the moment moved on, things changed and it’s now time for you to get on with the marriage. Have as nice a wedding day as you can and focus on the marriage and baby not the wedding day. There’s nothing romantic about waiting several years to spend a load of cash anyway (speaking from experience).

What’s wrong with a wedding in a registration office (there’s no such thing as a ‘registry’ office).

You can still wear a nice dress and have flowers, music, readings etc. The service and paperwork will come to about £300-350.

If you just sign the paperwork in front of witnesses it will be more like £120-150.

Partner slept with you knowing full well you are not Muslim and not married!! He needs to back you up and he is not a practicing Muslim!!

Just be very careful. My friend married a Muslim and all was well until children arrived. He then became overly religious-where previously he was off out drinking at nightclubs etc. Now there’s no alcohol in the house, she’s not allowed out alone at night, can’t see her family at Xmas. It’s horrendous. Please be careful.

It's pretty harsh of his family to back away from a pregnant family member.
Surely compassion is at the heart of Abrahamic religions?
I appreciate it's more complicated than that. But it's so sad that it is.
Compassion is referenced thousands of times in the Qur'an.

You are both well overdue a conversation about what you both expect, how you negotiate and how you'll proceed. Not just on the wedding, but on everything - your children, your future lives.

His family sound pretty awful and over bearing. Its no-one's decision but yours and dp's.

It’s not going to end well, this is just the start. He will be under so much pressure from his family and elders, I doubt he’ll ditch his family and religion when they pile more pressure on.

My husband and I ended up in a registry office, and reception in our back garden, it was the best wedding ever, and even now over 9 years later people talk about how it was the most personal and romantic wedding they had been to.

We planned it all within 10 weeks, and it cost under 3k, the idea was to renew our vows at a bigger do later, but honestly, the day was perfect, there was no need to do it again, I had the dress, the cake, the bump 😉

Your overthinking it, if you love this man, and want to spend your life with him, get wed, but do it for you and your relationship, not them

I hate to say this op, but wait til you see how much they interfere in the upbringing of your child. And they absolutely will.

Have you discussed this with your DP? Has he agreed to the child not being brought up Muslim?

Believe me OP......you’ve seen nothing yet!

I don't think he understands that this is something more than that.
How do you know he doesn't understand and just values his female family members wants and needs over yours?
He sounds like he's shown you on more than one occasion what his opinion is and what he expects for his future. His mum just seems more verbal about it than him.

I have seen the exact same thing happen with my friend, they were down that registry office within days of her pregnancy.

She has gone on to have a reasonably successful marriage but there has been a lot of tension at times over bringing the children up as Muslim, having them circumcised (they did) and having Arabic classes and so forth.

You seem surprised this is a big deal for them which I'm surprised by- I think your partner has played down the extent to which his faith and his community is important to him so far, and actually this is about to become very apparent. You will be expected to bring your children up in that faith- which is fine if that's what you want, if you do not, then you need to negotiate a different relationship fast and consider whether he's going to back you or back his family going forward. If its his family, I would get out now, but he may be just trying to bridge the gap at the moment and may back you if you state your case.

Just be very careful. My friend married a Muslim and all was well until children arrived. He then became overly religious-where previously he was off out drinking at nightclubs etc. Now there’s no alcohol in the house, she’s not allowed out alone at night, can’t see her family at Xmas. It’s horrendous. Please be careful.
I have supported many women and children in my job where this has happened.
I think you are going to have bigger issues than a wedding, especially when it comes to raising the child if your views, values, and cultures are so different.

Your OP is absolutely full of examples of you tolerating things that you feel deeply uncomfortable with for the sake of your DP's religion and culture.

You tolerated him keeping you a secret, even though this made you feel uncomfortable and "unworthy". You agreed to permission for your marriage being requested in writing although that didn't sit right with you either. You allowed yourself to be pressured into claiming to be a Christian when you're not, and it turns out that wasn't good enough anyway. You felt hurt and disrespected when your MIL claimed you were converting to Islam but "shrugged it off". You've now been told that you can't have the wedding you want (and that your DP previously agreed to) but you "haven't wanted to labour the point" even though you're "distraught".

I'm sorry OP but I have to agree with pp saying this is just the start. In your position I would be considering my options very carefully.

I hate this. His community are displaying the very worst aspects of religions - judgment, misogyny, potential shunning. But you can't criticise Islam or you'll be called all sorts. YANBU and he is unreasonable for being in a relationship and having a baby with someone his "community" disapprove of without considering how that affects you. Either he's with you or he isn't.

I agree with everyone else. You made a decision to be in a committed relationship with someone who was religious and came from a community that sees marriage as sacrosanct. You will also be expected to allow your child to be raised Muslim. This is all stuff you really should have considered when you were choosing a life partner.

I hate to say it. But surely you knew what you were letting yourself in for?

A pregnancy out of wedlock with a non-Muslim will be the absolute height of embarrassment for the family. And whilst I think that's really sad, you can't really be surprised now that they've given you the options they have.

The final option you have is to walk away.

I think you are being a little unreasonable tbh. You cant possibly have thought that they'd be ok with you having a child out of wedlock, that's still a really big deal in many cultures. You and your fiance are going to have to sort this out between you.

Have you got firm agreement with your partner about how your child will be raised? Will a boy be circumcised? Will they be allowed to celebrate christmas etc. as per your cultural norms as well as his religious and cultural festivals, or just his? What about schooling etc?

Don't be pressured into marriage now just because you're pregnant - only get married if you are both on the same page and can find acceptable compromise and both want to be married to each other for the right reasons, not just because you're pregnant.

You hold some degree of power outside of marriage - you can register the baby yourself with just you having PR and with full say over baby's surname etc.

I wouldn't want to marry someone who kept me a secret for so long. You say you feel his family don't respect you and your religious and cultural background - do you honestly think they will respect you more on marriage?

I think YABU. You’ve been given two options, wed now or the two of you distance yourself from his mum and sister.

Sounds like they’re trying to find the best solution in a difficult situation.

You talk a lot about what a wedding day means to you in terms of celebrating the bride but don’t seem too sympathetic about what his mum and sister will face.

@Nottherealslimshady

It's a difficult one. As much as its important to you to have the "special day" you want, its important to him to be married before having a baby. I dont think your non-religion should take priority over their religion. It's hard when you dont believe to understand their point of view. It's not like they're asking something barbaric though, I dont thin she was wrong to say you're Christian, your family is Christian, you were raised Christian. Not like you're Hindu and she said you were Christian.

I think you need to compromise with your husband a bit, it's all meant to be a joint thing, not just him doing what you want, it sounds important to him. You can have a registry office ceremony and then have your big celebration whenever you want.

Their religion shouldn't come before her beliefs even if not religous.

Their religion shouldn't come before her beliefs even if not religous.

True, but she has a choice to not get married and for her and fiancé to give mum and sister some space so they can maintain community standing. OP has decided she would rather see his mum and sis and therefore get married.

I don't believe in God as the Christian & Muslim religions portray them & therefore would not be able to have a serious long term relationship with a man who was a religious Muslim or born again Christian.

Just as I would find it hard to be with a man who hard very different political views to mine - we'd be arguing constantly!

The only people I've known whose relationships have not broken down where there's a big difference in religion have converted to their more religious partners' faith & followed it with them.
They have then brought their children up in that faith & got on well with in laws.

@Raebo how have you managed to stay together so long when your views on the basics of life are clearly so different??

I hate the hypocrisy of this - if he's a practising Muslim and his beliefs are so important to him, why did he sleep with you before you were married?

Same with his Mum and sister, whether you have a quickie wedding or not, it doesn't change the fact that the baby was conceived out of wedlock. It seems that it's all for show and looking respectable for the community regardless of the facts.

Congrats on your pregnancy and I hope you find a solution you are both comfortable with