AIBU to feel so hurt and disrespected?

[Raebo]

My partner is a Muslim, I am not...I was raised Christian to an extent, but I don't identify with any religion. I very much feel that trying to be a kind, decent human being just because it's the right thing to do, is enough for me. I spent years denying that there was a God, but now I'm a bit older and understand myself and my life a little more, I like to believe there's something greater than us, and it might as well be called "God", but nothing's set in stone as far as I'm concerned.

I've been honest about this since before we got together, and he's happy I feel some spirituality and entirely accepts my beliefs and understands my journey to reaching them.

We've been engaged for around 18 months. His mum and sister have put a lot of pressure on us to get married, but after I explained to my partner why I wanted to wait until we could afford a wedding, and that it's very important to me, and my family, he said we would wait until we could have the day I wanted. To be clear, I just wanted a small gathering of close friends and family, in a place of significance to us. Yes, I wanted a dress, and yes, I wanted flowers and a cake...but that really is the extent of it.

I have been kept a secret from my partners community (the members of his mosque). The fact we are unmarried and in a relationship is frowned upon, and that we're living together is apparently terrible. His mum wrote to the leader of their community asking for "permission" for us to marry (I don't agree with the requirement to do this, but I understand it's the done thing and shows respect and so I was happy for this to happen) however, in order for us to be granted permission, I would need to be "of the book" and so would need to be Muslim, Jewish, or Christian. She wrote that I was Christian; she also told them that I was considering converting to Islam...as I say, I'm not Christian, nor do I identify with any religion. I felt really disrespected, and actually felt it was quite humiliating...like not only am I not good enough for people to know about me, but that I'm also not good enough as a non-religious person, and that even if I was, I'd still be the "wrong" kind. It really hurt, but I shrugged it off and just hoped we'd be granted permission, so that they would be happy. A year later and she's still had no response, and so no permission.

A couple of months ago, we found out that I'm pregnant. It was unplanned, but we're very excited, we've talked about having a family since we met. I'm feeling really rough with the pregnancy, constantly nauseous and exhausted, I have high blood pressure and I'm already incredibly stressed as my brother is currently very ill, so in my mind, ideally we'd wait until the baby arrives, allow me to recover, then get married.

However, getting us married is now the absolute fixation of not only my MIL-to be, but my fiance also. He's in such a rush to get us to a registry office and just get it done, so that his mum and sister don't get any hassle from the community and so that they can celebrate and tell everyone.
He told me that we have two options, to get married quickly, so that his mum and sister can be a part of everything, or to wait until the baby is born, as would be my preference, but distance ourselves from them so they aren't in a difficult position.
Obviously this made me feel absolutely awful, and I really couldn't do something that would hurt them and cause them problems in their community, I know how important it is to them.
The other part of me is absolutely livid that I'm having my day taken from me for people who would consider me unworthy of marrying my partner, and that would shun my family for our actions, and that instead of just accepting that his family would choose the community over us and saying "suit yourself", we're bending to their will, so that they can "celebrate" and not be so ashamed of us. I should also note here, that they won't even be attending, because we haven't got permission to marry. It's so confusing!!

So now I'm faced with a 20 minute marriage ceremony in a registry office, whilst pregnant, instead of a wedding. I'm honestly distraught. I know I've agreed to this, but I really felt like I had no choice. I know he just doesn't understand how much of a slap in the face this is for me, or my family, because I haven't laboured the point as I wouldn't want to make things even more difficult for him. His family's commitment to their culture and community and constant nagging and guilt tripping, has already made things difficult enough for him.
He knows I'm upset, but I think in his mind I'm just gutted I don't get a party and to show off. I don't think he understands that this is something more than that...that my family tie a lot of importance to weddings, it's like a mark of respect for the bride, and her parents, and that she gets her day and is celebrated, and the fact she's found love is celebrated. It's not just about having a party or showing off, it's about respect and love. Being marched into a registry office just because you're pregnant is such a kick in the teeth, I feel like I'm being punished for having a baby.
But like I say, I don't want to cause him more stress than he's already under, he's not handling it well as it is, so it feels unfair for me to explain any of this to him.

Am I being unreasonable to feel so hurt and disrespected? Is this just a case of "pull yourself together"? I feel like it probably is...

Wow. OP, you’ve got some really extreme advice here. I hope you read it all factoring in that you’re the only one who knows the family and the actual situation.

I’m going to take the side of the family, I’m afraid. It does actually sound that in Muslim parent terms they’re relatively chilled. But even my Irish Catholic mother would be pushing for a wedding in this situation. I think it’ll be very difficult for you to come back from this if you do get married after the baby.

Honestly, what are you waiting for really? You’re acting as though you’re married- but waiting for the one perfect day will just put a massive pressure on that day, and leave you deflated afterwards. It really is just one day. The actual marriage is more important- as is your relationship with your in-laws, who you’re going to be stuck with for years.

Good luck. It does sounds like you’re having a nightmare- but think of the glorious things you can buy for the baby instead of having a giant wedding.

Congratulations on your pregnancy OP!

I would recommend that you go to a relationship counsellor & discuss (again), how you plan to raise your children. I'd get agreements on paper. That would be important to me. Even if you think now there's no chance he will ever change his mind, it seems to be a common occurrence & wouldn't hurt you. Could also benefit the child & you should also have a will which includes who dc should be left with in case of joint death.

For the wedding, I agree a legal ceremony & then marriage celebration down the line. Best of luck & look after yourself

You’re not unreasonable to feel how you feel but part of me does think that something like this was likely to happen when you’re in a relationship with someone with very strong family traditions or religious beliefs etc.

This. I get that you're upset and why. But this is why I never got involved with anyone religious. I can have enough respect to leave people to their religious beliefs, but not enough to be tied to them in my personal life. I think OP that this is what your life will be like. I hope he's worth it.

Not very helpful but my parents always said when it comes to choosing partners race shouldn't be an issue but religion and nationality would be.

Talk to him about what you both want, but this time call him out on his emotional blackmailing. Ignore his families wishes, they aren't the ones getting married, and ignore the religion talk, if he gave a crap about being a good Muslim he wouldn't have had sex with you out of marriage.
If what the community think is more important to him than you, why do you even want to marry him?

Get married in the register office asap. You can always have a blessing service in the religion/s of your choice at a later date.

If you don't want to get married without the wedding, don't get married without the wedding. He may want to, but you don't. He can't force you to get married now and should have thought about that before the unprotected sex.

Obviously you feel how you feel... but I can’t quite identify with it
If you know you want to spend the rest of your life with him and marry him then I can’t see the issue with getting on and doing that at a registry office and having a big wedding blessing party later. Surely it’s the marriage that matters.
And yes maybe you don’t agree but in his culture it is the done thing to marry before having the baby so it will just make everything easier for him. Why wouldn’t you want to do that? He’s not being deliberately difficult

This is “normally” why cultures don’t mix, they have different beliefs about how things are done and whatever which way someone is going to get hurt.

It’s a shame as it’s not done in malice, it’s just what happens when people from 2 strong cultures get together.

Your not unreasonable, but neither is he.

The situation with raising our children is something I'm far more comfortable with standing my ground on. I'm sure many would agree that what they're able to tolerate for themselves, is very different to what they will put up with for their loved ones, and worlds apart from what they'll stand for their children.
We're both already fiercely protective of the baby, and if something negative was said regarding our parenting choices, or worse, our child, by a loved one or a stranger, that is not something we would take lightly.
We have made our decisions regarding our baby together, and we'll continue to do so. If I believed there was even the slightest chance he'd betray me on those decisions, I wouldn't be with him.

I have to say, I really don't appreciate the jumping to conclusions that's been going on with some of these posts...he's not a bigoted dickhead who's suddenly turned on me, he's very relaxed about his relationship with his faith, which is how we have such a wonderful relationship, but have still been able to keep our own belief systems. But his family aren't so relaxed, and so he wants to protect them. However, his family are not stroppy "my way or the highway" types either...they're just devout in their faith, and don't want any aggro or embarrassment.
It's the judgement of the community that's difficult for me to get my head around. How anyone could think it was any bad thing that two people fell in love, and are kind to one another, take care of their families, are decent to others, try to be respectful of everyone, and just want to live a happy, honest life together, is insane to me.
The fact that the threat of judgment by these people can dictate how we live, and that our needs and wants disappear because of people so narrow-minded...just seems so wrong. My family (his family) don't deserve to be shunned because of decisions my partner and I make. But we don't deserve to be pushed into doing things the way someone else expects us to, against our wishes, either.

And I'm not a ditsy moron who doesn't understand her partners faith or the implications of a mixed marriage. I just wanted to understand if anyone else would feel like I feel in this situation. I've made my decision, I'm not asking what I should do. I know the best thing to do for my future husband and his family, is to put my own feelings aside and get married quickly, so that they don't suffer.
What I'm asking is if my feelings are unreasonable given the circumstances?

@Raebo what’s more important, that you are honest with your future husband about the things that are important to you, or that your future in laws can save face in front of their community? Who should be the priority here?

You need to put your foot down now. If you are not intending to live your life in service to the standards of his community, you’ll have to. You and your desire for a proper wedding are worth something. He needs to grow a pair and talk to you about it, not his mum. It might be that compromises need to be made, but that’s between you and your husband to be. If he can’t cope with that, he should marry within his own community.

I know the best thing to do for my future husband and his family, is to put my own feelings aside and get married quickly, so that they don't suffer.

I disagree with this. It’s not actually the best thing to squash your own feelings and desires in deference to other people’s. It makes you project that you are lesser and teaches others to treat you as such.

You seem to be differentiating his family from the community, but they are the community. They're perpetuating the belief that you should be ashamed if you aren't married before the baby arrives by adding this pressure. No one in this loving family has centred you in your life

Also, thank you to those who have actually looked at the heart of the issue here, instead of just judging either me or my partner for getting pregnant...or even getting involved with each other.

I just needed reassurance that I wasn't crazy for feeling upset. Ultimately, I've chosen my partners happiness, our marriage, and his family's peace of mind, over upsetting everyone about a wedding. So to those of you who actually understood that, even if you still feel I'm being a bit of a twat in my handling of the situation; thank you.

And so many thanks for the congratulations! We're so happy with our news, regardless of the complications its thrown our way.

Don't rush into it just don't

They can't push you around like this

This sounds tough but it is par for the course in certain community. I have experience of similar in Hindu communities. A relationship, with sex, cohabiting, with a non-muslim woman, now a pregancy outside of wedlock--- this is big stuff for a strongly muslim family and community. Its hard to understand if you haven't lived in it but the standing in the community is an incredibly powerful thing. Really it shows how much his family like you that they are supportive of your relationship, even of your pregnancy in their own way. Not that it isnt difficult, of course, but this is who they are. At the end of the day, only you can decide what you can and can't tolerate, though.

And I will be discussing my feelings with my partner...I think everyone who's said this was right. I can't keep silent when things are hurting me, he'd be fuming and so upset if he found out I'd gone through this without discussing it with him, even if he understands why.
The decision I've made will stay the same, but he should, and they should, understand that this doesn't feel like a small sacrifice to me, it's something of huge significance.

You knew the rules and set up from the word go. Either go along with it or don't. I agree with the person who said they can't see it ending well.

If you love each other then just get married now. Plan your vow renewal for after the babys born.

Good for you to stand up for yourself & honesty makes relationships easier

OP, you're not married to him yet, haven't had your child yet and already need internet strangers to tell you how to manage the cultural differences. Because you've been put in a situation by your partner and his family that makes you upset and causes anxiety....

The community IS family too - and maybe you've underestimated how important they really are in his faith, to him and his family.

Hopefully you realise why many posters on here see that as a red flag to a happy, meeting of cultures. If you think protecting your child is important, his family will too - the child is their family and heir too. The issue is you have no happy middle ground between all of you and what you want/believe not just around weddings but fundamental belief systems.

Hopefully you can find some compromises and be assured he'll always have your back. I'm guessing you did not foresee the challenges with something as simple as a wedding. And I genuinely hope you have no other surprises thrown your way with other differences that will arise.

In the Muslim community, for the most part, religion and tradition is a huge part of their culture, so I would have thought very carefully before forming a relationship, especially bearing in mind your admission that you aren’t religious yourself. His parents aren’t to blame for the situation, it’s just the way their community operates, and obviously they’re in danger of being ostracised by that community. It must be a nightmare for your DP to keep you, his parents and the community happy. He’s having to spin a lot of plates there.

YANBU to feel upset about it all, but, you should have known that this would happen should you fall pregnant. And you did - so your 'want' of the wedding you want is now going to have to go - because you are putting his and his families feelings/religion first. Nothing wrong with falling in love with someone in a different religion, but perhaps you have underestimated how fervent they are in their faith. Essentially you say your partner is stuck between a 'rock and a hard place' so he has decided in order to placate his mother and sister - your needs and wants will have to go. Where is the compromise? Or is always going to be you, making him and his family happy, to your detriment? Have you thought about that?

Re children, you say that now, it might all change. My uncle married a muslim woman, lovely lady, and i love her, she's my aunt. She also promised the kids wouldbt be brought up in the faith, they would be non-denom and get to choose when old enough.... she then decided to suddenly introduce muslim lessons, soon enough, the kids were 100% muslim, which is fine, but NOT what she said, and it was what her community wanted... years later, nothingnesses my cousins have turned their backs on the faith as they felt pushed in, they are not as close to their mother, and it breaks her heart everyday. Just be careful OP. Good luck.

So the registry office now - this will also protect your rights once you have the baby - and then do a big ceremony when you’re able.
The small registry session is just the legal bit, so tell yourself that and have the big declaration of love and relationship etc later on.