My partner is a Muslim, I am not...I was raised Christian to an extent, but I don't identify with any religion. I very much feel that trying to be a kind, decent human being just because it's the right thing to do, is enough for me. I spent years denying that there was a God, but now I'm a bit older and understand myself and my life a little more, I like to believe there's something greater than us, and it might as well be called "God", but nothing's set in stone as far as I'm concerned.
I've been honest about this since before we got together, and he's happy I feel some spirituality and entirely accepts my beliefs and understands my journey to reaching them.
We've been engaged for around 18 months. His mum and sister have put a lot of pressure on us to get married, but after I explained to my partner why I wanted to wait until we could afford a wedding, and that it's very important to me, and my family, he said we would wait until we could have the day I wanted. To be clear, I just wanted a small gathering of close friends and family, in a place of significance to us. Yes, I wanted a dress, and yes, I wanted flowers and a cake...but that really is the extent of it.
I have been kept a secret from my partners community (the members of his mosque). The fact we are unmarried and in a relationship is frowned upon, and that we're living together is apparently terrible. His mum wrote to the leader of their community asking for "permission" for us to marry (I don't agree with the requirement to do this, but I understand it's the done thing and shows respect and so I was happy for this to happen) however, in order for us to be granted permission, I would need to be "of the book" and so would need to be Muslim, Jewish, or Christian. She wrote that I was Christian; she also told them that I was considering converting to Islam...as I say, I'm not Christian, nor do I identify with any religion. I felt really disrespected, and actually felt it was quite humiliating...like not only am I not good enough for people to know about me, but that I'm also not good enough as a non-religious person, and that even if I was, I'd still be the "wrong" kind. It really hurt, but I shrugged it off and just hoped we'd be granted permission, so that they would be happy. A year later and she's still had no response, and so no permission.
A couple of months ago, we found out that I'm pregnant. It was unplanned, but we're very excited, we've talked about having a family since we met. I'm feeling really rough with the pregnancy, constantly nauseous and exhausted, I have high blood pressure and I'm already incredibly stressed as my brother is currently very ill, so in my mind, ideally we'd wait until the baby arrives, allow me to recover, then get married.
However, getting us married is now the absolute fixation of not only my MIL-to be, but my fiance also. He's in such a rush to get us to a registry office and just get it done, so that his mum and sister don't get any hassle from the community and so that they can celebrate and tell everyone.
He told me that we have two options, to get married quickly, so that his mum and sister can be a part of everything, or to wait until the baby is born, as would be my preference, but distance ourselves from them so they aren't in a difficult position.
Obviously this made me feel absolutely awful, and I really couldn't do something that would hurt them and cause them problems in their community, I know how important it is to them.
The other part of me is absolutely livid that I'm having my day taken from me for people who would consider me unworthy of marrying my partner, and that would shun my family for our actions, and that instead of just accepting that his family would choose the community over us and saying "suit yourself", we're bending to their will, so that they can "celebrate" and not be so ashamed of us. I should also note here, that they won't even be attending, because we haven't got permission to marry. It's so confusing!!
So now I'm faced with a 20 minute marriage ceremony in a registry office, whilst pregnant, instead of a wedding. I'm honestly distraught. I know I've agreed to this, but I really felt like I had no choice. I know he just doesn't understand how much of a slap in the face this is for me, or my family, because I haven't laboured the point as I wouldn't want to make things even more difficult for him. His family's commitment to their culture and community and constant nagging and guilt tripping, has already made things difficult enough for him.
He knows I'm upset, but I think in his mind I'm just gutted I don't get a party and to show off. I don't think he understands that this is something more than that...that my family tie a lot of importance to weddings, it's like a mark of respect for the bride, and her parents, and that she gets her day and is celebrated, and the fact she's found love is celebrated. It's not just about having a party or showing off, it's about respect and love. Being marched into a registry office just because you're pregnant is such a kick in the teeth, I feel like I'm being punished for having a baby.
But like I say, I don't want to cause him more stress than he's already under, he's not handling it well as it is, so it feels unfair for me to explain any of this to him.
Am I being unreasonable to feel so hurt and disrespected? Is this just a case of "pull yourself together"? I feel like it probably is...