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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL pretty much confirmed she hates me

736 replies

whitenoise123 · 07/12/2020 09:47

First time poster here but really need advice. I’m a first time mum to a 3 month old baby boy. We usually visit DPs family every Sunday and go for a walk, have dinner there etc. DPs family have never been super friendly to me but I accepted that they might not have much in common with me so let it go. However, since having DS his mum has been unbearable. She pretty much ignores me now and is only interested in the baby.

I’m always polite to them even though I don’t get much back from them. When we leaving last night DS was crying in his car seat so I got in the car quickly to try to settle him down. DP then started saying I didn’t say bye to them even though I had.

Anyway I admitted I maybe should try harder with them so sent DPs Mum a message apologising if I have offended them. I then received this message back from her

We have noticed that not just today you rarely say bye or thank you.I have tried to help out with getting things for ......... food,meals and try to make you feel welcome when you visit.It does not cost anything to be civil and good manners are important in my opinion.I did not say anything this evening it was ..... who asked ........ if you were all right.At least you have reflected on the situation, apology accepted.

I have no idea what to do now going forward

OP posts:
overoptimism · 08/12/2020 13:44

IndecentFeminist

Out of interest, how do you think it would be best for the MIL in this situation to act going forward? What would be reasonable and wise?

KatherineJaneway · 08/12/2020 13:48

I don’t agree that not taking DS to see MIL is “weaponising” him. If MIL chooses not to treat the mother of her grandchild fairly or with respect then why shouldn’t she say “we won’t be seeing you as often/anymore”?

Because in this scenario, even if both op and her dp agreed to visit less, it would likely be taken that the OP was the instigator of that and the 'villain' taking gdc and dp away from mil. People have an amazing ability to rewrite the truth. I'd dp takes gdc, then that's fair enough.

BlueCheckedTeatowel · 08/12/2020 13:58

@whitenoise123 DP can still take him round to see her but at the moment he doesn’t want to

what was said/done to make him not want to? like where was his breaking point in it all

CorianderQueen · 08/12/2020 13:58

It does sound like you're not rude and in fact just aren't licking the ground they walk on. Very diff things.

I wouldn't be going every week if all they did was sit and watch football I'd be bored out of my skull. I agree that guests should be talked to.

Maybe make it once every month or two. If she has an issue she can speak to DP as they haven't welcomed you very well.

billy1966 · 08/12/2020 14:00

The OP apologised.
I can't imagine how the MIL thought sending a rude text would improve relations and then a rude call.

Spending hours there every sunday with a very young baby with football on sounds like hell.

I can't think of anyone that would do that for either side of a family.

Sounds hellish.

You were seeing far too much of each other when ye are neither close or have much in common.

Take space.
A lot of space.
Allow things to calm down.
Stop visiting them too much.

Hopefully things will settle and improve.

Space is key.Flowers

MichelleScarn · 08/12/2020 14:03

@overoptimism

guess it depends on if you are actually rude and never say thanks or goodbye etc.

From the way the OP has posted throughout this thread, I doubt she knows how to be rude.

And as everything is on MN, we have to take all OPs word that they are quoting other peoples words/messages exactly as they were delivered!
diddl · 08/12/2020 14:04

"Because in this scenario, even if both op and her dp agreed to visit less, it would likely be taken that the OP was the instigator of that and the 'villain' taking gdc and dp away from mil. People have an amazing ability to rewrite the truth. I'd dp takes gdc, then that's fair enough."

That's the sort of thing that Op has to not care about though, isn't it?

MichelleScarn · 08/12/2020 14:08

Meant to say in agreement with @overoptimism!

Temporary1234 · 08/12/2020 14:38

It does sound like you're not rude and in fact just aren't licking the ground they walk on. Very diff things.

Absolutely this. Are they used to people grovelling for their approval? And you have broken that mould somehow ?

CatholicKidston · 08/12/2020 15:46

Your MIL seems to have taken your apology as an attack. How odd. Would need to see how you worded it to be able to comment really!

GalaxyCookieCrumble · 08/12/2020 16:02

@CheetasOnFajitas

(PS I wonder what the GPs in the practice where she works would think about her breaking lockdown rules?).
Oh who cares, mind your own business ffs Hmm
crosstalk · 08/12/2020 17:40

@GalaxyCookieCrumble

because her behaviour impacts on all other HCPs and patients in a surgery? possibly?

ninka68 · 08/12/2020 17:55

Clear the air...now... or you are storing up trouble. You have a good excise after a break. Say that you all seem to have got off on the wrong foot and there is a misunderstanding. Say how much you value them as grandparents and how important they will be in the future and apologise if you have given the wrong impression. (Yes, go on, even if the words bring bile to your throat!) But...you can then say that being away has also made you realise how special the time as a nuclear family has been and that you want to spend more energy on close time with the baby and their son so you have also agreed with him that you will not be coming so often but when you do it will be more special! Talk to him and agree this beforehand or he will undermine you and give in to pressure. (They are probably jealous!) Keep smiling and be polite but firm as you book in a date in a month's time? Say that you want to make it special rather than just routine and do something together. Feeling hurt and hard done by, even if justified, will get you nowhere and it's best to have the moral high ground! Don't fall out but talk it out!

ninka68 · 08/12/2020 17:57

"Good excuse" that should say!

mary1066 · 08/12/2020 18:17

Why don't you take it in turns your get togethers; once you can go to your partner's parents and once they can come over to you? It doesn't have to be every week either. I certainly would mind it very much if I was going to be the permanent! Basic manners, warmth, kindness and a bunch of flowers/ bottle of wine/ ... are effective in most cases. You have an opportunity to put things right. Then it's up to them to respond positively or not. At least, then you'll know where you stand with them but no matter what, I wouldn't compromise civility or basic good manners. Good luck and best wishes

Yespresh · 08/12/2020 18:32

Every week? All day? Noooooo . Once a month is plenty and a weekly Zoom. Is DH an only child?

FelicisNox · 08/12/2020 18:38

Your MIL is rude and self centered and her other son clearly follows her lead.

I'm glad your mum is supportive but your OH needs to get his act together and frankly, he needs to stop being such a mummies boy.... there's nothing more unattractive in my opinion than a grown ass man who can't cut the apron strings.

He has a life partner and a child and you are now his priority not his parents so he needs to get with that particular program and stay there.

It's not easy standing up for yourself and it's a learned skill but stand your ground as you may need to do the same for your DS in the future.

Also: your DS is too young to be separated from you so whilst your OH is free to visit as much as he likes there should be no all day visits without you so MIL will be reaping the rewards of her nasty behaviour and that's her problem: you're not weaponizing your child you are self protecting and you have every right to do so.

Keep up the good work.

Imnotahugger · 08/12/2020 18:38

I personally don't think there's anything wrong with going round there once a week. We do that too but I have a fantastic relationship with my in-laws. I also don't think that your MIL is saying that she hates you. It's pretty clear that she thinks you've been rude to them in the past, whether that be accidental or not. I think if you made more of an effort to be polite, then you might see a totally different side to her. If not then just stop going!!

Birdcloud · 08/12/2020 18:59

There’s probably a lot more going on under the surface for your MIL- maybe she’s also unsure about these relentless visits you and DP are making. As a MIL myself I’ve had to examine my own behaviour numerous times!! As someone else mentioned this is the early days of a new relationship she and you are making. Don’t do anything to damage it now. Is this her first grandchild? That would explain a lot.

DreamTheMoors · 08/12/2020 19:15

@whitenoise123

DP is working from home so has just come downstairs for some lunch. I asked him if he thinks I deserved that reply from her and he pretty much said I did
Oh, @whitenoise123, how heartbreaking.

You need to think long and hard about just how inappropriate and unsupportive your DP is and has been. Pretty soon there’ll be nothing left of you but a little grease spot.

Why don’t you go visit your mum for an extended period of time? Sort yourself out and really think about your worth and what matters most? Plus your mum deserves a nice long visit with the baby.

In case you can’t see it, this was a GIGANTIC red flag, as was your partner telling you you were being rude to the in-laws. You need someone on your side - not someone constantly working actively against you.
DON’T BE FOOLISH. I wish you luck.

saffy2 · 08/12/2020 19:19

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shiena24 · 08/12/2020 19:29

My lovely girl. This happened to me 40 years ago and has only improved in the last 6 months. My husband always took his mother's side and I always felt in the wrong. I am now a MIL to a wonderful DIL. I now realise how despicable my own MIL was. It's taken me 40 years to tell my husband to support me. My MIL is still alive & kicking! She is now fine with me, but is giving my husband a very hard time because he is on my side. Please don't tolerate their bad behaviour. My FIL was horrid too. As a mother of sons, males cannot share their attention between mothers and wives. Make sure he chooses you. It is your time now. Your little family is the most important thing. Take care.

pepsicolagirl · 08/12/2020 19:32

Are you in the UK? If so, why are you in and out of each others houses at the moment anyway? Surely you should no be visiting AT ALL.

angelfacecuti75 · 08/12/2020 19:47

I've not read the whole thread sorry in advance, maybe get hubby to have a word about how rude they are and that they need to be a bit more polite etc . Other than that you could say very loudly after giving food "that's ok you are welcome " when they don't say thanks .

overoptimism · 08/12/2020 19:49

saffy2

And I'm disgusted by you. This 24 year old had an emergency C section and a baby in NICU a matter of weeks ago. She has apologised for any rudeness. And her husband's views do not make it gospel truth.

I highly doubt your 2 year old has better manners if this is how you conduct yourself.

Go vent your issues elsewhere.

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