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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL pretty much confirmed she hates me

736 replies

whitenoise123 · 07/12/2020 09:47

First time poster here but really need advice. I’m a first time mum to a 3 month old baby boy. We usually visit DPs family every Sunday and go for a walk, have dinner there etc. DPs family have never been super friendly to me but I accepted that they might not have much in common with me so let it go. However, since having DS his mum has been unbearable. She pretty much ignores me now and is only interested in the baby.

I’m always polite to them even though I don’t get much back from them. When we leaving last night DS was crying in his car seat so I got in the car quickly to try to settle him down. DP then started saying I didn’t say bye to them even though I had.

Anyway I admitted I maybe should try harder with them so sent DPs Mum a message apologising if I have offended them. I then received this message back from her

We have noticed that not just today you rarely say bye or thank you.I have tried to help out with getting things for ......... food,meals and try to make you feel welcome when you visit.It does not cost anything to be civil and good manners are important in my opinion.I did not say anything this evening it was ..... who asked ........ if you were all right.At least you have reflected on the situation, apology accepted.

I have no idea what to do now going forward

OP posts:
CaveMum · 08/12/2020 11:26

I don’t agree that not taking DS to see MIL is “weaponising” him. If MIL chooses not to treat the mother of her grandchild fairly or with respect then why shouldn’t she say “we won’t be seeing you as often/anymore”?

If MIL has it in her to be unkind to OP then what’s to say she won’t be unkind to the child, or say unkind things about the child’s mother in front of the child? We’ve seen plenty of threads on here over the years where toxic grandparents have made sly digs through their grandchildren.

Helendee · 08/12/2020 11:43

The thing is most people are so quick to blame the Mil but she can’t give her dude of the story can she? She could well be on another site saying the complete opposite.

Helendee · 08/12/2020 11:43

Side

youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/12/2020 12:00

What on earth was your DP angry at you for re the call?

GabriellaMontez · 08/12/2020 12:04

@Helendee

The thing is most people are so quick to blame the Mil but she can’t give her dude of the story can she? She could well be on another site saying the complete opposite.
Course shes got a version.

But at the end of the day her text response to the OP's apology was disgusting.

And I question if the OP should even have sent an apology for them not hearing her saying goodbye.

Jobsharenightmare · 08/12/2020 12:05

It wasn't for not saying goodbye it was for a pattern of behaviour that DP himself had noticed.

I'm sorry things have escalated OP. What a shame for all of you.

GabriellaMontez · 08/12/2020 12:09

The apology was for failing to say bye at an adequate volume.

DP then started saying I didn’t say bye to them even though I had

The reply from MIL was to berate her for various wrong doings.

Original poster
whitenoise123 · 08/12/2020 12:13

I called my mum this morning to tell her everything that has happened as I needed the support. She couldn’t believe that Mil would be so rude to me when all I did was send an apology. Luckily my mum isn’t the confrontational type as I know that would make it worse, it’s just nice to know that she thinking of me in this difficult situation

OP posts:
5zeds · 08/12/2020 12:17

You are allowed to do what makes YOU happy @whitenoise123. I think a gap for a bit but 1 Sunday IL, 1 Sunday home, 1Sunday at your Mums, 1Sunday home sound a lot to me and would give you three happy weeks in fourWink. Have friends/siblings/trips some weekends. Take the baby swimming/beach/zoo. Have some fun. It’s a very very special time don’t waste it being upset about this. MIL will get used to it. Start caring what you think of others not the other way around.

peboh · 08/12/2020 12:25

Op are you rude to them? I'm really trying to not be horrible, but that message to me sounds as though she's just had enough of catering to you when you don't display basic manners. I don't think it reads as she hates you.
Was it the right message to send? No I think she could have had this conversation with you another time. Stop seeing them every week, and try to build a relationship with them. However if dh wants to take your child every week then he is well within his rights to do so.

blackkitty1234 · 08/12/2020 12:30

I wouldn’t bother going anymore. You hate going but still do it because it seems like the right thing to do and now they are being dicks to you. Tell DP you’re not comfortable. He can go on his own.

jessstan1 · 08/12/2020 12:32

@whitenoise123

I called my mum this morning to tell her everything that has happened as I needed the support. She couldn’t believe that Mil would be so rude to me when all I did was send an apology. Luckily my mum isn’t the confrontational type as I know that would make it worse, it’s just nice to know that she thinking of me in this difficult situation
I may have missed something (thread is now 25 pages! I was on top of it yesterday), but where was mother in law rude to you? I am very sorry that she was, things must have escalated and got quite out of hand.

Surely the situation is salvageable. I would have thought talking to us on here was enough without discussing with your mum, who presumably knows her.

Original poster
whitenoise123 · 08/12/2020 12:39

@jessstan1 well she sent me a very rude message when all I had done was send a polite apology. I then spoke to her on the phone last night and she pretty much said that I can’t dictate what they do in their house and they won’t turn the football off for me. I never asked them to! She was rude about my dad who is in ill health as well.

I only called my mum as I needed the real life support and my mum is a great listener who I know will not get involved. My mum has only met mil once before so it’s not like they see each other often.

OP posts:
Yohoheaveho · 08/12/2020 12:44

The battle axe is battling you for her son's loyalty
if I was in your shoes I would stop communicating with her and stop discussing her with your partner but refuse to go round there at all
your partner will then be forced to deal with problem and you will see where his true loyalty lies

RainingBatsAndFrogs · 08/12/2020 12:46

JessTan I thought that the message from MIL quoted in the OP was very high handed and aggressive, and a rude and graceless way to respond to an apology.

LastTangoInBodmin · 08/12/2020 12:53

OP how did you go from your DP being annoyed at you after the phone call, to him supporting you with not going around as much any more?

GabriellaMontez · 08/12/2020 12:56

I think you are absolutely right to talk to your mum about this. Why should it be secret? Particularly as your partner is supportive of her messages and doesnt stand up to her behaviour eg the car seat.

Yohoheaveho · 08/12/2020 12:57

@LastTangoInBodmin

OP how did you go from your DP being annoyed at you after the phone call, to him supporting you with not going around as much any more?
It seems he has quickly recalculated ...as to which side his bread is buttered on 🤔
IndecentFeminist · 08/12/2020 12:59

She wasn't ride about your dad, from what you said earlier. Similarly if dp has said you don't like going round cause the TV is on, then mentioning that is fair game too.

I don't read her message as 'very rude', I read it as exasperated and fed up. You have every right not to go round. She has every right to think you're rude.

Original poster
whitenoise123 · 08/12/2020 13:03

I think that although he can’t properly stand up to his mum, he does realise that me and DS are his main priority so he does need to support us

OP posts:
Strangedayindeed · 08/12/2020 13:14

@whitenoise123 I’m in a similar position to you. I don’t go round anymore as they are quite rude to me. It’s such a hard position as you want to be with a man who respects his min, but also one who stands up for you! Why are some PIL like this?

CorianderQueen · 08/12/2020 13:31

I guess it depends on if you are actually rude and never say thanks or goodbye etc.

If you don't do these things they have expressed that they are important to them.

CorianderQueen · 08/12/2020 13:40

When you're sat there watching football maybe say you're going to take baby for a walk and ask if anyone wants to come with? MIL may be grateful to get away from the boring screen.

overoptimism · 08/12/2020 13:41

guess it depends on if you are actually rude and never say thanks or goodbye etc.

From the way the OP has posted throughout this thread, I doubt she knows how to be rude.

nancybotwinbloom · 08/12/2020 13:42

I'd just stop going.

If she doesn't like it that's her problem.

I'd make alternative arrangements as to what you and/or your child do. She doesn't get to dictate that you/your child has to see her every Sunday.

I would not entertain going for Christmas either.