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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL pretty much confirmed she hates me

736 replies

whitenoise123 · 07/12/2020 09:47

First time poster here but really need advice. I’m a first time mum to a 3 month old baby boy. We usually visit DPs family every Sunday and go for a walk, have dinner there etc. DPs family have never been super friendly to me but I accepted that they might not have much in common with me so let it go. However, since having DS his mum has been unbearable. She pretty much ignores me now and is only interested in the baby.

I’m always polite to them even though I don’t get much back from them. When we leaving last night DS was crying in his car seat so I got in the car quickly to try to settle him down. DP then started saying I didn’t say bye to them even though I had.

Anyway I admitted I maybe should try harder with them so sent DPs Mum a message apologising if I have offended them. I then received this message back from her

We have noticed that not just today you rarely say bye or thank you.I have tried to help out with getting things for ......... food,meals and try to make you feel welcome when you visit.It does not cost anything to be civil and good manners are important in my opinion.I did not say anything this evening it was ..... who asked ........ if you were all right.At least you have reflected on the situation, apology accepted.

I have no idea what to do now going forward

OP posts:
Tubs11 · 08/12/2020 19:53

If she can tell you how she feels then there is no reason why you can't tell her how you feel. Now is the opportunity to stand your ground otherwise she will walk all over you. I find her response unnecessarily cold and can see why you feel the way you do. She could have softened her approach, she's older and wiser, but choose to be sarky in her response. Cut back on the visits and go in heavy with the thank you's and bye byes to get her off your back,

Imissmoominmama · 08/12/2020 19:54

I find often that relentless cheerfulness (on my part), helps me to put up with twunts , as I’m in character, rather than just reacting to them.

Notthe9oclocknewsathon · 08/12/2020 19:56

@overoptimism

saffy2

And I'm disgusted by you. This 24 year old had an emergency C section and a baby in NICU a matter of weeks ago. She has apologised for any rudeness. And her husband's views do not make it gospel truth.

I highly doubt your 2 year old has better manners if this is how you conduct yourself.

Go vent your issues elsewhere.

Well said. Reassuring to see posters standing up against bullying.
Owl55 · 08/12/2020 19:58

You have both cleared the air now , move on and try and be aware to say Thankyou occasionally, but she must also try too

saffy2 · 08/12/2020 20:03

She has regularly and knowingly broken the law. Putting other people at risk.
Her age, method of birth and age of baby don’t put her above the law. Not when the rest of us have followed it for 9months.

Areweallsheepnow82 · 08/12/2020 20:09

What stood out to me in all this was their offers to “help” you with the baby. Do you want their help or to see them all the time?

My in-laws were overbearing and constantly interfering with our baby. Eventually I had to have a tough chat with them and tell them to stop interfering.

If you let your MIL walk all over you now she’ll always do it.

Her text was pretty sanctimonious. I would text back something like “mortified to have caused offence. Good manners are very important to me too. Looking after my 3 month old newborn is more important though. So if I don’t manage a five minute goodbye every week or miss a few please and thank yous while I’m preoccupied with a screaming baby I’m sure you’ll understand.

Also tell your DH to stick up for you!

SnackSizeRaisin · 08/12/2020 20:10

To be honest OP it sounds like they don't like you because they probably wouldn't like any daughter in law. You will never be able to do anything right in their eyes and they are not civilised enough to even try to get to know you.

They like their son going there every weekend to watch TV as it's like the old days and would rather pretend you don't exist, as they can't accept that their son is now a grown up and you are more important to him than they are.

A big step back is needed. In time maybe they will realise that if they don't make the effort with you, they will create a barrier between them and their son and grandson. Certainly do not feel you have to apologise further, just be polite and distant and don't go round any more.

northstars · 08/12/2020 20:13

@overoptimism

saffy2

And I'm disgusted by you. This 24 year old had an emergency C section and a baby in NICU a matter of weeks ago. She has apologised for any rudeness. And her husband's views do not make it gospel truth.

I highly doubt your 2 year old has better manners if this is how you conduct yourself.

Go vent your issues elsewhere.

Agree. @saffy2 Vile comment, and says more about you than about the OP.
MissEliza · 08/12/2020 20:30

Op perhaps you've been unfriendly or standoffish but you tried to make things right. Her reply was harsh and I think most people would feel awkward visiting after that. It was a chance for a fresh start, which any kind or decent person would have taken.
I have 21 and 18 year olds ds's. A couple of the girls they've brought back over the years have been a bit standoffish but I've preferred to put that down to shyness or immaturity. The most important thing is how they treat my dcs. The one who was the chattiest and friendliest was the one who ended up treating ds1 like shit and really breaking his heart.

My MIL behaved like this from the beginning of my relationship with dh. It never got better and it drove my desire to move away from them. If she'd made me feel part of the family and I wouldn't have been so willing to up sticks.

Original poster
whitenoise123 · 08/12/2020 20:33

Hi everyone. Today has been a bit better for me. Had a bit of a cry on the phone to my mum earlier and feel better for it.

DP is starting to realise that me and DS need to be his main priority. He has agreed to see them without me for a while but he’s going to let them reach out to us first. We have agreed that Christmas will just be the 3 of us this year so hopefully that happens

OP posts:
Areweallsheepnow82 · 08/12/2020 20:36

“She has regularly and knowingly broken the law. Putting other people at risk.
Her age, method of birth and age of baby don’t put her above the law. Not when the rest of us have followed it for 9months.”

Oh god who made you the covid police!!! anyway you’re exempt if you’re getting childcare and if you’re struggling mentally. Either of these could apply to OP.

(Not questioning your mental state OP just fed up of these lockdown enforcers).

Areweallsheepnow82 · 08/12/2020 20:39

Glad it’s better OP. You sound lovely.

Sometimes older women take advantage of nice younger women who they think won’t stand up to them. Hopefully your MIL will now realise she needs to respect you and that you taking her very young grandson round every week is a bloody privilege for her!!

Wilkie1956mog · 08/12/2020 20:47

Sounds like you have been a bit rude and thoughtless to me. Try apologising and try a bit harder. Say the baby gets you frazzled sometimes and you never meant to appear rude. I think it's worth trying to mend this for your family's (including baby's) sake going forward.

vulvacious · 08/12/2020 20:47

MIL sounds like a twat. Breaking restrictions whilst being a nurse. And ignoring best safety advice for her grandson.
She's been bloody rude too, nevermind you. Please don't go anymore OP. Your DS will notice her shitty behaviour towards you as he gets older and think it's okay.
Invite them over to you once a month if you have to and have it at that. If they don't want to come it's not your loss.

5zeds · 08/12/2020 20:51

A great way of seeing them might be to have them mid week or Friday night then you still get your time together. It will be easier next year when you can fill your weekends more easily

Luddite26 · 08/12/2020 20:56

For what it's worth whitenoise23 i remember a very long time ago what it is like to be young with a baby and feeling out of depth in someone else's family.
I feel DP's mum could be warmer toward you. You are coming across, i feel, quite bruised mentally. It has been a horrible year in so many ways and must have been very isolating for you not seeing your dad. If you have even a low level form of post natal depression please don't let this situation escalate it.
Some women can be right cows to other women. I had a grandma who was a total bitch to me it's not always just mils.
My friend on dating sites always puts a tick for a chap if the mother is deceased after her mil experience. I was closer to my second mil than my own mum so i am not slagging mils off.
I would be inclined to spend less time there on a Sunday if you do still go.

Her reply was not at all kind to you. You don't need that attitude. Your DP needs to be more supportive too. Hugs to you cos that's what i would do in normal times if i was your mil not try taking you down a peg or two or putting you in your place whatever she was trying to do with her text and phone call.xx

Vinomummyinlockdown · 08/12/2020 20:56

Life is too short. Eff them. Send DP alone with baby while you chill at home

goose1964 · 08/12/2020 21:02

Perhaps better manners would be the way to go. If she helps you thank her, if she asks if you'd like a cup of tea say yes please, or would you like me to make it. My dad has issues with people's manners and even though I'm in my 50s I still make a point of saying please and thank you.it sound not that she hates you but that she thinks you are uncouth. I'm also on transfer and this could be one of the my daughter-in-law threads there.

goose1964 · 08/12/2020 21:03

Gransnet not transfer.

Luddite26 · 08/12/2020 21:06

@Wilkie1956mog

Sounds like you have been a bit rude and thoughtless to me. Try apologising and try a bit harder. Say the baby gets you frazzled sometimes and you never meant to appear rude. I think it's worth trying to mend this for your family's (including baby's) sake going forward.
She did apologise. MIL took advantage of Whitenoise's apology and stuck the boot in MIL has been a cow to a young woman who has had an ardous time in the last few months. A nurse should be more sympathetic to the young mother of her grandson.
overoptimism · 08/12/2020 21:18

Perhaps better manners would be the way to go.

She washes up, not long after major surgery with a newborn, sits uncomplainingly through a football match she doesn't enjoy every Sunday afternoon in life, tries to take an interest in MIL's work but is discouraged, and doesn't object when her BIL never acknowledges her existence, week after week. She then sends a charming and humble apology when it turns out everyone is bitching about her.

Just how polite would you like her to be???

Queenofthemadouse · 08/12/2020 21:19

Sounds to me like you've been rude and ignorant and they've told you that they've noticed and are giving you the opportunity to move forwardS

Lots of people don't like their ILs and keep contact to a minimum. But you also need to accept that they are your partners family and you should show them the same basic respect that you should show everyone. Being polite and respectful costs nothing.

overoptimism · 08/12/2020 21:22

And I've read gransnet. If I read the words "mountain out of a molehill" one more time - code for 'I'm devastated because I behaved appallingly, expected to get away with it because I'm elderly, and what do you know it turns out she has boundaries".

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 08/12/2020 21:24

Sounds to me like you've been rude and ignorant and they've told you that they've noticed

For goodness' sake why don't people just RTFT?

Luddite26 · 08/12/2020 21:25

One of stepsons partners, when we asked if she was coming in as stepson was having a cup of tea letting us meet his new baby and she was still sat in the car - stepson said she doesn't want to come in. We weren't worth meeting!
I think the inlaws sound pretty rude too.

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