MIL pretty much confirmed she hates me

[whitenoise123]

First time poster here but really need advice. I’m a first time mum to a 3 month old baby boy. We usually visit DPs family every Sunday and go for a walk, have dinner there etc. DPs family have never been super friendly to me but I accepted that they might not have much in common with me so let it go. However, since having DS his mum has been unbearable. She pretty much ignores me now and is only interested in the baby.

I’m always polite to them even though I don’t get much back from them. When we leaving last night DS was crying in his car seat so I got in the car quickly to try to settle him down. DP then started saying I didn’t say bye to them even though I had.

Anyway I admitted I maybe should try harder with them so sent DPs Mum a message apologising if I have offended them. I then received this message back from her

We have noticed that not just today you rarely say bye or thank you.I have tried to help out with getting things for ......... food,meals and try to make you feel welcome when you visit.It does not cost anything to be civil and good manners are important in my opinion.I did not say anything this evening it was ..... who asked ........ if you were all right.At least you have reflected on the situation, apology accepted.

I have no idea what to do now going forward

QueenoftheMadouse I think you haven't read the thread properly. It doesn't sound like the OP has been rude, possibly a bit quiet, and that's all the very insensitive MIL has to complain about. OP sent her a charming and unnecessary apology, only to be rudely berated in return.

She sounds awful, OP. I am of your MIL's generation, not yours, but definitely on your side. Sorry you had to put up with this, and sorry your DP did not fully have your back. At least now you know what the family are like, I would pull back from them a LOT. Your DP is being spineless, as pps said.

People saying the DP can take the baby round, I wouldn't advise it for a long day, especially if OP is breastfeeding. And even if not. The baby is just too young. The grandmother does not have an automatic right to time with the grandchild, and if she behaves so badly to her grandchild's mother she will only have herself to blame if the relationship is distant.

I wish you all the best OP. x

@Wilkie1956mog sounds like you haven’t RTFT because that is exactly what OP has done only to be rebuffed!

OP don’t worry, just concentrate on your family for now

Your partner needs to be a bigger force in this. To recognise the weekly lunch isn’t agreeing with you. Daily FaceTime with his mum is quite full on. My eldest, 29, hasn’t phoned for about a month! I know he’s fine btw. Think your man needs to concentrate on you and his child more than his mother. He could always invite them to your place - and he cooks!

Op you sound like you need a hug! You have a very small baby, who no doubt needs lots of attention and who most likely doesn’t let you sleep much. Sleep deprivation is a killer and can make normal life, general conversations and relationships more difficult. Sounds like you’ve had a traumatic birth and that you are emotionally vulnerable.
The last thing you need at this time is
a) having to spend all day, each week, with another family in another house when you have a very little baby,
b) having to spend time with people who don’t make you feel welcome,
c)being criticised by your mil and
d) feeling overruled and unimportant about decisions about your baby (eg the car seat).
I have a 5 month old - it’s a wonderful but incredibly hard time especially now when your usual support networks (family, friends, baby groups, health visitors) are not there. there is no way I could be spending that much time with anyone at their house, even my own lovely family, let alone people who don’t make me feel welcome. Having a baby is hard; you are sleep deprived, often lonely and isolated, especially now. It’s physically and emotionally draining. You need looking after and to be helped by those around you.
It’s also hard to see things objectively, or to assert yourself or put yourself and your own needs first, no matter how old you are. It’s almost expected that we carry on as normal and get on with things when actually our lives are completely different with a new baby. Leaving without specifically saying goodbye because you had to deal with baby is completely understandable, especially as it wasn’t a rare visit but a regular event when they will see you each week. They sound difficult.

Ideally they would be looking after you and providing support to you and baby. They clearly aren’t. Don’t get into arguments with your mil - you don’t need the stress and upset. You’ve told her you are struggling and she ignored that part of your message, instead choosing to be critical of you. Take some time away from her for a bit and don’t go round there for a while. You could still send photos of baby or something if you want to maintain some connection until you see them again but don’t get into conversations with her over text or phone.
Your baby is so little and you are probably still recovering from the birth and adjusting to being a new mum. Focus on yourself, your baby and your partner. Spend time as a family and do nice things together. See your mum more if she is supportive of you. Keep in contact with your health visitor and join useful baby support groups online (there are lots of Facebook groups for support) if you need advice or support about your baby. Go to baby groups (which are open again) and regular walks with friends. Build up a group of mum friends. It’s important to be kind to yourself and focus on yourself and baby right now.
If you don’t want to go to see mil and Dp does, then don’t go too - do something else or say you aren’t feeling well. If you do go, agree with your DP that you’ll both leave after a few hours not spend all day there. Plan something else in the afternoon if necessary so you have to leave. When you are there be cheerful, friendly and polite. Ignore any barbed comments. Sitting there being ignored is more bearable if it’s only for a couple of hours! If you do start going there again, start a new habit of only going once a month or something, rather than every week.

Under any circumstances that baby should NOT be leaving you OP.

The baby needs it's mother.

Do not feel pressured to allow that baby be taken anywhere.

Thank god you have a great mum.

What a crew you have got tangled up with.

Better you establish boundaries sooner rather than later.

Their lack of consideration for the mother of a new baby is astounding.

I suspect your DP enjoys being in his family home, watching the footie with his DB and DD with DM running round after him, like old times.
Time for him to grow up and and put you and his child first. You don't have to never go but less often and at other times will be a good way forward.

I don't think you've been rude at all, your MIL on the other hand, sounds appallingly rude.

I suppose that the truth is that usually no one much cares for their in laws.
I actually really like my mil, but after a day or two we have had enough of one another.

Person you should just take the opportunity to grab some time to yourself and let your mil enjoy her son and grandchild?

i think you need to make more of an effort, your baby crying is no excuse for bad manners or rudeness, no matter how quiet or shy you may be, if they have taken time to prepare a meal for you the least you can do is offer to help and thank them. Your MIL has accepted your apology try and make friends you may need her in the future. How would you feel if your partner was acting same with your mum! Its time to pull up your big girl pants now and be a grown up.

Your MIL has accepted your apology No she didn't, she was graceless and rude.

I think you have done the right thing OP. Give yourself some space. This is precious time getting to know your new baby, don't let anyone spoil that for you.

So sorry to read this. My MIL didn't like me either, it's what they don't say that makes the atmosphere so tense. I hope you can stop going every week, perhaps invite them round to your house instead once a month.

I read the first couple of pages and your posts op.

I can't believe people were saying you were rude. That text would have annoyed me too, completely ott reaction and lack of sympathy on her part, i read it as you're a young mum struggling, she should have a little more compassion. My gut reaction reading it was to say write back and say but you're rude to ignore me and only focus on baby, I dont feel welcome I your home and I DO say thank you for my meals I wouldn't do that though, but I sympathise with your feelings. I can't imagine how awful it must be to go to in laws every weekend whilst they watch tv and coo over the baby and ignore you. Glad your dh is standing up for you a bit, calling his mother everyday sounds a bit ott. If you are saying please and thank you for your meals etc, what the hello is she moaning about?

I would stop going round every week, if dh wants to take the baby let him get on with it, it will give you a break x

Apologies op, I hadn't RTFT when I posted above but I have now!
I'm glad that your partner is supporting you and you need him on your side.

Whilst your mil sounds like a bitch, I still stand by the point I made above that she was probably justified in saying that you were rude. But with people like that they need responding to in kind. Maybe you have been rude. They have also been rude by not making you feel welcomed into their family.

Don't back down on the Christmas plans. X

Also your mil is a fool if she carries on like this. She will end up alienating her ds and dgc if she isnt careful,especially if your dh is starting to stick up for you more.

I guess you are tired and overwhelmed at the moment but you will stand up to her one way or the other. It doesnt have to be blazing rows but being politely firm in what you want for your child. So no car seats she buys, if you aren't happy with it, no whole days at their house watching tv, when you'd rather do other activities. That might be what they like to do and ok while ds is a baby but no fun for you or an older child. Your weekends are precious to your family unit too.

No more chatty updates and photos of ds from you if they aren't appreciated, she's an idiot if she can't see that's you making an effort....

Well, she's said her piece hasn't she? She's aired her views and her side, I wonder if it would be reasonable to kindly air your views and your side of the story back to her via text?
In your OP you mention that you have never felt particularly welcomed at their house, and that MIL actually mostly ignores you. That you were looking after your 3 month old baby when she thinks that formalities of saying goodbye are more important. I would tell her these things and say that you would love to reach a compromise and try harder to get on more, on both sides. I would mention this with a context of the continued good relationship between grandparents and your DD, as this is important to you and your family unit.
Everyone airing their grievances fairly and coming to a compromise, both trying hard to make the relationship work, well that's just the adult way to deal with things?

Whatever you do, don't let your baby be taken away from you for any length of time while you are still breastfeeding, that is totally unreasonable. Either she sees the baby with you or not at all imo. You are very much a package deal at the moment. Every sympathy for you, please stick up for yourself I don't feel you have anything to lose by speaking up

I'm a mother in law and Is never send a text like that to DIL and she's not only rude but a really nasty troublemaker with both her own side of the family and our side Stop spending time with them they will just make your life miserable MIL will probably think she's got one over on you don't give her the satisfaction

[quote sporkle]@Purpler5 well yes, not the original OP about the text message but the wider issue of not being comfortable with the weekly visits...she shouldn't have been visiting at all. [/quote]
Mind your own business ffs

@saffy2

She has regularly and knowingly broken the law. Putting other people at risk. Her age, method of birth and age of baby don’t put her above the law. Not when the rest of us have followed it for 9months.

Oh shut up, it's guidance not law, and it's none of your or anyone else's on here what @whitenoise123 has done. I am sick of posters on here piling in over COVID, and dont anyone dare come at me, I have been house bound for months because i am ecv but would not dream of stopping anyone else living their life.

I think shes pulling you up on your behaviour. Maybe you haven't realised what you are doing because you're so fixated on thinking his parents dont like you. If his parents didnt like you, I highly doubt you would be welcome every weekend. If MIL is over bearing with regards to child, then set some clear boundaries. Use this time to clear the air and develop a healthy environment for you and your family.

I'd also like to say there is nothing wrong or weird about visiting every weekend or talking to parents everyday. I dont understand how it could be?

My husband will speak with his parents every day and they'll facetime the kids most days, they (sometimes I go, sometimes I dont) visit every weekend. I believe this developments great social skills and healthy relationships. I feel it develops great morals and values because they're grandparents genuinely show interest in them without being over bearing. Yes, they can be passive at times but that is their opinion. If it gets to much then we speak like adults and the issue is resolved. Simple!

Gosh, I really feel for you OP. It sounds like you’re consistently going out of your way to facilitate a relationship with people who don’t want to give anything back. And it sounds like hour DP is expecting you to be the person to resolve things, probably because it’s easier for him to blame it on you than to stand up to his mum.

I’m glad he does seem to be taking it more seriously now, and so glad you aren’t going to be going round every week - life is too short for you to spend your precious Sundays with people who aren’t nice to you. Enjoy the time with your son without all that extra pressure and stress

May I ask why you and your partner are not married? If you are the lower earner you are leaving yourself incredibly vulnerable.
First thing you need to do is test your partner’s commitment to you and the baby.

@Barney60 Your MIL has accepted your apology

No she hasn't, try Reading The Full Thread before commenting, or at the very least, the OP's posts. The MIL had made no effort, and the OP is the only one who has made any effort. The MIL should be apologising to the OP.

I think this second bit from BrumBoo is really good and cuts through to the crux of things even if the first bit is not kind IMO. Unfortunately you have already apologised for something as if you were guilty and as though they have the right to make you feel that. You could still send another email though , saying on reflection ... ... you're sorry you've come over as rude, but you've been finding the visits too much and hard to engage. Therefore you'll cut down visits.

Then stand well back, do not engage and stick to your guns.

If his parents didnt like you, I highly doubt you would be welcome every weekend.

That's rubbish. They want to see their son and the baby, that is ample reason to tolerate anyone.

Seems like a misunderstanding to me.
Your obviously trying very hard but don't feel 100% comfortable yet; they misconstrue this as coldness.
I think the best way forward is to have a chat with your MIL. Just the two of you on neutral ground.
You may find you have some things in common after you get past the awkwardness.
Don't stop going tho; this will only put pressure on your relationship with DH.