To ask how my “d” h spent £400 in a strip club

[porcelaine]

Posting for traffic. Please know that I am obviously naive as I have no idea what really happens in strip clubs and I don’t know what they cost, but H has just told me that his night out ended in a strip club in zone 1 and when I checked the balance there were 2 atm withdrawals for £200 apiece. So he’s spent £400 (we do not have) in a fucking strip club.
Can anyone enlighten me as to what this might buy as he claims it was just ladies dancing on tables in their lingerie which sounds pretty fucking suspect to me. £400.

He’s not sorry & won’t change. He’s clearly playing games, outside looking in those messages are so predictable.

Block him and file for divorce.

But he's not actually sorry is he op.

He's using an apology as a way to control you. He won't 'work' on the relationship. He won't be a better life partner he just wants you to shut up and suck it up.

You deserve better and so do your children.

They will see all of this and know more than you think. It's showing them an awful example of what a relationship is.

OP, this is a man who thinks its his right to pay for women’s bodies. Not only does he think it’s his right - he thinks it’s impressive - he was trying to impress the other tossers, wasn’t he - (so many versions of excuses I can’t remember).

He is a horrible individual. Rotten to the core. But he doesn’t have the capacity or intelligence to understand this.

You are judging him by your standards, but he doesn’t have it within him so he will always fall short and always let you down.

I used to work with trafficked women. Many had been strippers or escorts at some point. They might have made it look like it was their choice, but, let’s face it, no woman just wakes up and makes a conscious decision to do that. There is nearly always a history of childhood sexual abuse, rape, coercion, manipulation, mingled with skewed boundaries or desperation. It’s deeply unpleasant and any man who is ok with exploiting women who have, almost always, already been exploited elsewhere, are vile. He is one of them. Make no mistake.

Good points about the women, cosima5 and nails some of that nonsense that they're all empowered women paying their way through Med School/PhD in Linguistics. These are wretched places.

He just keeps on about marriage counselling being our “only chance” and that he wasn’t happy before.
What the fuck about what he did? The major transgression? And HOW can he think he can dictate shit right now??

Not read the whole thread OP but I'm an ex stripper. I'm at work atm but if you have any questions directly related to clubs I'll be perfectly honest if you want to PM me.

Or ask me on here if you feel others may find it useful or just prefer to.

Only chance? Not happy before?

That was the point where he needed to see about counselling. You know, before he went rogue.

The chance is not his to give.

And you need time to think about where you go from here. He does not get to dictate anything. Even though he thinks he gets to call the shots.

@porcelaine

He just keeps on about marriage counselling being our “only chance” and that he wasn’t happy before. What the fuck about what he did? The major transgression? And HOW can he think he can dictate shit right now??

Time to stop directly communicating with him OP. He's headfucking you. You know what's happened, so does he. His behaviour has been totally unacceptable and he is the bad guy. Therefore the only way he (as an entitled cunt) can see out of this is to make you the bad guy. Don't let him even try.

Say you agreed to try again last time you split and his recent behaviour is the nail in the coffin so the relationship as a couple is over. You don't need to elaborate further on that.

Say you will discuss coparenting with him but not the relationship as that is over. If he can't drop the relationship talk / name calling / blame game then you'll need to speak through a third party.

If he doesn't think what he did is that bad then he won't mind you telling people what happened if he keeps pushing you. Ugh god I hate him on your behalf OP.

He hasn’t been happy for a while, it is all your fault he feels and acts this way.....
He is starting to give you the script so he does not look bad to others when you don’t take him back.
He is trying to make you out to be the crazy, demanding bitch who forced him to leave.

He really is something else, OP. Please give yourself some space to think about what you want, don't even consider him because he doesn't deserve it.

Your thread will max out soon, so you will need to make a new one if you want some more support x

Two options:

1. stop either talking or listening to him. He’s just trying to wind you up, fuck with your head, and control you more.
2. Tell him £800 could have paid for a shite load of marriage counseling but that’s long gone now and THEN stop either talking or listening to him. He’s just trying to wind you up, fuck with your head, and control you more.

He will always have made it easier to cave because he’s been undermining your faith in yourself, and your ability to do things for years. It sounds like your own sister and your friends have the right measure of him, and how he’s torn you down by being such a man child about all this (trying to pretend the “breakup” was mutual and he didn’t spend £400 on strippers and probably coke and then run away with one suitcase to his mum’s in the middle of the night!).

There’s a large difference between alone and lonely. Yes, if you go forward, you may be alone with the kids for a time. But it’s so, so much better than the loneliness of living with someone who makes you walk on eggshells, controls you, undermines you. Nothing worse than staying married but being lonely for the rest of your life.

Do not cave to his bullshit. His behavior has shown that he thinks his OWN behavior is all your fault (?!??) and counseling does NOT work with men like that.

To me private dances are infidelity (if you did it with a "civvie" it would be cheating so why is it not inside a strip club) and it's interesting to see how many of the "infidelity bingo" excuses and behaviours he's hitting. So predictable;

Drunkeness
Issue with alcohol
Depression/not happy
Threats of suicide
Walking out
"Think about the poor kids/rearing our family apart is in your hands"
You don't give me enough attention" (or something to that effect)
"I was led by mates, wanted to fit in with/impress mates"
"It doesn't mean anything".
The big gestures of recompense
The playing great hubbie and daddy/making a big temporary effort
"You're the only person who has a problem with this, you're naive, upright ,controlling, take things too seriously; everyone does this" etc etc
Usually they drag in work stress too.
They often drag unrelated things if they have the opportunity to use them and say they caused them stress.

"I'll go to counselling, I/we need counselling".
They know this, at the very least, will but then more time in the home/relationship to get their shit together; whether they stay or not ... They wouldn't want to be caught on the hop with nothing set up.

Various accusations of what a nag/bitch/bad person you are ... In any minute way that can be raised and exaggerated to try to get victim to focus on defending themself and on taking responsibility.

Often if desperate temporary insanity, drugs, medication etc will be used too.

*but them more time

*buy!

Incidentally that "lost" hundred odd quid and the unaccounted for time at the end of the night, alongside the reviews of that club ; suggest he may have used an "escort".

Could be coke but where was he/were they doing it.

Yes just block him and get your head straight about what YOU want/think.

This thread is going to run out of room soon, you could do with starting another one.

Op Please please read this.

I know it is easy to type, not easy to do, but block this sorry excuse for a man on everything. Txt or him or his mother a daily update on your dc so you can't be accused of alienation and block again.

Remind yourself every time you feel lonely or sad or scared, that he is blaming you for his dishonest and grubby behaviour. He has not admitted or accepted fault in his actions or how those actions have hurt you.

This man child does not give a fuck about you. I don't say this to be mean. I say this as it is the honest truth. He is a bully who is gaslighting you. He's trying to make you believe you are crazy, to doubt yourself so you start to believe his narrative.

Right now and for a while it will be scary, you'll feel lonely and sad and wish it could be different for your dc. BUT, you will move forward and find happiness. If you don't get rid of him he will grind you down even further. You will always be the one who gets blamed for any problems or his shitty behaviour forever.

Choose to ditch him now and be upset in the short term instead of the foreseeable future.

I'm rooting for you op

Please start a new thread op

He's saying that he did it because he's unhappy? We're you unhappy OP? Did you go to a strip club and blow £400, plus donate another £400 out of guilt? No? Well, do you want to be married to someone who has that as his coping mechanism when he's unhappy?

I ask because an ex of mine said similar about cheating. I fell into the rabbit hole of trying to see it from his point of view, trying to excuse it, trying to make him feel happier, trying couples counselling...which was truly hellish with a dh who wants you to take the blame. Until someone asked me similar questions to the ones I just asked you.

His thinking means that he gets to either do it again whenever he's unhappy (and who on this earth is a ray of sunshine all the time?), or he gets you bending over backwards to make sure he's never unhappy again (which is a horrible power imbalance and will destroy you emotionally).

There is an unspoken victim on here

The PP who said her husband paid 50 to get a stripper to leave him alone.

How long has that held? Maybe it's true, maybe it's not, but that bloke is wandering around totally unaware. Unaware that his wife has now been filled with doubt by some anonymous internet folk and is left questioningher marriage over a sentence that may have been spoken decades ago.

Dangerous place, Mumsnet.

Vara - eh?

As for the inevitable pps claiming to be ex-strippers trying to give an linsight” - why the hell would you think the OP cares ffs! Yes I’m sure that’s all she needs at this time - a nice chat with random strippers.

“Oh it’s ok H. Come home. Some woman who used to strip elsewhere has explained all...”

NOBODY CARES! That is not the life the OP has chosen, Thank you very much.,

OP, please keep seeking support. If not on here, from family and friends. Go to counselling by all means, but don’t pander to him - go by yourself. Put your own needs first and foremost. Start a new thread if you think it might help? He’s been conditioning you for too long. Now time to find out who you really are. I wish you all the best and I’m sure I speak for everyone on MN. Take care.