Page 38 | To ask how my “d” h spent £400 in a strip club

porcelaine · 2020-12-07T01:34:27+00:00

Posting for traffic. Please know that I am obviously naive as I have no idea what really happens in strip clubs and I don’t know what they cost, but H has just told me that his night out ended in a strip club in zone 1 and when I checked the balance there were 2 atm withdrawals for £200 apiece. So he’s spent £400 (we do not have) in a fucking strip club. Can anyone enlighten me as to what this might buy as he claims it was just ladies dancing on tables in their lingerie which sounds pretty fucking suspect to me. £400.

user1470132907 · 12/12/2020 11:09

Particularly if men are sloshed, I think clubs see them coming. Rounds of very expensive drinks. My husband went to one on a stag (never done it since) and there was a ‘special’ dance for the stag which seemed to involve taking the piss out of him and getting him naked and cost every single member of the party £200 (and only the groom got a dance). Fools and their money (and they have it coming l, no pun intended)

WhenPushComesToShove · 12/12/2020 11:29

The dynamics of your relationship are laid bare. Even in your state of distress you are able to see how dysfunctional it has been. Rejoining won't make your pain go away. His leaving (in a strop as a way of controlling you) is a gift in disguise. Without him, you have the possibility of a much brighter, loving, respectful and kind future.

k1233 · 12/12/2020 11:48

I think you need time to gather your thoughts. Him being gone is good and gives you space. You need to think about what you want and how you really feel in your relationship. From what you've written, your relationship seems to be taking from you rather than building you up. Is that what you want?

thefourgp · 12/12/2020 12:19

Whatever he intends on saying to you will only upset, confuse and/or anger you. There’s nothing he can say that will make you feel better. It’s best to focus on you and your children and have nothing to do with him apart from arranging child access through a third party. Give yourself plenty of time to think. I found writing a diary which I’d never done before really helpful. In time you will forget a lot of what/when he said and did things. it’s good to have a diary as a reminder. I never look at mine three years on but I’ve used it for dates/incidents when we started exchanging solicitor letters and it was really helpful because he minimised and lied a lot.

3wheels · 12/12/2020 13:14

After reading this, I think you're being amazingly strong. You're putting yourself and your children first, keep going and hang onto that inner strength, you will look back at this stage in the future thankful that you didn't give in. X

Feedingthebirds1 · 12/12/2020 13:51

It feels really frustrating that he went to these lengths to unsettle me and now it hasn’t worked he is either really angry or going to be really apologetic.

Because by not responding to him, you've unsettled him. This isn't how it was supposed to go, you haven't read his script that he prepared for you. You should have rung him in tears, begging him to come back, telling him it was all OK, you didn't mind, you don't know what came over you when you objected.

But, and good for you, you didn't. And he hasn't got a clue what to do now. It only feels like a headfuck because you're letting it. stop giving him so much head space. Don't try to second guess him, don't worry about his next move. Decide what you want to do, what's right for you and the DCs, and do it. Put him and what he's doing and his possible responses out of the equation.

YoniAndGuy · 12/12/2020 14:24

Everything he's done over the last week and more has been unforgivable really though hasn't it?

At least this latest twist also is a chance to remind yourself what a snivelling, spiteful, game playing little COWARD he is on top of everything else. Had no intention of being gone for more than a night, did he? Oooh dear. That's backfired.

Don't be unsettled. You said upthread that his divorce go-to threats were part of the problem. So, here they are again, with a bit more drama on top because he was beginning to see that words weren't enough to shut you up this time. Bore off, skank.

Tell EVERYONE exactly how this plit wasn't mutual, and I'd probably put on the family chat that if anyone had any ideas for getting him to return some of the money he's taken from your joint account that would be great, as he's already spent £400+ on his own sex kicks, you're rather down on spends what with now having a solo Xmas to fund for the kids... so if any of your fancy shaming him into giving his kids as much as he was willing to spend on sex workers, that would be great.

Original poster

porcelaine · 12/12/2020 14:48

He sent me a long message saying that he was willing to come back if we were”BOTH different” and if I agreed to go to couples counselling. He said he was sorry for minimising but in the same breath said that I wouldn’t calm down so he “couldn’t stay”. Fuck sake. He said he would be willing to come back to give dc a normal Xmas. Guess what no one was begging him back!!! He said he still loves me so much and is so sad about what we have lost but also guess what he didn’t have to do what he did last week!!! It’s all about how he feels!

OP posts:

Fluffycloudland77 · 12/12/2020 14:56

🤨

Crikey. What does he imagine couples counselling will do?.

RandomUser18282 · 12/12/2020 14:58

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 12/12/2020 14:58

Thanks for your kind offer..
Me and dc are happy to have Christmas without you here..
In fact we will be happier every day.
Now do one...

RandomUser18282 · 12/12/2020 14:59

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Lovaduck74 · 12/12/2020 14:59

@porcelaine

He sent me a long message saying that he was willing to come back if we were”BOTH different” and if I agreed to go to couples counselling. He said he was sorry for minimising but in the same breath said that I wouldn’t calm down so he “couldn’t stay”. Fuck sake. He said he would be willing to come back to give dc a normal Xmas. Guess what no one was begging him back!!! He said he still loves me so much and is so sad about what we have lost but also guess what he didn’t have to do what he did last week!!! It’s all about how he feels!

Wow! That's big of him!!! Selfish git😡 Everytime he comes back with something, he just sounds worse and worse!

SnowDogFarts · 12/12/2020 15:07

The rose tint has worn off and you can now see him for the pathetic POS he is; you have already changed @porcelaine but he doesn't like it. The only person who needs to change is him but unfortunately he can't seem to see this after so many chances.

TheLadyOfShallnott · 12/12/2020 15:11

You could resort to the mumsnet staple?

‘No - that doesn’t work for me. We have made other plans for Christmas.’

And as for ‘sorry for what WE lost’?

He lost it. Still trying to make you both responsible for his actions?

No. Doesn’t work like that.

How very bloody dare he? He must be in a right big panic and regretting his drama flounce. Pillock.

You will be better without that.

greenspacesoverthere · 12/12/2020 15:14

he was willing to come back

But he's utterly vile and disgusting. Why would ANYone want him anywhere near them?

billy1966 · 12/12/2020 15:25

Exactly @Santaisironingwrappingpaper

He'll come back if the OP shuts up and tows the line.

What an unappealing offer.

Fluffycloudland77 · 12/12/2020 15:26

You’ve obviously suffered enough by his calculations.

funinthesuntime · 12/12/2020 15:27

He's willing to come back?!!! The fool is still trying to get back in control of you.

Pathetic

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 12/12/2020 15:29

@porcelaine

He sent me a long message saying that he was willing to come back if we were”BOTH different” and if I agreed to go to couples counselling. He said he was sorry for minimising but in the same breath said that I wouldn’t calm down so he “couldn’t stay”. Fuck sake. He said he would be willing to come back to give dc a normal Xmas. Guess what no one was begging him back!!! He said he still loves me so much and is so sad about what we have lost but also guess what he didn’t have to do what he did last week!!! It’s all about how he feels!

Oh this is just awful. Basically, he'll stop gaslighting you if you start to just shut up and put up with the abuse? No thanks. You're worth more. You deserve more. Your children deserve more. Xx

youvegottenminuteslynn · 12/12/2020 15:37

How kind of him to offer to return as long as you stop voicing your concerns about silly little things like him paying other women to get their tits our and grind on his lap, or spending 100s of the family savings in strip clubs and guilt donations...

Fuck me, at least by being such a massive cunt he is making it easier to remember why you absolutely must not cave! Please don't - you'll be so disappointed in yourself, he'll be insufferably smug and it will just be delaying the inevitable for everyone including the kids.

pilates · 12/12/2020 15:46

He really doesn’t think you will go through with it, does he?
He sounds extremely manipulative and controlling. Your life will be so much better without him in it. How are your children, do they know what’s going on?

cosima5 · 12/12/2020 15:50

Dear STBXH

Couples counselling will not be appropriate given we are not longer a couple.

The only thing I am prepared to change is you (as in divorce).

We do not require you for a normal Christmas. In fact, we do not require you at all.

“We” have not lost anything. You have lost me. I have gained a life.

“We” did not pay for sex workers. That would be “You.”

You will be hearing from my solicitors presently.

Bye.

HorseradishSnowflake · 12/12/2020 15:51

He is emotionally abusive, all the tactics are there. What a complete twat. Stay strong and get lots of support and legal advice. Have as little contact with him as possible and think about doing the Freedom Programme, online if necessary. 💐

cosima5 · 12/12/2020 15:53

Willing to come back indeed.

What planet is he on?