Page 39 | To ask how my “d” h spent £400 in a strip club

porcelaine · 2020-12-07T01:34:27+00:00

Posting for traffic. Please know that I am obviously naive as I have no idea what really happens in strip clubs and I don’t know what they cost, but H has just told me that his night out ended in a strip club in zone 1 and when I checked the balance there were 2 atm withdrawals for £200 apiece. So he’s spent £400 (we do not have) in a fucking strip club. Can anyone enlighten me as to what this might buy as he claims it was just ladies dancing on tables in their lingerie which sounds pretty fucking suspect to me. £400.

Irisheyesrsmiling · 12/12/2020 16:05

Ya, @porcelaine that's not a relationship I'd stay in for me or my dc.

Original poster

porcelaine · 12/12/2020 16:08

I feel really weakened by reading his messages. Like just so angry he’s saying he left because i couldn’t calm down, he will come back if we “both” do xyz, he will do Xmas (how the hell would that work!?) and “at least we would have tried” and he loves us so much. The pseudo calm, reasonable texting, when it just inspires anger in me, so he gets to be the wounded party AGAIN. it’s so infuriating. I committed enough to give him another chance with us, to combine finances again despite the fact he’s taken half the money out on a flounce before, signed a new lease with him, sent him off on his all day all night bender, and IM the one who has in some way fucked us? I was doing what I could to move forward and he did this which is so cheap, nasty and selfish, and he’s trying to make it like it was a symptom of his unhappiness or some crap? What the hell? I am so angry this has ruined my day I shouldn’t have opened the messages.

OP posts:

Lovaduck74 · 12/12/2020 16:16

Please don't open his messages, you already know what he is going to say. It's not worth the upset it causes you. Don't engage. Is there a third party that you can work through to arrange access for the DC? Anything that can distance you from him is a good move at this point I think.

SophieB100 · 12/12/2020 16:17

Stop opening his messages, and just communicate with him about the kids. He's playing you OP, and you're reacting. I know it's really hard, but for your own peace of mind and mental health, you have to let him get on with it, and stop interacting.
Not your circus. Not your monkeys

Original poster

porcelaine · 12/12/2020 16:21

It’s so hard when someone’s saying I’m sorry I’ll come back we can try again and make it better etc etc etc. It’s hard to see the context of what he did and how he’s been ever since , the way he has made it all about him.... I feel like my world is changing and I don’t want it to. But I don’t want to cave in.

OP posts:

Honeyroar · 12/12/2020 16:23

Don’t let it ruin your day. Read what you’ve just written- there’s no way anyone will see him as the wounded party. HE has brought all this on, then refused to even discuss it and will only move forward if you accept all blame. You are the wounded party and you’ve had enough.. But now you get to say no, you’re just not good enough. I’m done. Stay strong.

VettiyaIruken · 12/12/2020 16:23

Leaving was to manipulate and punish you.
Now hes saying I'll come back if you shut the fuck up about what I did.

He's a prince alright.

SophieB100 · 12/12/2020 16:24

I know.
You will be on a roller coaster of emotions for a week or two OP.
You don't need to do anything in a rush.
If he is genuine (big IF) he will do whatever it takes to sort this.
And if that means you taking some space and time away from him to gather your thoughts and let your emotions settle, he will gladly agree to that.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 12/12/2020 16:29

@porcelaine

It’s so hard when someone’s saying I’m sorry I’ll come back we can try again and make it better etc etc etc. It’s hard to see the context of what he did and how he’s been ever since , the way he has made it all about him.... I feel like my world is changing and I don’t want it to. But I don’t want to cave in.

Remember he said that before abs you accepted it and he came back.

Then, when meant to be trying and on best behaviour, he went to a strip club, spent hundreds on naked dances from other women, lost more money on the way home, lied about it all, gaslit you, told you you were the problem, told you everyone else would have been fine with it, gave hundreds of YOUR join money to a shelter a few weeks before Christmas, then because you were still upset (no shit) he walked out on you and the kids and withdrew more money for himself.

Read that back and ask yourself if you still want to be with this man?

DO NOT CAVE.

You will hate yourself, he will be more unbearable and cocky than ever (because you'll have proved him right that he can do what the fuck he wants and you'll be a mug) the resentment and toxicity will grow and you'll split in the end anyway.

You're near the finish line now - don't give in!

Catmaiden · 12/12/2020 16:29

If you take him back, again, all that will tell him is that he can go to strip clubs, stay out all night, do what ever he wants, gaslight, verbally and financially abuse you, and then come back "home" and treat you like shit.

In his eyes, by letting him back you will have given him permission to act however he wishes.

You will never be allowed to complain about any of his appalling behaviour, ever again.

Is that the life you really want for and your children?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 12/12/2020 16:32

For extra motivation, imagine a flash forward. If you have daughters, do you want them to accept and tolerate behaviour like this from a man? They will believe it's normal for a man to do what makes him happy and a woman accept it even if it makes her unhappy.

If you have sons do you want them to believe this is an acceptable way to behave in a relationship? That they are entitled to view women as objects they can possess, ogle, pay to see or touch, demean? That they should rule the roost at home and don't need to worry if their partner is sad, that women should put up and shut up?

You have the chance to show them what a strong and brilliant woman looks like so they can enjoy healthy, happy loving relationships in their adulthood.

You can do this

TheLadyOfShallnott · 12/12/2020 16:42

Just sit back and take your time to process.

If you can, text him that you need time to process what he did and that you need space and quiet.

If he chooses not to respect that at the very least, then you know he doesn’t respect what you think for sure. Although I’m sure you know that already.

Space gives you time to process. A text lets him know that and it gives you the reason not to engage with texts until YOU say so.

Arrange contact through a third party and breathe lass.

He is playing with your head because it has worked until now. Don’t give him the opportunity.

Take time out for you and your kids so that you can come to a decision on how YOU want to proceed, not how he thinks you both should.

Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 12/12/2020 16:54

Haven't seen if you have had an sti test yet op...
Give it 2 weeks and you will reap the rewards of binning him off.. Your mh will improve massively..

okokok000 · 12/12/2020 17:30

So sorry OP.

He should have enough respect and compassion to allow you to react / process things in your own time rather than tell you you were doing it wrong because you were not bending to his will and rolling over. He sounds bloody cheeky and manipulative.

It isn't for him, or anyone to tell you how you should react. Don't be rushed into anything and do focus on what you want. Other people's opinions (his, family, friends, strangers on the internet) really don't matter.

Good luck.

bringbacksideburns · 12/12/2020 17:34

If i was you I would want to reply that you have tried all year but this is the final nail in the coffin. It's over.
Nothing more to be said. And any other communication should be about the children.

And those people saying it's normal to do what he and his 'chums' Did? Nah it's not. Not in a normal, mutually respectful relationship it isn't. It's seedy and it's sad.

You are still very young with the rest of your life ahead of you. Don't settle for this.
Good luck. You can do this!

stevalnamechanger · 12/12/2020 17:49

@Worriedandabitscared

Yeeeeeeeah, I can't say I've been in a strip club but £400 sounds more than a dance on a table to me. Don't they do that for free anyway and then people give them money that way?

But he spend £400 you don't have possibly having an affair with a stripper? I don't know what relationship boundaries you have but I think I'd be showing him the door.

Sorry this happened

He isn't having an affair lol

He clearly paid for a private dance

ProfessorInkling · 12/12/2020 18:15

He’s a narcissist. He was the one to leave so he thinks he has control over whether he comes back. Given the opportunity, he will spin the whole thing to make you unreasonable. If he can make you believe it, you’ll feel sorry and wrong and he can be a martyr and forgive you. Fuck that shit.

Yohoheaveho · 12/12/2020 18:21

Don't respond at all, don't acknowledge any of it, let him keep on digging a hole for himself, wait and see what bullshit he comes out with next.
However furious you feel dont let him see it, he wants to provoke some kind of reaction so he can get feedback on what effect this is having and so that he can tailor his next move.
Stonewall.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 12/12/2020 18:23

@ProfessorInkling

He’s a narcissist. He was the one to leave so he thinks he has control over whether he comes back. Given the opportunity, he will spin the whole thing to make you unreasonable. If he can make you believe it, you’ll feel sorry and wrong and he can be a martyr and forgive you. Fuck that shit.

This x 100000!

MrsKingfisher · 12/12/2020 18:29

Yep if he comes back on his terms you'll be the one apologising. You and your children deserve so much better. You might get past Christmas but then there will be another issue shortly after. He's making you out to be the unreasonable one instead of allowing you time to come to a decision in your own time.

Yohoheaveho · 12/12/2020 18:39

he is risible, he flounced off expecting you to beg him to come back, when you didnt (because when the trash takes itself out you thank your lucky stars and make sure it never comes back)
when you didnt he pretends that you did!

MerchantOfVenom · 12/12/2020 18:46

God, he really is the most arrogant little shit, isn’t he?

He completely thinks he holds all the cards. Just wow.

He’ll deign to come back, if you grovel and accept fault for his short-comings.

He gets worse and worse with every revelation.

I would be thinking this is making it easier to stay away, if anything.

TreacleHart · 12/12/2020 18:49

He's blatantly waiting / thought - ' you'd get over it ' by now because all this is obviously your fault. This guy thinks very highly of himself !

FangsForTheMemory · 12/12/2020 18:59

If you take him back, you'll get more of the same. Again and again and again. Is that what you want?

Lovaduck74 · 12/12/2020 20:26

If I may translate from the pungent anglo Saxon I got from my husband..." Yet another example of a lovely person bending over backwards for a c*! ( I am so sorry for strong language but I think it bared saying. We all have your back. Even those with testicles