To ask how my “d” h spent £400 in a strip club

[porcelaine]

Posting for traffic. Please know that I am obviously naive as I have no idea what really happens in strip clubs and I don’t know what they cost, but H has just told me that his night out ended in a strip club in zone 1 and when I checked the balance there were 2 atm withdrawals for £200 apiece. So he’s spent £400 (we do not have) in a fucking strip club.
Can anyone enlighten me as to what this might buy as he claims it was just ladies dancing on tables in their lingerie which sounds pretty fucking suspect to me. £400.

I'm sorry OP this sounds awful but I don't think you should focus on the fact that he left you. He has done you a huge favour. It would be a nightmare if he insisted on staying, at least he is gone now. Change the locks ASAP, you probably need your landlord's permission. Don't let him come back.

I meant to say guilty and regretful (not resentful) and heartbroken

First off, I doubt he has permanently, definitely left. Sounds like just another rash, feckless, selfish, manipulative action in a long list.

But ...

this time last weekend, we were ok

No offence, op but you weren't. You'd already separated this year due to his behaviour and he was supposed to be back on his best behaviour, making an effort - yet he couldn't even get to the end of the year without doing something like this; disrespectful, sleazy, verging on cheating (to me anyway), irresponsible, hurtful, shitty, money wasting (money supposed to be for your family home deposit) etc etc.
Followed up by lying, gas lighting, manipulation, suicide threats, and now walking out on your family.

How did you even find out about the two 200 quid withdrawals? Did he tell you before you found out or would he have covered it up/lied by ommission if you hadn't realised?

He was clearly acting really poorly for a while or you wouldn't have separated; especially given how committed you seem.

His attitude towards relationships, marriage, women, honesty etc etc is really shitty; not sure how any self respecting woman who is award of how he acts could make it work.

His text about feeling sorry for the kids .... That is nauseating, enraging hypocrisy a d irony.

I feel sorry for kids whose dad soebdx hundreds of pounds of savings intended for a deposit for a home for them on private nude "dances" and drinks for him and his friends in seedy, sleazy strip clubs - oh and "loses" significant amounts through carelessness as well (not that I'd believe that).

I also feel sorry for kids whose dad is so moody and shitty at home that his wife, who is clearly invested, commited, sincere and doing her best is pushed to separation
I feel.sorry for kids whose mum is totally naturally upset & angry at their father's shit behaviour, which affects her parenting, no matter how hard she tries not to let it.

Feels sorry for the kids Indeed.

Outrageous hypocrisy.

Did he feel sorry for his kids while he was paying for women?

Meanwhile who was there at home looking after his kids? That would be you OP.

The only person he feels sorry for is himself.

I have withdrawn the money from the joint account, thanks all. I am going to see a solicitor next week. my task for today is seeing a mum friend I trust after school and the kids can play in the park while we have a chat. then tomorrow I have a socially distanced santas grotto thing organised.
I am going to bag up all of his stuff lying around as it is killing me to see it. I have blocked his number and his mums. I have arranged to go to my sister for xmas. I am changing the direct debits to my account right now. I also spoke to my boss who is quite supportive. he said I can take the time I need to get things in order. I had a tea with my brother just now and that helped a lot.
but honestly, I feel in disbelief whenever I think about it. I can't focus on anything. I haven't worked on my book since he told me on Sunday. I've scraped through this week working remotely. I'm holding it together for dc but im dreading the weekend in a way. this is our home, im left in it and he has walked away acting like he gets to decide everything. he even left a little letter I wrote him on our wedding day, out on the chest of drawers, to further guilt me and show how little our marriage meant. I threw it in the bin, fuck him.

its not even just the strip club. if he had been genuinely, sustained remorseful and respectful after, MAYBE I could have gotten over it, but tbh if he loved me as he claimed then he wouldn't have done it, even drunk. he's entitled, secretly misogynistic and takes us for granted even a couple months after a separation. he's irresponsible with money, can't take responsibility like an adult, he's a hypocrite, he's using dc as a way t make me feel even worse than I do. and this isn't my fault. I could've begged him not to leave and said id get over it but I'd be a doormat. that's the word my sister used. I would have been a doormat to do that. he shouldn't have expected that.

Well done for staying strong and refusing to be the doormat he wanted you to be. You might not feel strong but you are.

The rubbish took itself out. You honestly deserve so much better.

Good for you OP. I have to say, you sound amazing.

Some years ago, I went to a wedding up north. All the guests were staying in the hotel the night before. But one if the bridesmaids was going out with one if the men who had been on the stag and he let it slip to her that the groom had been in a private room with naked dancers on the stag night. She called the whole wedding off. Everyone supported her. She was about 30 at the time (and pregnant)! and had been with him all her 20s. She didn’t care that the whole thing had been paid for and people had all travelled up there, etc. She just told everyone what he has done and that was that.

Anyway, she never regretted it and now has an amazing husband and a great life.

You too have a great future ahead. At least you are not wasting any more time.

Your sister sounds like she talks sense! So glad she's got your back.

his sister who I was on good terms with texted me saying she heard and hoping me and dc were ok. I replied saying, these are the facts of what he did, and that we weren't ok.
he's now calling me (I blocked him on WhatsApp but not on phone, apparently, though we never really used it for calls) non stop. I think if I picked up he would rage at me for bad mouthing him. but what the fuck is he gonna do? leave? he already did. so he can just go away. he's trying to paint himself better but I have no reason to lie. she texted me.

OP, your strength is shining out from between the lines of your posts.

I escaped an abusive relationship, and I get that some days will be more painful than others, but you will manage to live through this. A new beginning awaits you.

im sure the next reactionary display coming my way, is him filing divorce online its pretty much all he has left now he's taken the money. so he can feel in control again for 5 minutes. I can't think of anything else he could do except maybe cutting off the internet which he set up and has access to the account for.

Good for you! If he genuinely thinks most women would be ok with what he did then there's nothing for him to worry about when it comes to you telling people is there? Unless he's aware he's been talking absolute bullshit of course, but of course we know he'd never do that 🙄

He's just awful OP I'm so sorry

Now his mum is saying if he comes back tomorrow, can we try again?
What. The. Fuck.
For context, he lives in a part of the U.K. that is only really accessible to where we live by plane.
Another knee jerk reaction. Unhinged. A flounce to the airport and back in 2 days? What the fuck?

There's a wonder.
Leaving was to put you back in your place.
He doesn't know what to do now you aren't behaving like a doormat.

@porcelaine

Now his mum is saying if he comes back tomorrow, can we try again? What. The. Fuck. For context, he lives in a part of the U.K. that is only really accessible to where we live by plane. Another knee jerk reaction. Unhinged. A flounce to the airport and back in 2 days? What the fuck?

Do not cave. Please, please do not cave!! It would be delaying the inevitable and showing him he can do whatever he wants and you'll stay with him. Be brave, it'll be worth it.

He doesn't know what to do now you aren't behaving like a doormat

Yes. He will be in a panic that his flounce didn’t have the desired effect. He will be surprised that you aren’t weeping and wailing and begging him to come back.

You have to look after you. And that means taking time to decide what is best for you and your children. That means not immediately agreeing to his flounce return after two whole days when he has turned your world upside down.

Getting his mum to intervene is just more of the manipulation I fear.

I’m sorry you are going through this.

Keep strong

Now his mum is saying if he comes back tomorrow, can we try again?

Tell her you've been trying to make it work for a long time. It's her arsehole of a DS who screws it up and thinks 'trying to make it work' means he does whatever he wants and you put up with it.

@porcelaine

im sure the next reactionary display coming my way, is him filing divorce online its pretty much all he has left now he's taken the money. so he can feel in control again for 5 minutes. I can't think of anything else he could do except maybe cutting off the internet which he set up and has access to the account for.

You do it ASAP

His mummy is messaging you to ask you if he can come home? So he can't even ask you himself? Pathetic. Unless you're 5yo, I guess.

Please don't cave in now. What an arrogant twat using ending your marriage to try and manipulate you into forgiving his mistakes. I expect he thought you'd come running and when that didn't happen he is now back pedalling, through his mother 🤮. He has no respect for you.

You deserve so much better than this and we can all see here through your posts that you are a strong, capable woman.

If he genuinely thinks most women would be ok with what he did then there's nothing for him to worry about when it comes to you telling people is there?

Exactly!

Now his mum is saying if he comes back tomorrow, can we try again?

Aw his flounce, as someone put it well (with your sweet wedding day letter set out to manipulate you further; you were supposed to fall to your knees weeping, think about how much you love him, your history and beg him to come home) hasn't worked the way he expected.

He's now using his mum to try to manipulate you (and/or she wants rid of him already).

It would be funny if it wasn't so shit.

No matter what you do op, you're definitely seeing the light and seeing him fir what he is.

@Feedingthebirds1

Now his mum is saying if he comes back tomorrow, can we try again?

Tell her you've been trying to make it work for a long time. It's her arsehole of a DS who screws it up and thinks 'trying to make it work' means he does whatever he wants and you put up with it.

This with bells on

He’s pathetic .