To ask how my “d” h spent £400 in a strip club

[porcelaine]

Posting for traffic. Please know that I am obviously naive as I have no idea what really happens in strip clubs and I don’t know what they cost, but H has just told me that his night out ended in a strip club in zone 1 and when I checked the balance there were 2 atm withdrawals for £200 apiece. So he’s spent £400 (we do not have) in a fucking strip club.
Can anyone enlighten me as to what this might buy as he claims it was just ladies dancing on tables in their lingerie which sounds pretty fucking suspect to me. £400.

I had a flouncer, and when he flounced off for the last time and I stuck to my guns he literally couldn't believe it and promised me the moon on a stick, but their words mean nothing, their actions tell you everything. Flouncing off is standard narcissistic abuse behaviour and deeply unattractive

My exh flounced off to live with his mate. Lasted a week. Came home to me and dc all running round so grateful he had come home. So that was his method of terrorism over the next year. Threats to leave..
Then I threw him out.
Oh what a great feeling that was..
And I filed for divorce..
Yabu to even consider taking him back op..

You're doing amazing OP. I've lost count of all the threads where OP takes back abusive arsehole and is back here within 3 months to repeat the cycle.

They don't change. You're the only one who can change your life and your DCs for the better. I kicked out a useless selfish pig when I was 33 and being single for a couple of years was honestly a dream compared to living with that life sucking selfish fuckwit.

My mother also did what your MIL has tried to do! Keep those flying monkeys at bay, she can keep him if he's so great.

It'll all work out OK. Things happen for a reason. It sounds like the relationship was already way past its sell by date and you needed a kick to really get rid of him.

Wishing you the best of luck, although I doubt you'll need it.

Your future self will thank you for this. Be strong.

You mentioned a joint savings pot? Have you taken half?

I would be kissed off about the money but not the lap dance. You get ripped off in those joints - don't read to much into what it was spent in - but he shouldn't have spent family money on it

gottakeeponmovin even moving past the using of family money, why should she ignore or accept the lying and gaslighting shit ?!?

got - well, as you see, he’s been cut loose now so if you’re all cool with the type of “man” who frequents sex workers, knock yourself out!

OP said his phone showed he left the strip club at half twelve but didn’t get home until 2am and it was only half an hour away from where they live. I think there’s a chance the money he ‘lost’ on the way home was spent on a prostitute.

I agree with others, he has done this as a power play, but you have refused to give him the power.
Now he doesn’t know what to do.
You were supposed to back down and beg him to return so he could then use threatening to leave you as a tool to keep you in line.
Well done for taking back the power💐

Shameless place mark. Sorry.

Genuine question @rockyIV

Ive seem loads of poster "shameless placemark". But why don't you watch the thread and just press on bookmark instead of posting that ?

What he has done us really bad and also immature. I knew that he'd want to come back. I wouldn't block him from your phone though. As much as he's been a prick, he is still the father of your children and ought to be able to have means of contact with them. I think that you need to be the bigger person here and make sure that he still chats to the kids/sees them regularly etc. I think that you just need to focus on minimising the fall out for the kids. Because just as much as you also feel panicked and vulnerable, they will have picked up on this and will also be feeling worried. In the long term separation seems sensible if you have already split previously, also for the sake of the kids. However, I think that it just has to be handled with a cool head, at least by one of their parents (i.e. you) because he seems far too reactionary.

Your h is an open book OP. You wouldn’t get over what he did quickly enough so walked out to punish you.

You were supposed to beg him to come home and shut up about the strip club and the £800. He is angry that you told his DM and Dsis. He is either phoning you to abuse you or apologise.

He is a prat. Tell him to piss off.

This thread has helped me a lot today as well as some rl support from friends and family (and a bit of Prosecco to take the edge off.) I am t trying not to ruminate or dwell. I think what’s been hard today is he’s told everyone this was a mutual split, rather than him just like you’ve said punishing me by walking out at 11pm with a suitcase. He also left my family chat and obviously took the money. It was a huge shock to wake up to but everyone agrees that what he did only adds insult to injury and I just think it’s unforgivable. He did this right before Xmas when I was trying to collect myself and not do anything rash. It’s just awful and I think it says a lot about his real self. Adults can manage their emotions and accept consequences and show respect, not bully. Everyone has said he is like a child or a teenager. I still feel in shock, really. Hopefully tomorrow will be ok.

Don't forget the deleted messages. He definitely had messages he didn't want you to see and despite how drunk he says he was, deleting said messages was clearly a priority. So proud of you not caving. You deserve better and so do your children. They must never have the opportunity to accept that this appalling behaviour is normal

OP tomorrow will be hard, but you have to be harder. Your self doubt will try to take over and I have been there believe me. Lean on us and your lovely family.i really think how he bas acted has outdone the original strip club issue, and he is putting you and your DC at huge emotional and financial risk. Keep us posted because so many of us want you to win here. Sending love from Arundel. You are a total hero dear.

Hang in there OP. You will come through. People will support you.

Look after yourself OP and give yourself time to process and come to terms with what has happened.
He put all his money on black and the gamble didn't pay off, he's left himself no-where to go.
Keep on ignoring the flying monkeys that are sent to do his bidding.
Keep a record of everything that happens

Of course he will say it is mutual. No way will he want to look like the sleaze who spoiled Christmas.

Only for you he has given you the best gift ever. He has taken the scales from your eyes and has shown you who he is.

You are down but you aren’t out. You will rise up in time. You really will. A lot of us have

And don’t cover for him. He lied. He gaslighted. He blamed you for his actions. He flounced because you wouldn’t take his pitiful excuses as gospel. You owe him nowt.

Keep going lass.

Oh my love, after reading the first few pages I felt I could write the script for your useless ex. So predictable.
All those who have said that he flounced off to punish you, and has now put himself in a corner he can't get out of are right.
You are not playing the role he wanted you to OP!! You should be grateful to have him back, and actually apologising for over-reacting! That's what he wants now!

You must, must, must get proper legal advice. You must detach from him and his family completely, whilst ensuring that the kids still have contact with him. Everyone knows the truth, even if he lies to them and they go along with it. They know he's a twillock, he knows it, we all know it. That's what he can't handle.

I know what he will do next - because, although I wasn't in your shoes exactly, and my circumstances were different, I caught out my cheating husband of 20 years, and booted him out, and he sounds very similar to yours. He will try to re-write history, he will make out that your irrational behaviour made him act like this. He will try his hardest to justify what he's done. Ignore it. It will say far more about him than it ever will about you. Everyone knows he's buggered this up; he knows it too, deep down, so he'll kick off now, and spit his dummy out. Let him.

You'll be fine.

I haven’t completely blocked him as per what pps suggested but this morning he has called me a few times, left vm and texts that I haven’t picked up because it makes me feel anxious and I just need to focus on the day. He’d said he wouldn’t contact me again til he came back “to get his stuff” but lo and behold he is. It feels really frustrating that he went to these lengths to unsettle me and now it hasn’t worked he is either really angry or going to be really apologetic. Feels like a head fuck. I don’t need this from another adult in their 30s.

Ring his dsis.. Arrange when she can come get his stuff.
Then change the locks.
You do not have to see him.

He went to these lengths to unsettle me
This is because his highest priority is repairing his reputation/restoring the good guy facade and bolstering his wounded pride, he's trying everything he can to make you back down and spin this into a situation where he is the victim and you are in the wrong.
Keep on with the not reacting, the not playing his game, and he is just a tiny sparrow hopelessly throwing himself at a closed window

He's trying to scare you into submission by telling you he's had enough and he's leaving you. When you don't react he knows he's lost control and is trying whatever tactics he can to knock you off balance emotionally. It's a roller coaster because he has lost control of you now and is desperately pulling out all his best tactics to get you back in line. Once he's got you back under control it will be back to business as usual. Please please do not fall for it. He doesn't give a damn about you! Yes it may feel difficult for you in the short term, but in the long term you will be free of this loser and you will come out much stronger and happier.