Toddler drank wine-fuming

[Nomechange]

This morning my dp went out to get milk and I was in the kitchen taking my vitamins with my back to my Dd-2.6 years old. When I turned around she was drinking wine out of a carton. Our picnic basket was on the floor by the bridge and it had been put in there by dp.
Luckily it was hopefully only a sip and two hours later after careful observation, she seems fine.
Aibu to be completely pissed off with my dp for leaving it there? He’s now upset with me and says accidents happen and he wouldn’t be angry with me. I was full of anxiety this morning after it happened and was really upset about it.
He says he put it there to ‘Hide it’ as I go on about his drinking, sick of the bs, just wish he’d grow up like we all have to when we become parents, surely?

My son had an accident earlier this year (I was an arms length away from him at the time). I was told to supervise him at all times so I started to take him to the toilet with me. I used to have fight him to stop him jumping in the bath and as a result of this I stopped being able to poo. I now have problems with my rectum and faecal incontinence ,so no, in my experience you cannot supervise your children all the time.
You sound fed up with your husband. Is there AA in your country?

[quote Nomechange]@pippiphooray1 I used to, there’s just been far too many differences between us and problems, mainly since Dd came along, it’s sad but it never changes[/quote]
You are sadly both very unhappy. Can you take baby and go home to your parents?

[quote Nomechange]@Iwonder08 No idea of your situation but how would you react (genuinely interested) if your partner drank after work, sometimes in the toilet and smoked there too and sometimes on a weekend morning before going out for family time. Am I intense and unpleasant to find it all really upsetting?[/quote]
YANBU for finding it upsetting, but YABU for having a child with a manbaby and expecting him to change. If he can’t get his drinking and smoking under control pre-children, he isn’t going to do it afterwards.

YA also BU for leaving yourself in a position where you can’t leave him. Your priority needs to be getting enough money together to get your child and yourself away from this loser.

@justasking111 I wish, and then he’d be at peace away from me, right? As was laughed about by you before...how can some people be so nasty when it’s clear others are upset

My brother used to have the odd sip of our granny's whisky hot toddy. He has turned out absolutely fine. Granny lived to a ripe old age as well.

YANBU for finding it upsetting, but YABU for having a child with a manbaby and expecting him to change. If he can’t get his drinking and smoking under control pre-children, he isn’t going to do it afterwards.

A lot of things that are acceptable or not a big deal pre children, become very much less so once you have them.

OP changed after having her baby , why shouldn't her husband be expected to do so?

Take smoking for example. Both me and OH smoked in the house before i got pregnant. After the positive test we stopped straight away, repainted everything,replaced curtains etc. 9 years on and we haven't had a single puff in the house.

[quote Nomechange]@justasking111 I wish, and then he’d be at peace away from me, right? As was laughed about by you before...how can some people be so nasty when it’s clear others are upset[/quote]
Then you would both be at peace. You would be free of each other.

@Nomechange It's a horrible situation, fore sure. It seems posters are trying to determine whether you are the nag - or he really has a problem. Just bear in mind, 'unreasonable behaviour' is what YOU find unreasonable, not something that is on a legislated list.

I think maybe you need to think about whether he is someone you actually want to be with. Your response to my original question suggests you hadn't thought about whether or not you still liked him as a person.

Regardless, there are life reasons for being in the place you are now. If you want to change any of that, you absolutely have the right to do so. Stay strong, OP. Drinking is so destructive to a family dynamic. But you DC will be absolutely fine.

OP changed after having her baby , why shouldn't her husband be expected to do so?

As the old saying goes, “a man marries a woman hoping she won’t change. A woman marries a man hoping he will”.

Replace “married” with “having a baby with”.

The OP is welcome to change, but she can’t expect her boyfriend to.

My 3 year old DS took a big slug of my cappuccino yesterday while my back was turned in the park... Luckily it was lukewarm but it took me off guard as I was momentarily distracted and he's been pretty good about not going near hot drinks for a while. So if this was an isolated incident, YABU.

However, from your subsequent posts, the words straw, camel and back come to mind. Sounds like this is a symptom of a deeper issue and that's what you're really upset about.

@MaskingForIt Things weren’t bad really before Dd came along, having a child changes things, if I would’ve known, I wouldn’t have headed in that direction

I’m in a situation where it’s difficult to leave as I’m abroad away from family and it will be hard to take her away out of the country from him, is that my fault too for being in this situation? Life isn’t always planned is it? Sometimes it’s fantastic and for whatever reason, things change or don’t work out how we thought they would.

Absolutely horrible thread. Op he has alcohol issues, you're not to blame. I don't know what the majority of posters are on with their responses 😡

Smoking in the house with a child is disgusting, vile, selfish, as is driving your other half and child under the influence.

[quote Nomechange]@MaskingForIt Things weren’t bad really before Dd came along, having a child changes things, if I would’ve known, I wouldn’t have headed in that direction

I’m in a situation where it’s difficult to leave as I’m abroad away from family and it will be hard to take her away out of the country from him, is that my fault too for being in this situation? Life isn’t always planned is it? Sometimes it’s fantastic and for whatever reason, things change or don’t work out how we thought they would.[/quote]
You need to see a lawyer in the country you are and see what rights you have,what rights he has.

Apply for a passport for your DD.

The legal situation makes all the difference of what your next course of action should be regarding leaving him.

Do you have a job there? Could you make it on your own at least for a while?

I grew up with a dad that used to drink, afire him and he was a hard working dad who I know loved me as my dp adores Dd. However, I have many traumatic memories of behaviour after his drinking and situations where drinking was involved. It was literally the one thing I said I would never have for my kids, my dp barely drank before and if he did he became a happy, loving drunk, things are totally different these days.
It’s a simple request to not smoke in the toilet that I’ve asked for a long long time and he doesn’t stop. The drinking on weekend mornings is the final part that I just can’t accept. I have changed since Dd came along, we tried 9 years to have her, I want the very best for her, not this situation, I just wish he’d sort himself out, we’re 42, I feel like I’m with a child in so many ways.

*Adore him

I do think it’s odd to drink several cartons of wine a week sat on a toilet and even some weekend mornings- it is odd! I love a glass of wine, but your partner’s drinking seems way too much. Can he go without drink? How much is he spending on it? Does he drive... Drinking in the morning, imo makes you an alcoholic. Unless it’s a one off, like a stag do etc.

Toddlers get into everything! Just make sure all cleaning products and wine are not at toddler level in future. I wouldn’t be angry that he left the wine out, it was an accident. I’d be angry he’s drinking too much and hiding it from you.

From your posts I assume you are from the UK but now live elsewhere. Is your DH British or is he from the country you now live in?

Surprised at PP. That was bloody reckless.

But as PP said it's hard to figure out who Is unreasonable re: the drinking.

@AccidentallyOnPurpose I’d really struggle on one wage where I am, if the wages were higher I’d move out. I’m in a good profession but I still don’t think the wages would be doable, in the uk I’d be fine financially

It’s just so complicated, I wouldn’t want to take his Dd away from him, I couldn’t do that but the situation is so miserable, how long do you wait for changes? I don’t want Dd growing up in an unhappy place, I fake it so often, I try so hard for her sake

@Suzi888

I do think it’s odd to drink several cartons of wine a week sat on a toilet and even some weekend mornings- it is odd! I love a glass of wine, but your partner’s drinking seems way too much. Can he go without drink? How much is he spending on it? Does he drive... Drinking in the morning, imo makes you an alcoholic. Unless it’s a one off, like a stag do etc.

Toddlers get into everything! Just make sure all cleaning products and wine are not at toddler level in future. I wouldn’t be angry that he left the wine out, it was an accident. I’d be angry he’s drinking too much and hiding it from you.

How can she make sure wine isn't at toddler level if he hides it and obviously not telling her about it?

Should she do a recon and rummage through every nook and cranny every time her toddler walk into a room?

is that my fault too for being in this situation? Life isn’t always planned is it? Sometimes it’s fantastic and for whatever reason, things change or don’t work out how we thought they would

You are obsessed with blame, OP. Stop trying to get yourself off the hook - you're not on a hook. Even if it is 100% his fault or 100% your fault, you have to take action, because he won't, and if you don't, you are enabling him, and the situation will stay the same.

Are you actively considering leaving him, or do you prefer to try to work through it with him a bit before taking that option? If you leave, have you looked into what options you will have, and what will happen re custody etc, given that you are abroad? If you stay, and talk to him, how would you like the conversation to go? What are your boundaries? What will be the consequences if he abuses your boundaries? These are the questions to be concerning yourself with, not 'It's all his fault!' or 'I suppose you all think it's my fault, but it isn't.'

@StanfordPines We’re both British but live in another country

[quote Nomechange]@AccidentallyOnPurpose I’d really struggle on one wage where I am, if the wages were higher I’d move out. I’m in a good profession but I still don’t think the wages would be doable, in the uk I’d be fine financially

It’s just so complicated, I wouldn’t want to take his Dd away from him, I couldn’t do that but the situation is so miserable, how long do you wait for changes? I don’t want Dd growing up in an unhappy place, I fake it so often, I try so hard for her sake[/quote]
Is he from the country you are in?

Would he have to pay maintenance? Is there any support /benefits for single parents where you are?

I really think you need to talk to a lawyer and see what's what. It could be that things wouldn't be as worse or complicated as you are imagining it.

That's the first step you need to take, once you have a clear view of your legal situation you can start thinking about staying, coming back to the uk etc.

how long do you wait for changes

You don't. You state your boundaries, and if they are abused, you leave. It might take a while to arrange leaving, but that's a different matter.

You tell him 'If you do x one more time, I will leave you.' Make sure he understands. Follow through.

Sounds like this is more about your husband's drinking problem than the fact your daughter had a small sip. Out of context it would be an over-reaction but I think you're reacting to your husband being an alcoholic?