Toddler drank wine-fuming

[Nomechange]

This morning my dp went out to get milk and I was in the kitchen taking my vitamins with my back to my Dd-2.6 years old. When I turned around she was drinking wine out of a carton. Our picnic basket was on the floor by the bridge and it had been put in there by dp.
Luckily it was hopefully only a sip and two hours later after careful observation, she seems fine.
Aibu to be completely pissed off with my dp for leaving it there? He’s now upset with me and says accidents happen and he wouldn’t be angry with me. I was full of anxiety this morning after it happened and was really upset about it.
He says he put it there to ‘Hide it’ as I go on about his drinking, sick of the bs, just wish he’d grow up like we all have to when we become parents, surely?

@Eckhart I was responding to a previous poster who was implying it was my fault for being with someone and assuming they’d change. This weren’t like this at first.
I think from some of the posts to me on here I’m quite justified to feel defensive tbh, it wasn’t what I expected.

In an ideal world I would obviously want to try to work through it, but have tried so so many times, it never changes, he says life would be unbearable without us, so why not work together with a couple of changes, what’s so hard about it, I really don’t understand it

@Nomechange

He has it in the toilet mainly as he comes home from work and goes to the toilet, has a cigarette there too, which is also a massive bone of contention. I see it as a problem, it feels like a problem to me. Again I have no issue with alcohol

Yeah. It IS really weird to have alcohol and cigarettes in the toilet. He obviously doesn't feel comfortable having them in your presence for whatever reason - maybe he worries he will be judged. It sounds like he needs some help.

Sat looking at the Christmas tree just so sad that another weekend has turned out like this, all I want is a lovely home and childhood for Dd, not filled with smoke and drinking and resentment and anger.

*This wasn’t like this at first

maybe he worries he will be judged

Well, yes, you would judge someone smoking in your child’s home wouldn’t you?

@wildraisins of course OP should judge him smoking in the house with their daughter there.

She has no issues with him smoking, she has issues with him smoking inside and rightly so.

As for the drinking, I bet it's because he knows he drinks way too much. OP already knows he drinks and where and when. What she doesn't know is how much he drinks. That's why hat he's really hiding.

@wildraisins He’s always smoked on the toilet at his own home growing up etc (as a late teen) , I agree it’s weird, that seems to be the place he goes to chill out for a bit. I guess I see it similar ish to pre Dd and I used to love sitting on the balcony with a bottle of wine and cigarettes listening to music on my headphones, it’s odd to me it’s in the toilet. We argue/I mention it as it stinks of smoke (lovely) he stops for a bit, then it’s just back to normal. With a toddler he most likely wouldn’t be able to relax the same sat on the sofa downstairs drinking (as she climbs all over him and wants to play) and he obviously wouldn’t smoke right there. I get that that’s a chill out place after work and I understand he needs it, we all do, it’s just when you have a child, some things have to change? How hard is it to quickly have the cigarette outside? Or to maybe try to not make the drinking nightly or on weekend mornings

*When I used to love

@Eckhart she’d get the same advice from Al Anon who also ‘know it all’ funnily enough

@Alternista

“how would you react (genuinely interested) if your partner drank after work, sometimes in the toilet and smoked there too and sometimes on a weekend morning before going out for family time.“

1. I wouldn’t mind him drinking after work at all.

1. If he was drinking in the toilet I’d wonder why he felt the need to hide it/ get away from me like that and I’d talk to him about that.

1. Smoking in the house would be a deal breaker for me full stop, as that would also affect my and my children’s health.

1. Drinking before 10am would also be a massive red flag. But are you sure he had drunk? You say you could tell- how? That would tip it over into problem drinking for me and I’d be asking him to get some help if that’s definitely the case.

It seems to me that now is a good time for a cards on the table talk. I think you probably went off a bit due to your own anxiety and I do wonder if that is linked to his secret/withdrawn drinking- if you can own that but also say to him that you’re concerned about all of the above which isn’t helping, can you together agree some things, then you’ve got a good opportunity to work things out for the good of all of you. If he can’t or won’t meet you halfway you’ve got some decisions to make.

Oh and ignore the posters trying to make you feel like a shit Mum- you’re quite clearly not.

Best of luck

This is exactly what I have been thinking reading this and said very well!

He knows how much it upsets me but doesn’t stop? I find it upsetting he can put DD’s health (and mine) at risk like that.
Sounds ridiculous but have just ordered two small smoke alarms for the house so there’s zero chance of it continuing, on a friends advice, pretty sad I have to go to these lengths. The stress of thinking of my daughters health and upbringing is a lot, how can it not change how I feel about him

al-anon.org/newcomers/faq/

Have a look OP

I think trying to understand it may be your downfall, here, OP. You're not a secret drinker, you're not a secret smoker, you don't hide dangerous things where your toddler might easily find them. You don't have to understand. The whole point of splitting up (for any relationship, any time) is that the two people are too different.

He is continuing to treat you poorly despite your attempts to instigate changes. He is manipulating you into the guilty position by telling you how bad it will be if you leave, but how bad is it for you if you stay? You sound like he's driving you round the twist, and is willing to get behind the wheel drunk, endangering his own life, your life, and your child's life. How bad do you need to feel before it will be worse than how he will feel if you leave?

You are not responsible for him. His drinking is his responsibility. Even if you were unbearable as you suggested earlier, he still would have a variety of options. Imagine how different things would be if he chose, instead, to talk to you about the options/compromises you could reach by both making small changes. That's what a healthy person would do, in a healthy relationship. But he makes the decision to drink. It can't be your fault unless you are holding him down and pouring it into him, whilst he protests.

He is also responsible for the way he feels after you leave. If you tell him you need change, and if you don't get it, you will leave, then any feelings he has after you leave have been caused directly by him.

You need to get firm and stop doubting yourself. You don't like what he's doing so you need to stop putting up with it. It's not about changing him. It's about changing your view of the power dynamic, because at the moment, you give him all the power, and then take all the blame when things aren't to your liking. Can you see why it's all weighing so heavy on you? Take back some power. It's your life. You're in charge. You get to say what's ok for you and what isn't. You can spend time with whoever you like, or not. It seems you've lost sight of this.

@user1471462428

My son had an accident earlier this year (I was an arms length away from him at the time). I was told to supervise him at all times so I started to take him to the toilet with me. I used to have fight him to stop him jumping in the bath and as a result of this I stopped being able to poo. I now have problems with my rectum and faecal incontinence ,so no, in my experience you cannot supervise your children all the time. You sound fed up with your husband. Is there AA in your country?

This is awful, I hope you can get this sorted. What an unfair pressure to put on you

@Alternista I’m not sure if he’s going in the toilet to get away from me tbh, he’s always gone in the toilet for ages and does when he goes back home, it’s a bit of a joke with his family etc.
But would you like him drinking every night after work, on the way home and possibly upstairs too? Is that healthy? It worries me.

I’ve tried talking lots and I’m open to discussing my faults, which I definitely know I have to, I’ve tried to be more laid back about these things but when I smell that smoke again, just before her bedtime next door to where she sleeps or have to always be the driver because he’s drank on a Saturday morning before a food shop, it’s ridiculous to me, I can’t respect that anymore. I sometimes find myself now feeling envious of friends partners while seem stronger than him, being a father who doesn’t drink early in the morning etc.
I can tell he drinks as I know the change in him, the smell sometimes and sometimes the cartons in the bathroom.

@Nomechange

He knows how much it upsets me but doesn’t stop? I find it upsetting he can put DD’s health (and mine) at risk like that. Sounds ridiculous but have just ordered two small smoke alarms for the house so there’s zero chance of it continuing, on a friends advice, pretty sad I have to go to these lengths. The stress of thinking of my daughters health and upbringing is a lot, how can it not change how I feel about him

Because in a very simplistic nutshell you have different priorities.

He prioritises himself/his drinking/his smoking/his "needs".

You're trying to balance DD's needs ,with his needs,with the relationship's needs,with your needs.

However it doesn't work as you're trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. DD's needs and his wants for example , are complete opposites.

You're trying to consider too many people and variables. He doesn't consider enough(only himself).

I would definitely be pissed off. What next? Bleach, medication, drain cleaner? You only need one incident to have a dead or injured child. A lot of men need to wake up and grow up and stop being so helpless.

[quote Smellbellina]@Eckhart she’d get the same advice from Al Anon who also ‘know it all’ funnily enough[/quote]
They may well do, if they had all the information, but they don't, and nor do we. But clearly you think you do.

I'm sure OP will take whatever advice she seems relevant from the thread, at any rate, so, not to worry.

*Too

I honestly can't believe some have said you are even partly to blame. He hid the alcohol. How could the OP have known? You sound like a very conscientious mum who has child-proofed the house (to the extent a house can ever be "child- proofed"). That there would be a hidden carton of alcohol within your daughter's reach could not have been foreseen and I would have been livid. I do drink myself (probably more than I should) so this is not about the drinking per se to me, but about the absolute lack of judgment by your husband. Really sorry OP.

@Eckhart yes because hiding alcohol and drinking alcohol in the morning is perfectly normal non-alcoholic behaviour

I would come off here and go to Al Anon (link is above - someone else posted). They're so helpful and supportive. It commits you to nothing, you can just read and listen if you want. I'm a recovering alcoholic and go to AA. AA is not for everyone, but I'd say that anyone with a spouse or partner with a drinking problem can benefit from the support of Al Anon.

Bunch of arseholes on here trying to convince OP she's somehow at fault. This is a man who hides drink around the house and lone drinks in the bathroom. He drinks in the mornings. I'd have LOVED you guys back when I was drinking though and doing things like hiding vodka in mouthwash bottles in the bathroom. You lot would have totally had my back. Probably my partner made me do it eh... with his nagging. Not me choosing to pour the vodka down my throat. FFS.

Hiding wine where children can access it is so dangerous.
All dangerous substances should be locked away or put well out of reach.
Your DH and you need to discuss his drinking in a sensible manner.. Booze hiding implies heavy drinking and fear of repercussions from you.

Nagging is futile with addicts.

Glad your child is ok.

On subject of hidden drugs.. Methadone is especially deadly.

Liquid , and teaspoonful (sip)can kill a curious child.

@Smellbellina

We clearly disagree. Never mind. Lets stop this bunfight and stick to OP. As I said once already, I'm sure she will take what she needs from all the advice on the thread.

The messed up thing is he’s angry at me, storming around the house, upset I’m making out he’s a shit father (we haven’t spoken since this morning as I’m trying to avoid being around him) but he’s angry at me, am I missing something here