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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Toddler drank wine-fuming

314 replies

Nomechange · 06/12/2020 11:57

This morning my dp went out to get milk and I was in the kitchen taking my vitamins with my back to my Dd-2.6 years old. When I turned around she was drinking wine out of a carton. Our picnic basket was on the floor by the bridge and it had been put in there by dp.
Luckily it was hopefully only a sip and two hours later after careful observation, she seems fine.
Aibu to be completely pissed off with my dp for leaving it there? He’s now upset with me and says accidents happen and he wouldn’t be angry with me. I was full of anxiety this morning after it happened and was really upset about it.
He says he put it there to ‘Hide it’ as I go on about his drinking, sick of the bs, just wish he’d grow up like we all have to when we become parents, surely?

OP posts:
lurch3r · 06/12/2020 14:30

I think you're getting a really hard time from a lot of posters here, OP. If you didn't know your child would find wine, why shouldn't they play with an empty picnic basket? Should you check everywhere they play, "just in case Daddy's hidden his stash of wine there"? Also smoking in the house would annoy me, if you had agreed beforehand that he wouldn't do it. Sadly, he's acting like a sneaky teenager and you're acting like his mum. Not good.

fatkitchen · 06/12/2020 14:31

Please stop talking about you're dp drinking all time in each post.
Just supervise your little girl a bit
More. Accident happen and no harm was done

Chanandlerbong01 · 06/12/2020 14:32

If you are sick of it then do something about it.

MotherPiglet · 06/12/2020 14:33

Alternatively see this from the other side, toddler was left under your supervision and you found them drinking wine. Being angry at your DH is a different issue here.

PinkPlantCase · 06/12/2020 14:34

Do you want to leave him OP?

Go to some couples counselling. Help him understand how much it gets you down. Tell that you don’t want your daughter to be raised in this environment. I’m assuming from this you mean that you’ll leave if it carries on.

I think talking it through in a professional environment will really help you both and stop it ending in a slanging match.

This is about so much more than a carton of wine that was left at toddler height.

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 06/12/2020 14:37

@MotherPiglet

Alternatively see this from the other side, toddler was left under your supervision and you found them drinking wine. Being angry at your DH is a different issue here.
Wine that wouldn't have been there if it wasn't for his disordered drinking and hiding of alcohol.

OP can't risk assess for a danger she didn't know was there.

GoldenOmber · 06/12/2020 14:38

@fatkitchen

Please stop talking about you're dp drinking all time in each post. Just supervise your little girl a bit More. Accident happen and no harm was done
Oh look, OP’s partner’s joined the thread!

Seriously OP, don’t bother wasting your time and energy arguing with the “well maybe you’re MAKING him drink excessively in secret” crowd. Instead, look at resources like Al-Anon and SMART Recovery and other orgs that know what they’re actually talking about on what to do if you’re worried about a loved one’s drinking. Al-Anon have the ‘Three Cs’

  • you didn’t cause it
  • you can’t control it
  • you can’t cure it.
So what you CAN do is to decide for yourself where your boundaries are, and what you’ll do if he crosses those.
RaspberryCoulis · 06/12/2020 14:41

@fatkitchen

Please stop talking about you're dp drinking all time in each post. Just supervise your little girl a bit More. Accident happen and no harm was done
Another one to add to the "cowbag" list.
AccidentallyOnPurpose · 06/12/2020 14:47

It's ridiculous really.

If OP posted just about the smoking in the house , she would've got so much more support and plenty of LTB's.Hmm

But because it's drinking, it must be either ok or her fault somehow.

Eckhart · 06/12/2020 14:48

@MotherPiglet

Alternatively see this from the other side, toddler was left under your supervision and you found them drinking wine. Being angry at your DH is a different issue here.
Well, no, not really. They are both responsible for making sure that their house is safe for their toddler. OP shouldn't have to do a full property check whenever her partner leaves the house, she should be able to trust that he won't leave unsafe things lying around.
Smellbellina · 06/12/2020 14:50

We don't his reasons. Or perhaps you do..?

An alcoholic doesn’t need a reason to drink, and they will give you any old sob story as an excuse to keep you enabling their behaviour.
Hiding drink, drinking in the morning, he’s an alcoholic end off. There’s nothing OP can do about that and she sure as hell is not responsible.

Smellbellina · 06/12/2020 14:52

OP I honestly think you should leave the thread, post again in relationships.

vomcomvomcom · 06/12/2020 14:59

“he drinks in the bathroom while listening to music”

You sound like a fun person to live with! Confused

Eckhart · 06/12/2020 15:00

@Smellbellina

We don't his reasons. Or perhaps you do..?

An alcoholic doesn’t need a reason to drink, and they will give you any old sob story as an excuse to keep you enabling their behaviour.
Hiding drink, drinking in the morning, he’s an alcoholic end off. There’s nothing OP can do about that and she sure as hell is not responsible.

Glad you've got it all worked out. It's a good job somebody knows everything, isn't it!
OhDear2200 · 06/12/2020 15:02

OP - you are getting flack here you don’t deserve.

I would be fuming if I was in your shoes.

Hiding alcohol? What is he a teenager going to a party? Sod that, I would want a grown up as a partner.

I can’t believe people are normalising drinking at 10am on a Saturday.

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 06/12/2020 15:04

@vomcomvomcom

“he drinks in the bathroom while listening to music”

You sound like a fun person to live with! Confused

How do you justify his smoking in there too when they have a toddler in the house?
OhDear2200 · 06/12/2020 15:04

@vomcomvomcom

“he drinks in the bathroom while listening to music”

You sound like a fun person to live with! Confused

Really? She’s got a toddler and he’s drinking in the bathroom when he’s been at work? Jesus. This is not about OP being up tight this this about him being a man boy.
pinkearedcow · 06/12/2020 15:12

This is a really odd thread. OP's little one sipped some wine, which OP didn't know was there because the DP had hidden it. OP is getting the blame for the little one finding the wine and for her DP hiding it.

People who have a healthy relationship with booze don't tend to hide bottles/cartons of it from their partner.

Crinkle77 · 06/12/2020 15:13

@rottiemum88

I was watching my toddler as I say, I had my back to her for literally 2 minutes as was having my vitamins with water, turned around and she was in the picnic basket which is on the floor by the washing basket etc. Definitely wasn’t foreseeing there would be a box of wine in there.

Doesn't have to be a box of wine to be a danger to her. Two minutes is too long and there are plenty of dangerous things toddlers can do in that time. This was YOUR fault.

Don't be ridiculous!
TheTeenageYears · 06/12/2020 15:15

What choices do you have OP? Are you living somewhere you are free to leave and take DD? Do you have anywhere to go?

pippiphooray1 · 06/12/2020 15:17

@Nomechange I am trying to get a sense of whether you feel you have a good relationship otherwise? Do you enjoy him as a person? (without the bits that annoy/upset you)

Original poster
Nomechange · 06/12/2020 15:19

@TheTeenageYears I have nowhere to go, it would be different if I was back in the uk. I’d have to get us back to the uk

OP posts:
Cam2020 · 06/12/2020 15:20

Please stop talking about you're dp drinking all time in each post.
Just supervise your little girl a bit
More. Accident happen and no harm was done

Seriously, it was hidden in an innocuous looking picnic basket! If the child had been raiding cupboards or high up shelves, I'd agree, but she wasn't!

Original poster
Nomechange · 06/12/2020 15:20

@pippiphooray1 I used to, there’s just been far too many differences between us and problems, mainly since Dd came along, it’s sad but it never changes

OP posts:
lazyarse123 · 06/12/2020 15:21

@vomcomvomcom

“he drinks in the bathroom while listening to music”

You sound like a fun person to live with! Confused

Seriously who over the age of 15 sits on a toilet drinking at 10am on a Saturday? We're not talking about a leisurely soak with a glass of wine here. Op it does sound as if your dh is putting alcohol above family life and I don't think you are being controlling. You need to decide whether to live with it or leave. Good luck.