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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Toddler drank wine-fuming

314 replies

Nomechange · 06/12/2020 11:57

This morning my dp went out to get milk and I was in the kitchen taking my vitamins with my back to my Dd-2.6 years old. When I turned around she was drinking wine out of a carton. Our picnic basket was on the floor by the bridge and it had been put in there by dp.
Luckily it was hopefully only a sip and two hours later after careful observation, she seems fine.
Aibu to be completely pissed off with my dp for leaving it there? He’s now upset with me and says accidents happen and he wouldn’t be angry with me. I was full of anxiety this morning after it happened and was really upset about it.
He says he put it there to ‘Hide it’ as I go on about his drinking, sick of the bs, just wish he’d grow up like we all have to when we become parents, surely?

OP posts:
AccidentallyOnPurpose · 06/12/2020 16:53

@Nomechange

The messed up thing is he’s angry at me, storming around the house, upset I’m making out he’s a shit father (we haven’t spoken since this morning as I’m trying to avoid being around him) but he’s angry at me, am I missing something here
Typical addict behaviour. It always someone else's fault, particularly the person's who points out they have a problem.
BefuddledPerson · 06/12/2020 16:55

You've had some odd responses on here. However, alcohol is always a tricky topic to raise as a fair number of people have an unhealthy drink pattern.

My view is:

  • It is weird to hide wine at a height a toddler can get hold of it
  • It isn't your fault the toddler got hold of something the other adult hid there
  • Drinking in secret is concerning
  • Drinking in the morning is concerning
  • It sounds like you need more knowledge of how much he's drinking and when in order to properly judge the situation
  • It sounds like the relationship is not going well and that in itself is hard work for anyone

Sorry you've had some bullshit on the thread, think carefully for yourself what seems true, you'll work it out. Flowers

Mydogmylife · 06/12/2020 16:58

So, couple of drip feeds - this smoking /drinking in the toilet isn't actually a new thing (although seems a bit weird to me) , he's always done it and his family tease him about it
Second - your dad was an alcoholic and you've admitted that you are sensitive about not letting your dd be exposed to the same behaviour ( and nothing wrong with that)
Seems to me that since you've had dd, behaviours that you were totally fine with are now regarded as being firmly off the table, and its difficult for us as outsiders to tell if you are being unreasonable/ perhaps projecting from your own childhood or justifiably annoyed as he's behaving in a way that he's agreed not to.
As others have said this is not about allocating blame as you seem to want to do, but seems to be a lack of communication / agreement about the new 'family ' rules. Talk to him and explain your worries and see what his reaction is , take it from there

ThirstyGhost · 06/12/2020 16:59

@Nomechange

The messed up thing is he’s angry at me, storming around the house, upset I’m making out he’s a shit father (we haven’t spoken since this morning as I’m trying to avoid being around him) but he’s angry at me, am I missing something here
I used to pull this shit. It's anything to deflect from behaviour related to your drinking. I'd accuse my partner of nagging me, stressing me out, etc... If that failed I used to walk out sometimes to try and make him feel bad about himself (again - anything to deflect). We're parasites when we're drinking.
Biscuitsdisappear · 06/12/2020 16:59

Leaving a carton of wine on the floor when you have a 2.6 year old is not an accident, it's stupid.

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 06/12/2020 17:01

@Mydogmylife

So, couple of drip feeds - this smoking /drinking in the toilet isn't actually a new thing (although seems a bit weird to me) , he's always done it and his family tease him about it Second - your dad was an alcoholic and you've admitted that you are sensitive about not letting your dd be exposed to the same behaviour ( and nothing wrong with that) Seems to me that since you've had dd, behaviours that you were totally fine with are now regarded as being firmly off the table, and its difficult for us as outsiders to tell if you are being unreasonable/ perhaps projecting from your own childhood or justifiably annoyed as he's behaving in a way that he's agreed not to. As others have said this is not about allocating blame as you seem to want to do, but seems to be a lack of communication / agreement about the new 'family ' rules. Talk to him and explain your worries and see what his reaction is , take it from there
She did. He changes for a while then starts doing it again.
Eckhart · 06/12/2020 17:04

@Nomechange

The messed up thing is he’s angry at me, storming around the house, upset I’m making out he’s a shit father (we haven’t spoken since this morning as I’m trying to avoid being around him) but he’s angry at me, am I missing something here
It's messed up that you feel you're missing something. That's another attempt to blame yourself. There's not some kind of 'key' you're meant to have. Everything is right there in front of you. You think he's a shit father, he doesn't. You don't want someone you consider to be a shit father for your child. He risks his health, your health, and the health of your child. That's all you need to know. Stop trying to work out the details, or work out why. Your child will continue to witness daddy stomping around in a sulk, or drunk, or absent, for longer and longer, and will be set an example that being treated the way he treats you is ok to live with. She will then allow herself to be treated that way in the future.

You don't need to understand him, you need to work out how to leave him.

Mydogmylife · 06/12/2020 17:05

@AccidentallyOnPurpose
Fair enough - if she's had a talk, and he's not changing , its time to make the change happen herself. As they say don't keep on doing the same thing and expect a different result. Time to decide whether to keep on trying, or whether these behaviours are too much to put up with.

PurpleWave · 06/12/2020 17:18

@Nomechange

This thread is horrifying, I'd abandon it and restart something in relationships. AIBU is full up of people who have nothing better to do than make you feel bad.

Your partner has a drinking problem and is now trying to get the attention off himself and back onto you to make you question yourself and feel bad.

You need to think about whether this is the life you want as his priority is getting wasted and yours is your daughter.

This isn't going to be your happily ever after is it?

I think you should start by trying to work out how you'd leave him if you needed to. What steps would you need to take, could you leave the country, etc.

That doesn't mean leaving now, but I would highly doubt that he will change.

Original poster
Nomechange · 06/12/2020 17:24

I think the only way we could leave to go back to the uk is to all leave here together. He wouldn’t agree to us leaving (I would never just take her away from him) I want him to have a relationship with Dd, for both their sakes. But he’s not likely to agree to go back on the condition we’ll be separate when there. The benefits here aren’t like in the uk, I wish we’d stayed in the uk, so much easier. It’s very difficult without family support around too. It’s just all a big headache and not as simple as for some.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nomechange · 06/12/2020 17:26

I’m not sure if my own father was an alcoholic, when he drank, he drank a lot but didn’t wake up and have a drink.
I’m not sure if dp is actually an alcoholic, that feels too scary to address

OP posts:
GeorgiaGirl52 · 06/12/2020 17:27

OP it is shocking how many people seem to think drinking is no big thing. I totally see your point. You have grown up to become an adult and a parent. He is still a big kid.

  1. You are not opposed to him smoking but you are opposed to him smoking inside and exposing the child to second-hand smoke.
  2. You are not opposed to him drinking but you do object to him drinking and driving, hiding his liquor, and drinking before normal daily events like grocery shopping.
  3. You grew up with an alcoholic parent and you know what it looks likes and what it feels like and you want a better life for your child.
Now move to step 4. You are married to an alcoholic. What are you going to do to protect your child? You know you cannot force him to quit. He chooses when where and how much he drinks. You choose whether you raise your child the way you were raised or give your child a better, more stable life.
AllTheDogsIveLovedBefore · 06/12/2020 17:32

OP you have had some doozies here. Let me tell you I used to be your husband. I would hide alcohol around the house - in wardrobes, mothers boot of my car, in small bottles zipped away in my handbag - I would drink it while driving home from work while chewing mints to disguise the smell, I'd even put it into the children's water bottles so DH would think it was water just sitting about. I always drank alone. Hated drinking with others as it meant I had to drink at THEIR pace and I would have to restrain myself and not drink how much I felt I needed which made me panic.

I would justify it by saying my DH would just go on about my drinking so I was doing it for a quiet life. And there is some truth in that...I have a fear of any kind of confrontation. Really though, I didn't want him to get in the way of my drinking. I didn't want him looking at me, talking to me, distracting me...it was to be me and the drink and that's it.

I only began recovery when my health was affected. My heart was racing, i had chest pains and vibrations, I couldn't breathe well, my skin was itchy, my fingers were sore, I had constant colds...I HAD to stop as I knew I was going to leave my children motherless. I went to AA online this year and am now five months sober.

There was nothing DH could have said or done to change me. He didn't even know the half of it so how could he? And anyway, in my mind he was the enemy. The one trying to stop me from drinking. I was not going to listen to my enemy.

Go to AA Anon. And the very best of luck to you.

Diva66 · 06/12/2020 17:37

He has a drink problem. He’s feeling guilty so he’s trying to put the blame on you.

CatNoBag · 06/12/2020 17:41

It sounds like you both have different attitudes to alcohol these days. I don't drink much (used to drink quite a bit, but slowed down over the years), my partner doesn't drink at all, but most of my family are big (social) drinkers. Each to their own, but if your partner feels like the only place he can enjoy a drink is in the toilet then I think you might both have a problem - him if he needs a drink that much he'll take it in the bathroom, and you for making him feel he has to hide it.

Kalula · 06/12/2020 17:42

@Nomechange Cake Please ignore the nasty comments, none, NONE of this is your fault! Please understand and accept this. I too, had an alcoholic father and a lot of our shopping plans almost always revolved around when the pub would be open, and leave mum in an isle in the supermarket while he ducked over the road 'to the toilet' and had a 'quick one' on his way out. Sometimes he'd drink tall bottle (750mls) of beer before he left for work (he didn't drive by then thankfully). Everything seemed to revolve around shopping money and his irritation at having to buy groceries when it ate into his drinking money.

I feel you, and have had a few flashbacks myself while reading your post. I also myself suffered with a binge-drinking problem for many, many years. The more you post, the more obvious it is that your DP has a drinking problem and it is affecting your relationship. You are quite right to not want your daughter to have the same lasting 'memories' that I and yourself have and the damage that upbringing does, which does last a lifetime. You really need to sit down with DP and explain to him you are very unhappy in your relationship, that you don't want your child having the experiences and memories you yourself had, and that he stops and he gets help, or you and your DD are leaving. Full stop. End of story. He has to make a choice. His family, or his drinking (and smoking in the house). He needs to know and understand that this is his last chance, this time it's for keeps, and he needs to realise he will lose everything.

FingersCrossedForChristmasAll · 06/12/2020 17:48

YANBU & I can’t understand why so many posters have been so harsh to you on this thread.

When you moved abroad was it for a certain amount of time or was the plan permanent?
Would your DP agree to move back to the UK all 3 of you if you explained how unhappy you are being away from your family support?

You are not happy and your DP doesn’t seem to see he has a problem with alcohol.
Something has to change as you can’t carry on like this.

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 06/12/2020 17:49

Why do people insist he hides his drinking, OP makes him hide.

He's not hiding his drinking, he hides the amount he's drinking. Which suits him just fine, since OP is so confused and unsure about it all (including how much he actually drinks) she can't even bring herself to admit he has a drinking problem.

Original poster
Nomechange · 06/12/2020 17:55

I don’t want him to hide any drinking, it would be healthier to drink downstairs or in a more social setting than locked away upstairs.

OP posts:
Bagamoyo1 · 06/12/2020 17:56

This is not your fault OP.
And your husband is an alcoholic, no doubt about it. Drinking a carton of wine, in secret, in the morning - there’s nothing even remotely normal about that.

Original poster
Nomechange · 06/12/2020 17:56

@FingersCrossedForChristmasAll I think he would yes, but then what would happen when we got there? Could I see if it changed once we’d gone home

OP posts:
Bagamoyo1 · 06/12/2020 17:57

There’s no way I’d bring up a child in this setting.

Original poster
Nomechange · 06/12/2020 17:58

If he is an alcoholic, will he know that though? If that makes sense? He barely used to be bothered about drinking years ago..it became worse when I was pregnant.

OP posts:
AccidentallyOnPurpose · 06/12/2020 17:58

@Nomechange

I don’t want him to hide any drinking, it would be healthier to drink downstairs or in a more social setting than locked away upstairs.
Yes but then you would see exactly how much he drinks and how much of a problem he has. I bet that's the real reason behind his "hiding".

Atm he can say it's not that bad,it's not that much, it's only a glass etc and you have nothing to counteract it with and he can keep making you feel like the unreasonable,nagging,controlling one.

Original poster
Nomechange · 06/12/2020 18:01

I thought things weren’t too bad as at least he wasn’t out all night on benders, just at home to relax whilst listening to music etc, all okay. The weekend morning thing that started really worries me though

OP posts: