Toddler drank wine-fuming

[Nomechange]

This morning my dp went out to get milk and I was in the kitchen taking my vitamins with my back to my Dd-2.6 years old. When I turned around she was drinking wine out of a carton. Our picnic basket was on the floor by the bridge and it had been put in there by dp.
Luckily it was hopefully only a sip and two hours later after careful observation, she seems fine.
Aibu to be completely pissed off with my dp for leaving it there? He’s now upset with me and says accidents happen and he wouldn’t be angry with me. I was full of anxiety this morning after it happened and was really upset about it.
He says he put it there to ‘Hide it’ as I go on about his drinking, sick of the bs, just wish he’d grow up like we all have to when we become parents, surely?

why can’t he just drink a glass of wine at the weekend like normal people.
I'm clearly not normal

OP says that the wine was hidden in a picnic basket , not that they were going out for a picnic.

[quote Nomechange]@Donkeeey My god, this is not an issue about me being controlling, please read the full thread and see if you change your view. Definitely don’t have an issue with him sitting and having a glass of wine downstairs but often he’s playing on the floor with Dd and focussing on her I guess, his choice. It feels like he has to immediately have a drink after work, I get it, I get feeling stressed but it’s getting out of hand when it’s weekend mornings too[/quote]
I HAVE read the full thread. I always do if I plan to comment. I was commenting on the fact that YOU said "I guess with Dd around etc that’s hard to do until she’s in bed." How was I to know that that is because he plays on the floor with her and it's his choice not to drink whilst doing that. The way you worded it made it sound as though it wasn't allowed...

Sorry i thought picnic basket meant going on a picnic, or similar

You are not over reacting. I think you and your DD should leave and I'd be pushing for supervised contact only due to his alcoholism. He will put her in danger.

Your boyfriend sitting on the toilet drinking alcohol by himself = grim.
Your boyfriend smoking in the house with a toddler = revolting and selfish.
Your boyfriend hiding alcohol = alcohol problem
Your boyfriend driving after drinking = disgusting behaviour.
Your boyfriend driving after drinking with your and DD in the car = complete lack of love, respect and basic human decency. He is putting your lives at risk and everyone else on the road.
Your boyfriend drinking before 10am = major alcohol problem.

To be honest: why are you still there? Leave.

His behaviour will get more and more risky and more and more dependent. He could lose his job.
You can't fix him. He has to fix himself. He can't do that if he doesn't even think there is a problem.

Fortunately your DD is fine, but it's not about that, as many other people have said.

He is hiding alcohol in the house (not very well), he is drinking in secret, his alcohol use is impacting on his relationship with you, it could have impacted on his DD's health, and if he is drinking before family outings it's definitely impacting on his ability to parent.

He appears to have an issue with alcohol and it's up to him to decide to do something about it. You cannot change him, but you can decide if this is how you want to live your life. Do you really want to be with a man who chooses alcohol rather than rushing home after work to be with his wife and daughter?

How about asking him if he would be willing to have some couple's counselling? It would be helpful to have someone completely separate to unpick what is going on, and how you both feel.

Drinking in the morning is definitely not normal.

[quote Nomechange]@justasking111 Perhaps you’re right and it’s all my fault and he does it to be around me, I don’t know anymore[/quote]
Please don't think like that, there are some terrible comments on this thread.
Your partner is responsible for hiding alcohol where your toddler can find it. He has no right to be angry at you.

[quote Nomechange]@justasking111 Perhaps you’re right and it’s all my fault and he does it to be around me, I don’t know anymore[/quote]
OP please don’t listen to these people. Sounds like you have major relationship issues and need to consider your situation. Maybe mute this thread and post a new one in relationships? You should get more understanding replies there. Some people just enjoy being mean for the sake of it here, please please don’t listen.

I can understand your upset and worry. As a one off it sounds like a genuine mistake on your partner’s part and certainly not something you could have anticipated. The bigger issue seems to be your partner’s drinking. I’d be concerned by the hiding alcohol and drinking in the morning. I wouldn’t just brush these things off as being a bit strange as these are all signs of problematic drinking and you may currently be unaware of the extent of the issue if he is already hiding his drinking from you. I say this as a relative of someone who is alcohol dependent who watched other family members brush off similar small ish one off incidents before uncovering the extent of the problem.

I don’t have an issue with people drinking alcohol, I see several times a week and weekend mornings before going out/looking after my toddler Dd a problem, yes 🤷🏻‍♀️Honestly shocked how some people don’t have a problem with that.

Drinking in the morning = no that is not good and not on. People drinking a few times a week appropriately = not an issue in the real world.

If you need alcohol that badly that you must hide it around the house, then you have a drinking problem.

Not necessarily. In this case it sounds like he hides it so he doesn't get an earful. I have friend who hides cigarette smoking due to this issue. I will agree morning drinking is definitely a sign of a major issue though.

Wait, you can buy cartons of wine?

Seriously though, the amount of alcohol your child may have swallowed will be negligible. There are far worse things around the house toddlers can swallow - button batteries, nail varnish remover for example.

If your DH is a problem drinker, and it sounds as if he may be, then openly addressing it will lead to him being even more secretive about his supply of booze. Al-Anon are very supportive for families of alcoholics, meetings are all online at the moment, but that is what I would suggest. You need a support network around you.

Thank you for the kind replies, the mean ones I really don’t understand.
We live abroad without any family here which I often find harder as I lose sight of what’s normal behaviour at times, but I know this isn’t the life I want for Dd. I’m no angel myself and loved a smoke and drink in the past but wouldn’t inside due to my Dd and also it’s pretty gross anyway.
I’m not sure what to do, I’ve tried to talk about it again and again and it doesn’t change. Perhaps it is me or the relationship at least and I’ve driven him to drink, I hope not. He gets stressed easily about work etc.
It’s a lot, all I want is a happy, normal home for Dd, every weekend seems to be ruined like this

Chuckling that he hides in the loo from you when he gets in from work for a ciggie and a glass of wine. Suspect that he has a drink on a Saturday morning to give him dutch courage to endure a day with you. If he does this why the hell are you getting in the car. You are not compatible so divorce and find yourself a teetotal husband who does as he is told are you the DH or are you that unpleasant in rl?

OP, if you’d posted that you’d found alcohol in the picnick basket and that your DH had been drinking at 10:00 on a Saturday morning the replies would have been vastly different. Unfortunately the reaction to your DD having had a sip has led to this thread being entirely differently construed.

I don’t usually say this, but I would ask for this thread to be deleted and then I would post (without the information about DD) in relationships.

@KatherineJaneway

I don’t have an issue with people drinking alcohol, I see several times a week and weekend mornings before going out/looking after my toddler Dd a problem, yes 🤷🏻‍♀️Honestly shocked how some people don’t have a problem with that.

Drinking in the morning = no that is not good and not on. People drinking a few times a week appropriately = not an issue in the real world.

If you need alcohol that badly that you must hide it around the house, then you have a drinking problem.

Not necessarily. In this case it sounds like he hides it so he doesn't get an earful. I have friend who hides cigarette smoking due to this issue. I will agree morning drinking is definitely a sign of a major issue though.

If you need alcohol you have a problem. It's that simple. If you can't unwind or relax otherwise, if you can't go without it , you have a problem. If you have to hide it (the amount not the actual drinking as OP knows he drinks), you have a problem. Don't forget he drinks after work on his way home too. It's not like he's expected to be teetotal or go without.

Just like your friend is addicted to nicotine/smoking and has to have their fix ,so they hide it.

@Nomechange

Thank you for the kind replies, the mean ones I really don’t understand. We live abroad without any family here which I often find harder as I lose sight of what’s normal behaviour at times, but I know this isn’t the life I want for Dd. I’m no angel myself and loved a smoke and drink in the past but wouldn’t inside due to my Dd and also it’s pretty gross anyway. I’m not sure what to do, I’ve tried to talk about it again and again and it doesn’t change. Perhaps it is me or the relationship at least and I’ve driven him to drink, I hope not. He gets stressed easily about work etc. It’s a lot, all I want is a happy, normal home for Dd, every weekend seems to be ruined like this

You need to have a calm talk with him about his drinking and smoking inside. How it affects you,how it affects DD. No shouting,no name calling no active blaming. Suggest a compromise, he can have a drink in the open when DD is in bed. He can keep drinking after work. Definitely no more hiding. Smoking outside only. If he can't,or won't change then it's over. Can you imagine living your next 30/49/50 years like this?

[quote Nomechange]@justasking111 Perhaps you’re right and it’s all my fault and he does it to be around me, I don’t know anymore[/quote]
Someone could say they were drinking, and you made them do it, because of any reason. He could tell you that he drinks because he hates that blue jumper you wear, or because you keep burning the toast. The real question for you is, do you think that your behaviour is so questionable that it could drive a person to alcohol? Really, deep down, do you genuinely think that his behaviour is your fault?

The fact is, if his drinking was your responsibility, then you'd have the power to make it stop, wouldn't you?

You both have a responsibility here. I think you are codependent. There is a situation in your relationship that you find unacceptable, and you are simply absorbing it, and getting more and more frustrated within yourself.

He is unlikely to change anything, so you will need change something. Talk to him and tell him he is crossing your boundaries, and tell him how. Tell him what the consequences will be if he doesn't respect those boundaries. Then stick to it.

@Nomechange do you like your DH?

@CookieMumsters

why can’t he just drink a glass of wine at the weekend like normal people.

I don't know many people who only have a glass at the weekend so its hard to say of your expectations are unreasonable or if DP drinks too much.

Well I don't drink at all! So just because you don't know anyone like that, doesn't mean people like me don't exist!

There are two issues here

The first one is you’re clearly trying to say your husband is an alcoholic. If this is the case then you need to decide if you wish to bring your child up in this environment.

The second issue is she drank wine. This was on your shift. You were responsible for watching her. So this ones on you. Children can do many things when you turn your back. You cannot blame your husband for what happened when he wasn’t there.

YANBU - whether it was hidden or left there by accident!

@pippiphooray1 What do you mean? I don’t like his behaviour no, I feel like I’m losing respect for him as he doesn’t respect or listen to me no.

The boxes are 1 litre ones, I don’t think he drinks the whole box a night, I’m really not sure. I wouldn’t object to him coming in, sitting down and having a drink, but I guess with Dd around etc that’s hard to do until she’s in bed

What? Why? Eighty percent of people drink and most peoooe would have had a glass of wine or a beer when their child was present. Is he now forced to hide it from you? Why can’t he have a glass of wine in front of his child?

Demonstrating a healthy relationship with alcoholis key, and neither to you are doing that right now. Him hiding in the loo to be able to have a glass of wine, and you going to the other extreme.

[quote Nomechange]@pippiphooray1 What do you mean? I don’t like his behaviour no, I feel like I’m losing respect for him as he doesn’t respect or listen to me no.[/quote]
Do you respect snd listen to him? It appears that’s a game you’re both playing, I’d also assume he doesn’t much like your behaviour either.

So you need to address your marital issues.

@Bluntness100 Please, just read the thread. I keep having to explain/defend myself when I really don’t feel I should have to.
I have zero problem with him drinking downstairs in front of my Dd, whatever, it’s just usually he decides to head straight upstairs and drink and sometimes plays with Dd on the carpet etc, so would maybe find that hard with Dd around, I don’t know, his choice.